


we'll take the highway to heaven

by i_was_human



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coffee Shops, Driving, Grief/Mourning, Kissing in the Rain, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Magic, Mental Instability, Multi, Multiple Arcs, Mutual Pining, OT4, Polyamory, Reunions, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, a disgusting amount of side characters, ao3 tagging is hell, minsoo cannot cook whatsoever, not sure how to tag this one, stunningly there is now a hetero relationship in this, tagging ships as they appear, the ceo is once again the absolute worst, this was supposed to be slow burn but dongdae disagreed, you can pry poly mayhem from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 60
Words: 132,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24708670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: A dark-haired teen lounged on the railing of his apartment, all gangly limbs and fox eyes as he watched the sky fall.A chocolate-haired teen sat on a rooftop, eyes wide as the hundreds of thousands of rocks fell, creating brilliant colors the likes of which he'd never see matched.A black-haired boy sat in the backyard, surrounded by his family and wrapped in blankets as he stared up at the light show.And the fourth - a black-haired boy, cheeks chubby and bright pink from cold - stood alone in his backyard, gaze pinned on the falling stars.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Junsu (Lost in Translation), Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kang Dongho | D.Min, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kang Dongho | D.Min/Kim Daehyun (Lost in Translation), Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kang Dongho | D.Min/Kim Daehyun/Lee Minsoo, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Kim Daehyun (Lost in Translation), Kang Dongho | D.Min/Kim Daehyun (Lost in Translation), Kim Daehyun (Lost in Translation)/Lee Minsoo, Lee Minsoo & Lee Minsung
Comments: 192
Kudos: 106





	1. monster (how should i feel?)

**Author's Note:**

> formerly "but sometimes i'm still holding onto late nights in the car, staring at the stars with passion in our hearts" - changed for brevity and so i can refer to it without needing to say "that lit fic"

It starts, as most things do, with a meteor shower. 

Actually, that's not _quite_ correct - most things tend to start in much more mundane ways - but a fair number of magical things tend to start with meteor showers, and this one is no different.

It was the astrological event of the century. Thousands upon thousands of meteors arced through the sky - remnants of a planet destroyed hundreds of years ago - and _everyone_ was watching.

A dark-haired teen lounged on the railing of his apartment, all gangly limbs and fox eyes as he watched the sky fall. 

A chocolate-haired teen sat on a rooftop, eyes wide as the hundreds of thousands of rocks fell, creating brilliant colors the likes of which he'd never see matched.

A black-haired boy sat in the backyard, surrounded by his family and wrapped in blankets as he stared up at the light show. 

And the fourth - a black-haired boy, cheeks chubby and bright pink from cold - stood alone in his backyard, gaze pinned on the falling stars.

It was late enough that his parents had gone to bed, trusting their ten-year-old to not leave the backyard while they slept. 

There was no chance of that - not with how enthralled the boy was.

He stared up at the sky, a myriad of colors reflected in his dark eyes, and simply watched.

it must've been close to three in the morning by the time the meteor splintered - and it was such a small meteor, split into such small parts, that nobody paid it any heed - but the boy saw it.

He saw the rock hurtle through the air, and he watched as it embedded itself in his mother's flowers.

Normally, he'd've been ecstatic for a piece of a meteor - even at a young age, the boy loved nature, and the stars were no exception to that - but in the moment, he could only panic over his mother's ruined flowers. 

He scrambled across the backyard, bare feet squelching in a bit of mud as the light show continued overhead, and he groped blindly in the planet box for the rock, intent on removing it and fixing the flowers as best he could.

It took mere seconds for his fingers to brush something smooth, but once they did-

his eyes fluttered shut, and he fell to the ground, the flowers forgotten.

* * *

_"So, you're the new kid? Nice to meet you. I'm Kang Dongho."_

_"Nice to meet you! I'm the group's leader, Lee Minsoo!"_

_"I'm Kim Daehyun. It's nice to meet you."_

_His mind tumbled through the future - he saw himself, standing on a stage, hair red and the other three boys around him, saw the black-haired man (Dongho?) gripping a steering wheel like his life depended on it, saw the blond one (Daehyun?) crouched in front of the white-haired one (Minsoo, right?) with narrowed eyes, saw himself screaming as someone twisted through the air, saw himself, staring up at something and looking so, so afraid-_

_"We're going to protect him."_

_"I won't let you hurt Jaewon-hyung!"_

_"He did this... why?"_

_A part of the boy distantly wondered why he needed the voices to go along with the scenes, what they added, what this was, what was going to happen to him, who these people were-_

_but then again,_

_something in him already knew._

_"You... you don't hate me?"_

_An impish grin, a backpack landing on his lap-_

_"Of course not!"_

_A nod of assent from the dark-haired man, and the blond's gaze softens as he yanks him - his future self? - across the seat. "Why would we hate you?"_

_"Well-"_

_He's snatched away from the memory before he wakes, left grasping for something, information, anything to explain this._

_Hate him for what?_

* * *

When he wakes, he's lost three days, and there's a new fire in his chest.

Still- 

he has names, now.

Kang Dongho.

Lee Minsoo.

Kim Daehyun.

Names of people who will be important to him, someday.

They're names he holds dear to his heart, names to match the burning in his chest, names that _mean something_.

Because whatever's wrong with him...

they can help.

(right?)

* * *

God, how wrong he was.

He's twelve when it happens - his mother's lighting a scented candle to clear the air - and something in him just.

snaps.

The fire bubbling in his gut spills over, flames lapping at his throat, and before he can stop it, he's extending his arm, pressing his fingertip to the flame.

And it _burns, god, it burns_ , but at the same time, it feels welcoming.

It feels like home.

He closes his eyes, wrapping himself in the toxic warmth of the flames, and breathes.

There's someone screaming in the distance - _terrifiedhorrified"you'reamonster"_ \- but he can't hear a thing. 

He's safe here, wrapped up in the warmth of his flames.

(when he comes down later, comes down from his "high", he sees the scorch marks on the walls, the warped and soot-covered floor, and for the first time, gives himself the moniker of _monster_.)

* * *

He messes up, one day.

He's standing there, staring down at a paper with another failing grade (and is it really his fault? is it really his fault when he's been studying until he can't keep his eyes open, been pushing himself harder and harder until there's no time left to _breathe_ , but he fails _anyways_ -) and something bubbles up inside him, something hot and molten and _dangerous_ , and-

someone in the room flicks a lighter, possibly to light up a cigarette.

He doesn't care.

The paper in his hand bursts into flames.

And for a moment, it feels good. Like opening a dam - it pours out, all his _stressanxietyfear_ going up in flames - and it's _euphoric_ for the split second he has to dwell in it.

But people scream.

 _"Freak!"_ they shriek, pointing accusing fingers at him. _"Freak! Monster!"_

Monster.

He knew it - of _course_ he knew it - but _knowing_ it and _hearing_ it are two different beasts.

The paper in his hand sputters out, leaving a small pile of ash in his hand and around half of the paper left, the marks illegible and the once-white surface scorched and curled. And he-

he's a monster.

People - _humans_ \- can't do this sort of thing. Can't manipulate fire.

What is he, then, if not human?

(it scares him, that he doesn't have an answer)

* * *

People are afraid of him, after that.

People talk, as they are wont to do, but _god_ , knowing that doesn't make him feel any better.

Not when he's so horribly, _painfully_ lonely.

He occupies himself with dreams - dreams of the people he has yet to meet, dreams of _DonghoMinsooDaehyun-_

until the day he looks himself in the mirror.

He's sopping wet, hair plastered to his cheeks and eyes wide (desperate) as he grips the edge of the sink, the same familiar heat bubbling up in his core.

And _god_ -

he must've been wrong, all those years ago.

How can anyone know what he can do and see him as anything _but_ a monster?

He meets his reflection's gaze - dark eyes meeting darker - and for one terrifying moment, he thinks he sees a flicker of flame in the mirror.

His fist meets the glass before he can stop it, and he chokes on a scream, the sound swallowed by the shattering of his reflection, and he-

_Monster._

That's what he is, isn't he?

A monster.

He turns on the sink and slumps to the floor, knuckles stinging and glass crunching underfoot. 

It's a good thing he's wearing boots, a distant part of him notes. Good thing he isn't stepping on glass, because _that would just suck_ -

and yet,

his dream hasn't changed.

(how selfish is that?)

* * *

"So, you're the new kid?"

Sharp fox eyes meet his, and lips quirk into a half-grin. "Nice to meet you. I'm Kang Dongho."

He musters up a shy smile, raising a hand to give the taller man a small wave. "I'm Ahn Jaewon."

"Jaewon? Nice to meet you!" a white-haired man crows, sliding into the room. "I'm the group's leader, Lee Minsoo!"

"I'm Kim Daehyun," a blond man smiles, following at a slightly more sedate pace. "It's nice to meet you."

"Ah, it's nice to meet you all," he stammers, dropping into a quick bow. "I hope... I hope we can be friends!"

(all the while, his secret burns his tongue.)

* * *

"There are... rumors."

 _Grease_ , he privately thinks, _grease and wrinkles_.

The CEO gives off the overwhelming feeling of _grease_ , one that isn't improved by nearing him, and yet he does anyways, taking a seat across from the man.

His gaze is predatory - sharp, dissecting - and he slumps a bit in his seat despite himself, the CEO's gaze laying his every secret bare.

"Rumors about _you_ ," the man clarifies, though it really doesn't need any clarification. "People say you set things on fire."

It's-

blunt.

He flinches a bit - barely at all, most movements controlled - but the CEO notices, an unreadable expression slipping onto his face.

"You're not going to be a problem, will you?"

He's nodding before he even processes the question, and the CEO's grin sharpens - sharklike, almost.

(he loves sharks, loves to watch them swim-

it's a shame, really, that an animal so beautiful could be tainted so thoroughly.)

"I don't believe you."

His eyes widen, and his head jerks up, a panicked gaze meeting a steely-cold one. "Sir?"

"Convince me."

The CEO rests his chin on his hand, a greasy smile growing on his lips. "What will you do, Ahn Jaewon?"

And he-

"Whatever it takes."

The CEO's grin grows - wide, sharklike, _pointeddangerousstrong_ \- and he can't help but feel like he's made a horrible mistake.

* * *

 _Click_.

The small flame springs to life, and he stares at it, apathy mingling with the flame in his pupils.

It's like turning on a light.

 _Click_ , and that sense comes back.

 _Click_ , and he wants to let it go, wants to burn it all down, wants to _hurt_ -

or, well.

so he assumes.

It's been a long time since he's tested his ability - longer since he's thought about it - and the thrumming warmth in his heart feels like an old friend returning after a long time-

He catches sight of the flames sneaking over his arm, and he flicks off the lighter, letting the fire dissipate into the air. 

What's the saying? "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust"?

It's supposed to be some saying about moving on, leaving things in the past, but all he can think about is the feeling of paper crumbling to ash in his hands, the burnt edges of an unsatisfactory score-

failure.

He closes his eyes, and flicks the lighter on once more, a bit of shock washing over him as stress ebbs into the flame. 

On, off. 

On, off.

And really-

why is he surprised?

Fire is-

fire is destructive, fire is burning, fire is _danger_ -

but fire is also rebirth.

Fire burns away the bad and the good alike, and this is _his_ fire. Of _course_ it would try and make him feel better.

(the implications of that- he doesn't like them at all. _his_ fire. it shouldn't be _his anything_.)

Honestly, he's probably thinking too much into this - he has to be awake at four in the morning for an early-ass photo shoot - but he flicks the lighter on once more, letting his mind dance with the flame for a few instants more.

(he's dangerous, a freak, a monster, _can'tbetrustedhurtsandburns_ -)

He hurls the lighter across the room, pulling the blankets over his head before it hits the floor.

What a fool he was.

(this isn't a blessing - it's a curse. he'd do well to remember that.)

* * *

_"MAYHEM's Wyld seen leaving nightclub-"_

He shuts off his phone, placing it by his bowl as he scoops up another bite of cereal.

It's not even light out, the only thing streaming through the windows the distant streetlights. 

God, he's tired.

He's always so tired.

His one consolation (though it really isn't one) is that at least the other three seem as tired as him. 

Daehyun's asleep on the other side of the table, chin perched on his hand and head drooping. Next to him, Dongho nurses a thermos of coffee, and Minsoo's full-on sleeping, head on the table and chest rising and falling rhythmically.

He and Dongho don't talk, of course.

It's both too early and too cold for that.

(another thing- he's always cold. he's not sure if that's because of the fire, or if it's just always really cold.)

Dongho takes another sip, and he seems about to say something, but Daehyun's chin slips off his hand before he can.

And, well-

seeing Daehyun sputter awake, milk dripping from his hair and cereal stuck to his face-

it's a little funny.

More than a little, actually.

Minsoo blinks at Daehyun for a moment, seemingly processing the situation, but once he does, he howls, slamming his hand on the table. 

Unfortunately for him, he catches the edge of his bowl, sending the contents flying onto his clothes.

There's a moment where nobody moves.

The moment, naturally, is broken by a drop of milk rolling off Daehyun's nose and falling on the table.

"Go shower," Dongho mutters, taking another sip from his thermos. "The car's gonna be here in ten minutes."

Daehyun sticks out his leg, letting Minsoo face-plant as he sprints for the shower, and the fourth occupant of the table hides his grin behind his own mug.

* * *

It's moments like this that make all of this worth it.

He's grinning at another fan, an animal hat on his head, when she gives him a small shark plushie, and he just-

he's just so _happy_.

It's odd to say - embroiled in the umpteenth scandal, averaging four hours of sleep a night, and juggling magic fire powers on top of that - but in this moment, he's foolishly, blissfully happy.

(isn't it foolish? that he can be happy, even the way he is?)

He smiles for the next fan, and it's a little less plastic. 

That's his end goal, isn't it? Finding happiness in the moment?

Yeah, he decides, staring down at the small ball in his hands. That'll be his goal.


	2. push through hell

"Wow," Daehyun breathes, staring up at the massive edifice of the Performing Arts Center. "This is..."

"They rebuilt it after the meteor shower," Dongho states, and Daehyun nods. "Apparently, one slammed into the building and took out the entire structure."

"It looks _awesome_ ," Minsoo remarks, gesturing to the twisted glass that forms the front wall. "I can't believe we get to perform here!"

"I know," Daehyun murmurs, gaze flitting to an apparently dumbfounded Jaewon. "Hyung?"

Jaewon seems-

a little sick, honestly.

His face is flushed, and he looks like a strong breeze could blow him over. 

(it's a little like how daehyun feels - he can't help but think something's going to go wrong tonight)

"Are you nervous?" Minsoo asks, and Jaewon pauses for a moment, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. "You're gonna do great tonight, Jaewon-ah."

"...thanks, hyung," Jaewon mumbles.

Daehyun's not sure whether it's nerves or something worse, but it feels like there's _something_ buzzing under his skin, something he can't quite put a name to.

"Ah," Minsoo murmurs, staring at his hands, "I guess I'm a little nervous, too. Weird, huh?"

* * *

Jaewon's asleep again.

Daehyun stares at his youngest hyung, a smile teasing his lips at the sight of his head pillowed on Dongho's shoulder. It's so _different_ from the Jaewon they normally see - the ladies' man, the ever-confident, popular to a fault - and Daehyun can't help but grin as he watches Jaewon curl in on himself, tucking his knees to his chest.

He's not sleeping enough, but then again, none of them are.

"Ah, he looks so cute," Minsoo grins, flopping on the couch next to Daehyun. "What do you think, hyung?"

"Mm," Dongho hums, staring down at their sleeping bandmate with a look that can only be called _fondness_. "...he's cute, I guess."

"He doesn't remind you of Boba?" Minsoo presses, and Dongho bristles. 

"...shut up."

"Oh my god, he _does_ ," Minsoo grins, seeming entirely like Christmas has come early. "He reminds you of your cat. That's _adorable_."

"Shut _up_ , Minsoo-yah-"

"Do you see Boba when you look at him?" Minsoo continues, a bright grin on his lips. "Ooh, is that why you like him?"

"I like him a lot more than I like _you_."

"That's just not true~"

"You-"

"Nnn..."

Jaewon reaches up to rub his eyes, lips parting in a yawn. "Mm... did I fall asleep?"

"On Dongho," Minsoo gleefully replies, and Dongho glares daggers in his direction.

Daehyun can't tell if it's for dropping the honorific or for making Jaewon embarrassed, but the redhead slides away like he's been burned, so he has a feeling it's the latter.

"Jaewon-ah?" one of the makeup artists calls, and Jaewon turns, gaze meeting hers. "We need you for makeup..."

"Coming!" Jaewon exclaims, nearly tripping over the couch in his haste to get to the makeup team.

"You woke him up," Dongho mutters, and _wow_ , the glare has not decreased in intensity _at all_.

"I know," Minsoo whines, crawling over to the other couch and putting his head in Dongho's lap. "But now I can use your lap-"

Dongho replies by shoving him off the couch, and Minsoo's offended squawks can probably be heard all over the building.

By the time Jaewon returns, Minsoo's _still_ trying to crawl towards Dongho, though the eldest is keeping the leader an arm's length away. He seems to be attempting to claw at Dongho's face, though, being the smallest, he's decidedly unsuccessful. 

Plus, Daehyun's filming.

(what, did anyone expect he wouldn't?)

"You're filming them?" Jaewon asks, and Daehyun nods, zooming in on where Dongho has his hand on Minsoo's face. 

"Blackmail," Daehyun simply replies, and Jaewon lets out a sound that's halfway between a cough and a giggle. 

Someone clicks their tongue, and Jaewon and Daehyun turn in tandem, only to be met with the disapproving scowl of a makeup artist. "Minsoo-yah," she tsks, "we need to redo your makeup."

Minsoo pales, shooting a pleading glance at Dongho. "Help?"

"He's all yours," Dongho simply replies, and Minsoo's glare takes on a betrayed edge as the makeup artist leads him away.

* * *

Unbeknownst to all, something stretches beneath the ground.

The rubble of a long-ago meteorite shifts, a web of cracks running over its surface. It shifts once more, the cracks spreading further, and with one last shudder, it splits in half, spilling its contents onto the stone floor.

The thing inside - and it seems almost like a person - twitches, eyelids fluttering open to reveal blood-red irises.

It grins, fangs flashing as it pushes itself to its feet, and it stumbles towards the meteorite, digging its bare foot into the remains of the structure. 

"Thy," the creature mutters, voice deep and rasping. "Thy, get your lazy ass up."

"Shut up," a second creature mumbles, blinking open deep blue eyes. "You're not the boss of me."

"I am," a third snaps, and the second creature's shoved out of the remains of the meteorite and sent tumbling across the concrete floor. "Absyronis, stop antagonizing Thyestos."

"Full names," the second murmurs, a teasing glint in his eye. "Absy's in trouble-"

"Skies and stars, do you ever _shut up_?" a fourth snaps, gracefully extracting himself from the remains of the meteorite. 

"Celi!" the first beams, and the newly-dubbed Celi sighs, massaging his temples.

"Celi _os_. Two extra letters."

"Yeah, but you have to shorten it to match the rest of the team," the first points out, and Celi arcs a brow.

"Absyronis is fine for me."

"Yeah, but you're _weird_ ," Absy whines, and Celi rolls his eyes.

"Shut _up_ ," the third snaps, and Absy falls silent, red eyes flashing as he glares at their leader. 

"Who died and made Nisi leader?" Thy snipes, and the third's eyebrow twitches.

" _Nisitus_."

"I said what I said."

"I- _fine_ ," Nisi compromises, raising his clawed hands in the air. "Fine. I only have to work with you fools for the next few minutes, anyways."

"Oh!" Absy chirps, clapping excitedly. "We get to colonize! I forgot!"

"Is it really colonization if we just kill everything?" Celi mutters, and Nisi rolls his eyes. 

"I neither know nor particularly care. Do you all remember the incantation?"

" _Yes_ ," Absy breathes, eyes wide. 

"You sure are... excited," Celi notes, and Absy bounces on the balls of his feet, a bright grin on his lips.

"Yeah! This is my first trip!"

"Just take your places," Nisi mutters, reaching up to massage the bridge of his nose. "You're giving me a headache."

The quartet assembles in a hap-hazard diamond, and Nisi extends a hand, a silvery mist seeping from his palm. 

"Aquam et ignem aera et terram," the quartet chants, and the mist spreads, enveloping the entire room. 

"In quo sumus eruendos

Novum orbis terrarum ab antiquis ad cinerem.

Vocamus super te, stellas, ut levent onus."

The mist starts to glow-

and the world vanishes with a flash of light.

* * *

Daehyun has no idea what just happened.

One second, they were in the midst of performing _Find a Way_ , and the next-

the entire world seemed to be enveloped in light.

Someone screams - Jaewon, maybe? - and the ground shakes under him, sending him sprawling to the stage floor. His elbow collides painfully with the wood, but it's _nothing_ compared to the pounding in his skull.

It feels like something's slamming against a barrier, like a dog running into a door again and again and again, and he groans, reaching up to grip his skull. 

"...hyun! Dae..."

Jaewon?

"...have to... up!"

"Hyung?" Daehyun mumbles - or tries to, at least. He probably ends up dropping the vowels, but his head feels like someone's taken a mallet to it - _multiple times_ , at that - and is currently attempting to hammer a bolt into his skull.

Pain shoots through his cheek, and his eyes fly open, only to be met with Jaewon's face, surrounded by a halo of light.

"...'m I dead?" he slurs, and Jaewon shakes his head, tapping Daehyun's cheek a few more times. 

"C'mon," Jaewon breathes, offering Daehyun a hand. "We gotta- we gotta go, Dae-yah-"

A cracking sound rings through the air, and it's at that moment that Daehyun realizes it's _silent_.

Where did the music go?

Where are the fans?

"Well," someone remarks, and Jaewon's head whips around so fast Daehyun's surprised he didn't give himself whiplash. "This is... unique."

"Get up," Jaewon all but begs, and Daehyun pushes himself upright with shaking arms, though he doesn't trust his legs enough to lift him the rest of the way. "Dae-yah-"

"What's this?" a second voice snaps, and the first voice makes a sound that's the verbal equivalent of a shrug. "What do you _mean_ , you don't know?"

"Stars, calm _down_ ," a third voice cuts in, and Daehyun raises his head, only to be met with the sight of four of the _strangest_ people he's ever seen. 

One - the one with red eyes - sports knee-length crimson hair, and seems to be clad in nothing but boxers. Fangs flash under the stage lights, and his pointed ears stick out from under his hair, but _somehow_ , that's _still_ not the weirdest part.

No, that would have to be the bright red runes coating his arms and legs. 

"What the fuck?" Minsoo breathes from somewhere, and Daehyun personally agrees.

The other three seem to be similarly colored - white, black, and blue respectively - and a tremor runs through Daehyun's body when he and the blue one make eye contact.

It feels like the person just stared into his _soul_.

"Why didn't it work on them?" blue-hair wonders, and black-hair shrugs.

"Ah, can we kill them ourselves?" red-hair chirps, and white-hair sighs.

"Fine, Absy. Go ahead."

" _What_?" Minsoo yelps, but it's too late.

The red-haired one - Absy? - snaps his claw-like fingers, and the runes start to glow. 

At the same time, Daehyun feels a hand close around his upper arm.

"We gotta go," Dongho snaps, all but hauling Daehyun to his feet. Minsoo's hand is in Dongho's other, and the leader looks positively _green_ , a situation that isn't helped by Dongho ushering them through the backstage at little less than a _dead sprint_. 

Eventually, they make it back to MAYHEM's dressing room, and Dongho deposits Minsoo and Daehyun on the couch, raking a hand through his dark hair. 

"What's going on?" Daehyun manages to ask, and Dongho shakes his head, slamming the door shut and locking it.

"I was awake for it," he states, rolling his hand in an attempt to emphasize on some non-existent point. "There was a flash of light, and everyone was just... gone."

"What?" Minsoo mumbles, and Dongho rolls his eyes, letting go of Daehyun's wrist to drape Minsoo's arm over his shoulders. "That... that sorta thing only happens in movies..."

"I know," Dongho mutters, "but it's what I saw."

An explosion rocks the building, and Daehyun yelps, curling into Dongho's side. "What was that?"

"I don't know," Dongho mutters, casting his gaze around the room. "Daehyun, watch Minsoo. I'm going to find Jaewon."

"But-"

He's too late.

The door slams shut behind Dongho, and Daehyun can't help but feel like they've made a horrible mistake.

* * *

Jaewon is _not_ having a great day.

First, he falls asleep on Dongho's shoulder, and now _this_.

(he's around ninety percent sure that he's going to panic over this later, but at the moment, he's running on adrenaline and shock alone.)

He dodges another fireball, the thing in his chest (his ability? if that's what he should call it) positively _singing_ in delight.

_"Use me!"_ it seems to beg, and Jaewon scowls, ducking as another fireball arcs over his head. It crashes into the curtains, the fabric immediately catching flame, and Jaewon groans, reaching up to massage his temples. _"Use me!"_

"You're a feisty one!" Absy crows, and Jaewon stares at him, eyes wide.

"What did you do?"

"The spell was _supposed_ to wipe out all animate lifeforms," white-hair (jaewon could _swear_ he heard one of them call the guy nisi, so nisi it is) snaps, "but I don't know what went wrong."

"Stars forbid," black-hair (celi?) mutters.

Jaewon yelps, dodging yet _another_ fireball, and by this point, his ability seems more irritated with him than anything else.

_"Use me!"_

Jaewon screws his eyes shut-

and lets go.

Flame snakes through the air, flying off the curtains and the stage floor, and Jaewon drops into a crouch, fully wreathed in flame. 

"Shit," Celi mutters, and Jaewon launches himself at them.

He's outmatched - a statement he realizes a few seconds too late - but he dodges a punch from Absy nonetheless, delivering a swift kick to the creature's torso. 

Absy doesn't flinch.

Instead, he grasps Jaewon's ankle and hurls him into the wall.

_Pain_ arcs through Jaewon's skull, but he pushes himself back to his feet nonetheless, feeling the back of his head for any blood.

There's none.

Thank _god_.

His momentary lapse in concentration winds up punished, though, since he's too slow to dodge a punch to his cheek - one that sends him sprawling. His head cracks against the stage floor, and he pushes himself into a crouch, the world swimming before his eyes.

_"Use me!"_

He extends a hand-

and the fire follows suit.

It forms a wall between Jaewon and the creature, and Jaewon can only stare, rendered mute, as Absy charges through it, hair coated in flames. 

"Oh," Absy grins, sharp and predatory. "I-"

A bag smacks into his head.

"What?" Absy yelps, and Jaewon feels a hand grasp his wrist, hauling him to his feet.

"Time to go," Dongho mutters, and Jaewon's eyes widen upon seeing Daehyun and Minsoo a few feet away.

"I thought-"

"Yeah, they wouldn't stay put."

"You guys-"

"Run now, talk later," Daehyun advises, and Jaewon couldn't agree more.

They sprint through the labyrinthine backstage, eventually coming out in the parking lot, and Daehyun yanks Jaewon into the back seat of their van as Dongho hops into the driver's one. 

"Keys," Dongho mutters, and Minsoo tosses him the key-ring, pulling the passenger's side door shut. "Alright... let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY IF THE LATIN IS WRONG MY DUMBASS HAD TO USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE
> 
> the original text:
> 
> Water and fire, air, and earth  
> In this moment, we shall unearth  
> A new world, from ashes of the old.  
> We call on you, stars, to lighten the load.
> 
> also idk why i thought doing this was a good idea when i can't write fight scenes for SHIT but i guess this is gonna be a learning experience
> 
> sorry for this terrible chapter, hopefully things get better from here out!


	3. these common tears won't be noticed by the goddess

_Ring... ring... ring..._

Jaewon stares at Daehyun for a moment before his gaze flits to Dongho's reflection, the only part of him visible being his dark eyes. Minsoo's staring blankly out the window, and Daehyun-

it strikes Jaewon, then, that Daehyun's their social butterfly. The one with _friends_.

The phone beeps to voicemail, and Daehyun's hand falls to his lap, some sort of stricken expression settling on his face. "I don't-"

He cuts himself off, resting his forehead on the window as his eyes flutter shut, and Jaewon-

"Where are we going?"

Dongho's gaze flits up to the rearview mirror, and he tries for a smile, though it really comes out looking oddly like plastic. "We're going back to the dorms to grab some things."

"And after that?"

It's Minsoo that asks it, and Dongho shrugs, but Jaewon can see the way his grip tightens on the steering wheel. "...out of the city, probably."

"'kay," Minsoo murmurs, pulling his knees back towards his chest. 

Dongho sighs, gaze flitting over the empty streets before he turns his attention back to the car. "...we're gonna fix this."

Minsoo inhales, something settling in his eyes, and he nods. "Yeah. We can- we can fix this. Acting all despondent doesn't help anyone."

"It feels better," Daehyun mumbles, and Minsoo turns to stare at him.

"Really?"

"...no."

Minsoo grins, and Dongho seems to have a shadow of a smile on his lips as well. "Then let's think a little positive, hmm?"

"...okay, hyung."

Minsoo's grin widens, though Jaewon can tell it's fraying a bit at the edges. "That's the spirit!"

"Mhm," Daehyun mumbles, turning his gaze back to the city.

Something in Minsoo's smile cracks a little - and Jaewon can't tell _what_ it is - before he turns back to the front, expression schooled into nonchalance. And that-

Jaewon never could tell what Minsoo was thinking when he slipped into himself like this.

"We're here," Dongho states, and Jaewon blinks up at their apartment building, unbuckling himself from the seat before pushing his door open.

It's quiet - too quiet for such a large city - and the four of them trudge up the stairs, Minsoo at the front and Dongho at the back.

The leader and eldest, then.

Minsoo unlocks the door and pushes it open, immediately darting off towards his and Dongho's room. Daehyun seems vaguely shell-shocked - Jaewon can't blame him for that - and he nudges the youngest's arm with his shoulder, hoping to coax Daehyun back to reality.

Sure enough, the blond shakes his head, grabbing a bag from the side table and heading to their room. Jaewon follows, and once he steps into the room they share, he's forced to realize-

he's _scared_.

Scared of what they might think, scared of what's happening, scared of what could happen, _scared that the world is resting on his shoulders-_

"What's wrong?"

Jaewon blinks, and Daehyun's standing there, a bag slung over his shoulder and expression unreadable. And he-

"Nothing," Jaewon mumbles, grabbing his backpack from the closet. "How many clothes d'ya think I need?"

"Well," Daehyun notes, "we can do B&E to get whatever we need, so I only packed a few pairs."

"We-"

Oh. Right.

All of the police are...

Daehyun must catch his expression, since he picks up a plushie - Jaewon's favorite shark - and presses it into his hands. "I'm gonna go throw my bag in the car," he murmurs, reaching up to ruffle Jaewon's hair. "I'll be right back, hyung."

Jaewon's left to stare at the room - the clothes strewn about, (mostly his) the posters taped to the walls, the pictures in frames-

He grabs his lighter and stuffs it in his pocket before opening the dresser and dumping the first things he finds into his bag, moving almost entirely on autopilot. Logically, he should be focusing a bit more - they don't know how long it's going to be until they get back here, after all - but it's just safer not to think right now.

(if he stops to process, he's not sure if he can restart fast enough)

"Hyung?"

He's startled out of his reverie by Daehyun's wide eyes, and he blinks once more, reaching up to press a hand to his head. "Yeah?"

"You were spacing out again," Daehyun murmurs, and Jaewon nods, slinging his bag over his shoulders.

"Yeah. Just... just thinking."

Daehyun stares at him for a moment, visibly torn, but he drops the matter.

* * *

There's a moment where Dongho expects to see Boba when he walks in the room.

Logically, he knows she won't be there - nothing else is - but he just-

dared to hope.

"Hoo boy," someone distantly mutters, and Dongho's distantly cognizant of the feeling of their wooden floor, aware enough to realize he must've fallen but not enough to realize _why_.

Just-

the entire room feels like Boba.

There's Boba's favorite napping spot, there's the place Boba always sits on his bed, there's the place Boba likes sitting-

"Hyung," someone's stating, and a hand falls on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

They were joking about Boba earlier. They were- they were joking about her, and now-

God, he's going to be sick.

"Trashcan," he manages to rasp, and someone curses, sticking a trashbin under his nose just in time for him to hack up the contents of his lunch. 

"Oh, oh... hyung..."

A hand rubs his back, and Dongho relaxes into the touch, mind whirling.

His parents... friends... everyone.

Dead.

"You with me?"

But.

But.

Minsoo's safe.

Minsoo and Jaewon and Daehyun are safe.

He's not completely alone. 

He raises his head, gaze landing on Minsoo's crooked smile, and he can _see_ that Minsoo's around two seconds from running to grab Jaewon or Daehyun.

He did that.

"I'm okay," he murmurs, and he can tell Minsoo doesn't believe him. "I just..."

Minsoo's going to laugh at him.

"Boba?" 

And _god_ , Minsoo's staring at him with _pity_.

(he'd have preferred laughter to this)

"Yeah," Dongho mumbles, pushing himself to his feet. "It's-"

"I'm sorry, Dongho-hyung."

And Minsoo-

Minsoo's staring at him with _wide wide wide_ eyes, and _god_ , the _pity_ in his eyes-

"I'm so sorry," Minsoo murmurs, reaching up to brush a lock of hair out of Dongho's eyes-

and he's not used to _Minsoo_ being the mature one, not used to _Minsoo_ acting like the oldest-

so he grabs Minsoo's wrist and shakes his head, turning away.

"I'm fine."

"Hyung-"

" _Drop it_ , Minsoo-yah."

Minsoo flinches like he's been burned, yanking his arm from Dongho's grasp and turning back to his dresser. "I was just trying to help-"

"Then don't _pity me_."

God knows he's seen enough pity already. 

Minsoo worries his lower lip between his teeth as he shoves some things into a bag, staunchly ignoring Dongho's presence. And he-

"I just want to be alone right now."

The leader's eyes widen, and he nods, picking up his bags and snagging something off the table. "I'll be down by the van, then. Don't take too long."

He pauses at the doorframe, one hand on the wall, and he turns back, something incomprehensible swirling in his eyes. "If you ever need to talk, hyung... I'm always here to listen."

And with that-

Dongho's left to his demons.

It's a staggering realization - the realization that everyone is dead, that everyone and everything he's ever known is just _gone_ , vanished in a flash of light that should've taken him too, and it _didn't_ , but-

why?

Why is he still here?

A part of him says there's probably some sort of reason, but a larger part of him thinks he just got lucky. 

(and a small, small, _very very small_ part of him wonders if it has anything to do with jaewon's magic)

That's another issue, then- the fact that Jaewon seems to be able to control _fire_? And he didn't seem shocked by it, either, just... bitterly resigned. 

As though he knew that was coming.

Dongho rakes a hand through his hair, throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling.

How is this his _life_?

Was there a hidden clause in his concert involving magical happenings? Or are they going to get arrested for this later?

His gaze lands on a mouse on the floor - one of Boba's - and he presses a hand to his eyes, fighting back the tears that threaten to spill. 

It's to no avail.

"Goddammit," he mumbles, watching as tears drip onto the fabric of his stage uniform. "My makeup's gonna smear."

* * *

Daehyun's the last one to the van, and honestly, he wishes he was surprised. 

Dongho's already in the front seat, gazing dispassionately out the windshield, while Minsoo's sitting in the passenger's seat, earbuds in his ears and eyes shut. 

Asleep? Maybe.

(he can tell dongho washed off his makeup)

Jaewon's sitting in the back, posture ramrod-straight and jaw set, and Daehyun doesn't even have to open his mouth before the flame-haired man finally opens up.

"You..."

He trails off, fidgeting with his hands, but Daehyun can tell he has everyone's attention regardless. 

The moment feels like the rise of a pendulum, that one moment before it falls where it simply hangs, weightless.

"You don't hate me?"

The pendulum falls. 

Daehyun bites back his initial (far too emotional) response, and tosses his backpack in Jaewon's direction, grinning as wide as he can as he hops into the van. "Of course not!"

Dongho nods in the front seat, and Minsoo's... doing something. Daehyun legitimately cannot tell what their leader is doing, but he hopes to hell it's important.

He grabs Jaewon's side and hauls him across the seat, wrapping his arm around the elder man's shoulders. "Why would we hate you?"

"Well-"

Jaewon cuts himself off, and Daehyun reaches over to shut the door, gesturing for Dongho to start the car. "Mhm?"

"I can _control fire_."

The sheer _vitriol_ Jaewon infuses those two words with stuns the car into silence, and it's Minsoo that finally replies.

"So?"

Jaewon blinks, evidently taken aback. "That's not... that's not normal. _I'm_ not normal."

"So?" Minsoo repeats, and Jaewon's mouth opens and closes a few times, though no sound comes out. "This situation isn't really normal, either. I don't see anything wrong with it."

"But-"

"It's really cool!" Daehyun exclaims, and Jaewon's head whips around, wide-eyed gaze meeting the youngest's. "I mean, you're like a real-life superhero, hyung!"

Jaewon blinks at him, mouth hanging open. "I-"

"Hey," Dongho mutters, steering around a stalled car. "You're the same Ahn Jaewon we've always known. Did you think you being able to set paper on fire could change that?"

"I..."

Jaewon fidgets with a strand of his hair, pulling his knees to his chest as he does. He's still tense against Daehyun's arm, but the youngest squeezes his shoulder reassuringly nonetheless, and he seems to relax minutely. "I'm putting you guys in danger."

"So?" Minsoo asks, and Jaewon stiffens anew. "It's worth it."

Daehyun nods, and Jaewon _finally_ relaxes into the youngest's touch, resting his head on his shoulder and letting his legs splay over the row of seats. "...are you sure?"

"Of course, hyung," Daehyun assures him, reaching up to rest his hand on Jaewon's head. When the elder doesn't resist, he starts to run his fingers through the sweaty locks, gently coaxing out any tangles he finds. "You can't get rid of us that easily."

"But-"

"You look tired, Jaewon-ah," Dongho states, and Jaewon flinches, tensing once more. "You should nap."

"Ah, hyung, I'm fine-"

"You look tired," Dongho repeats, and Jaewon withers a little bit. "It's okay to nap for a bit."

Daehyun flops across the row of seats, waving around wildly with one socked foot until he finds Jaewon's head. He taps the elder with his foot a few times, cracking one eye open slightly to see his reaction. "You heard hyung."

"D-Dae-yah-" Jaewon squeaks, and Daehyun can hear Minsoo snorting in the front seat. "I don't know about this-"

"You're not sharing with Minsoo, at least," Dongho mutters, and Minsoo's eyes flash at that, a squawk of indignation escaping his lips. 

"Wha- _I'm a delight_!"

"You're a menace," Dongho deadpans, and Minsoo squawks once more.

"A _delight_!"

"A menace," Daehyun cheerfully adds, and Minsoo's eyes flash.

"I'll show you who's a menace! Say goodbye to your kneecaps!"

"Bold of you to assume you can even reach my knees."

"Wha- _is that a short joke_? Yah! Kim Daehyun! I'll show you who's short!"

Daehyun grins, eyes fluttering shut as he listens to Minsoo's indignant squawks.

The leader's suffering is like music to him, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> didn't reread so pls lemme know abt typos...
> 
> filler chapter haha


	4. didn't know where i was running to, but i won't look back

"We can swap out, if you want."

Dongho shakes his head, gazing out at the darkened road. "I'm fine."

"You sure?"

Minsoo pops the lid on his instant coffee, chugging half of it in a matter of seconds before holding out the can. "Want some?"

"...no."

"Your loss," the leader shrugs, downing the rest. "What're you thinking about?"

Dongho's gaze flits to the rearview mirror, landing on Jaewon and Daehyun's sleeping forms. The elder has his head on the younger's shoulder, and Daehyun's head rests on top of Jaewon's, the pair both blissfully unconscious.

"Ah," Minsoo simply replies, gazing out at the darkened road. 

"...you're handling this shockingly well."

"I am?" 

Minsoo turns, eyes gleaming in the faint light of the display. "I don't know what I'm doing, hyung."

Dongho's eyes narrow slightly, but he doesn't press. 

"I mean... I want to protect Jaewon," Minsoo murmurs, gazing out at the passing scenery, "but I don't... I don't think that's possible."

Dongho's lips purse into a thin line, and his gaze flits to the rearview mirror once more. "...I know."

"I don't..."

A laugh slips through Minsoo's lips - it's borderline hysterical - and he grips the fabric of his jeans, digging his nails into his knees. "My hands won't stop shaking. Isn't that funny?"

Dongho doesn't reply.

Minsoo squares his jaw, gazing out the window as he tries to regulate his breathing. Every so often, Dongho can hear a slight hitch, and he can see something glimmering in the leader's eyes as he gazes out the window.

It's for that reason, he decides, that they pull into a gas station. 

Officially, it's because they need more gas - and that isn't a lie - but to Dongho, it's because he can tell Minsoo needs to cry.

The leader flinches as the van rolls to a stop, head jerking upright and eyes widening. "Wha-"

Dongho hops out of his side of the car and rounds the front, gesturing for Minsoo to join him. It's a star-filled night - hundreds of thousands of lights left off - and he can see the entire band of the Milky Way. 

"What's up?"

Dongho doesn't respond with words.

Instead, he yanks Minsoo into a crushing hug.

The leader makes a small noise of surprise as Dongho's hand comes up to rest on his head, the other winding around his waist. He presses Minsoo's face into his shoulder, pressing his own nose into the younger man's hair, and _god_ , he feels so _awkward_ doing this, but Minsoo's always been someone easily comforted by skinship.

"Hyung-"

"Nobody's watching," Dongho murmurs, tears stinging his own eyes. "It's okay."

A ragged sniff, and Minsoo grabs his jacket, tears seeping into the dark fabric.

It's desperate, it's raw, and _Minsoo needs this_. Even though what Dongho can provide is _far_ inferior to Daehyun or even Jaewon, Minsoo needs _him_ right now.

"I'm scared," the leader whispers, a hint of a sob in his voice. "I don't- I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to fix this, I don't know how to do _anything_ -"

Dongho doesn't respond, opting to gently stroke Minsoo's hair instead. It seems to work, based on the way Minsoo sucks in a ragged breath before continuing. 

"I don't know anything about Jaewon," the leader sobs, and _god_ , it _is_ a sob by now. "I barely know any more about Daehyun. I wasn't- I _passed out_ when you guys really needed me, and I can't- I can't protect Jaewon, I can't protect Daehyun, I can't protect _you_ -"

"Hey, hey," Dongho murmurs, but Minsoo's on a roll.

"-and my parents are _dead_ , and my brother's _dead_ , and the last discussion I ever had with him I said I _hated him_ -"

"Minsoo-yah."

"-and we're being hunted by _demons_ who want us _dead_ , and I can't do a _thing_ , and I just-"

Minsoo cuts himself off once more, a sound halfway between a sob and a scream tearing its way from his throat. "I can't do _anything_ , hyung! I can't protect you, I can't protect Jaewon, I wasn't there when you needed me-"

"Hey."

Dongho pulls back, cupping Minsoo's face in his hands and tilting the younger man's chin up. "Minsoo-yah. Look at me."

 _God_ , Minsoo's a wreck. Tears stream down his cheeks, mingling with the eye liner and mascara they _still_ haven't removed, and there's snot rolling down his chin that Dongho wipes away with the hem of his shirt. 

And yet-

they're still idols.

(or, well. they were.)

"We don't have to know everything right now," Dongho assures him, wiping away the running mascara with the sheer fabric of his stage uniform. "We can just figure out tomorrow, hm?"

"But-"

"Tonight, we find a place to stay," Dongho states, and Minsoo stares at him with something bordering on awe. "Tomorrow, we get food and clothes. Does that sound good?"

Minsoo stares at him, eyes wide, and _god_ , there's a fleeting moment where he looks _so painfully_ like a kid. "How do you know?"

"What?"

"How do you know what to do?" Minsoo clarifies, and Dongho nearly bursts into laughter then and there, because _god_ does he not know.

"I don't," he simply replies, letting his hands fall to his sides. "I'm just... guessing."

"But what if we guess wrong?"

Minsoo and Dongho are the perfectionists, the ones who've spent _years_ becoming idols, the ones who've boxed themselves into this linear way of thinking-

so Dongho tries a metaphor.

"What happens if your plan fails in your game?"

"We try something else," Minsoo immediately replies, then looks stricken. "I-"

"Exactly," Dongho states. "So even if this doesn't work, we'll keep trying."

Minsoo still looks skeptical, so Dongho pulls out his final trump card.

"Do you trust me?"

Minsoo stares at him for a moment, something swirling in his eyes, and for a moment, Dongho thinks he'll say no-

but he nods.

"Yeah," the leader murmurs, voice barely louder than a whisper. "Yeah, I trust you."

"...good."

Dongho gestures to the gas station, gaze pinned on the bright fluorescent lights. "Let's get you some makeup remover, hmm?"

Minsoo grins, though it's weak and crooked. "Yeah. Sure."

* * *

_God, Jaewon's tired._

_He stares into the depths of his coffee, barely able to make out his distorted reflection in the dark liquid._

_He's so damn tired._

_"Hey," someone states, and Jaewon raises his head, a lopsided grin slipping onto his lips at the sight of his tattooed friend._

_"Ah, hi!"_

_Jun's lips purse into a frown, and he plunks a croissant on the table in front of Jaewon, following it up with a cup of water. "Eat."_

_Jaewon stares at the croissant for a moment, then up at Jun._

_Then back at the croissant._

_"What?"_

_"Nari said you were hungry," Jun states, thumbing in the direction of his manager. "I just brought it over."_

_Jaewon's gaze flits to the manager for a moment - who looks entirely too smug for this to have been her idea - then back to Jun, who seems to have forgotten the purpose of hands._

_Oh._

_So it was Jun's idea._

_"Thank you," Jaewon grins, hoping and praying that it actually comes out right. And then, again-_

_"Really. Thank you."_

_Jun's expression doesn't falter, but in the back, Nari's "aww"ing at them, so Jaewon hopes he's done something right._

_"I'll go home," Nari grins, strolling towards the door. "Lock up, Junnie-yah, would you?"_

_"Yah-"_

_The door swings shut, and Jun wilts, staring after her with some sort of incomprehensible expression._

_Now it's awkward._

_Great._

_"So," Jun finally states, falling into the chair opposite him, "what's with the hair?"_

_"What?"_

_Jaewon stares at him, eyes wide, and Jun gestures to his hair, expression blank. "Your hair. It's red."_

_"O-Oh!" Jaewon stammers, reaching up to fidget with the ends of his hair. "I-I thought it suited me!"_

_(for more reasons than he can state)_

_"It doesn't," Jun bluntly states, and Jaewon flinches. "Do you smoke?"_

_"N-No! Why?"_

_His response is a bit too quick, and Jun arches a brow, gesturing to his bag. "The lighter."_

_Jaewon's gaze flits to his lighter - his unhealthy addiction, really, though it has nothing to do with smoke - and he laughs, trying to ignore the damning piece of plastic. "Ah, I thought it suited me..."_

_"You're one weird kid," Jun mutters, and Jaewon grins, small and weak._

_"Aha, yeah..."_

_Jaewon picks up his croissant, tearing it in half as best he can. It results in two lopsided pieces, and he thrusts the larger one in Jun's direction, a bright smile on his lips. "Have some!"_

_"...I literally work here."_

_Jaewon's smile doesn't falter, but he can feel sweat beading on his forehead nonetheless. "I know, but... I thought you might want some anyways!"_

_"I want to go home, Jaewon."_

_"O-Oh! Am I keeping you after?"_

_Jaewon's gaze flies to the clock - and sure enough, it's fifteen minutes past closing. "Oh god, I'm so sorry-"_

_"Hey," Jun cuts in, and Jaewon shuts up. "You're fine."_

_"But-"_

_"Really."_

_Jun heads for the counter, a rag slung over his shoulder, and Jaewon stands, gathering the food and coffee in his arms. "A-Ah, thank you..."_

_"If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you."_

_Jaewon's... ninety percent sure he's joking._

_Jun opens his mouth to respond-_

"Hyung!"

Jaewon bolts upright in time for his face to collide with a headrest, and he groans, rubbing his nose in an attempt to assuage the dull ache. "Wha-"

A _fucking explosion_ rocks the car, and someone screams - probably Minsoo, he's extra like that - as Daehyun grips onto a handhold, bracing himself against the wall. "Hyung, what-"

"This is our fault!" Minsoo shouts, and he and Dongho look like they've both been crying. They've changed, as well - Dongho into what _look_ like yoga pants and a t-shirt, and Minsoo into skinny jeans and a hoodie - but Jaewon really should be focusing on the source of the explosions, shouldn't he? 

"What?" Daehyun shouts, and Minsoo looks like he wants to smash someone's face into the dashboard.

"This! Was! Our! Fault!"

Dongho yanks the steering wheel to one side, and Jaewon crashes into Daehyun's side, eyes wide as he stares at the chaos unfolding. "Wha-"

The eldest slams on the gas pedal as the ground cracks under them, and the van shoots forwards, barely evading the crumbling road. There's the sound of something exploding on the sides, but Jaewon's ability isn't going off, so it's not _fire_ -

Water slams into the window, and it cracks, Daehyun gripping Jaewon's jacket tighter as Dongho presses the gas pedal as low as it'll go. Minsoo's clutching a pocketknife in the front seat, lips pursed in concentration, and Jaewon surveys the scene, inwardly debating whether or not he can make it to his lighter.

A second window cracks, and Jaewon _really doesn't have a choice, does he_?

"Minsoo!" Dongho shouts, his voice nearly lost in the chaos. Jaewon's rooting through his bag, scrambling for his lighter, and once he finally gets his hands on it, it slips from his grasp. 

They're doing _something_ in the front seat, and it's something he can't see in the slightest.

He cranes his neck to see as he continues to root through their belongings, shoving bags to the side in his mad scramble for the lighter. 

He has to find it.

"Are you fucking _insane_?" Daehyun shrieks, and Dongho shakes his head, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.

"Trust me!"

And Minsoo-

"Don't die!" the leader shouts, and Daehyun makes a sound verging on a hysterical shriek.

"Are you _both insane_?"

Jaewon's lighter is on the floor - he thinks - and he scrabbles between the bags for it, kicking a mystery backpack to the side in his mad rush to find it. 

He can stop this.

(whatever _this_ is.)

His fingers brush plastic, and he grasps his lighter as tightly as he can, jerking upright just in time to see Dongho leap out the door. 

The car immediately swerves to the side, and Minsoo scrambles across the dashboard, yanking the steering wheel to the side as he tries to regain some modicum of control. It gives Jaewon the overpowering feeling of being in a blender - if a blender were to be a van - and he crawls for one of the other doors, only for Daehyun to wrap an arm around his waist. 

"Let me go!" Jaewon all but shrieks, and Daehyun shakes his head, lips pursed in a thin line.

"Hyung has a plan."

As soon as the words leave his lips, the ground shudders underneath them, and Minsoo sinks his teeth into his lower lip, slamming his foot on the gas as hard as he can.

"Dongho-hyung!" Jaewon shrieks, and Daehyun scrambles for the door, only to see they're both locked.

"This wasn't the plan!" the youngest shouts. "Turn the van around!"

Minsoo doesn't let up on the gas in the slightest. 

" _Hyung_!"

The ground jolts once more-

and Minsoo swears, gripping the steering wheel with white-knuckled hands-

but it's to no avail.

The ground under the back wheels crumbles, and Minsoo curses, apparently wanting to slam the gas pedal into the floor. "Dammit, Kang Dongho...!"

"What?"

Minsoo slams the gas pedal into the floor once more, but without traction against the rear wheels, they're not going anywhere. "Shit!"

His gaze lands on the side mirror, and he pales, head whipping around comically fast. "Daehyun! Open your window!"

"Wha-"

" _Just do it_!"

Daehyun presses the "window down" button, and it's almost comical how slow the glass recedes, especially with Minsoo's mounting panic. 

"Dammit, Kang Dongho," he hisses, gaze pinned on the rearview mirror. "Dammit, dammit, _dammit_ -"

The ground shudders once more-

and there's the sound of crumpling metal as the van lurches forwards, a dark figure hurtling through the open window milliseconds before he would've been cut in two.

"Hyung?" Jaewon breathes, leaning down to poke Dongho's cheek. "Hyung, hyung, what-"

 _"What was that?"_ gets stuck in his throat. 

Minsoo's eyes narrow to thin slits as he stares at Dongho's unconscious form, and he chokes on a laugh, though it comes out as more of a panicked wheeze. "Congrats, Jaewon-ah. Looks like you're not the only magician in the van."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's finally heeeere???
> 
> jun
> 
> i have Plans For Him
> 
> : )
> 
> also the most i'm ever going to mention minsoo's brother is the like one line in this chapter i promise i just wanted to make him really sad
> 
> also also debating ships but also wanna keep this available to everyone... thoughts?
> 
> (last also i promise) this was gonna be later, but i had this scene in mind from the start... don't worry, we're gonna get some useful!jaewon later ^^
> 
> lemme know abt any typos~


	5. do you think about me? i've been waiting all night

Daehyun stares into the mirror, hands white-knuckled around the rim of the bathroom sink.

His reflection stares back at him - dark bags under his eyes, blond hair hanging limp around his face - and he ducks his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

God, how did it come to this?

"Daehyun-ah?" Jaewon calls, and Daehyun turns on the faucet, splashing a bit of water in his face to wake himself up. "Are you... are you okay?"

Is there a viable answer here?

"Minsoo-hyung says he's going to stay up to keep watch," Jaewon continues, "so we should get some sleep."

"Has he slept at _all_?"

Daehyun pulls open the door, well aware he looks like hell. He's in an oversized t-shirt and sweats, hair sticking to his face, and he _really doesn't care_.

Jaewon pauses for a moment, gaze distant, before he shakes his head. "I don't... I can take watch. That would be safer."

It's formatted as a question, but Daehyun ignores it.

He heads for the door, instead.

Bare feet pad against grimy concrete as he knocks on the door of Dongho and Minsoo's room, casting a wary glance at the distant road. "Hyung?"

There's a moment of rustling before the door clicks open, revealing a panda-eyed Minsoo. "Dae-yah...?" he mumbles, leaning on the doorframe as he rubs his eyes. It's an apparent attempt to assuage exhaustion, but based on the fact that it's been well over twenty-four hours since he slept, Daehyun privately doubts its effectiveness. "What's...?"

"Jaewon-hyung said he can take watch," Daehyun states, and Minsoo's eyes flash as he forces himself upright, steeling his jaw and shoving his hands into his pockets. 

"I'm fine, Daehyun-ah. Go sleep."

"Hyung," Daehyun repeats, adding an extra bit of firmness to his voice. "You're exhausted. Let us handle it for a while."

"I've got it handled," Minsoo snaps - and he probably doesn't even realize he's doing it. Then, a little softer, "you two go to bed."

Daehyun peers around the leader to see Dongho lying on one of the beds, blankets pulled up to his chin and what looks to be a small cat plushie resting on the bed next to him.

It's honestly kind of adorable.

"You're _exhausted_ ," Daehyun presses, and Minsoo's lips purse into a pout.

"I'm _fine_ , Daehyun-ah. Go to bed."

Daehyun rolls his eyes, stuffing his hands into his pockets. " _Fine_ , hyung. Don't blame me if you're exhausted tomorrow morning."

He makes a giant show of stomping back to his and Jaewon's room, slamming the door shut behind him before pressing a finger to his lips.

"Daehyun-ah-" Jaewon whispers, eyes wide, "what-"

"Just call me Dae-yah," Daehyun whispers in return, thumbing in the direction of the door. "Hyung's going to fall asleep in, like, fifteen minutes, so I'm going to take watch when he does."

Jaewon nods, and Daehyun turns back to his bag, pulling out a hoodie he stole from Dongho and wriggling into it. Dongho's the only one whose clothes he can steal - Minsoo's just too small, and things are still kind of awkward with Jaewon - and he's half-positive that half of the clothes in his dressers were originally the eldest's.

He turns around, intent on discussing the events of earlier with Jaewon, but when he's met with the image of a Jaewon burrito, all plans fly out the window.

Jaewon's fully cocooned in his sheets, his face popping out of one end and his hands clutching the comforter for dear life. It reminds Daehyun irrationally of a cat - and _that_ reminds him of their conversation about Jaewon and Boba hours prior, and _that_ reminds him of Dongho, once more - and he grins, raising his phone to snap a photo. 

Jaewon blinks at him, and that _really_ doesn't help Daehyun not think of the elder as a cat. "Daehyun-ah-"

"Call me Dae," Daehyun all but begs, flopping onto his own bed. "Daehyun makes me feel like I'm in trouble."

Jaewon stares at him, eyes wide, and Daehyun nods. "I mean, you can call me Dae, Daehyunnie, Hyunnie... I really don't care."

Jaewon blinks at him once more, and Daehyun nods again.

This is a really productive conversation.

"Dae-yah," Jaewon tries, and Daehyun grins, pulling a pillow to his chest. 

"Yeah! See? Was that so hard?"

Jaewon shakes his head, and Daehyun's grin takes on a mischievous edge. 

"Ah, the hyungs are gonna be so _jealous_ I got you to call me by a nickname! Minsoo's been casually dropping hints for _forever_."

Jaewon blinks at him for the umpteenth time, and Daehyun nods, grin widening.

"Oh, boy, this is gonna be _great_."

* * *

_He's back, standing under the meteor shower once more._

_Only-_

_he's not thirteen this time._

_Dongho watches as the sky falls, colored streaks arcing through the air. He has the nagging feeling he's forgetting something - something important - but the floor is cool under his feet, and the sky's falling, so he waits._

_He doesn't know what he's waiting for, nor does he know how he got here._

_All he knows is that something's going to happen._

_And then-_

_it does._

_A meteor splits in four, four pieces barely larger than his thumb hurtling to earth, and he somehow knows what's to come._

_One of the rocks - a dark one, glowing a dull green - skitters across the balcony and slams into the wall, and he doesn't need to think about it for an instant._

_He reaches out and grasps it._

_And in the same moment-_

_he's falling._

_Memories swirl around him like gems, distant snippets of conversations and scenes filling the air._

_One second, Jaewon's shooting a fireball at a wall, and-_

_the next, Minsoo's tossing him a cat toy, and-_

_Daehyun's lying on his side, not moving, and-_

_there's a katana lying on the ground, blood splattered over the blade, and-_

_Jaewon's bending over him, a wet washcloth on his forehead and pain ravaging his body, and-_

_one of his dongsaengs tumbles through the air, lithe form limp, and-_

Dongho's eyes snap open.

Memories flood in - both from his dreams, and from the day prior - and he feels his blood run cold as he remembers the squealing tires accompanying Minsoo's shouts. 

"Minsoo," he gasps, bolding upright. "Where's-"

"We're all okay," Daehyun cuts in, glancing meaningfully to something at Dongho's side. "He stayed up as late as he could, so I carried him in."

And, true to form, Minsoo's curled up on the bed next to him, nearly falling off the side in his bid to stay away from the eldest. It's equal parts depressing and heartwarming, and Dongho tugs the younger man back onto the bed before climbing out himself, crossing the room to take a seat in the desk chair. 

It feels like he's more _grounded_ , somehow. It's strange, yes, but not entirely uncomfortable.

"What happened yesterday?" Daehyun asks, and Dongho quirks a brow.

"What do you mean?"

"Minsoo-hyung was shouting something about how that was your fault..." Jaewon mumbles, gaze distant, "but I don't understand..."

Dongho grimaces, shoving his hands in his pockets. "We had to stop to get gas, and I helped Minsoo wash off his makeup. By the time we were on the road again, the... demons? Caught up to us. That's what he means."

"Oh, so it wasn't your fault at all?"

"It was," Dongho states, and Daehyun glares at him, seemingly unfazed.

"How is _them_ attacking _us_ your fault?"

"He has a point," Jaewon pipes up, and Dongho sighs, throwing his head back to gaze into the ceiling.

"Thank you, Jaewon-ah."

He reaches up to rake a hand through his hair, eyes fluttering shut.

_A body arcing through the air, eyes shut and limbs slack-_

"I'm going into town."

His eyes snap open, and he fixes Jaewon with a steely glare, something unidentifiable smoldering in his irises. "Jaewon-ah. Protect them while I'm out."

"Wha-"

"I'm _right here_ ," Daehyun snaps, and Dongho ignores him. "Yah, hyung!"

Dongho continues to ignore the eldest, pulling on a hoodie and slipping on his sneakers. "I'm going to grab some food," he states, and Daehyun bristles, eyes narrowing.

"I don't need to be _protected_ ," the youngest spits, and Dongho continues to ignore him, checking his phone before shoving it into his pocket. "What's _up_ with you?"

"Don't go anywhere," Dongho simply replies. "I'll be back in an hour."

The door swings shut-

and the room's plunged into silence.

"Who does he think he is?" Daehyun hisses, glaring daggers at the closed door. "I'm not some- some _helpless kid_. I can- I can protect myself!"

A part of Jaewon wants to reply with "I know", but he has the overwhelming feeling that won't go over well.

Daehyun's gaze shoots to him, and his eyes narrow further, hands balling into fists in his lap. "What're you looking at?"

"I-"

"Are you just upset because there are no girls left to sleep with?"

God, that _sentence_.

Just-

the fact is-

that hasn't changed. 

They still see him as a womanizer. Someone incapable of forming genuine bonds.

And that-

that _hurts_.

It _aches_ , aches in a deep dull part of his chest, and Jaewon honestly can't tell it apart from his grief (grief that, more often than not, takes the shape of a tattooed barista) as he shakes his head, digging his nails into his palm.

"That's not it, Dae-yah-"

"Then what _is_?"

And Daehyun's grieving, Jaewon knows - they all are - but this grief is _destructive_ in a way neither Minsoo nor Dongho can emulate.

"Are you upset because you have to spend time with us?" Daehyun snaps, and Jaewon can _see_ the cracks in his expression, _see_ the pain in his eyes, but that doesn't make the words hurt any less. "God _fucking_ forbid you have to spend time with your groupmates, am I right? And why _would_ you want to spend time with us, when you have your _harem_?"

"Daehyun, wait-"

"I mean, how _horrible_ must it be, knowing _we're_ alive? You _clearly_ don't like us, after all."

"Dae-"

"You probably wish we were dead, don't you? Maybe I should just fuck off, save you the trouble!"

" _That's not it_!"

Jaewon realizes he'd screamed when Daehyun's eyes widen, mouth falling open into a small "o". "Hyung, I-"

"My friend," Jaewon whispers, ducking his head so Daehyun can't see his rapidly-forming tears. "Jun. He... he worked at a coffee shop. I would go there, when I could, and we would talk. And I- he didn't know about my reputation. He didn't know Wyld. He just- he just knew Jaewon. And I-"

He shakes his head, tears finally spilling down his cheeks. "He was my _best friend_ ," he sobs, pressing his hands into his eyes as if that'll do something to stem the flow of tears. "He- he was my _best friend_ , and now-"

The words are tangled up in his throat, stuck somewhere between his lungs and lips, but he chokes them out anyways.

"H-He's dead. A-And I don't know if he's coming back."

Slowly, slowly, arms wrap around his back, and he collapses into Daehyun's embrace, hoarse sobs wracking his frame. "I don't like who I am," he gasps, grasping Daehyun's shirt with shaking hands. "I d-don't- I d-don't wanna be-"

"I'm sorry," Daehyun whispers, and Jaewon feels his knees brush the stiff carpeting of the motel floor. "I'm sorry, Jaewon-hyung, I'm _sorry_ -"

"I d-don't wanna lie," Jaewon sobs, pressing his face into the junction of Daehyun's neck and shoulder. "I-I'm so t-tired of _lying_ -"

"I know, hyung-"

"I never- I n-never slept with those girls."

For a moment, Daehyun forgets how to breathe.

"I-I never-" Jaewon gasps, lithe frame shaking with the combined forces of panic and desperation. "I n-never slept with a-anyone. I-I'm not- I-I'm not that kind of p-person. I n-never-"

Daehyun doesn't-

he doesn't know what to say.

"I d-don't hate you guys," Jaewon continues, apparently deciding to push through his apparent discomfort. "I n-never- I th-thought you guys h-hated me. I-I never-"

"It's okay," Daehyun breathes, because really, _what else can he say_? 

Any words he could've found slip from his grasp in the wake of these revelations, and he presses his face into Jaewon's hair, inhaling the smells of woodsmoke and gasoline.

(under it, there's the distant smell of jaewon's shampoo, and he wants to be sick)

"I'm sorry," he simply repeats, pressing Jaewon's face into his shoulder as the realization that _he has failed his friend_ crashes over him. "I'm so sorry, Jaewon-hyung..."

Jaewon doesn't reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, the hard part of fanfiction... to know whether or not the original creator actually minds what you're doing ^^;
> 
> oh yeah and actually writing it
> 
> that's pretty hard too
> 
> also like... this is a really sad story? because they're grieving, and it's sad, and...
> 
> don't worry communication comes eventually
> 
> also also characterization is HARD. like. REALLY REALLY HARD. i'm so sorry for the ooc.
> 
> (sorry for my disgusting author's notes i just jot down whatever i'm feeling while i write)


	6. if this isn't destiny, are we really meant to fall

It's funny, honestly.

Minsoo's a little glad that he has a reputation as "the dense one" - since people let their guards down around him. 

He wasn't aware that extended to his members, but apparently it does.

Jaewon begging Daehyun to keep his secret plays on loop in his head - and he's smart enough to know Jaewon didn't mean for that to come out - but that hurts on an entirely different level.

Why would Jaewon want to keep that secret?

He stares at his reflection, and for a moment, he sees what Dongho must've seen.

Someone powerless.

Someone _weak_ , someone unable to protect the people he cares about, someone who's just a _burden_ -

He exhales, lowering his head to stare into the sink.

God, he thought he was over this.

He thought he was able to- to _compartmentalize_ \- but this shitshow seems to have torn down all his walls, letting his emotions tumble on top of each other and combine into some truly disgusting cocktails of misery.

Fuck.

Were he able to, he'd pour all of his misery into dance - let himself loose under the bright fluorescent lights, sneakers squeaking against wood as he throws himself wholeheartedly into whatever unchoreographed dance fills his mind - but they're hours away from their studio, and Dongho would undoubtedly catch him if he tried to do anything here.

And, see, Minsoo's always had a bit too much energy - always felt a bit distant from whatever he's doing that _isn't_ running on instinct, which led to him carrying around a notebook to write down anything important - but now it's just bottling up inside and fueling his rapid spiral, brain running until it burns itself out and leaves him lying on his bed, lost somewhere between wanting to sleep and having too much energy to close his eyes.

There he goes again, dwelling on another pointless tangent. 

"Hyung?" Jaewon calls, a hint of nerves in his voice. "Are you okay?"

Jaewon is just... a walking enigma, honestly. His mere existence feels a lot like doublethink - he's both a womanizer and a sweetheart, both confident and awkward - but then again, Minsoo supposes, there's a certain degree of separation he has to approach Jaewon with. 

His dongsaeng is a trained actor, and Minsoo hates that he's only just realizing that.

"I'm fine," Minsoo murmurs, shaking his head. Then, more cheerfully, "I'll be right out!"

How did he fail as a leader to the point where Jaewon can't trust him for something as simple as this?

* * *

In hindsight, maybe grabbing eggs was a bad idea.

Dongho ducks behind a counter, grimacing as a fireball slams into the far wall. The bags hanging off either arm sway threateningly, and he grimaces at the sight of the egg carton hanging open, its contents spilled over the rest of the food.

Delightful.

"Look," one of the creatures - demons? - calls, and Dongho sighs, letting his head thunk against the counter. "Can't you just let me kill you?"

"Why the fuck would I let you do that?"

Dongho dives to the side, bags slamming into each other as he ducks down another aisle. "Why do you even want us dead?"

"So we can colonize," the creature states, and Dongho sighs, dropping into a quick crouch.

The ground shudders, and the creature yelps, the sound of a large amount of smashing bottles following suit. "Are you sure I can't just kill you?"

"You're awfully chatty for someone who wants me dead."

"Thanks! I try!"

"...what even _are_ you?"

"Wow, that's rude. How would you like it if I asked what _you_ are?"

"...I can't believe I'm bantering with an alien who killed seven point five billion people."

"Was that all?"

"If I wasn't carrying eggs, I would murder you."

"Oh, right! I'm supposed to be killing you!"

"Stars, Absy-"

Dongho curses, scrambling to his feet and taking off at a dead sprint. He's barely two feet out the door when the building's water lines rupture in tandem, spraying his back with water, and he grits his teeth, reaching out with his ability in an attempt to stay grounded.

It works, somewhat.

It works in the sense that he doesn't _trip_ , but it fails on the front of actually escaping, since he had to stop moving to use his ability.

That's an issue.

"You can't kill him?" a second voice snaps, and Dongho wastes _no_ time in sprinting for the van, yanking the keys from his pocket and unlocking the door. "Stop him!"

The fire hydrant closest to the van explodes, spraying the street with water and smashing in the windows of an unfortunate car. It spews into the sky, a veritable geyser of water, and Dongho doesn't need to be a genius to tell what's going to happen next.

The water changes direction, barreling straight towards him.

He throws up a wall of pavement on instinct, dropping into a steadying stance as he reaches for the earth. The water ricochets off the concrete surface and spews into the sky, eventually landing back the way it came. 

Unfortunately, Dongho had more than one opponent.

A fireball shoots past his ear, narrowly missing his shoulder, and he curses, racing around his hastily-constructed barrier and towards the van. It's already coated in water, and he fumbles with the keys for a moment before the door unlocks, and he chucks his bags into the car before turning to face his enemies.

The demons seem to be wearing clothes from some boutique somewhere, with the blue-haired one's hair pulled into a braid, and the red-haired one's pulled into a ponytail. Were it not for the fangs, the pointed ears, and the fact that the red-haired one is on fire, they could even pass for human.

That's... strangely disturbing.

Dongho knows he has to run, _knows_ he can't win against them on his own, but he'll be damned if he doesn't go on the offensive.

He reaches for the earth-

and _pulls_.

The ground opens up under the pair, and the red-haired one (Absy?) tumbles into the crevice, the blue-haired one jumping in after him. Before either one can make a reappearance, Dongho slams the ground shut above them, sagging against the car as a headache starts to form.

The ground looks... normal.

Well, passably normal. It really looks like a decrepit road from some distant county somewhere, but it doesn't look _exceedingly_ like it's been in a warzone, and for that, he's grateful.

He climbs into the van and yanks the door shut, resting his head against the steering wheel as the world swims in front of him.

He has to drive home.

 _God_ , does he not want to drive home.

* * *

"What _happened_?"

Daehyun darts forwards, wrapping an arm around Dongho's back while Minsoo tugs the bags from his grasp. And honestly-

the eldest looks like he's been through hell. 

His hair is singed at the ends, and his wet clothes drip idly on the pavement. More than that, though, he just looks _drained_ \- like someone's sucked the life out of him and left a dull husk in its place.

It's terrifying, honestly.

"The eggs broke," the eldest states, pushing out of Daehyun's grasp. "There should be some good stuff in there, though."

Daehyun's eyes flicker with something for a moment - hurt, betrayal, confusion - before he grins, pulling one bag from Jaewon's grasp and looking through it. "Apples, tomatoes, carrots... did you just grab random things from the produce section?"

Dongho pointedly ignores Daehyun's comment, and the youngest chokes on a noise halfway between a laugh and a wheeze. "Oh my god, you _did_. Do you- do you even know how to cook?"

Once again, no response.

"How do you not know how to _cook_?" Daehyun gasps, gaze flitting to Minsoo and Jaewon. "Do you two know how to cook?"

"...I can make instant ramen?" Jaewon offers.

Minsoo just gives Daehyun an awkward grin, letting the action speak for him.

"Oh my god," Daehyun grins, glee laced in each syllable. "I get to teach you guys how to cook."

"Why?" Dongho asks, and Daehyun's grin turns smug.

"Girls love guys who can cook! Everyone loves guys who can cook! Why _not_ learn how?"

"I don't think fire and I are a good combination," Jaewon laughs, and Daehyun's lips purse into a pout.

"C'mon! It'll be fun! And I'd really love it if you would join us!"

Damn.

Jaewon's expression soars for a fleeting instant, hope shining _painfully_ bright in his eyes before it disappears, replaced with a guarded sort of wariness. "...sure?"

"Jaewonnie-hyung said yes!" Daehyun chirps, planting his hands on his hips. "Now you guys _have_ to join!"

"Wha- why?"

"It's the Rule of Jaewon," Minsoo states, and Daehyun nods sagely. "If you want to do something, then the rest of us have to do it by default."

"That's... a lot of faith to have in me," Jaewon helplessly replies, and Daehyun shrugs.

"It works fine for us."

"S-So, if I jumped off a bridge-"

"We'd follow," Daehyun replies, then grimaces. "Actually, please don't."

"Wha- that's so unhealthy!"

"He's exaggerating," Dongho mutters, folding his arms over his chest. "Really, if we want to do something but we're split, you're the tiebreaking vote. I'm _not_ jumping off a cliff."

"Couldn't you catch yourself?" Minsoo wonders. 

Dongho flinches _violently_ at that, and Minsoo's eyes widen, concern shining in his gaze. "Hyung, are you-"

"I'm going to head back to the room," the eldest states, pushing past Jaewon as he heads for the stairs. "Have fun."

It's short, clipped, impersonal - and both Minsoo and Daehyun seem to notice.

"But- you have to join!" Daehyun calls, hurt evident. "Jaewon-hyung's joining! You have to!"

"He doesn't care," Minsoo murmurs, confusion mingling with a sort of disappointed awe. "I don't... I don't understand."

"I'll talk to him," Jaewon offers, and Minsoo sighs, shaking his head.

"No, no, I can do it. You go cook with Daehyun-ah, okay?"

He grins, mischief glinting in his eyes. "Maybe make... anchovies?"

Daehyun shrieks, and Minsoo sprints for the stairs. " _Minsoo-hyung_!"

"You'll never take me alive!" Minsoo shouts, and Daehyun takes off after him.

"We'll see about that!"

Jaewon's simply left to stand in the middle of the parking lot, surrounded by plastic bags.

One silently flops over and spills egg over his shoe.

Logically, he should follow them, but is this even a situation he should insert himself in?

(do they even want him to be there?)

The sound of sneakers against pavement startles him from his reverie, and he blinks, turning to see a disgruntled Daehyun approaching.

"He closed the door," Daehyun grouses, raking a hand through his hair. " _So_ unfair."

"A-Ah, yeah..."

"Are you nervous?" Daehyun asks, and Jaewon freezes, sweat beading on his forehead.

_Exposed._

"Don't be afraid! I don't bite!"

The mental image of hundreds of anchovy teeth pops into Jaewon's mind, unbidden, and he pales, trying frantically to keep from imagining Daehyun with a fish head.

He's... not particularly successful.

"Jaewon-hyung?" Daehyun asks, and Jaewon stares up into the clouds, trying to dispel the image of Daehyun with a fish head.

_Don'tthinkaboutthefishheaddon'tthinkaboutthefishhead-_

"What're you thinking about?"

"Fish head!"

There's a long moment of silence.

Jaewon's face turns bright crimson, and he buries it in his hands in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. 

Daehyun, on the other hand-

"Did you just say _fish head_?"

"Yes," Jaewon mumbles, voice muffled by his hands. 

"I- _what_?"

"I was imagining you with a fish head," Jaewon sighs, visibly miserable. 

There's a small pause.

"Are you-" Daehyun grins, glee evident. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh my god, I have to do that. Do you think there are costume stores nearby?"

"I- Dae- wha-"

"That'll teach Minsoo-hyung to call me anchovy," Daehyun grins, seeming entirely too much like an imp for Jaewon's liking. "I'll get the fish head, hide under his bed, and when he wakes up, _boo_! Fish head! Do you think he'll scream?"

The mental image of Daehyun with a fish head is replaced with the mental image of Minsoo clinging to the walls like Spiderman, and Jaewon grins despite himself. "Probably."

"That settles it!" Daehyun grins, clapping his hands. "I'm going to find a fish head costume!"

Somehow, Jaewon feels like he's created a monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the pavement scene, i researched a little bit and i THINK pavement is stronger than a fire hydrant
> 
> (also yes, the four villains did have a shopping spree. this did involve dresses. i'm keeping scenes with them to the bare minimum unless people are okay with more)
> 
> ...minsoo does in fact call daehyun anchovy, as i found out from mayhem's twit. it's because dae was so skinny as a trainee


	7. friends wouldn't do this or make me feel so alone

"Hyung?"

Minsoo casts his gaze around the room, eventually landing on Dongho. He's facing away from the door, hands in his hair and hunched over on the bed. 

"Are you... okay?"

"Go cook with Jaewon and Daehyun," Dongho replies, voice ice-cold. "I'm fine."

"...you sure? You seem kinda-"

"I'll be right down," Dongho states, and Minsoo arches a brow. "I just need a minute."

"What's wrong, hyung?"

"Nothing," Dongho snaps, wheeling to stare at him. Their gazes lock, and the elder holds the stare for a moment before turning away. "Sorry. I just..."

"You can talk to me. You know that, right?"

Minsoo takes a step closer, concern mounting. "I don't wanna see you hurt, hyung."

"I'm _fine_ , Minsoo-yah. Just-"

Dongho sighs once more, raking a hand through his hair. "Go cook with the others."

"Why... why are you acting like this?"

"What?"

"Why- why are you acting like Daehyun and I are- are kids that can just be _dismissed_? I don't- I don't understand! Do you trust Jaewon more than me?"

The last question is more of a desperate plea than an actual question, but a darkness falls over the eldest's face.

"I don't understand," Minsoo repeats, eyes begging for an _answer,_ an _explanation, anything_ to explain the way Dongho's acting. "What changed?"

"...I can't tell you."

"Why?" Minsoo breathes, and _god_ , this feels like betrayal (even though it isn't, even though it's _not_ -). "Why can't you tell me?"

"Because then I can't-"

Dongho cuts himself off, jerking his head to the side. "Go downstairs, Soo-yah. I'll be down in a bit."

"What aren't you telling me?" Minsoo begs, taking another step forward. "What- what did I do to make you think you can't trust me?"

He's stuttering a bit, and he sucks in a breath, eyes fluttering shut as he tries to regulate his thoughts.

"What did I do, hyung?"

"...nothing."

"I don't..."

Minsoo shakes his head, something close to horror shining in his eyes. "How can I... how can I fix this?"

"You can't."

It's flat, harsh, and Minsoo actually takes a step back, the words ringing in his mind.

_"You can't."_

"Wh... what?"

"That- that came out wrong. I just..."

A shuddering exhale, and Dongho shakes his head. "I need you to trust me, Minsoo-yah."

"But you don't... you don't trust me?"

"I do and I don't," Dongho sighs. "Let's just- let's just go downstairs, okay?"

"Why don't you trust me?"

Dongho sighs, hand flying up to massage the bridge of his nose. "Look, Minsoo-"

"Why- why don't you trust me? I haven't done _anything_. I don't- I don't understand what you _want_ from me!"

"...I'm going to the kitchen."

"Hyung-"

Dongho pushes past Minsoo without saying another word.

Seconds later, the door clicks shut.

* * *

"Okay!" Daehyun grins, clapping his hands as he surveys the kitchen. "Do you wanna learn how to make ramen?"

He frowns, shaking his head. "Actually, ramen isn't the best idea. What about ravioli?"

"Wh-why not ramen?" Jaewon asks, and Daehyun shakes his head once more.

"You said all you can make is instant ramen, right? Well, ravioli is kinda close to that, 'cause it's still pasta, but it's harder, too! And more healthy!"

"More... healthy?"

"It has meat in it!" Daehyun enthuses, tearing open a package of store-bought ravioli. "I was gonna make bibimbap, but Dongho-hyung broke all the eggs... so we're making ravioli!"

"Are you sure this is safe?"

Daehyun shrugs, turning on the burner and placing his hands on the middle of the pot. "I dunno. Maybe?"

The flame nags at the back of Jaewon's mind as he watches Daehyun... caress the pot? It's honestly a strange sight, and one that provokes a bit of concern, especially since Daehyun seems to not have an issue with possible burns, either. Maybe it's a cooking thing?

"What're you doing?"

"Don't try this at home," Daehyun replies, brow furrowed as he stares at the pot. "It's just an old family tradition that you can only do when the pot's really cold."

"Yeah, but... what _are_ you doing?"

"If I rub the pot, the water boils faster," Daehyun states, and Jaewon lets out a nervous laugh. 

"A-Are you sure?"

"Yes," Daehyun simply states. 

Jaewon... didn't know that was how water worked.

"But you shouldn't try this!" the youngest exclaims, wheeling to point an accusatory finger at Jaewon. "This is only for me!"

"A-Ah-"

"Otherwise, you might get burned," Daehyun continues, then pauses. "Wait. Can you get burned?"

"Maybe?" Jaewon helplessly replies, and Daehyun shrugs, turning back to the pot. 

"Ah, well. So, the real danger with ravioli is if it'll break when you're stirring it, so you wanna put them in very carefully. Otherwise, they'll splash, and you'll get burned, and they'll break, so you won't have a fun time at all."

Jaewon blinks at him, bewildered, and Daehyun's lips purse into a frown.

"Pasta gentle."

"What?"

"Pasta. Gentle."

"I don't- _what_?"

Daehyun shrugs, gesturing towards the pot. "Can you watch the pasta while I start on the sauce?"

For a moment, Jaewon wonders if they're cooking together, or if he's just Daehyun's assistant.

He grabs the packet from the table, peeling back the cover before staring at the pot. "How...?"

"Mm," Daehyun hums, and Jaewon flinches as the youngest comes to stand behind him, reaching around him to grasp the package. "So you wanna grab a single ravioli... raviolus? Is it raviolus?"

"Um-"

"You wanna grab a single raviolus," Daehyun continues, completely serious, "and place it in the water."

"Isn't ravioli the singular and the plural?"

Daehyun rests his chin on Jaewon's shoulder, humming noncommittally. "Maybe. Pick up a raviolus, hyung."

Jaewon grasps a single ravioli, shuddering at the feeling of raw pasta. "Are you sure?"

"Place the raviolus gently in the pot," Daehyun continues, and Jaewon flinches as the younger man reaches around to cover his hand. "Ah, isn't this fun? It's like that pottery scene~"

"I-I can place the ravoli in on my own, Dae-yah-"

"But you might break it," Daehyun frowns, "and broken ravioli is just sad pasta."

"I- what?"

"Pasta without its filling," Daehyun continues, expression grave. "Dead pasta."

Jaewon reaches over the pot before yanking his hand back, face screwed up in pain. "Ah-"

"What happened?" Daehyun asks, eyes wide with confusion. "Are you okay?"

"Just- the steam," Jaewon mumbles, flicking on the faucet. "Burned my hand."

"Huh?"

Daehyun looks... genuinely bewildered at that.

Why?

"I've never gotten burned," the youngest muses, pushing past Jaewon to slide the ravioli in the pot. "Can you measure out the cream?"

"How much do you need?"

"A half-liter," Daehyun replies, staring pensively into the pot. "Ah, wait-"

He reaches over and flicks on the second burner-

and a flame _leaps_ into the air.

"Oh, _shi_ -"

Before Daehyun can turn off the burner, Jaewon's reaching out, expression blank. The flame streams out from the burner, more replacing whatever Jaewon takes away, and Daehyun curses, flicking the burner off.

"Hyung-"

There's something _distant_ in Jaewon's eyes, something _missing_ as the flames reflect in his pupils.

It's like he's not in control. 

Daehyun yanks a large pot out of a cabinet and flicks on the faucet, anxiety mounting as the flames swirl up to Jaewon's neck. They dance back down to his fingertips, seeming like some sort of dragon, and were Daehyun not panicking, it might be beautiful.

Unfortunately, he _is_ panicking.

Before he can second-guess his idea, he lifts the pot and dumps its contents over Jaewon's head. 

An explosion of steam fills the room, and Daehyun stumbles backwards, throwing up his arms to protect his face. He can't hear a thing besides the hissing roar of forming steam, and he screws his eyes shut, stumbling towards one of the many hoods in the kitchen.

He presses his finger to the power button, and the whir of a fan fills the air, the steam already beginning to dissipate. 

Daehyun squints, eyes narrowed as he examines the room. His sauce is fine, the pot's already starting to bubble... 

and Jaewon's nowhere to be seen.

"Oh my god," Daehyun gasps, head whipping from side to side in an attempt to find Jaewon. "Oh my god, did I evaporate him? Is that possible? Hyung!"

He flicks off the hood and sags against the counter, pressing a hand to his eyes.

"...I just evaporated Jaewon-hyung. Oh, god, I just broke my hyung."

* * *

Is he doing the right thing?

Dongho leans against the wall, gaze pinned on the empty road. 

There aren't any cars. Aren't any people.

Just him, Minsoo, Jaewon, and Daehyun.

He sighs, pressing a hand to his eyes. 

_God_ , he's messing this up.

And yet, at the same time-

is there really any other way?

He can't figure out how to explain his position to Minsoo - the inherent doublethink involved in trusting Minsoo to make his own decisions and also _not_ trusting him to keep himself _alive_ isn't very easy to articulate aloud - and that's putting _Daehyun_ aside, who no doubt knows at least half of what happened. It's just-

everyone he knows is so _self-sacrificing_.

He doesn't know all of Jaewon's issues - and he resolves to ask about them, later - but both Daehyun and Minsoo are just... self-sacrificing to the point of idiocy. 

And it's _stressful_ , not to mention counterproductive. He can try and prevent what he saw from happening, but that's not going to work if the two of them keep rushing headlong into danger.

That's why they can't know what he's doing.

They're going to hate him for this, he knows. They're going to hate him, and they're going to get upset, but they'll be _alive_ , so it'll be okay.

It has to be okay.

"Hyung?"

Dongho's hand falls to his side, and he turns, gaze landing on Jaewon.

Ah.

"Jaewon-ah?" he asks, pushing off from the wall and shoving his hands in his pockets. "What's wrong? Why are you _wet_?"

Jaewon's dripping on the floor, water droplets rolling off his fire-red hair and shoes squelching as he moves. A part of Dongho wants to ask why he hasn't just dried himself off, but a much more logical part of him knows that's a horrible question.

"Ah, just..."

Jaewon fidgets with a lock of his hair, a self-deprecating grin on his face. "I may... have set something on fire?"

" _What._ "

"Not really!" the younger hurries to clarify, and Dongho's eyes narrow further. "I just... lost control a bit? Nobody got hurt, I promise!"

"...as long as nobody got hurt."

Jaewon sighs, leaning against the wall and gazing up at the clouds. "...Daehyun-ah looked so scared..."

"Scared of you, or scared for you?"

"Of me," Jaewon clarifies, and Dongho quirks a brow.

"That... doesn't seem like him."

Dongho privately doubts Daehyun's scared of _anyone_ \- except maybe their dance instructor - but _certainly_ not Jaewon, who looks like he'd hold a funeral for a fly he killed and then cry about it later.

It's an odd look on him, really. It's at odds with his public persona in a shockingly obvious way, and Dongho may not be able to perfectly figure out his dongsaeng, but it feels like he's finding more and more pieces to the puzzle.

Oh, the joys of forced bonding.

He trusts Jaewon to keep himself safe - but more than that, he trusts Jaewon to keep _Daehyun_ safe, since Daehyun seems to think Jaewon is a small puppy who needs to be protected at all costs. It's... not an incorrect assumption, but-

but.

He's not _quite_ naive enough to forget the way Jaewon looked on that stage, either - determination blazing in his eyes, a _promise_ laced in his every movement, and a desire to _protect_ evident above all else - and not naive enough to think his dongsaeng is harmless. 

"Where's Minsoo-hyung?" Jaewon asks, and Dongho bites his lower lip, gaze straying once again to the road.

"...I don't know."

"Maybe he ran into Daehyun?" Jaewon posits, something like hope in his eyes. "I remember Dae-yah was still cooking when I... left, so maybe he's helping?"

"...if Daehyun and Minsoo are trying to cook, someone's going to..."

Dongho trails off, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Never mind."

"Are you okay, hyung?"

Jaewon's staring at him with those scrutinizing eyes, staring into his _soul_ , and Dongho-

doesn't quite know how to respond to that.

Instead, he flips his hand over, palm facing the earth, and calls a bit of dirt to his hand.

It swirls up from the ground like a tornado, and he can hear Jaewon's small "oh" as it continues, an endless loop. The dirt brushes his hand, falls, swirls up once more-

it's almost dizzying.

Scratch that- Dongho's just dizzy.

"How long has it been since you ate something, hyung?" Jaewon asks, and Dongho actually has to think about that.

Around a day, probably.

The silence is telling enough, and Jaewon grins, reaching out to grasp his wrist. The rest of the dirt tumbles to the ground, left forgotten, and Dongho stares at it, unsure of how, exactly, he's supposed to feel.

"Let's go get breakfast, hyung."

And, well-

Dongho can't ignore Jaewon when he smiles like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO DAEHYUN
> 
> someone pointed out it is not in fact the 27th and i am just a clown so thanks to them
> 
> it is a small miracle that this chapter did not end up titled "i just wanna make you groove"
> 
> curse you obsession you came out a year ago and i'm still listening to you
> 
> (on an unrelated note... the second song from that album may make an appearance)
> 
> this chapter... was so hard to write


	8. can i see the day i'll be fine without you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *actually* happy birthday to dae!!!

"...you two are being weird."

Daehyun gestures between Minsoo and Dongho with his chopsticks, brow furrowed in concentration. "Did you two have sex?"

Jaewon fucking _chokes_.

"Wha- Dae- I- _what_?" Minsoo flails, and Daehyun reaches over to slap Jaewon's back. 

"There's this awkward _tension_ ," Daehyun elaborates, and Minsoo slams his head into the table. "I wasn't sure if it was because-"

"No," Dongho simply replies, and Daehyun shakes his head. 

"But- but- there's this _tension_ -"

" _Why would we be having sex_?" Minsoo all but shrieks. " _Where did that even come from_?"

"There's _tension_!" Daehyun repeats, and Minsoo screams into the table.

"I can do a lot better than Minsoo," Dongho states, and Daehyun nods.

"Yeah, we all can."

"Wha- _what does that mean_?"

Minsoo jumps to his feet, indignation evident. "I am a _catch_! A _snack_! A-"

"-idiot," Dongho supplies, taking a bite of his pasta. "Was that what you meant?"

"Wha- you- _why is everyone attacking me_?"

"I'm not attacking you," Daehyun gleefully states. "Not yet, anyways."

" _Not yet_?"

Jaewon freezes as Minsoo drapes himself over his back, the leader's chin resting on his shoulder. "Jaewonnie-yah, you're my only friend."

"Between the two of you, you might be able to reach my head," Dongho muses, taking a sip of his tea.

The mood in the room turns absolutely _frigid_ at that, and Jaewon slowly turns, only to see an expression of pure _fury_ in Minsoo's eyes.

"I'll show you who's short!"

Minsoo _jumps over the table_ and launches himself into Dongho's chest, apparently hoping to knock the eldest to the floor. The effort fails, and Dongho doesn't budge an inch, though Minsoo immediately climbs off, cradling his nose and shooting betrayed glares at everyone present out of the corner of his eye.

Dongho for using his abilities, Jaewon supposes, and Daehyun for filming.

"Jaewon is my only friend," Minsoo repeats, voice nasal as he swipes blood off his chin. "My _only friend_."

"Oh no," Dongho drawls, expression blank. "Don't rescind your friendship. Such a tragedy. How will I ever survive."

" _Who taught you sarcasm_?"

"Ah, hyung," Jaewon tries, tapping Minsoo's shoulder. "Your nose..."

"I know," Minsoo replies, grabbing a napkin from the table and pressing it to his face. "We need to plan, though."

"Plan for what?"

"How we're going to kill those guys."

The mood around the table _plummets_ at that statement.

Dongho's eyes go sharp, cold, flint-like, and though Jaewon's no expert at reading his eldest hyung, he can tell Dongho's feeling _something_ very intensely.

Minsoo, on the other hand, looks all business - hands folded on the table, lips pursed in a frown, gaze sharp. His expression is unreadable, though in a different way than Dongho - Jaewon can't tell if he's feeling nothing, everything, or somewhere in between.

Daehyun, in contrast to both of them, looks... 

concerned.

"Are we really..."

He swallows, ducks his head. "Are we really gonna kill someone?"

"Do we have any other choice?"

 _No_ , Jaewon supposes, _they really don't_ , but the prospect of _killing someone_ -

even if it's someone inhuman...

that doesn't sit right with him.

"It has to be me and Jaewon-ah," Dongho states, and Jaewon's blood runs cold at that. "I don't feel comfortable getting you two involved-"

" _We're already involved_!"

Minsoo slams his fist on the table, something sparking in his eyes. "They killed _my family too_ , Kang Dongho. I don't- I don't _care_ if I can't set things on fire, and I don't _care_ if I can't make a giant hole in the ground to stop people from chasing us. This is _our fight too_."

"...yeah."

Daehyun grips his glass, something dark burning in his eyes. "This is our fight, too. And they- they deserve to die. Right?"

"Yeah," Minsoo replies, voice rough. "They do."

"Shouldn't we try and reverse this?" Jaewon tries, and Minsoo nods.

"If we can, yeah, but shouldn't killing them reverse it?"

"Isn't..."

Jaewon's gaze falls to his hands, and his next words are little more than a whisper. "Isn't there a way we can solve this without anyone getting hurt?"

And _oh_ , Dongho thinks, _isn't it ironic that the only one who can fight is the one who despises it most?_

(or so he assumes. he reads people based off experience, and with jaewon, he's flying blind.)

"I don't want to, hyung," Daehyun murmurs, "but I don't think there's any other choice."

Jaewon's expression doesn't change, but he nods, quick and short. "If... if there's no other way."

* * *

_"What is the hold-up, Nisitus?"_

"My apologies, my lord," Nisi murmurs, dropping into a low bow. "It seems this planet has two manifests."

_"Hm. Only two?"_

"As far as we know," Nisi clarifies, and the creature on-screen wrinkles his nose. 

In another world, he could've been called beautiful. Flowing black hair, dark cat eyes, a sloping nose and plush lips, painted nails on slender fingers - he looks every bit the perfect nobleman.

It's a shame he's a warrior.

_"Any others?"_

"Two non-manifests," Celi reports, and the creature scowls.

_"Why are they not dead, Nisitus?"_

"I apologize, my lord Erasmophon."

_"Apologies mean nothing without action. I want them dead."_

"Yes, my lord."

_"Do not fail me. You know the penalties for failure."_

Nisi swallows, trying to keep his fear from showing. "Yes, my lord."

_"Good. Do not report until you have progress to tell me."_

Nisi nods, and Erasmophon dips his head, slow and elegant.

_"If that will be all?"_

"Yes, my lord."

Nisi reaches up and flicks off the device, head falling into his shaking hands. "...what're we going to do, Celios?"

"We're going to kill them," Celi replies, voice measured and even. "And we're going to be okay."

Nisi exhales, raising his head to meet Celi's gaze. "...right. They're- they're at that building, right? Outside town?"

"Yeah."

"Three days," Nisi states, tucking his hair behind his ear. "Three- three days, and if we can't kill them before that, we'll go to their building."

He can't erase the image of dark fox eyes from his mind, nor can he erase the way the tallest held the smallest - as though he was someone _special_ \- and his heart twinges as his gaze flits to Celi, taking in the thick lashes and shaped eyebrows he's come to know over the last thirty missions.

He doesn't want to see him dead.

"I'll kill them," Nisi promises, and Celi nods, though it seems like he doesn't really believe it.

* * *

Jaewon's been tasked with cleaning up - Minsoo off to form a plan, Dongho off to take inventory, and Daehyun off doing... something - when he hears the distant sound of a guitar, and he pauses in his washing, water cascading over his hands as he tilts his head.

"I don't need you anymore... tell me, what was it all for?"

A grin slips onto his lips at the sound, and he listens as Daehyun toys with a few chords, occasionally singing a line aloud to make sure the feeling is correct.

It's an acoustic arrangement, of sorts.

Now, Jaewon's not much of a singer - it was made _abundantly_ clear to him that he's in the group to be a pretty face - but he knows talent when he hears it, and Daehyun is _talented_.

"You're engraved in me like a tattoo... tell me, why can't I erase you?"

He sings along to the familiar words as he scrubs at a particularly tough spot on the dishes - a duet for one, in a way, since Daehyun can't hear him.

That's probably for the best.

"As my memories come to me, my heart is fading away..."

Daehyun's voice is far more gentle than his - soothing water to his ragged flames - and he falls silent after the first line, instead opting to listen to the roar of the sink mixed with the soft words of his groupmate.

"Someone save me from reality... looking for a real life fantasy..."

There's a moment where the music stops, and Jaewon wheels, only to catch sight of Daehyun picking up his guitar and case.

Oh. He's heading back to the room.

At least, that's what Jaewon hoped.

Instead of that, Daehyun turns, heading for the kitchen, and the elder pales, sweat beading on his forehead.

Caught.

The door swings open with a squeal, and Jaewon tries for a smile, turning to face Daehyun. After all, maybe the youngest didn't hear him singing.

"What's going on?"

"You were singing along."

Shit.

"Ah, was I annoying you?" Jaewon asks, turning his attention back to the dishes. "Sorry-"

"No-no-no! I liked it!"

Jaewon turns to stare at him, and Daehyun grins, holding up his guitar. "I came in because I wanted to hear you sing better."

"O-Oh..."

How does he respond to that?

"So, whaddya say?"

Daehyun's grin is infectious, Jaewon finds, and he can't help but smile in return. He hides it behind his hand, and Daehyun gives him a knowing look, but starts to strum nonetheless.

Soon enough, the sound of a guitar fills the air, and Daehyun's voice joins it, interweaving in a gentle dance.

"Can I find a way? You got over it so quickly, doesn't that mean I can too?"

Jaewon sings along where he can, and it's a song made sad by the simple instrumental, a song of longing instead of jagged pain.

(oddly fitting, that.)

"Can I see the day? The day that I'll be fine without you?"

For a moment, Jaewon's reminded of coffee, of swirling tattoos and sharp eyes, and he swallows, letting himself be drawn in by the soft melody of Daehyun's voice. 

The youngest sucks in a shuddering breath, eyes fluttering shut, before they reopen, glassy and _sad_. His hands still on the frets, and he exhales, pain flashing in his eyes.

And Jaewon-

"Just save me before it's too late," he sings, picking up the next verse. "Will the sorrow last?"

Daehyun stares at him for a moment before he picks up on the not-so-subtle hint, fingers scrambling across the frets to follow along. 

"I wish I could dream forever," the youngest murmurs, and Jaewon sings a little louder in unspoken encouragement. "I want to go away with my imagination..."

Daehyun's voice soars for the next few lines, imbuing them with all the grief he's been holding for the last two days. "Are you wrong? Can you tell me? I'm not going to leave..."

"I feel so good," Jaewon picks up, and Daehyun nods. "Reality's so boring... can I, can I just rewind over and over again?"

What would he give to change this?

(a part of him fears the answer might be nothing. that at least some of this was worth it if it led to him sitting here, next to daehyun.

another part of him misses jun something fierce, and-

daehyun isn't jun.)

"As my memories come to me, my heart is fading away. Someone save me from reality, looking for a real-life fantasy..."

And yet-

isn't this what that is?

A real-life fantasy?

Ironically, yes, Jaewon bitterly muses. This whole scenario - his magic, Dongho's magic, sitting here with Daehyun - all beautiful fantasies. 

(unrealistic, in so many ways.)

"What're you thinking about?" Daehyun asks, and Jaewon blinks, head jerking up and wide-eyed gaze meeting his bandmate's. 

"Ah, just... how fitting the song is."

"I know, right?" Daehyun laughs, lips curling into a bright grin. "How does that even happen?"

"Also, about... how nice your voice is."

Daehyun blinks at him, momentarily stunned, then grins, reaching over to ruffle Jaewon's hair. "Your voice is pretty too, hyung! Pretty voice, pretty face, pretty heart!"

"How do you say things like that without blushing?" Jaewon mumbles, and Daehyun's grin morphs into a smirk. 

"I don't get embarrassed when I say the truth, Jaewonnie-hyung."

Daehyun pauses for a moment, pressing a finger to his lips, before he snaps, eyes lighting up. "Ah! A nickname! I need a nickname!"

"What?"

"Well," Daehyun states, as though this is something he's been thinking about (and knowing him, it probably is), "I can call Minsoo-hyung Soo-Soo-hyung, and I can call Dongho-hyung Minnie-hyung-"

"He lets you call him that?"

"You can call him anything if you run fast enough," Daehyun grins. "But! I know my nickname for you!"

"What?"

"Wy-hyung!"

"Wy?" Jaewon tries, and Daehyun scowls, evidently irritated.

"No, no, that's not good either... _ah_ , why are you so hard to nickname?"

"It can't be as bad as Anchovy, right?"

"Of course!" Daehyun enthuses, leaning forwards to grab Jaewon's hands. "Shark-hyung!"

"I- what?"

"You like sharks," Daehyun states, as though it's that simple. "Shark-hyung! We can be ocean friends!"

"Ocean friends?"

"Ocean friends," Daehyun affirms, squeezing Jaewon's hands gently. "We're the pretty ones!"

Jaewon stares at him for a moment - unsure of what exactly to do with this - and then, quieter, "we're friends?"

Daehyun's expression turns _painfully_ sad for a moment, and he tries for a smile, though it falls flat. "Of course, hyungie. I only cook with friends, y'know?"

"...I'm sorry for scaring you, Dae-yah."

"Nah, that was on me," Daehyun grins. "I don't know why I thought you could evaporate- you can't right?"

"No."

"Yeah! I don't know why I thought that!"

"Anything's possible," Jaewon shrugs, and Daehyun's grin widens.

"Yeah! But- please don't evaporate. I don't want you to float away!"

Honestly, Jaewon thinks he might float away just out of happiness.

"I'll try," he murmurs, a soft smile slipping onto his lips.

And Daehyun-

"How is that fair?" Daehyun wonders, leaning in to stare at him.

"A-Ah- what?"

"You even have a pretty smile," Daehyun states, and Jaewon flushes pink. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, upon seeing that sa1nt is canon:
> 
> "KAYIIIIIIIIIIIIII"
> 
> no promises
> 
> also ocean friends best pair
> 
> **considering making this shippy, would everyone be okay with that? or should i keep it platonic? please please please let me know.**
> 
> translyrics from:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4GdwvdKyQU
> 
> stream find a way


	9. because there are some people i want to protect

Jaewon stares at the clothes in his hands, and, not for the first time, wonders why everything in here is either oversized, black, or oversized and black.

Dongho's, maybe? The eldest and youngest tend to swap clothes on occasion (despite having polar opposite fashion senses - jaewon privately thinks daehyun's doing it on purpose) so it makes sense some would end up in their shared closet, but that doesn't explain where all of _his_ clothes went.

He can generally tell who which piece of fabric belongs to by its scent - sweat is Minsoo, laundry is Daehyun, perfume is Dongho - and he presses the fabric of a pink hoodie to his nose, inhaling the scent.

"Jaewon-ah?"

He yelps, spinning around, only to be met with Minsoo.

Minsoo wearing his clothes.

More aptly, Minsoo wearing one of _his_ hoodies and a pair of _his_ shorts.

"You have my hoodie!" Minsoo beams, darting forwards to snatch the fabric from Jaewon's grasp. "Ah, hoodie, I missed you! Are you okay? What did Daehyun-ah do to you?"

"Is that my hoodie?"

"Daehyun swapped our bags, I think," Minsoo states, before his gaze flits over Jaewon's body. "You're wearing my shirt and shorts, so it's even."

Wow.

Jaewon did not notice that.

"That explains why the hoodie was a little small," Jaewon notes, and Minsoo bristles.

"Five! Centimeters! Only five!"

He pushes the sleeves up past his elbows, and Jaewon winces - he likes his hoodies a little big, so Minsoo must be drowning in them-

"Your shoulders are too damn broad," Minsoo mutters, flopping on Jaewon's bed. "The sleeves kept flopping over my hands, but I just thought it was one of Dongho-hyung's hoodies again."

"He lets you borrow his hoodies?"

"Oh, he's a big softie," Minsoo hums. "He says he hates hoodies, so they're free real estate."

"Really?"

"He'll let you have one, if you ask."

"A-Ah..."

Somehow, Jaewon doubts that.

"Are you scared of him?" 

Minsoo grins, rolling over to peer up at Jaewon with wide eyes. "Y'know he's afraid of heights, right?"

"Wha..."

Somehow, Jaewon can't see Dongho as someone who's afraid of heights.

"Doesn't he live in an apartment?"

"Yeah," Minsoo shrugs. "He's weird. All about that 'face-your-fear' thing for _heights_ , which is _way_ dumber than being underground-"

"You're afraid of being underground?"

"Not _afraid_ ," Minsoo edges, though he seems visibly uncomfortable. "More... intensely dislike."

"Ah," Jaewon simply replies, fidgeting with the hem of his shorts.

Minsoo stares at him for a moment before extending his arms, the pink hoodie clutched in his grasp. "Do you wanna wear it?"

"I-"

"C'mon," Minsoo grins, rolling to a seated position. "I'm wearing yours, so you have to wear mine!"

"I don't-"

"You owe me," Minsoo huffs, lips pursing into a pout. "I thought you wouldn't attack me for my height, but you _did_ , so now you have to wear my hoodie."

"I..."

Jaewon sees point A, and he sees point B, but he has no idea where the connector is.

"Wear it," Minsoo repeats, and Jaewon wordlessly pulls the hoodie over his head.

it smells less like sweat and more like deodorant and mint - especially mint.

It's nice.

"Mintsoo," Jaewon murmurs, and Minsoo stares at him, bewildered.

"Eh?"

"A-Ah, it's nothing-"

"Did you say Mintsoo?"

Minsoo grins, bright and impish, and he leans forwards, delight dancing in his eyes. "I like that! Mintsoo! I mean, it's a lot better than Dongho-hyung's nickname."

"What's-"

"Shorty."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

Minsoo claps, pulling the hood of Jaewon's jacket over his head. "You can call me Mint-hyung!"

"I don't-"

"Jaewon-ah," and _there's_ the hint of the serious leader Jaewon only sees in times of dire conflict (though he's seeing it more often than the playful minsoo lately) though it's being misused. "You can call me whatever you want."

"Th-That's a lot of power-"

"But I trust you."

There's no hesitation to those words, and Jaewon blinks at him, bewildered.

"You don't... you don't think I'm... dangerous? Or weird, or untalented, or a-"

"No," Minsoo firmly replies. "Why would I?"

"I-"

"You're Ahn Jaewon," the leader states. "You're a really great singer and rapper, and your visuals are absolutely stunning. You're kind, considerate, and someone I really wanna get to know better, if you're okay with that?"

His voice clips up into a question at the end, and Jaewon's around ninety percent sure he's gawping, but he's forgotten how to close his mouth.

"And _besides_ ," Minsoo continues, "when they told me I was gonna be the leader, I decided I wanted to check in with everyone at least once a week, and I haven't been doing that, so! Check ins!"

"Check ins," Jaewon helplessly echoes, and Minsoo nods.

"Check in."

He flops back onto the bed, patting the duvet next to him. "Come check in with me, Jaewon."

"Is- is this a euphemism for something?"

"What?" Minsoo asks, forehead crinkling in a frown. "I mean, I was hoping to octopus someone near my size, but that's it."

" _Octopus_?"

"Yeah!" Minsoo enthuses, clapping his hands together. "Octopus! It's when you glomp someone with all four limbs, a-and you cuddle them very aggressively, but Daehyun's too much of an anchovy to do it, and Dongho-hyung would probably punch me, s-so you seem like the perfect candidate!"

His hands pause in their frenzied gesturing, and he seems to consciously will them to his sides, a lopsided grin on his lips. "Did you get that?"

"Um-"

"A lot of people just say I'm really scatterbrained," Minsoo adds, words tumbling over his lips, "like I have my head in the clouds or something, a-and I wanted to make sure you actually got what I was trying to say, 'cause sometimes people miss what I'm trying to say and then I feel bad, but did you get it?"

Jaewon opens his mouth, then shuts it. 

Minsoo is... looking like he wants to vibrate through the floor. 

"That made no sense," the elder decides, raking a hand through his hair. "Sorry, it's just like... y'know when you're trying to do a splits but can't but you can't stand up either so your legs just keep getting pulled further and further apart, a-and all you can focus on is not tearing a muscle?"

That's... an oddly specific example, but Jaewon gets the gist.

"That's my brain right now," Minsoo finishes, rolling over to mash his face into the pillow. "Just gimme a minute."

Jaewon reaches out, but hesitates, hand hovering inches from Minsoo's back. 

(he's always reacting - never initiating. allowing them to break into his bubble, instead of pushing out of it himself.)

Before he can stop himself, he places his hand between Minsoo's shoulder-blades, and the elder relaxes into the sheets before grabbing a pillow and mashing his face into it.

"You okay?"

Minsoo nods, digging his nails into the fabric of the pillowcase. "I'm good."

His voice is muffled by the cloth, but Jaewon's pretty sure that he's upset.

And, well-

He's not sure if Minsoo's a tactile person or not, but it seems like that might be the case.

"Do you... want a hug?"

Minsoo nods, a quick, jerky motion, and Jaewon settles down on the bed next to him, gingerly wrapping an arm around the elder's back. Minsoo rolls over, blinking red-rimmed eyes at Jaewon, and he reaches out to wrap his arms around Jaewon's back, sliding closer to bury his face in his chest. 

To his horror, Jaewon feels tears stinging the corners of his eyes, and he buries his face in Minsoo's hair, inhaling the smell of his shampoo. 

It's just... nice.

Hugging people is nice.

"I'm sorry," Jaewon sniffs, reaching up to rub his eyes. "I'm sorry, Mint-hyung-"

"I won't tell if you won't," Minsoo mumbles, and Jaewon nods, arm falling back around Minsoo. "...you're so warm, Jaewon-ah."

"Eh?"

"Maybe it's the whole fire thing, but you're just... really warm. Like a nice blanket."

"A _blanket_?"

Minsoo nods, mirth glinting in his gaze. "A blanket."

The leader slides back and bumps their foreheads together, a bright grin on his face. "What d'ya wanna talk about?"

"Um-"

"If you had to be locked in a room with either Dongho-hyung or a murderer intent on tearing you limb from limb, which would you choose?"

Jaewon blinks at him, bewildered. "Probably Dongho-hyung?"

"Trick question!" Minsoo crows, a laugh spilling over his lips. "They're the same thing."

"Wha-"

"Next question!"

Minsoo stares at him, gaze scrutinizing, and Jaewon has to fight to avoid withering under it. "Do you wanna be friends?"

"Um-"

How does he respond to that?

"Yes," he honestly replies, and Minsoo grins, hand snaking into the minuscule space between them. 

"Pinky promise?"

And of _course_ this is how Minsoo would seal promises - gestures speak louder than words for the leader, and this is a prime example.

Jaewon reaches up to interlock their pinkies, and Minsoo's grin widens, gripping Jaewon's pinky as tight as he can. "That's a promise, Jaewonnie-yah. Friends."

"Friends," Jaewon echoes, a soft smile creeping onto his lips. "Yeah. Friends."

* * *

_"So. What's with the outfit?"_

_Jun's gaze flits over Jaewon's outfit, and Jaewon freezes, lips curling into a self-deprecating grin. "Um-"_

_"If you're going to say 'I thought it suited me' again, I can tell you it doesn't."_

_"A-Ah-"_

_Caught._

_"Why do you keep coming here?" Jun asks, placing a cup on the table. "Don't you have other friends to bother?"_

_Jaewon flinches at that word - bother - and before he can second-guess it, he's shaking his head._

_Is he bothering Jun?_

_"You have that look on your face," Jun notes, and he seems oddly uncomfortable - or, well, as uncomfortable as he ever gets. "You really don't have any other friends?"_

_"He doesn't have other friends?" Nari gasps, and Jaewon shrinks in his seat._

_"Leave him alone, you old hag."_

_"Wha- rude! Fine! I'll go man the register, since you're not doing what I paid you to do!"_

_"Great. Maybe you'll actually work for once."_

_"Yah!"_

_Jun still seems a bit uncomfortable, but he slides a croissant across the table nonetheless. "You're still too skinny, Jaewon-ah. Someone needs to make sure you eat."_

_"I-I eat!"_

_Jaewon sweats under Jun's scrutinizing gaze, and the barista quirks a brow._

_"You sure about that?"_

_Jun stares at him until Jaewon picks up the croissant and takes a bite, a hint of relief sinking into his eyes as the red-haired man swallows._

_"You really don't have any friends?"_

_"I have friends," Jaewon replies - a bit too quickly - and Jun stares at him. "I have you!"_

_Jun shakes his head, though he seems... oddly happy? He really only has three facial expressions, so Jaewon can't tell. "You need more friends, Jaewon-ah. Do you have any co-workers?"_

_"They... we don't talk."_

_"Then you talk to them."_

_Jun takes a sip from his own cup, expression severe. "You can't always wait for things to happen. You have to make them yourself."_

_"..."_

_"Besides," and his expression seems a little warmer, now, "anyone who doesn't want you as their friend is a terrible judge of character."_

_"What?" Nari crows, sliding over to stand by the table. "Did I just hear Jun? Compliment someone? Without being forced to? Christ, Jaewonnie-yah, how much power do you have?"_

_"Go man the register, you old hag."_

_"I'm your boss!"_

_"Yeah. So?"_

_"Just because I like you," Nari snaps, pointing in Jaewon's direction. And then, as she passes by-_

_"If you drag him into a scandal, I will find you. And I will kill you."_

_Jaewon feels his blood run cold, and his gaze flits to Jun, who looks... more apologetic than anything else._

_"She's got the whole 'Knight Templar' thing going on," Jun remarks, propping his chin on his hand. "Don't worry about her."_

_"You-"_

_The words stick in Jaewon's throat, but Jun seems to understand._

_"Does it matter?"_

_He takes another sip of his coffee, something distant in his eyes. "We all have our secrets."_

* * *

Jaewon manages to extract himself from Minsoo's grasp, gaze landing on the leader's face as he drapes a jacket over his chest. 

He looks... peaceful. There's no hint of the stress that seems to weigh on his shoulders, no hint of the boiling rage festering in his eyes.

Just... peace.

He reaches out to run his fingers through some of the silver hair splayed over the pillow, and it's a bit greasy, but still as soft as ever.

(as ever meaning the last time he touched it, which was... months ago, probably.)

In this light, he looks even smaller than normal, fragile in a way he never quite is when he's awake. 

It's refreshing.

(jaewon thinks about that for a moment, and decides that these moments - moments spent singing along to daehyun's guitar, moments spent linking pinkies with minsoo - are moments he wants to protect.)

He slides out the door, pulling it shut with a soft click before he knocks on Dongho's door. There's a moment where he can hear rustling - Dongho must be working before dinner - but the door eventually swings open, revealing a clearly-stressed Dongho. 

"Jaewon-ah?" Dongho asks, leaning against the doorframe. "What's going on?"

Jaewon thinks about it for a moment longer - Daehyun's smile, Minsoo's laugh - and steels himself, one hand finding the lighter in his back pocket.

"I want to protect them," he states, and Dongho's eyes widen. "No matter what it takes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minsoo steals all of dongho’s clothes + jun returns!!!! 
> 
> if he ever meets mayhem in this au... hands thrown
> 
> (also why does every single jaewon/jun scene i write come out as jaejun I DO NOT MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN)
> 
> pls lemme know abt typos <3


	10. would we have dragged this on this long if we didn't have feelings for each other?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka: the chapter where ships start happening

_"Murderers!"_

_"Freaks!"_

_"Monsters!"_

_Dongho catches sight of Minsoo's arm around Daehyun's waist, lips pursed in a thin line and gaze fixed on the horizon. Jaewon stands to their left, shoulders squared and the only thing belying his nervousness the faint tremble to his smile, and Dongho-_

_Dongho watches._

_A tomato arcs through the air and slams into Minsoo's head, splattering juice all over his hair, but the leader doesn't acknowledge it._

_These people don't know shit._

_They don't know what it's like to spend night after night scrubbing your hands, don't know what it's like to wake up screaming because your best friends are dead-_

_and the world shifts._

_Dongho and Jaewon stand in front of the CEO alone, heads bowed as the older man rages._

_"Dead!" he roars, sweeping his arm across the desk. "You let them die?"_

_That suggestion-_

_that rankles._

_"I'm sorry," and it's Jaewon's voice, a hint of tears in his murmur. "I'm sorry-"_

_"You two will keep promoting as a two member group, then," the CEO snaps, and Dongho stuffs his anger down with his grief, labeling it "Things Kang Dongho Will Not Address". "Do I make myself clear?"_

_"Yes, sir."_

_The scene shifts once more, and it's Minsoo and Daehyun, Dongho a silent observer._

_"You're an idiot," Daehyun chastises, and Minsoo grins, only for it to crack into a wince when Daehyun prods his arm._

_"Ah-ah-ah- Dae-"_

_"You're an idiot," Daehyun repeats, pushing a lock of Minsoo's hair behind his ear. "God, you're so dumb."_

_"You say that every time," Minsoo quips, and Daehyun rolls his eyes._

_"I say that because it's true."_

_"Maybe it's just true because you say it."_

_Daehyun rolls his eyes for a second time, pulling out gauze and medical tape. "The stylist-noonas are gonna kill you."_

_"Dongho-hyung has first dibs, I think," Minsoo grins, and a soft smile slips onto Daehyun's face._

_"Yeah, probably."_

_Minsoo swings his legs through the air, and Daehyun side-steps one, uncapping a tube of antiseptic. "Hey! Don't kick me!"_

_"Well, I can't fidget," Minsoo huffs, and Daehyun sighs, hopping up on the counter to get a better angle on Minsoo's forehead. "Yah! Who gave you the right to be taller than me!"_

_"You like it," Daehyun teases, and Minsoo kicks his shin._

_The youngest works in silence for a moment, bandaging the scratch on Minsoo's forehead with practiced movements, before the leader sighs, leaning into Daehyun's touch._

_"...I miss the others."_

_"I know," Daehyun murmurs, running his fingers through Minsoo's greasy hair. "I miss them, too."_

_Minsoo sneezes, and Daehyun sighs, leaning back to assess his outfit. "Honestly, Soo-hyung, your outfit is too light."_

_"It's a flannel and jeans!" Minsoo protests, and Daehyun waves a hand._

_"If you're sneezing, then it's not warm enough."_

_"It's not warm enough because the power's out."_

_"So you don't wanna cuddle with me?"_

_"...I never said that."_

_Daehyun giggles, and Minsoo pouts, head resting on his shoulder. "So mean."_

_Daehyun presses a soft kiss to Minsoo's temple, running his fingers through the leader's greasy hair. "Yeah, but you love me."_

_"For reasons unknown."_

_"Wha- now who's the mean one?"_

_"Still you."_

_Minsoo pouts once more, and Daehyun bumps their foreheads together, placing a chaste kiss on his lips. "...I'm not going anywhere, hyung."_

_Minsoo grins - that genuine kind of grin that makes his eyes crinkle up and looks like the sun is shining - and he reaches up to thread his fingers through Daehyun's hair, tangling them in the blond waves. "I know."_

* * *

Dongho stares at Jaewon, the distant fog of his dream still rattling in his head - his subconscious manages to drag up strange things, even if he can't remember what those things are most of the time - as he tries to work the younger man's words through his head.

"...wha'?"

Eloquent response, Dongho. Truly. 10/10. Flawless.

"I want to protect them," Jaewon repeats, and _oh_ , there's the fire in his eyes, so similar to the one Dongho sees in the mirror that it _hurts_.

(he idly wonder if jaewon knows he falls under dongho's umbrella of protection, then dismisses it.)

"...okay."

Dongho steps back, gesturing for Jaewon to enter the room. But-

"Where's Minsoo-yah?"

"Ah," Jaewon winces, "he was sleeping when I left."

"And you still came here?"

A sleeping Minsoo is a force of nature, in honesty. He's adorable when he's awake - like a particularly tiny and angry hedgehog - but when he's asleep, it's like... a sleeping hedgehog.

Jaewon truly is the strongest out of all of them.

"S-Should I not have?"

"No, no, it's fine," Dongho assures him, pulling out a chair. "I was just... surprised."

God only knows how many times he's woken up with Minsoo lying on top of him, silver hair strewn over his chest and looking absolutely ethereal in sleep.

(this too is filed under Things Kang Dongho Will Not Address)

"I have a plan," he edges, and Jaewon nods, taking a seat across from him. "But... we only have one shot at it."

"What is it?"

"Sleeping pills."

Dongho produces a bottle, placing it on the table. "We can knock them out for a few hours so they won't follow us, and take out the four aliens before they wake up."

That's...

"A-Are you sure?"

Privately, Jaewon doubts that's even _possible_.

"We're going to have to work a lot on our abilities, but probably," Dongho hums, raking a hand through his hair. "Three days from now? In the morning?"

Jaewon gulps, doing a bit of mental math before nodding. "Um... sure?"

"Great."

Dongho extends a hand, and Jaewon takes it, a small yelp escaping his lips when Dongho pulls him to his feet. "Hyung-"

"We're going to go practice."

* * *

Daehyun wasn't exactly expecting his dinner preparations to be ruined by a blackout, but he can't say he's surprised.

The lights flicker off, and he yelps, gaze flitting to the stove.

No power to that, either.

Lovely.

He stares at the stove, glad that the burners, at least, are working, and he leans forwards, head thunking against the cabinets.

Goddammit.

Without the omnipresent whirring of machinery, he can hear the small things - Dongho and Jaewon doing _something_ in the yard, the bubbling of the water, the occasional creaks of an old building settling - and _that's_ nice, but his phone also seems to go through battery power like a junkie might go through bags of weed, and _wow_ , that's a dismal comparison.

For someone who's supposed to be so non-electricity reliant, Daehyun sure does miss it.

And it's only been ten seconds.

He feels horrible for whoever's going to have to explain this whole shitshow to Minsoo - and that person is _not_ going to be him, not if he has any say in it - since their leader probably wouldn't last a day without electronics.

Hm. He'll have to socialize.

Oh, dear.

"Hyunnie," someone mumbles, and Daehyun feels arms wrap around his waist. "Wha' happened t' the power?"

"The grid shut off, I think," Daehyun replies, and Minsoo sighs, burying his face in Daehyun's back.

 _Wow_ , he's out of it.

"You okay, hyung?"

"Feeling..."

Minsoo sighs, a hint of irritation in the sound. "Feeling floaty."

Ah.

So _that's_ what it is.

"Wanna help me cook?"

Were this a normal day, he'd drag Minsoo to the practice room - try and sync up his mind with his body - but this _isn't_ , and he has no idea what the fuck to do.

Minsoo nods, still seeming dazed, and Daehyun pulls him to his side, placing some vegetables on a cutting board.

"Will you cut yourself if I give you a knife?"

Minsoo shakes his head, and Daehyun really wants to smash his own head into the cabinet. 

The _correct_ response here is "I'm not an invalid" or something of the like. The _correct_ response is "of course! Who do you think I am?" or something in that vein.

But Minsoo's brain burned itself out, and he's moving on autopilot until it reboots, so Daehyun's taking care of him.

He pats the elder's shoulder reassuringly and turns his attention back to the noodles, stirring them but keeping an eye on Minsoo. Not that he doesn't trust him, but-

no, actually, that's exactly it.

"How're you feeling?" he asks, grabbing a pan from a cabinet and setting it on the stove.

"...floaty."

"Still?"

"Sorry."

Oh.

It's like _that_.

"You don't need to apologize," Daehyun assures him, and Minsoo's nose scrunches up. "Really."

It's odd, he thinks- that Jaewon and Minsoo are so strangely similar, yet neither one seems to notice it.

He reaches over, nails scratching gently against Minsoo's scalp as he runs his fingers through the elder's hair. There's something... undeniably cute about Minsoo when he's like this, but more than that, there's something _wrong_ about it.

This- this husk of a person- this isn't Minsoo.

"Minsung," Minsoo states, an apparent non-sequitur, but Daehyun can tell what he's trying to string together.

_"I'm not as good as Minsung. I never will be."_

"You're wonderful, Soo-hyung."

"Mean."

_"I'm mean to you guys. Why do you want me around?"_

"Because you're our lovely leader-nim, Soo-hyungie. Aren't you the one who always says MAYHEM isn't MAYHEM without all four of us?"

"..."

"And _besides_."

Daehyun leans over, ruffling Minsoo's hair playfully. "I don't think you're mean at all."

What is it Dongho says? An angry hedgehog?

His gaze flits towards the window, and he can see Dongho... adjusting Jaewon's form? Either that, or absolutely _failing_ at some sort of Donghoian flirting, though he can never really tell with the eldest.

Clearly they'll be busy for a while, which is fine with him.

"Sorry," Minsoo repeats, and Daehyun knows what this one is for.

_"Sorry for being like this. Sorry for being such a burden. Sorry for not being able to handle a knife without supervision."_

"You'd do the same for me," Daehyun reassures him, and honestly?

He knows that's true.

Minsoo doesn't show it in the same way others do - Daehyun's over-the-top with skinship and affection, Jaewon takes the world on his shoulders and never asks for so much as a thank you, and Dongho just... stares - but Daehyun's certain that he cares about them.

He just... doesn't really articulate it.

That's not to say he doesn't _want_ to, he just... doesn't seem to have the words.

Minsoo's head comes to rest on Daehyun's shoulder, and the younger grins, reaching up to cup the back of Minsoo's head. "Feeling any better?"

A small shake of the head, and Daehyun sighs, pulling out a chair. "Wanna sit down?"

Minsoo plops into the chair, back tense but not quite straight, and Daehyun turns back to the food, an old song flowing over his lips. It's not one he's particularly aware of, nor is it one fitting to this situation, but he sings in hopes of garnering a response.

It worked for Jaewon, after all.

Once the first song ends, he starts on another, casting occasional glances towards Minsoo to make sure he's still present. Then another.

By the time he reaches the fourth song, Minsoo saunters over, wrapping his arms around Daehyun's waist and peering around him to stare at the pans. "What're you singing?"

Of course his question is about the song.

"I dunno," Daehyun shrugs, stirring the pot of noodles. "I don't think it's really a song."

"...sounded like one to me."

"Yeah, well, your taste isn't super great."

"Yah! I have awesome taste!"

"You're friends with _us_."

"Exactly. Amazing taste. I mean, have you seen Dongho-hyung? Half the girls in Korea would kill a man to touch his arms."

"I mean _personality-wise_."

"Jaewon-ah."

"...god, I hate it when you're right."

"Oh, same!"

Privately, Daehyun's relieved that Minsoo's more present - though it would be nicer if it didn't dissolve into bickering.

"Why is it so dark?" Minsoo asks, and Daehyun sighs.

Looks like he _is_ the poor person who has to explain it, after all.

"Grid probably failed. All the power's out."

"And this place doesn't have a generator."

It's a statement, not a question, but Daehyun nods regardless.

"I'm going to lose my login bonus!" Minsoo despairs, throwing his arms around Daehyun's neck. "How is this fair? I worked so hard to build up that streak!"

"They'll probably reset login bonuses once the world goes back to normal," Daehyun points out, and Minsoo whines, pressing his cheek against Daehyun's jacket.

"That's not the _point_ , Hyunnie-yah."

"You're not calling me Anchovy?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Forget I said anything-"

"Anchovy," Minsoo whines, and Daehyun sighs. "Anchovy, what're you making?"

"Hyung, no-"

" _Anchovy-_ "

"If I'm so skinny, then why are you still hugging me?"

"Because Dispatch isn't here to take blackmail photos."

"Pfft-"

Honestly, Minsoo does have a point. Dispatch tends to follow Jaewon religiously - and Daehyun does _not_ have plans to punch the next person he sees taking a photo of his hyung, _no way_ \- so anything they do is suspect by proxy.

Still.

"And here I thought you actually liked hugging me. Shame."

"Shut up."

This banter may not be as soft or quiet as it is when Minsoo's floating above the clouds, but that's alright with Daehyun.

The quiet is boring, anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> i gave everyone the option to refuse
> 
> then again does anyone even read these notes
> 
> probably not
> 
> why do i try? idk
> 
> to rant a little: i went back and forth on adding romance to this, and eventually decided that i would like doing it. i am so so so SO sorry to anyone who came here for platonic mayhem, there's going to be more of that coming up, and if you really enjoy it, you can check out my other series. i'm really really sorry, and i'm gonna edit the tags accordingly.
> 
> anyways
> 
> bad things are soon to come O3O
> 
> also possibly daehyun and minsoo singing replay at dongho


	11. my heart incinerated, my friends don't understand me

"You can do it, Jaewon-ah."

Strong hands adjust Jaewon's form, Dongho's breath hot on his ear as he nudges the younger man into the correct position. "Remember, you're aiming for the rock."

_His aim isn't exactly the issue,_ Jaewon muses, _but at least he's trying._

Dongho flicks on the lighter-

and the world devolves into white noise.

His world narrows into the flame, consciousness sinking into the back of his mind. He's no longer aware of what he's doing, no longer cognizant of his surroundings - his mind consumed by the gnawing flame.

"Listen to me, Jaewon-ah."

Dongho.

That's Dongho.

Dongho's here.

"You have to control it, Jaewon-ah."

Dongho's hands on his shoulders, Dongho's breath in his ear, Dongho's words painting his face red-

"I know you can."

He tamps the flame back down, visualizes his ability as a fire and puts a box on it. 

"There you go, Jaewon-ah. You're doing great."

He opens his eyes - when did he close them? - and meets Dongho's gaze, shock washing over him at the sight of _pride_ in those fox eyes.

"That's a great start," Dongho hums, and Jaewon feels... inordinately happy at that? "Now, we just have to make it so you can hold the flame."

"What- what about throwing?"

"We'll work up to that."

To Dongho's credit, he doesn't sound particularly put-out - but then again, Jaewon supposes, he's flying blind, too - so he takes a step back, gesturing for Dongho to go. 

Dongho's issue seems to be capacity and movement - he can create the quantities, as evidenced by the numerous pillars piercing the air - but he can't do it while moving, nor can he do it for long. 

Wow, they're disasters.

Someone whoops, and Jaewon turns, only to see Minsoo leaning against the wall, a bright grin on his face.

"Doing great, you guys!" he calls, jogging towards his room. "Keep it up!"

"He sounds like a personal trainer," Dongho mutters, and Jaewon snorts.

"He... he would be a terrifying personal trainer."

He can imagine it - Minsoo in a tracksuit, holding a megaphone and whistle - and he shudders, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Ah..."

"You know," Dongho muses, and Jaewon turns, eyes wide.

"Hm?"

"It might help if we fight each other."

Jaewon _chokes_.

" _What_?" he squeaks, and Dongho nods.

"It makes sense."

" _How_?"

"It can't hurt to try."

"C-Can't it, though?"

Dongho shrugs, though there's a tenseness to his frame. "I won't hurt you, Jae-yah."

"Th-That-"

"And I can stop your flames if I really need to."

Honestly-

Jaewon doesn't think he could hurt Dongho if he tried, but-

his flames have no such qualms.

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me, Jae-yah."

Jaewon sighs, screwing his eyes shut. "...okay."

"Great."

Dongho tosses his lighter across the space, and Jaewon fumbles with it, eventually managing to get a firm grip on it.

"So, how does this-"

He's hurled into the air before he can finish his sentence.

* * *

Dongho watches as Jaewon turns the toss into a flip, sneakers skidding on the side of the pillar as he tries to gain traction.

And, well-

who said it would stay there?

The earth crumbles under his feet, and Jaewon sprints for the ground, the lighter clutched in a death grip.

"Fight back!" Dongho goads, sending another pillar to knock into the rapper's back. It sends him crashing to the ground, and he groans, only to be tossed in the air a second time by a pillar materializing under him.

(for a moment, he wonders if he's going too far, then doubts it.)

He sends four pillars in Jaewon's direction, perfectly primed to crush him, and for a moment, it looks like they will.

Then Jaewon flicks on his lighter. 

Flame forms a cloud around him immediately, and he shoots a pair of fireballs in Dongho's direction, forcing the elder to dive to the side.

He loses his concentration on the pillars, and they crumble into dust, letting Jaewon fall to the earth unharmed. 

He throws up another pillar under the rapper, only to lose his concentration once more as Jaewon hurls a pair of fireballs at him and he has to sprint away, the flames crashing into the grass. 

He needs a new tactic.

Dongho summons the earth at his feet, using the ground to launch him at Jaewon- but the younger seems to have planned for this, shooting a wave of flames that forces Dongho to throw up a wall to crouch on.

The flames spew at his head, and he leaps backwards, boots skidding on the earth as his ankle twinges from the fall. He isn't given time to recover, multiple jets of flame shooting at him from either side.

The _grass_.

Dongho slams his hand against the earth, and a massive chunk of topsoil lifts itself from the ground, flipping in midair before embedding itself in the earth once more.

Jaewon growls - a sound he never thought he'd hear coming from the younger man - and shoots four more fireballs Dongho's way, each of which he dodges.

Physical restraint.

He sprints towards the fire user, and, upon seeing the narrowing of Jaewon's eyes, hurls himself into the air instants before a flame jet singes the place he was just standing. 

Jaewon barely has time to turn before earth slams into him, wrapping him in a cocoon of dirt. It's tight enough to restrict motion, but loose enough that it isn't actively crushing him. 

It stifles the flames, too.

Jaewon sags in the cocoon's grasp, and Dongho lets it slink back into the earth, falling to his knees seconds later.

God, it feels like someone just slammed him in the head with a hammer.

His ankle twinges, reminding him of his fall, and he sighs, forcing himself back to his feet. It's not as bad as he expected, but Jaewon fell a lot further than he did.

"You feeling okay?" he asks, blinking the spots from his eyes.

"Yeah," Jaewon murmurs, stumbling over to him. "You were awesome, hyung!"

"You were great too," Dongho replies, and Jaewon grins, though it's lop-sided.

"Ah, thank you..."

The younger man sways like a leaf in the wind, and that's all the warning Dongho gets before Jaewon topples into his arms, an apologetic grin on his lips. The force of it knocks Dongho over as well, and they tumble to the earth, Jaewon's head on Dongho's chest.

"Are you okay?" Jaewon frets, leaning over Dongho to brush hair from his eyes. "Are you hurt?"

"No," Dongho states, and Jaewon's eyes widen.

"You're not okay?"

"I'm not hurt," Dongho clarifies, and Jaewon heaves a relieved sigh, falling back on Dongho's chest.

"Good."

He reaches a shaking hand up to cup Jaewon's head, running his fingers through the sweaty locks. "Yeah. You did good."

A door slams open, and a voice rings through the clearing, horror evident.

"What _happened_? Where did the grass go? Why are you two lying there? Are you dead? Oh my god, hyung! They're dead!"

In response, Dongho silently flips him off.

* * *

"I was _worried_ ," Daehyun repeats for the umpteenth time. "I thought you were dead!"

"Isn't that the second time you thought Jaewon-ah died in two days?" Minsoo points out, and Daehyun nods like an overexcited bobblehead.

"He seems like he would get kidnapped by a guy in a club! He's too _nice_!"

"Get kidnapped by, or sleep with?" Dongho dryly remarks, and the mood around the table plummets.

Minsoo takes a sudden interest in his bowl, while Daehyun stabs his meat with a bit too much force.

"Aha..." Jaewon mumbles, trying for an awkward grin. "It depends. How hot are they?"

"Not as hot as Dongho," Minsoo mumbles around a mouthful of food, "so I wouldn't take it."

"Wha- I'm _way_ hotter than- you think he's hot?"

Daehyun's protests die down as he stares at the eldest, distrust warring with curiosity. "...I mean, I see it. The shoulders-"

"-the eyes-"

"-the way he's all tall, dark, and brooding-"

"Just ask me out already," Dongho mutters, and Daehyun and Minsoo squawk in tandem.

"I mean, objectively-"

"-he'd be a terrible boyfriend-"

"-he's just _objectively_ attractive-"

"-that doesn't mean I'm _into him_ -"

"You two are annoying," Dongho states, and Minsoo squawks, gesticulating wildly in the eldest's general direction.

"See! Terrible boyfriend!"

"Like you would be any better."

" _Hey_!"

"I don't know," Jaewon murmurs, voice lost amidst the chaos. "I think you'd all be nice boyfriends..."

* * *

It's pitch-black in Jaewon and Daehyun's room when they return, and Daehyun immediately heads for the shower, leaving Jaewon to try and identify his clothes by touch.

Except.

He can control fire, can't he?

He fishes out his lighter, flicking it on and letting the familiar comfort wash over him.

It's like... a warm hug on a cold day. Like seeing his bandmates' smiles, and the pride in Dongho's eyes.

He draws the flames into tiny orbs, casting them around until the entire room is illuminated in soft shades of gold.

It's really quite picturesque. Maybe Daehyun will want to take a picture.

The shower flicks off, and Daehyun exits after a moment, a towel wrapped around his waist and glasses perched haphazardly on the edge of his nose. "Hey, hyung... _wow_."

Jaewon can just barely make out the expression of shocked awe in the younger man's eyes, and he scrambles for his phone, eventually locating it on the dresser. "Do you mind?"

"Don't you... don't you wanna put on pants first?"

"Oh, yeah," Daehyun mutters, gaze flitting towards his feet. "Fuck."

He scrambles into a pair of plaid pajama pants - they must be his, since the youngest has the longest legs of any member of MAYHEM, and they brush the floor - and a hoodie that's _probably_ Dongho's before raising his phone, tongue sticking out of his mouth as he concentrates. "Look at the fire!"

Jaewon does as he's told, trying his best to relax despite the sensation of a camera being pointed at him.

(it's... not as bad, now that it's daehyun.)

"You look awesome!" Daehyun chirps, flopping down on the bed next to him. "See?"

The Jaewon on his phone screen looks... ethereal, honestly. Fire dances in his dark eyes, and the faint highlights in his hair are enunciated by the flames, making his hair seem like it too is burning.

"Ah, I wish I was as pretty as hyung," Daehyun whines, draping himself over Jaewon. "Then I'd be _perfect_."

"You're really pretty, though," Jaewon murmurs, and Daehyun sighs.

"Yeah, but not as pretty as you or Dongho-hyung or Minsoo-hyung. Dongho-hyung has the broad shoulders and nice arms, and Minsoo-hyung has a really great face, and you're just _stunning_ , and I'm all gangly and awkward and too skinny."

"Dae..."

"I mean, I'm not _ugly_ , but I'm not really anything special, either. Not like you guys."

"What do you mean?"

Jaewon leans forwards, fingertips skimming over Daehyun's cheekbones, and he smiles, the pads of his thumbs coming to rest on the younger man's cheeks. "You're absolutely gorgeous, Daehyun-ah."

Daehyun stares at him, flames dancing in his eyes, and his cheeks warm slightly from the touch of Jaewon's hands. "Ah, this hyung... you're so much prettier than I am!"

"Ah..."

Great.

Now they're _both_ blushing.

"We should sleep," Jaewon whispers, and Daehyun nods, scrambling over to his own bed. He pulls the covers over his head, peering out from his small blanket burrito, and all Jaewon can see is his face, eyes wide and glasses askew.

...cute.

Daehyun's actually, genuinely cute.

(his general cuteness is doing bad things to jaewon's heart.

logically, he's been cute since debut, but this feels _different_ , somehow. less... puppy cute, and more a type of cute that's uniquely daehyun.

jaewon's not sure how he's supposed to feel about friends, but daehyun - and minsoo and dongho - make his heart feel warm in a way he can't help but adore, and he wants to hold tight to that feeling for as long as he can.)

Originally, Jaewon was going to shower, but _that_ isn't happening now.

He releases his grip on his ability, and the lights flicker out, plunging the room into darkness.

"Good night, Jaewon-hyung," Daehyun whispers, and Jaewon nods, despite knowing Daehyun can't see him.

(he's not surprised when he wakes up the next morning with daehyun nearly smothering him, and he has neither the heart nor the ability to move him. 

drool gets all over his pillow, and daehyun probably smells like soot and sweat since jaewon never got to shower.

he knows that if he asks the younger later, he'll say it's worth it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daehyun is Cute™️ and jaewon's having the epiphany the rest of the team had a while back
> 
> he really do be wylding with those crushes on his friends huh
> 
> imagine actually handling emotions properly
> 
> can't be mayhem
> 
> please let me know about typos, i beg of you. i confused "hear" with "see" today and i feel like the entire chapter is kinda that caliber.


	12. at some point, they told me only bad things, and i don't want to hear any more

_"Hyung?"_

_Daehyun shuts the door behind him, plunging the room into darkness. "Is everything... is everything okay?"_

_"Sit down, Daehyun-ah."_

_Daehyun does as he's told, and the light flickers on, bringing him face-to-face with an irate Dongho._

_"Hyung...?" he murmurs, a coil of fear in the back of his mind. "Hyung... what's wrong?"_

_"Jaewon left."_

_Daehyun's blood runs cold._

_"He told me he didn't feel comfortable around you," Dongho states, and oh, Daehyun can see the fury burning in his eyes. "What did you do?"_

_See-_

_there's a reason Minsoo handles inter-member conflicts._

_Dongho is just... terrifying._

_"I'm sorry," Daehyun whispers, ducking his head._

_"That's not good enough."_

_And god, that hurts so much worse than Daehyun ever thought possible._

_Dongho turns on a heel and strides away, expression twisted into one of utter disdain._

_"Wait!" he cries, reaching out in hopes of grasping his bandmate's wrist-_

_and then he's standing in front of Minsoo._

_His hyung isn't smiling, isn't laughing._

_He looks furious._

_"I don't know if MAYHEM is the place for you," he states, and Daehyun can't breathe. "What can you contribute to the team, Daehyun-ah?"_

_"I-"_

_The words stick in his throat, and Minsoo grins, malicious and predatory and horrifying on so many levels._

_"Exactly."_

_"I'm sorry!" he cries, only able to watch as Minsoo strides away. "No, no, hyung, please don't go-"_

_and then it's Jaewon standing in front of him, expression blank._

_"Why would you do that, Dae-yah?"_

_"I-"_

_Jaewon grasps his arms and slams him into the wall, and even at this distance, all Daehyun can think is that he looks stunning._

_"It's not just me, is it?"_

_Jaewon - looking much more like Wyld than the boy Daehyun's come to know - grins, the sharp playboy smile from the magazine covers. "Of course it isn't."_

_"Hyung-"_

_"Do you want to know the truth, Dae-yah?"_

_The nickname comes out venomous, cruel, a weapon rather than a comfort, and Daehyun wants to cry._

_"I will never love you. Never."_

_What?_

_"I don't- it's not-"_

_"You can't lie to yourself, Dae-yah."_

_Jaewon's grin widens, and the world shifts once more, the release of his hyung's hands causing Daehyun to tumble to the ground._

_"What kind of person are you?"_

_Dongho - his oldest hyung, his friend, someone who's protected him for years - stares at him, lips curled in an expression of pure disdain. "You're disgusting."_

_"Wha-"_

_"Yeah!" Minsoo chirps, leaning into Dongho's side. "I mean, did you really think we'd like you?"_

_"Hyung..."_

_"That's cute," Jaewon grins, poking Daehyun's nose. "Unfortunately, you're not."_

_"H-Hyung-"_

_He's not going to cry._

_"Can you say anything other than that?" Jaewon yawns, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "C'mon, let's go."_

_"No- hyung! Wait! Please, wait!"_

Daehyun bolts awake with tears on his cheeks, breath coming in quick gasps.

His head whips from side to side, hand reaching up to clutch his chest.

It was just a dream.

Not real.

So why... 

why can't he stop crying?

His gaze lands on Jaewon's tiny form - curled up under blankets - and before he can second-guess himself, he crawls over, burying his face in the pillows as he clutches his hyung for dear life. 

"...nnn..." Jaewon eloquently replies, reaching up to run his fingers through Daehyun's hair. "...Dae-yah?"

The nickname makes him freeze - just for a moment - before he wraps his arms around Jaewon's neck, pressing his nose to the elder's hair.

"Lemme... blankets..." Jaewon mumbles, kicking off the blankets with his legs. 

"Oh, yeah, sure."

Daehyun drags the blankets over the both of them - and Jaewon's _warm_ , hot in all the right ways like a perfect space heater - and oh so indulging as Daehyun grips him for dear life.

"...everythin' okay?"

"Yeah, hyung," Daehyun murmurs, eyes fluttering shut. "Go back to sleep."

"...mmm... 'kay."

A small pause.

"You don't... you don't hate me, do you?"

"Wha'?"

Jaewon blinks at him, eyes half-lidded and voice raspy. "Wha' d'ya mean? 'f... 'course not."

"...not even if... if I liked you?"

Jaewon reaches up with one shaking hand, and brushes Daehyun's fringe from his face, tucking it behind his ear. "'course not. y'h...y'r cute, Hyunnie-yah."

"Hyunnie?"

"'s cute. Like you."

Ah, his _heart_.

"You're cute, too," he grins, and Jaewon squints at him.

"Yeah, bu'h... you got the pr'ty eyes."

"It's literally pitch black, hyung."

"Talk t'mrw," Jaewon mumbles, throwing an arm over Daehyun's back. "Sleep now."

Humanity is truly doomed if Jaewon ever discovers how to weaponize his cuteness, Daehyun muses. He knows he certainly is.

* * *

Daehyun wakes up to banging on the door with a vengeance.

It's not necessarily an _uncommon_ thing, but it's not entirely the norm either.

"Jaewon-ah," Dongho calls, and Daehyun blinks, propping himself up on his elbows.

Oh, _yeah_. 

He's lying _on top_ of Jaewon.

Wow, exhausted him was an idiot.

"Jae... won..."

Daehyun's head swivels, gaze landing on Dongho and Minsoo.

"Are we interrupting something?" Minsoo asks, and Daehyun seems to have forgotten what moving is.

"No!" Jaewon squeaks, face burning red. "I- Dae-yah had a nightmare!"

"I thought it was Hyunnie?"

Dongho fucking _chokes_.

(honestly, daehyun welcomes death. what happened to his filter? did it die a blissful, jaewon-filled death?

if so, he wants to join it.)

"How dare you not invite me?" Minsoo gasps, throwing himself on top of Daehyun. "If there was a slumber party, you should've at least invited the fun one!"

"You're right," Daehyun grins. "Dongho-hyung, wanna join?"

" _Yah!_ "

* * *

"Aren't you worried they're gonna... die or something?"

Minsoo shrugs, taking another sip of his coffee. "I trust Dongho-hyung."

Something pained flashes in his eyes at that, and he puts his coffee down. 

"You okay?" Daehyun asks, placing a plate in front of him.

"Yeah, just..."

Minsoo trails off, staring down into the plate. "Bad memories, 's all."

Daehyun pauses for a moment, spatula in hand, before his voice drops to a murmur. "Hyung, do you... do you have any friends?"

"Wha- why are you asking that when there's a whole Kang Dongho-hyung right out there?"

"I mean _outside_ the group."

"Like you do?"

Minsoo grins, though there's something _off_ to it. "I saw you talking with Youngjoon-ah a while back. Not all of us are as good at socializing as you!"

He leans back, taking another sip of his coffee. "Ah, it looked like a Romeo and Juliet love story..."

"Youngjoon-hyung and I are just friends!" Daehyun squeaks, and Minsoo grins.

"Then why are you so embarrassed?"

"Because I don't like him that way!"

"Is there someone you _do_ like that way?"

"I-"

Daehyun's face has turned a bright pink, and he gestures silently to Minsoo's plate. "Just- just eat your eggs!"

"Yes, eomma," Minsoo teases.

"I'm- I'll go make sure neither of them die!" Daehyun exclaims, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Um- don't break anything!"

Minsoo shoots him finger-guns as he leaves, the door slamming shut behind him as he goes.

And then-

he's alone.

He fishes his phone out of his pocket, staring at the battery - he has another day on it, if he's lucky - and before he can stop himself, he's scrolling through his contacts with determination, only stopping when his thumb lands on the number he swore never to call.

_**Hyung (DO NOT CALL!!!!)** _

He sends a small apology to his past self as he taps the contact, pressing his phone to his ear and waiting for it to ring.

He knows he won't get an answer.

This is all for the voicemail.

It rings a few times, eventually clicking over to voicemail, and he sucks in a shuddering breath as the sound of his older brother's voice rings through the speaker.

_"Hey, it's Minsung. I don't know how you got this number, or why you're calling me, but if you're anyone other than Kyunghyun or Youngjoon, don't leave a message. And... I guess, if you're Taeseok or Hyunjin, you can. Just don't leave another recording of the Bee Movie script."_

He lets his head fall into his hands as the operator cheerfully informs him of what to do, the enormity of what he's just done crashing over him.

Oh, fuck.

_Beep!_

He starts talking.

"Hey, hyung. It's Minsoo - but we live in the 21st century, and caller i.d. is a thing, so if you're actually listening to this and haven't deleted it already, thanks. It's, um, probably out of spite, but that's cool. I just..."

He exhales, gaze flitting to the trio outside. "If you get this, then that means we succeeded, one way or another. I'm probably dead, 'cause let's face it, I was always gonna wind up dying 'cause of something dumb, so I just wanted to say a few things, I guess? Um, here I go...

"I don't really hate you. Like, I _did_ , but that just... that seems so damn small right now. I'm just... I know I'm gonna die, and I hope you'll come to my funeral? Probably not. Maybe I'll go out in a blaze of glory and there won't even be a funeral. You'd probably like that."

A shuddering inhale, and he steels himself to continue.

"...I miss you, hyung. I guess that's really dumb to say, considering you stole from me and broke my heart, but I miss you. It seems so petty in the face of impending death, really, holding a grudge like this. So... I guess this is my catharsis?

"Are you doing okay right now, wherever you are? I hope so.

"I didn't really have a plan for what I was gonna say here, and that's probably pretty obvious, considering I'm just running my mouth again, but... I hope this hasn't gotten to the point where you wouldn't come to my funeral. I think it has, but I hope it hasn't."

He exhales, blinking a few times in hopes of clearing the tears from his eyes.

"If I do survive this - and that's a pretty big _if_ \- I hope we can have a civil conversation, sometime. That seems like a nice goal, huh? Maybe talking for five minutes without fighting? That... that would be nice. A pipe dream, considering I'm going to die, but... it would be nice. Maybe play a game, sometime? I'd... I'd really like that."

He reaches up to scrub his cheeks, a sharp laugh escaping his lips. "Oh. I'm crying. That's... god, I'm such a crybaby. I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, and here I am."

A lie, but barely.

"...I guess what I'm trying to say is that... you're my brother. Even if... even if you hate my guts, and I hate yours, I'll still love you. I just thought you should know. And I... I hope that if I do die, I can go down fighting. Maybe make you proud. That'd be nice. And if... if you wanna come to my funeral just to celebrate or somethin', that's cool."

He picks up his coffee and takes another sip, trying to ignore the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"...I guess I am a little afraid of dying after all. That's... I don't know why I'm telling you this, especially since you probably deleted this, and you can't do a thing about it, but I'm... I'm so scared. I'm so scared, hyung-"

He chokes on a sob, swallowing it back as he presses a hand to his eyes. "God, this is so dumb. I'm sorry I called. I hope- I hope you have a long and great career, 'kay? And that you don't hate me too much. See you soon, I hope."

He jabs the screen and slumps over, a broken sob tearing its way from his throat. "Fuck..."

* * *

"I have a plan."

Dongho chokes on his noodles.

"You're not gonna like it," Minsoo states, indicating Dongho with his chopsticks, "but I think it's the only way."

"What?"

"Daehyun has to be the bait."

" _No_."

"Bait?" Daehyun asks, and Minsoo nods.

"You're the fastest of us. You draw their attention, Dongho-hyung traps them, and we take them out."

"No."

"Why not?"

Minsoo meets Dongho's gaze, eyes narrowed. "Why not, hyung?"

"I'm not putting you two in danger."

"We're _already_ in danger," Minsoo snaps, gesturing in Jaewon's direction. " _He's_ in just as much danger! Why the _hell_ is itokay for _him_ to be in danger, but not for us?"

"Because I trust him."

"Why him?"

It's Daehyun that asks it, expression empty. "Is it because we can't do magic like you two?"

"Dae-" Jaewon tries, panic shining in his eyes, but Dongho cuts him off.

"Yes."

"So what?" Minsoo demands, gaze flashing as he jolts to his feet. The chair falls backwards, clattering to the tile, though nobody notices. "Do you just- do you just want us to sit on the sidelines?"

"Honestly, yes."

Minsoo takes a step back from the table, inhaling sharply. "Do you think we're just- just useless?"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to."

Minsoo flips up his hood, shoulders tensing as he sticks his hands in his pockets. "I'm going for a walk. Be back in an hour or so."

"Hyung, wait-" Jaewon tries, but Minsoo's already gone.

For a moment, the only sound is that of the door banging against the doorframe.

"Fuck," Dongho simply states, head falling into his hands. "I just- _fuck_."

"Hyung?"

Daehyun slides closer, peering at Dongho's face as best he can. "Hyung, why... is that really how you think? I just... I want to understand."

Dongho shakes his head, and _god_ , it may not be Minsoo saying it, but it hurts the same.

More, even.

This isn't a dream, after all.

"...I'll get started on dinner."

"It's only one," Jaewon murmurs, and Daehyun sighs, dipping his head. His hair falls in front of his eyes - greasy and unwashed - and Jaewon can't see whatever's flickering in his irises, but he knows it isn't good.

"I'll go- do something, then. Stay safe."

The door slams shut for the second time, and it's just Jaewon and Dongho.

"Hyung?" Jaewon ventures, and Dongho rakes his hands through his hair, gaze pinned on the table. "Hyung, I think... I think you really hurt their feelings."

"I _know_."

"Then why...?"

"Because- because even if they're upset, they'll listen to me. I just- I need them to stay safe. I want all of you to stay safe, and I just- I keep fucking it up."

Dongho raises his head, and there's _desperation_ in his eyes, the likes of which Jaewon's never seen. "I can't lose any of you. I just- I can't."

It's an odd show of vulnerability from the eldest - especially considering the conversation they just had - and Jaewon rounds the table, sliding into the chair next to Dongho.

"It'll be okay," he soothes, reaching up to wrap an arm around Dongho's broad shoulders. "We're not going anywhere."

"You can't promise that," Dongho murmurs, voice low but no less wounded. "You can't promise that, Jaewon-ah."

Jaewon sighs, and tries not to remember the sheer _terror_ he'd felt the day Dongho leapt out of their moving van. "I'll try my best, but you can't go anywhere either, hyung. We need you too."

Dongho doesn't reply.

(deep down, dongho knows they won't let the creatures kill them - not daehyun, not daehyun with his zest for life and reckless abandon in his movements, not minsoo, minsoo who still has so much left to do and so much left to try.

he's afraid they'll kill themselves, and that-

that scares him more than anything.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things i should not do: rename this fic highway to heaven
> 
> things i may do: rename this fic highway to heaven
> 
> would it be okay if i did
> 
> also dongho and minsoo trying to communicate is like two brick walls trying to solve a rubix cube they don't even have HANDS this isn't gonna WORK


	13. i've been gone for a while when you realize you didn't need me

Minsoo fiddles with the door handle a few times, tongue poking out from between his lips as he tries to figure out how best to open it. 

Really, he just wants to get away from Dongho for a little while. The motel, despite its relative size, is stifling, and he's really hoping this room's former occupant had keys of some sort. 

He just needs to drive.

_(runningawayfromyourproblemswhatacoward-)_

He jiggles the handle a few more times before stepping back, lips pursed as he stares at the door. 

What if he just... kicked it in?

Worth a shot, right? And then he can look like a cool guy from the movies!

_(itwon'tfuckingworkyou'retooweak-)_

He assesses the door for a moment, bouncing on the balls of his feet, before he raises his foot and drives it into the wood of the door. 

It swings inwards with a sharp "crack", and Minsoo winces, rubbing the back of his neck as the remains finish their course and slam into the wall. 

Apparently the motel is too cheap to have doorjams.

He opts to head inside, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he takes in the space. It _smells_ rancid - and he pulls up the hem of his shirt to cover his nose - but other than that, it's not horrible. 

Granted, the smell makes it difficult to focus, but he catches sight of what he's there for. 

_Keys_. 

Keys, sitting on the table. 

Keys, sitting on the table next to a _motorcycle helmet_.

And, well-

Minsoo's always found it easier to relax in convertibles than in vans, so it stands to reason that motorcycles would be even better, right?

_(you'rejustgonnarunawayfromyourproblemslikeyoualwaysfuckingdoyouweakpieceofshit-)_

Someone knocks on the wall, and Minsoo wheels, keys clutched in his grasp. "Who-"

"Hi," Daehyun hums, leaning against the doorframe. "What're you doing?"

"I was gonna go drive."

_(notgoodenoughnotgoodenough-)_

Goddammit, Minsoo thought he was over this.

Honestly- he leaves this whole epic voicemail, and now here he is, back where he started.

"Don't follow me," he hisses, storming past Daehyun and heading for the stairs. 

"Hyung-"

_(you'refuckinghurtingeveryoneyoucareaboutwhyareyousuchaliar-)_

" _Don't follow me!_ "

Sneakers slam on the floor behind him, and a hand grasps his sleeve. 

"Hyung-"

He wheels, throwing his arm out to the side to shake off Daehyun's grasp. _"Don't follow me, Daehyun!"_

A split second of Daehyun's hurt expression is all he sees before he's running, the metal of the keys digging into his palm as he races for the parking lot.

_(whyareyousuchafailure-)_

"Shut up," he hisses, clicking the key fob a few times.

_(youfuckeverythingup-)_

"Shut _up!_ "

_(notgoodenoughnotgoodenoughnotgoodenough-)_

He catches sight of the motorcycle, and jams the keys into the ignition, blinking back hot tears that threaten to spill.

_"I wish you could be more like your brother."_

_"You're just not good enough."_

_"I didn't say that."_

God, he's such a fucking liar.

"Hyung!"

He jams his foot on the bike and revs the ignition, the wind wiping the tears from his eyes as he races out of the parking lot. He can hear Daehyun shouting something from behind him, and his heart twinges at the _pain_ in the younger's voice, but it's better if he doesn't talk to him right now.

_(doesthatmakeyoufeelbetteryoufuckingcoward-)_

The road whips past, and he squints at the horizon, the wind tangling his hair in knots and leaving him chilled. It's divine, honestly.

Still- his brain won't shut the fuck up.

_"Running away again?"_

"Shut up," he spits, tightening his grip on the handlebars. 

_"You're such a coward."_

"Shut _up!_ "

_"You'll never be good enough. Even Dongho thinks so. You're not good enough."_

" _Shut the fuck up!_ "

His scream is lost to the wind, and he chokes on a sob, tears stinging his eyes as he squints at the road. 

" _Fuck_ ," he sobs, digging his nails into the handlebars. _"Fuck."_

_"Not good enough."_

"..."

_"You'll never be good enough. Not good enough to beat your brother. Not good enough for them. Not good enough to help. Not good enough."_

"..."

_"You gonna try and prove me wrong again? Like last time, and the time before that, and the time before that?"_

"Shut _up_."

He's been doing better.

He's supposed to have been doing better.

_He's supposed to be over this._

_"You're not good enough for them. Always second-best. Even Dongho doesn't want you around."_

"I'm not listening to you."

He swerves around an oil tanker, and he can see the city in the distance, spindly shadows in the afternoon light. He's aware enough to know he should turn around, but a part of him wants to push it further. 

See if Dongho's right.

_"You probably made Daehyun cry. Aren't you supposed to make him happy? Aren't you supposed to be the leader? Dongho would be a better leader than you."_

"Shut up."

_"I'm you, dipshit."_

"Then shut up."

_"You're the one thinking these things. You know it's true. You're just not willing to acknowledge it."_

"I don't wanna hear it."

_"Then you're scared of the truth. Dongho was right. You're useless."_

There's a moment where the only sound is that of the wind roaring in his ears, and he stares at the horizon, tears welling up in his eyes.

_"They'd be better off without you."_

* * *

"Are... are you sure?"

Jaewon stares at Dongho, apprehension flashing in his eyes. "You don't- this seems like a bad idea-"

"I'm sure."

Jaewon withers, but takes a few steps back anyways. "A-Alright. If you're sure..."

He flicks on the lighter-

and charges.

Dongho leaps out of the way of Jaewon's flame-wreathed fist, sneakers skidding against the dirt as he summons pillars from either side. Jaewon dodges each one with ease, and he gets close enough to graze Dongho's jaw before the elder cracks the ground between them, hurling himself backwards with the earth.

Jaewon paces up and down the crack for a moment, jaw set, before he leaps across the gap, already wreathed in flames. Dongho's stopped from counterattacking by one-two-three fireballs, and though he manages to avoid the first two, he isn't so lucky with the third.

 _Pain_ sears through his side, and he bites his jaw, throwing up a pair of pillars. Jaewon dodges each one with ease, and Dongho stumbles back, narrowly avoiding a blow to the jaw.

 _God_ , it burns. His side _screams_ with his every movement, and he manages to push past it long enough to hurl himself backwards, though he nearly trips on the landing. 

Jaewon isn't letting up, though. Another pair of fireballs shoot through the air, and Dongho throws up a barrier, grimacing with even that slight movement. He hazards a glance at his side, and-

 _fuck_ , it's bad.

Most of it is black, and what little bit isn't burnt to a crisp is a deeper red than Jaewon's hair. 

And _fuck_ , it _hurts_.

He's startled out of his reverie by fire shooting around the barrier, and Dongho throws himself back, of half a mind to call off the fight entirely.

But-

Jaewon would suspect something if he did.

Speaking of Jaewon, the younger man launches himself towards Dongho, fist wreathed in flames, and Dongho throws up a pillar, catching him squarely in the gut. Jaewon chokes on a gasp, dropping into a crouch, and he's about to jump at Dongho when-

"Hyungs?"

It's Daehyun standing there, hands stuffed in his pockets and hair even messier than normal. 

He looks... stressed.

Really stressed.

"Dinner's ready."

"Is it that late already?"

Daehyun smiles - wan and empty - and shrugs. "I don't know. I was just hungry."

Somehow, Dongho doubts that.

"Where's Minsoo-hyung?" Jaewon asks, and Daehyun's gaze falls to the ground. 

"...still out."

"What?"

"He took one of the motorcycles, so he'll be home soon."

The "I hope" lingers in the air, left unspoken.

* * *

Minsoo hops off the motorcycle at a gas station, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

He at least feels more _centered_ , if not calmer. More... whole.

He's on the outskirts of the city - Dongho would probably tie him up and lock him up in a closet if he actually went _in_ the city - but it's a nice outskirt. One with a coffee shop/bookstore double, even.

He fills up the gas tank before heading for the bookstore, casting wary glances to either side as he pushes open the door. 

_God_ , this feels so fucking contrived. 

Benches line the windows, and bookshelves line the walls - and, okay, maybe he makes a beeline for the comic section.

So what.

He's human.

He grabs a volume of his favorite series - they _finally_ adapted his favorite game into comic form, and it does _not_ disappoint - when it occurs to him.

That would be a nice gift, wouldn't it? Books?

For Dongho, he grabs two - a book on musical history, and a cute comic about a cat - and for Daehyun, he picks up a cookbook and a book of guitar sheet music he hopes the younger doesn't have.

That leaves Jaewon.

He deliberates for a solid fifteen minutes before picking up a leather-bound book of fairy tales and a bookmark, a soft smile slipping on his lips as the thought of Jaewon reading it. Somehow, he feels like it suits him.

(just to be safe, though, he picks up a book about marine life. hopefully jaewon likes one of them.)

He stuffs the books into a bag and slings it over his back, a soft curse escaping his lips at the sight of the violet light arcing through the sky.

Even if he didn't go into the city, Dongho's still going to kill him.

* * *

Dinner is... a dismal affair.

Daehyun stares into his food, expression empty as he picks at the meat in his bowl. Dongho's similarly silent, occasionally wincing at something, and Jaewon's... not sure if conversation is a good idea.

"So," he eventually ventures, though neither one turns. "What..."

His voice dies down as he realizes he has no reply, and he picks at the meat in his bowl, unsure of what exactly to say.

"Jaewon-ah," Dongho states, and Jaewon freezes, spine going rigid, "if you could have any hair color, what would it be?"

"A-Ah," Jaewon stammers, reaching up to toy with his hair. "Jun-ah told me that red doesn't suit me, so... maybe I'll try brown?"

"Red suits you," Daehyun huffs, seeming personally offended by the statement. "Although... you could pull off any color, I think. You look pretty no matter what hair you have."

Jaewon's face heats up, and he hides his cheeks with his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. "What color do you want?" he asks, voice muffled by his hands.

"Mmm, I like blue," Daehyun grins. "Do you think I'd look good with blue, hyungie?"

He leans over to poke Jaewon's cheek, and the elder nods, hands shifting up to cover his eyes. "I think you'd look great..."

"What do you think, Dongho-hyung?"

"I agree with Jaewon-ah," Dongho states, scooping up food with his fork. "You'd look good in any color."

"Ah, I just got a compliment from Dongho-hyung... did you hear that, Shark-hyung? He complimented me!"

"Shark-hyung?"

"We're ocean friends!" Daehyun beams, pulling Jaewon into a hug. "I get the cutest hyung on my team!"

He pauses for a moment, then squints at Dongho. "Actually... I've never seen you smile. You'd be really cute if you smiled!"

"I think he's cute already," Jaewon mumbles, though neither party hears it.

"Cute?" Dongho asks, and Daehyun nods.

"Yeah! You're really cool, but you're also really cute! You're the full package! Like Shark-hyung!"

"What about Minsoo?"

"I have to take off points for height."

Daehyun grins, pointing at Dongho. "What color do you wanna dye your hair?"

"I don't."

"But if you _had to_."

"...blond."

Jaewon's blush crawls up to his ears.

"You'd look great blond," Daehyun remarks, and Dongho quirks a brow.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, it's just a fact."

He points at Jaewon, who seems to be attempting to disappear. "Hyung agrees, right?"

"Yeah," Jaewon squeaks, and Daehyun throws up his hands.

"See? Fact!"

"Hm," Dongho simply replies, taking another bite of his dinner. "...maybe I'll try it. If the stylists let me."

"I'll make them," Daehyun vows, and Dongho's lips quirk into an almost-grin. "Wah! He smiled! Jaewonnie-hyung, did you see that? He smiled! Dongho-hyung smiled! He can smile!"

Dongho doesn't respond, instead opting to hide his mouth behind his hand.

(still, jaewon bets that, if they checked, he'd be smiling even wider.)

* * *

Minsoo climbs off the motorcycle, pulling the keys out of the ignition and stuffing them into his pockets. 

_God_ , he's hungry.

Unfortunately, it's really late - late enough that the stars are out - so he opts to head for his room instead of stopping by the kitchen.

He fumbles with the doorknob a few times before managing to open it, toeing off his shoes at the door and placing his bag next to it. 

"Minsoo-hyung?"

He yelps, scrambling backwards as his head whips around, attempting to locate the source of the threat.

"Ssh!" the person hisses, and Minsoo blinks, able to make out Jaewon's hazy figure in the darkness. "Dongho-hyung and Daehyun-ah are asleep."

Minsoo grins, shimmying out of his jeans and pulling on a pair of shorts. "In here?"

"Daehyun dragged me in," Jaewon states, though there's a hint of fondness to his voice. "He said he wanted to have a cuddle party ready for when you got back, 'cause you seemed upset, but he fell asleep on top of Dongho-hyung, so I, um. Decided to stay up and wait for you. Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah," Minsoo hums, and it's mostly true. The nagging voice of imperfection is quiet for now, and the only real issue is that there's still no power.

Which fucking _sucks_.

"Great," Jaewon replies, and Minsoo can hear a hint of relief in his voice. "Do you, um... wanna join us?"

God, Minsoo's so damn fond of these boys.

"Sure," he grins, racing over to crawl between Jaewon and Dongho. The younger man freezes as he makes himself comfortable, and he pulls Jaewon close, relishing in the feeling of holding a space heater.

"You're my favorite cuddle partner," he whispers, and Jaewon relaxes a bit in his arms. "Just don't tell Dae-yah. He'll get jealous."

"...'m not jealous..."

A hand smacks him in the face, and he scowls, about to shove it off before Daehyun wraps an arm around his waist, cool breath ghosting past Minsoo's ear.

"...like all of you," Daehyun mumbles, throwing his leg over Minsoo's. "'m not j'lous."

"Yeah, but Jaewon gives the best cuddles."

"In front of my salad," Dongho deadpans, and Minsoo squawks, propping himself up on his elbows to glare at the elder.

"How long have you been awake?"

He doesn't need to see to know Dongho's glaring at him. 

"Y're j'lous," Daehyun assesses, flopping back on top of Dongho. "'s okay, hyungie. 'm here."

"You can have Dae-yah," Minsoo grants, pulling Jaewon closer. "I'll take Jaewonnie-yah."

"...trade."

"Rude!"

Lips brush his head, and he freezes, tilting his head to see the dim form of Dongho's fox eyes. "Sleep," the eldest commands, and Minsoo, too stunned to protest, lies down. 

Why is his heart beating so fast?

Is he sick?

Probably. 

Ah, shit. Dongho's gonna kill him twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dongho: *does a thing*  
> anyone else in mayhem: *does the exact same thing*  
> dongho: wait no that's illegal
> 
> they're so fond of each other HELP
> 
> also i know nothing about motorcycles or burns sorry i tried to consult google


	14. if i told him that i loved him, he'd be silently resigned, he'd be mine, he'd say i'm fine, he'd be lying

One thing Dongho and Daehyun have in common is that they both wake up early.

Daehyun grabs a can of their shitty instant coffee and heads for the lawn, the sun's rays just starting to peek through the clouds. Minsoo and Jaewon are still asleep upstairs - Jaewon's fire-red hair barely visible under Minsoo's silver - and Dongho's staring out at the road, expression pensive.

"What're you thinking about, hyung?"

There's hesitation in his voice - the words of the night prior hang in the air between them, present but unacknowledged - and Dongho takes another sip of his coffee, gaze distant.

"Everything."

"You're upset with Minsoo-hyung."

It isn't a question.

"I'm _worried_ ," Dongho clarifies, and Daehyun shrugs.

"They overlap a lot."

He slides a little closer, studying the lines of Dongho's face. Sharp jaw, vulpine nose, fox eyes...

His features lend themselves to a certain _above-it-all-_ ness, making it seem like Dongho's perpetually unperturbed, but if one looks in just the right places, they can see his tells. 

The too-perfect hair, the darkness in his eyes...

"What are you so afraid of, hyung?"

Daehyun's aware that his mindset is foolish - this blissful belief that everything will be alright as long as everyone else is by his side - and he's even more aware that Dongho's perspective is a different one, but-

maybe they're the same?

He's willing to do whatever it takes to protect the people he loves, and he's willing to bet Dongho feels the same.

"..."

Dongho doesn't respond, expression carefully empty, and Daehyun slides a little closer, leaning around to stare into his eyes. "Hyung?"

Dongho's gaze snaps to his, and Daehyun shivers, the full force of the eldest's stare now focused on him. Still, he presses on.

"If you're worried about something, we can't help if we don't know what it is," he states, and Dongho's gaze slides off Daehyun and back to the horizon. "Hey- are you listening?"

"...you're not a kid anymore, huh?"

"Of course not," Daehyun huffs, seeming somewhat affronted. "I'm twenty-three!"

"I take it back."

"Hey!"

Daehyun leans back, a sigh slipping through his lips. "Ah, I was trying to be so cool, and you ruined it..."

"Nn."

There's a while where neither one speaks, Daehyun's gaze pinned on the rising sun and lips curved into a gentle smile. Then-

"Hyung?"

"Mm?"

"Do you think one person can love multiple people?"

"Of course."

"But, like... romantically?"

"Are you asking because you want to know?"

Daehyun rubs the back of his neck, a lop-sided smile on his lips. "Was it that obvious?"

Really, what he's asking-

_do you know?_

"A little," Dongho simply replies, and Daehyun sighs, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Really?"

"You're not exactly sneaky, Daehyunnie-yah."

Daehyun fidgets with the hem of his t-shirt before raising his head, a smile that can only be called hopeful on his lips. "...so?"

"So?"

"Do you... do you have an answer?"

In that moment, Dongho realizes three fundamental truths in perfect tandem.

Number one: Kim Daehyun is in love with him. Kim Daehyun is in love with Kang Dongho and Lee Minsoo and Ahn Jaewon, all at the same time.

Number two: Kim Daehyun is no longer the tiny boy he was all those years ago when he walked into the dorm. Kim Daehyun is no longer someone who needs his protection. 

Number three: he is maybe, just a little bit, irrevocably in love with them as well.

Daehyun stares at him, eyes wide and _so painfully hoping_ , and Dongho-

he reaches over to cup Daehyun's cheek, thumb brushing over his cheekbone.

"Hyung?" Daehyun whispers, and there's _hope_ , yes, but also _so much fear_ in those eyes. "What..."

Instead of responding, Dongho leans in, lingering there for a moment before pressing his lips to Daehyun's.

And _oh_ -

Kissing Dongho feels both like flying and drowning, a paradox that sends Daehyun spinning. He tastes like the shitty instant coffee they have, and Daehyun _knows_ that's what he'll remember from this - not the way Dongho's fingers weave through his hair, not the way his arm wraps around his waist - and it's a fucking shame.

Honestly, the coffee is just _terrible_.

"You taste like shit," Dongho simply states, and Daehyun squawks, eyes flying open. 

"Rude! You were the one who bought the coffee!"

"You drank it."

"Well, I didn't know I was going to _kiss you_ today, otherwise I would've brushed my teeth!"

"You don't brush your teeth?"

"I did last night! I just haven't this morning!"

"Idiot."

Dongho places a soft peck on Daehyun's lips before standing, a half-grin on his lips. "I'll go wake up Soo-yah and Jae-yah, if you wanna make breakfast?"

"Sure," Daehyun helplessly replies, and Dongho nods, turning to head away. "Wait- hyung! You never answered! Hyung! Wait!"

* * *

There's-

 _something_ -

buzzing in the air.

Minsoo's gaze shifts from Dongho to Daehyun, taking in the way Daehyun's gaze seems to linger on Dongho's face for a moment too long and the way Dongho will occasionally catch him staring and give him a little smirk.

Or, well. It could be a smile.

Personally, Minsoo doubts (hopes) Dongho can't smile. After all, the world (his heart) would explode if he did.

Still, it's better than the invisible tension from the day prior, so that's something.

(plus, daehyun's smiling. daehyun has a cute smile.)

Jaewon seems generally blindsided by the whole thing, only throwing in a few awkward smiles as he nurses his coffee. 

Ah, well. Maybe that's for the best.

Dongho leans over, ruffling his hair as he peers at Jaewon's coffee. "Morning, Jae-yah."

"A-Ah... morning?" Jaewon stammers, peering around to stare at Dongho.

A kiss wouldn't be out of place here, Minsoo thinks.

"Can I talk to you?" Dongho asks, and Jaewon nods, visibly bewildered. 

"Wha-"

Dongho grasps his wrist and pulls him out of his seat, letting Jaewon stumble out of the room after him.

That leaves only Daehyun and Minsoo.

"You're happy today," Minsoo remarks, and Daehyun's grin flickers, the younger biting his lower lip as he stares into his coffee. "What's up with you?"

"...nothing."

"Bull _shit_ ," Minsoo teases, leaning over to poke Daehyun's shoulder. "What happened?"

"... _IkissedDonghohyung_."

"What?"

"I said," Daehyun repeats, face flaring red, "I kissed Dongho-hyung."

For a moment-

Minsoo feels an irrational surge of _jealousy_.

Which is stupid. It's not like he'd dating Daehyun, or anything, nor is he dating Dongho.

(who is he jealous of, then? either one? both?)

"Really?" he chokes out, and Daehyun nods, lips quirking into a blissful smile. 

"Ah, it was great..."

"That's awesome!" Minsoo lies, trying to ignore the gnawing ache in his heart. "I'm so happy for you guys!"

Is it his imagination, or does Daehyun look a little sad?

"We're not together," the younger clarifies, and _oh_ , that must be it. "He just kissed me."

"Well, do you wanna be together?"

Daehyun pauses for a moment, something unidentifiable flickering in his eyes. "...yeah."

"Why so sad?" Minsoo teases. 

(he can't be selfish. this makes daehyun happy.)

"It's... it's complicated."

"Then go _talk to him_ ," Minsoo groans, sprawling over the table. "Communication _isn't that hard_."

"...okay."

"Why are you so sad?" Minsoo asks, leaning over to poke Daehyun's cheek. "This is happy! You should be happy!"

"...I guess."

"Hey, Dae-yah-"

"I just-"

"Wha-"

"I think Jaewon-hyung likes him too."

Is it telling that Minsoo's first thought is that they should form a _"we-like-Dongho"_ club?

"And I don't... I don't want him to know. About me and Dongho-hyung, I mean. Because he deserves to be happy, too."

"Dae-yah..."

"Don't tell him, okay?"

And _god_ , Daehyun looks so _sad_ -

Minsoo can't help but agree.

"Thank you," Daehyun murmurs, and it's all Minsoo can do to not reply with _"but you deserve to be happy, too."_ "I don't... I don't think Dongho-hyung and I should be together."

"Dae- _what_?"

"It's better this way," Daehyun states, and Minsoo doesn't know who he's trying to convince. "They're... they're better for each other. You've seen the way Dongho-hyung looks at Jaewon-hyung, right?"

(yes, he has- and maybe, just maybe, he wished those looks were directed at him.)

"Yeah."

"And Jaewon-hyung- he smiles so much around Dongho-hyung. I can't make him smile like that."

"...both of them?"

Daehyun freezes, and Minsoo smiles - a bit lopsided, a bit too wide. "It's okay, Dae-yah. Don't you think... shouldn't you talk to them about this?"

"No."

It's a quick retort, and Minsoo freezes, eyes wide. "But-"

"This is the best way," Daehyun murmurs, pushing his chair back from the table. "Trust me, hyung."

 _"You're all hurting yourselves,"_ Minsoo wants to scream, _"and for what?"_

"...fine."

* * *

This was a mistake.

Breakfast just-

made that _abundantly_ clear.

Daehyun could see the way Jaewon looked at Dongho, could see the way Dongho looked back, and that-

he wants them to be happy. 

He wants them to be happy more than he wants _himself_ to be happy, and Jaewon and Dongho can do that for each other.

They're perfect together. Soft, sweet Jaewon, and Dongho with his hidden heart of gold. 

They'll be good for each other.

And Daehyun-

Daehyun will watch.

He'll watch, and he'll remember the shitty taste of instant coffee as a metaphor for what this all turned out to be - a bitter mistake, one that hurt everyone involved.

(they can make each other happy - happier than he can - and he loves both of them too much to stand in the way of that.)

 _Loves_ , plural, because that is what it is - indelible marks on his heart made with smiles and soft words - and _god_ , he loves them too much to let them make this mistake.

A part of him is reminded of Minsoo's expression earlier - trepidatious happiness - and he realizes Minsoo must've thought of this as a mistake, too

* * *

Dongho stuffs a hoodie into his bag - one Jaewon recognizes as Daehyun's - with a faint smile on his lips, and, well-

what _happened_?

Jaewon's about to ask when a knock rings through the air, and Dongho straightens, kicking his bag under the bed. "Yeah?"

_"It's Daehyun."_

"Oh," Dongho replies, seeming somewhat thrown. "Jaewon-ah, do you mind...?"

"No," Jaewon smiles, stepping back to pull the door open. "Call when you're done!"

Something flickers over Daehyun's face for a moment - pain, mixed with harsh determination - and Jaewon lets the door fall shut, leaving the two of them alone.

Dongho starts towards Daehyun, a soft smile on his lips. "Dae-yah-"

"This doesn't mean anything."

Daehyun can't meet his eyes.

"What?"

"This-"

Daehyun gestures between them, still unable to meet his eyes. "Us. We aren't- we're not anything."

"What?"

Dongho stares at him, eyes wide. "Daehyun-ah, I don't... I don't understand."

"You love Jaewon-hyung, don't you?"

Dongho forgets how to breathe.

Finally (finally!) Daehyun meets his gaze, tears shining in his dark eyes. "You love him. And he- he's better for you. He's better."

 _"No,"_ Dongho wants to cry, _"that's not it-"_

but he can't find the words. 

"You should be with him instead," Daehyun murmurs. "You love him. What we did- that was a mistake."

A mistake?

"Do you... do you regret it?"

"Yes."

And that-

that one word makes the perfect little dream Dongho dared to have crumble.

Blissful fantasies where all four of them are together, perfect dreams of happiness and futures-

he should've known they could never happen.

"I wish I didn't love you," Daehyun whispers, and there's no anger in his voice.

Just-

raw grief.

"Everything would be so much easier that way."

"You don't mean that," Dongho all but begs. "Please, Dae-yah."

Daehyun can't meet his eyes.

(dongho's heart feels like it's been torn open - the stone walls keeping people out doing nothing against this.)

"I'm sorry."

"If you're sorry, then- then don't do this."

(daehyun's heart wrenches at that - at the _desperation_ in dongho's voice. it's not an emotion that should be given to him, no matter how much he may want it.)

"Please."

"...I'm sorry."

Dongho shoves his emotions down, pushes them back into the box labeled "Things Kang Dongho Will Not Address", and nods. "Okay."

(daehyun can hear it - can hear how _empty_ dongho's voice sounds - and for a moment, he hates himself for it.)

"It meant nothing," Daehyun murmurs, though they both know it's a lie.

"Nothing," Dongho echoes.

Daehyun nods, a quick, jerky motion, and he heads for the door. "Um. See you later, hyung."

"Yeah," Dongho murmurs, unsure of _what the fuck just happened_. "See you later."

His side twinges - a rough reminder of the day prior - and _god_ , a part of him wants to return to that day.

(things were easy, then.)

"Hyung?" someone asks, and Dongho freezes at the sight of Jaewon leaning into the room. "What... what happened? Why is Dae-yah crying?"

"He just..."

Dongho bites his lip, unsure of what to say. "He just had to do something."

"Oh... okay?"

Jaewon watches as Dongho pulls out his bag, expression empty. "We're leaving tonight."

"Hyung, wha-"

"I'll put the pills in their food at dinner."

Dongho isn't looking at him.

"Be ready to leave."

* * *

Daehyun doesn't come to lunch.

Instead, three plates sit wrapped on the table, cute cartoon characters and smiles drawn on each one.

Jaewon doesn't understand what happened - but if it has anything to do with the way Dongho stares at his, a cartoon fox drawn on it - it isn't good.

* * *

"We're moving out tomorrow."

Absy grins, and Thy nods, expression placid as ever.

"Celi will stay behind," Nisi announces, "and the rest of us will carry out the elimination."

"Why is he staying behind?" Thy asks, and Nisi sighs.

"As backup."

"That's dumb," Absy notes, and Nisi rolls his eyes.

"I didn't ask for your opinion, Absyronis."

"I'm giving it anyways!"

"...right. Anyways, prepare to move out. We leave at dawn."

"'kay!" Absy chirps, and Thy nods.

"Alright. Go... do whatever it is you're doing."

"It's called _Pokémon_ ," Absy pouts, and Nisi glares at him.

"Please, remind me where I care."

" _Rude_!"

As Absy and Thy leave, Celi's gaze flits to Nisi's. "This is going to work."

It's a statement, not a question.

"Yeah," Nisi murmurs, watching the younger pair's retreating forms. "I hope so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DAEHYUN STOP MAKING YOUR THEME SATISFIED I SWEAR TO G O D
> 
> also he's probably watched too much love alarm this reads like a scene from it
> 
> this entire chapter was an exercise in futility to kill time but the plot is finally happening and will KEEP happening for the next threeish chapters in order to make up for this MESS


	15. divergence: you forfeit all rights to my heart

"Hyung?"

Dongho blinks, wheeling with spatula in hand. 

Oh.

It's only Minsoo.

"You okay?" Minsoo murmurs, and Dongho nods, turning his attention back to the meal. "...do you not wanna talk to me?"

He doesn't respond.

"I hate seeing this," Minsoo mumbles, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I hate- I hate seeing both of you hurt."

Is Dongho hurt?

Maybe.

Right now, he just feels numb.

"Why won't you talk to me, hyung?"

It'll all be better in a few days.

Right?

(privately, dongho doubts this is a schism that can heal. not like this.)

"I... I guess you're making dinner?" Minsoo ventures, taking a step back. "I'll go tell Dae-yah. See you... see you later."

He pauses at the doorframe, expression dark. "I thought... I thought that this whole scenario would make things like this seem so small. It has for me. But you two... living day-to-day means that anything could go unfinished. You should... you should talk to him. Before it's too late. If you really love him, talk to him."

With that-

the door slams shut.

* * *

 _God_ , how could things have gone this wrong?

Daehyun stares out at the road, trying not to think about the one thing he could never forget.

What he said.

What he did.

(the biggest mistake of _his_ life- but better then letting it be the biggest mistake of dongho's.)

"Hey, Dae-yah."

Daehyun blinks, raising his head to see Minsoo standing over him. "What?"

"I brought you a jacket," Minsoo simply states, taking a seat next to him. 

Daehyun's... 

distantly grateful.

"You've been crying," Minsoo murmurs, draping the jacket over his back.

"...yeah."

"Dumb thing to say, huh?"

Minsoo stares down at his hands, worrying his lower lip between his teeth, before he raises his head. "I... I'm sorry, Dae-yah. For yesterday."

Honestly, Daehyun had almost forgotten - the argument lost to a distant haze - but now that it's brought to the forefront, he appreciates the apology. "...thanks."

"Y'know... Dongho-hyung looks pretty miserable."

"..."

"He won't talk to me. I just... talked at him, and he didn't respond. Maybe I'll ask Jaewon-ah to talk to him?"

And _god_ -

things would be so much _easier_ if Daehyun could just... love one person.

Things would be so much _easier_ if Daehyun's heart wasn't nearly severed in three, would be _easier_ if he didn't love Jaewon too much to take that chance from Dongho.

And then- it wouldn't be fair to Dongho either, would it? Loving him with his heart cut in three?

He made the right decision, he _knows_ , but-

it _hurts_.

"Hey. Hey. Dae-yah, look at me."

Fingers tap his cheek, and he raises his head, gaze meeting Minsoo's. 

"I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Dongho-hyung," Minsoo states. "I know... I know you love them, but we could die at any time. It seems impossible, but we could. So you _need_ to talk to him. I mean... doesn't this all seem small right now?"

_Small?_

"Go away."

"Daehyun-"

"This isn't _small_ to me!" Daehyun shouts, head whipping around to glare at Minsoo. "This- this isn't something small! This is my _life_! My _feelings_! This isn't _small_!"

"I don't want you to do something you'll regret," Minsoo states, and Daehyun shakes his head.

"Why- why is that your responsibility? I'm _twenty-three_. I'm not a kid, and I don't need your protection."

"It's not my responsibility, it's my _hope_. I _care_ about you, Daehyun-ah!"

" _God_ , that's rich. All you've been doing is running away!"

"You-"

Minsoo takes a step back, eyes flashing. "I'm not rising to your bait."

"Why not?"

Daehyun takes a step forwards.

"Is it because you're afraid?"

 _God_ , he wants Minsoo to punch him. He wants Minsoo to punch him, he wants to _hurt_ , he wants to have a _reason_ for feeling this way-

"Because you're _hurting_! Because you're _hurting_ , and you want to _hurt_ , and you're not thinking clearly right now-"

"When has that ever stopped you?"

Minsoo's jaw clicks shut.

Daehyun feels like a hurricane - an endless frenzy of panic and anger and _bad feelings_ \- and he takes another step forwards, fury burning in his eyes. "I'm _not_ a kid anymore, hyung. I can- I can handle this on my own."

(he doesn't want to. he wants to be able to go back to before all this, to back before everything went bad.

but he can't.)

Minsoo stares at him, pain reflected in his eyes, and it takes Daehyun a moment to realize it must be his. "...I understand."

 _"No,"_ Daehyun wants to scream, _"you don't understand, you don't understand the way this hurts, you don't understand the way it feels like my heart is tearing itself out of my chest, you don't understand a thing-"_

Minsoo takes one-two-three steps back, a broken sort of smile on his lips. "I'll... I'll make sure Jaewon-ah doesn't come out here."

And _oh_ , he hurt Minsoo too.

He _knows_ he hurt Minsoo too, now, knows he did _something_ to hurt him, but he can never tell with the elder man, every movement so maddeningly distant and vague-

and Minsoo's gone.

(behind a wall, jaewon presses a hand to his mouth, sliding to the pavement with a soft thud.

why would they keep this from him?

why would daehyun do this for him?

daehyun deserves to be happy, more than he does. daehyun deserves to be happy.

jaewon thought he knew that.

apparently not.)

* * *

Jaewon stares at the contents of his bag, making sure he has everything.

One of Daehyun's hoodies. The books Minsoo gave him. Toothpaste, toothbrush, enough clothes for two days, his plushie...

is this really a good idea?

Going behind Daehyun and Minsoo's backs like this- pushing them out of the way without their say-

is this a good idea?

Logically, it's sound. Emotionally, he trusts Dongho.

Intuitively...

he has a horrible feeling about this.

"I'll come get you," Dongho murmurs, and Jaewon wheels, only to see the elder man standing a few inches behind him.

Jesus _Christ_.

"Ah, hyung, you scared me..."

"I'll knock on your door after Minsoo's asleep. It shouldn't take long. I put a lot in."

"Not- not too much, right?"

"Of course not," Dongho states, seeming somewhat affronted. "Anyways. I have the keys, and you have your stuff. Is that everything?"

Jaewon nods, and Dongho nods in return.

It's a very productive conversation.

"See you at dinner, then," Jaewon ventures, and Dongho nods, turning to head out the door.

"See you at dinner."

* * *

Dongho stares at his reflection, gaze flitting down to the deep burn on his side. 

_Fuck_.

He's no expert on burns, but this doesn't look great.

On the plus side, it's healing faster than expected.

On the negative side, it definitely looks infected.

He sits down on the toilet, stuffing a washcloth in his mouth as he pulls out a bottle of antiseptic. 

This is gonna hurt.

This is gonna hurt _really bad_.

But _fuck_ , tonight has to go well. He can't risk having a wound slow him down.

Before he can hesitate, he uncaps the bottle, pouring the contents over his side.

 _Pain_ shoots through his nerves, and he howls, throwing his head back as tears leak from his eyes.

 _God_ , it fucking _hurts_.

It feels like someone set his side on fire for the second time, and he tries to remember how to breathe as he stares into the ceiling.

_Hurtshurtshurts-_

fucking _breathe_.

By the time his screams die into broken whimpers, he feels like he can move - thank _fuck_ \- but _god_ , his side _aches_.

Hopefully he can still fight.

(there's no other option, is there?)

* * *

Dinner is...

exactly as awkward as Jaewon expected. 

Dongho's ignoring Daehyun, and Daehyun's ignoring both Dongho and Minsoo - though the latter seems to be attempting conversation - and once Daehyun finishes eating, he heads for the sink, plunking his plate down and disappearing to... somewhere.

Hopefully to bed.

"Ah, I'm tired," Minsoo mumbles, picking idly at his food. "I think I'll go to bed early tonight."

Dongho nods, and Minsoo grins, placing his plate on the counter.

It's still half-full, Jaewon notes- but knowing Dongho, he'll find a way out anyways.

"See you guys tomorrow," the leader hums, and Jaewon nods, gaze flitting to Dongho. 

Who is... still catatonic.

Great.

"Good night, hyung."

"And remember-"

Minsoo points at them - more aptly, Dongho - and furrows his brow, expression grave. "Things that seem really big right now are going to seem small someday soon, y'know?"

* * *

(later on, jaewon will look back at this night, and understand minsoo's words all the more.

everything seemed so big back then.

emotions dominating preservation, instead of the pair going hand-in-hand. a failure to communicate based on a misguided sense of time- mistakes he'll learn from, but ones he can't stop from making all the same.

his mistake.)

* * *

Jaewon climbs out of bed and shrugs on his jacket, barely able to make out Daehyun's curled-up form across the room.

He's curled up in a tiny ball, arms wrapped around a pillow, and Jaewon can't see the finer details, but he's probably chewing on his hair.

God, Dongho would have an aneurism if he saw this.

(would've. always would've, now.)

Jaewon grabs his bag and toes on his shoes, gaze flickering, unbidden, to Daehyun's sleeping form.

They're doing the right thing, right?

(they have to be.)

"Bye, Dae-yah," Jaewon murmurs, hand lingering on the doorknob. "I'll... I'll be back soon."

He left a note, so.

There's that at least.

He pulls the door open and steps outside, gaze flickering to Dongho - or at least, someone with the same build as Dongho - who's clearly been waiting. "You didn't knock."

"Didn't think I had to," Dongho replies, and Jaewon pulls the door shut with a soft "click". "Minsoo's still asleep."

Given that they're out here, Jaewon expected as much.

They head down the stairs in relative silence, and Dongho unlocks the car from a distance, tossing their things in the back while Jaewon climbs in the passenger's seat. It's pitch-black outside, no light save the stars, and it's _unnerving_.

Still, they're on the move.

Dongho turns on the car and pulls out, flicking on the headlights in an apparent bid to ensure that they don't crash.

(jaewon greatly appreciates said bid)

They're on the road, then, and it almost feels... too easy.

It feels too easy, leaving Daehyun and Minsoo behind.

"Hyung?"

"Hn?"

Dongho looks... a little sick, actually.

His face is oddly pale - though that could just be the lighting - and his jaw is set, eyes devoid of life.

He looks... decimated.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You seem..."

Jaewon hesitates, resting his head on the window. "You don't seem okay, hyung."

"I'm fine."

Dongho's... a fairly reticent person, and Jaewon's about as socially skilled as a _tree_ , so this is going to be fun.

They drive in silence for about twenty minutes, Dongho's gaze pinned on the road while Jaewon fidgets in his seat. It's... not _uncomfortable_ , per se, but there's a _tenseness_ in the air. 

Almost as if they're both waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Which is _stupid_. Dongho isn't going to do anything to hurt Jaewon. He's not going to harm him.

(but-

daehyun kissed dongho, jaewon's mind reminds him. and minsoo-

minsoo responded to that very strangely. 

things are hard and things are confusing and daehyun and dongho should be together.)

"...do you actually feel anything for all the girls you sleep with?"

Ah. 

There's the other shoe.

"Aha..." Jaewon trails off, gaze pinned on the distant city. "Yeah, sometimes..."

"Did you break up with them, or did they break up with you?"

Now is probably a pretty shit time to admit that Jaewon's never been in a relationship, so he doesn't. 

"Both," he vaguely replies, and Dongho's brow furrows.

"Did you... did you still love any of them?"

Wait. No. Abort mission. This was a terrible idea. Stop talking.

"...yeah."

Ahn Jaewon, _stop talking_.

"So then, why... why would you do it?"

"Well," Jaewon tries, "sometimes it was because... because being in a relationship wasn't good for them. Sometimes it was because I loved them."

"Because you loved them?"

"They deserved better than me," Jaewon murmurs, gaze distant. "If you really love somebody, you know when you're not the best person for them."

"...I guess all those girlfriends have taught you something."

"Ah- thank you?"

Jaewon isn't _entirely_ sure how to respond to that, but at least Dongho looks a little better? Still pretty stressed, but at least... passably okay.

It is _really_ sad that that's his standard.

He sighs, head drooping to rest against the window once more. _God_ , he's tired.

"Get some rest," Dongho advises, and Jaewon flinches, eyes flying open. 

When did he close them?

"But-"

"It'll be fine," Dongho soothes, and Jaewon sighs, eyes sliding shut. "I'll wake you up when we get there."

"Thanks, hyung..."

And with that-

he falls into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dongho's sad ok let him live
> 
> also i said there'd be plot and i lied whoops
> 
> insert the usual "help this poor author with typos" line here
> 
> vote in the comments!!! do you wanna see a side or b side next chapter?
> 
> a side: dongho and jaewon in the city
> 
> b side: minsoo and daehyun at the motel
> 
> i don't say it enough but thank you to everyone who comments!!! you make my day, and i read every one of them, even if i don't respond because i'm an awkward FOOL


	16. a side: i'm broken, lying helpless, shattered by the world

The location of the aliens' base is shockingly easy to find.

In hindsight, the fact that it's a giant tower _really_ should've clued him in.

Dongho squints up at the shining spire, nudging Jaewon with his elbow. "Yah. Jaewon-ah. We're here."

"Nnn?" the younger eloquently replies, propping himself up on the armrest. "You sure?"

"Considering all the buildings within a quarter mile are either piles of ash or structurally unsound, yes."

Jaewon pulls out his lighter, rubbing the piece of plastic with his thumb. "So... what's the goal?"

"Kill them."

"...beyond that?"

"Don't die."

That's...

about as much of a plan as Jaewon's likely to get, if he's being honest.

Dongho pushes open his door, climbing out of the car and gesturing for Jaewon to follow suit. "An ambush would be the best idea. I mean, best-case scenario, we take down all four of them, but worst-case scenario, we need to have a clear retreat."

"Mhm," Jaewon hums, gazing up at the skyscraper. "...should we wait for them to come out, or should we go in?"

"Wait for them to come out," Dongho states. "Let's set up in that building over there."

He points towards one of the few intact buildings on the street, and Jaewon nods, pulling his bag out of the backseat. 

"Got it, hyung."

* * *

The building is an old apartment building, as it turns out.

They find a room with an unlocked door - it _reeks_ of booze, so Dongho's around ninety percent certain there was a party going on - and set up their shit, propping a window open while he takes watch.

 _Fuck_ if his side isn't aching something _nasty_ , though. 

Jaewon's curled in a tiny ball on the couch, hair splayed over his cheek and lips slightly parted, so Dongho rests his chin on his hand and thinks.

He's really about to do this.

He's really about to commit murder.

Honestly, it scares him less than he expected. 

He stares out at the skyscraper for close to three hours, mind turning over different strategies and ideas, when the squealing of tires jolts him out of his reverie.

 _Fuck_.

A car speeds out of the garage, and Dongho leaps out the window, summoning pillars from the earth to block its path.

Only-

they crumble.

Dongho throws up more to block its path, and they fall again, leaving him to watch helplessly as the car speeds off. And-

"So," someone states, and Dongho's eyes narrow at the sight of Celi, arms folded over his chest and expression stone-cold. "I should've known you'd come."

Dongho doesn't give him the dignity of a reply.

He hurls himself at the alien, fury blazing in his eyes, and rebounds against the earth Celi throws up to block his path. A pillar springs up under him, and he twists (ignoring the way his side _screams_ ) splitting the earth under Celi's feet.

A mild distraction.

Celi knits the ground back together and slams him out of the sky with a flying mound of earth, sending him crashing against the building's wall. He blinks, dazed, and the ground starts to shudder under him, the building making an ominous sort of rumbling sound behind him.

Fuck.

 _Jaewon_.

As it turns out, Jaewon has a lot more self-preservation than Dongho gave him credit for.

A figure wreathed in flames leaps out the window, flipping over the mound of earth and driving his fist into Celi's face. The alien sweeps his leg out, and the younger man leaps back, throwing a pair of fireballs at his opponent-

and Dongho should _really_ be fighting and not staring, dumbstruck, like some dumbass teenager.

He shoots a pair of pillars at Celi, driving him directly into Jaewon's wave of flames, and he grins as Jaewon tackles him to the ground, pinning his hands over his head.

Still-

that doesn't mean they're home clear yet. 

The ground opens under them, and Dongho hurries to patch it up, the mental strain of directly fighting another person for control threatening to overwhelm him. As it is, they're still somewhat sinking, and Dongho's not confident he can hold it for much longer.

"Do it!"

Jaewon raises his head, dark eyes shining with horror, and Dongho _should've fucking known_ -

but that look in his eyes is enough to let control slip from his fingers, and Celi makes his move.

He hurls Jaewon to the side, the younger man slamming against the doors of the building and slumping over, unmoving. Once that's done, he withdraws a pair of pistols from hip holsters, and Dongho has enough time to think "oh, _fuck_ " before a bullet embeds itself in his shoulder.

It feels _hot_.

It feels _hot_ , and Dongho's arm screams when he moves it, but he can still move.

(he's really amassing quite the plethora of injuries, huh?)

He charges at Celi once more, a scream tearing its way from his throat, and the alien grins, a distant rumbling shooting through the earth. 

He's not dodging.

Why isn't he dodging?

Dongho can end this, right here, right now. Snap his neck with his bare hands.

But out of the corner of his eye, he sees the building they were in tilt.

A shadow falls over Jaewon's unconscious form, and he wheels, abandoning all thoughts of killing the man in favor of _protecting Jaewon_.

He's still not moving.

The building tilts, falling forwards, and Dongho screams, diving forwards to cover Jaewon with his body.

A stabbing pain shoots through his skull-

and everything fades to black.

* * *

_"You let them live?"_

"He let me live," Celi states, staring at the pile of rubble that once was the building. "I decided to return the favor."

_"Goddammit, Celios..."_

"What about the other two?"

_"Absyronis blew them up. Nothing could have survived that blast."_

"Hn. At least this wasn't a total waste of a day."

_"You and your fucking honor, Celios. It'll be the death of you someday."_

"I'm not going to kill someone who took mercy on me."

_"Idiot."_

"Eh, I suppose."

Celios strides away from the rubble, a soft smile on his lips as he stuffs his hands back into his pockets.

That was fun, honestly.

After all, Celios _knows_ this will only inspire them to work harder.

Maybe next time, they'll even be a bit of a challenge.

* * *

Jaewon wakes up to a stabbing pain in his back.

It feels like someone just stabbed him, and he groans, trying to wriggle out from whatever's pinned him.

It's to no avail. Whatever the thing is is both too heavy and too hot to move out of safely.

He reaches up, trying to feel for what the thing is, and his fingertips come back wet.

Blood.

He fumbles for his lighter, eventually rescuing it from where it's trapped under his thigh. One flick, two flicks, and he finally has flame to work with.

He wastes no time throwing small balls of flame around their air pocket, eventually managing to illuminate the space. It's barely big enough for him to sit upright, and long enough for him to lie down any way he wants, but beyond that, it's really quite small.

Now, for the more pressing concern.

Jaewon scoots to the side, rolling Dongho over onto his back. There's blood seeping from what looks like a _bullet wound_ in his arm and from under his shirt, not to mention the deep gash on the back of his head.

What can he do?

Jaewon grabs the hem of his shirt and tears off a shred, pressing it to the wound on his head. The white fabric is soaked through in seconds, and Jaewon yanks off his shirt, wadding it up and pressing it to the gash.

What the fuck can he do?

He rolls up Dongho's shirt, hoping to gain access to the mysterious third wound, only to be met with a patch of blackened and blistered skin.

This wasn't from the fight.

The time Dongho had bent over during sparring, pain written on his face-

did Jaewon do this?

 _Fuck_.

Really, they need to get out of this rubble - but the only one who can do that is Dongho, and he's not in much of a state to do _anything_ \- so Jaewon chooses to busy himself with debating the pros and cons of cauterizing head wounds. 

Pro: stem blood loss(????)

Con: possible brain damage.

Con: Jaewon has no idea what the fuck he's doing.

Yeah, maybe he shouldn't do it.

Honestly, Jaewon has no idea what the fuck he can do. There's nothing left to make bandages out of, Dongho's losing blood _rapidly_ , and they're stuck in a fucking air pocket in the middle of a destroyed building.

Shit.

His head throbs, and he loses his grasp on the flames, the small orbs flickering into nonexistence. 

_Shit_.

Where did he put his lighter?

He distantly recalls hearing that blood loss makes people cold, and _hey_ , Jaewon runs warm, so clearly the optimal solution here is to hug Dongho as tightly as he can.

One-hundred-percent the most optimal solution.

He wraps his arms around Dongho's torso, pressing his cheek to the older man's good shoulder. And _god_ , he's cold already, breathing short and quick, so Jaewon hugs him tighter, trying to ignore the rabbit-pulse of his own heart. 

Didn't Minsoo make them attend some seminar about blood loss or concussions or something? He was really passionate about it, Jaewon recalls - he went through an entire red pen - though none of them really listened.

(he vividly remembers seeing daehyun land a paper plane in dongho's hair, and dongho folding it into a better one before sending it back the way it came. he's really wishing he had paid more attention to minsoo's seminar, though.)

What did he say? Stem the bleeding - no luck there - and... and...

Oh, _right_ , that was when Dongho and Daehyun started flicking pens across the room.

Goddammit, past-Jaewon. Why couldn't he have focused on this information?

Keep the person conscious- that was something. He can probably do that.

He taps Dongho's cheek, propping himself up on his elbows as he continues his attempts.

Dongho doesn't wake up.

Goddammit.

He breathes a silent apology to the elder as he pushes himself upright, inhaling sharply before pressing his thumb to the bullet wound.

Dongho jolts awake, a noise halfway between a shout and a scream escaping his lips. 

Well, at least he's awake.

"Hyung," Jaewon hisses, tapping Dongho's cheek a few times. "No-no-no, hyung, you can't fall asleep-"

He scrabbles for his lighter, eventually finding it a foot or so away, and he flicks it on, drawing his fire-orbs out of the flame as soon as he can. "Hyung, hyung, you're still awake, right?"

Dongho's eyes narrow, and he stares at Jaewon for a moment, mouth opening and closing soundlessly. "Jae... won?"

"Yeah," Jaewon gasps, harsh and ragged. "Yeah, yeah, it's me. Can you move the rubble?"

"...rubble?"

"The building collapsed," Jaewon breathes, and Dongho squints at him. "I need you to move the rubble- _no-no-no, don't fall asleep_!"

"I'm tired," Dongho simply states, and Jaewon nods.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You can sleep after you do this, okay?"

He has... no fucking clue how this works.

Dongho sighs, head lolling against the ground. "...'m tired..."

"Please," Jaewon begs, grasping Dongho's hand and squeezing for dear life. "Please, hyung, _please_."

Dongho squints, something settling in his gaze-

and he raises a hand, fingers trembling-

and the rubble shifts. 

Something cracks, and something snaps, and Jaewon throws himself back over Dongho, acutely aware of how _exposed_ he is like this, and something snaps once more-

and sunlight streams in.

Jaewon's head whips up, and he stares - first at the thin crack, and then down at Dongho, who's gone limp in his arms.

Fuck.

He reaches up, pushing at the twisted metal, and it slices through his fingertips, droplets of crimson splattering on the pavement as he continues his effort. It stings, but he can't give up.

He has to make it out.

For both of their sakes, he has to make it out.

By the time he has a gap large enough to crawl out of, his fingers are sliced to shreds, and he sticks his index finger in his mouth for a moment, staring down at his hands.

God, he needs disinfectant.

He grips a hunk of metal for support, hauling himself out of the hole even as it slices through his palm. He staggers to his feet, taking in the rampant destruction around him - the entire _block_ has been decimated, bags and furniture and miscellaneous objects strewn around - and he sighs, casting his gaze back towards the hole. 

Time to use those muscles Minsoo swears he has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "smyptoms of bloos loss"
> 
> i shouldn't be writing right now
> 
> this chapter sucks please let me know if there are any horrible typos
> 
> anyways!! a side or b side next chapter? i actually have plans for both of them this time


	17. b side: the show must go on

_It's movie night._

_Daehyun sighs, snuggling into Dongho's side. Across the room, Jaewon's curled up in one of the chairs, red hair falling in his eyes and a strange darkness to his gaze, but Daehyun pays it no heed._

_"Okay!" Minsoo grins, plopping down on the floor in front of him. "Are you guys ready to watch Batman?"_

_"Those movies are crap," Dongho states, and Minsoo wheels, indignation flaring in his eyes._

_"How dare you insult Batman? It's the- the peak of modern cinema!"_

_"You have no taste," Dongho flatly replies. "If you're gonna put on a Batman movie, put on Joker."_

_"A-Ah..." Jaewon trails off, an awkward smile on his lips. "Sounds good!"_

_"You're scaring him!" Minsoo squawks, gesturing wildly in Jaewon's general direction._

_"Alright. Jaewon-ah, what do you want to watch?"_

_Jaewon freezes, a deer in the headlights, and after a moment, he shrugs. "U-Um... I'm okay with anything?"_

_"Finding Nemo!" Daehyun crows - not for his sake, since he's personally ambivalent towards the movie's existence, but for Jaewon's - and he's rewarded with a shocked expression from the elder. "C'mon, c'mon, let's watch it!"_

_Minsoo stares sadly down at the boxes in his hands, heartbreak written on his face. "But- but- Batman-"_

_"Just put on Finding Nemo," Dongho grouses, draping an arm over Daehyun's side. "You're the leader, so shouldn't you listen to our choice?"_

_Minsoo mutters something about "stupid hyung" and "why is he always right" as he puts the DVD in the drive, flopping sullenly on the floor. Daehyun, on the other hand, relaxes into Dongho's arms, wrapped in warmth._

_He zones out, staring at the TV, and Dongho's fingers coax tangles out of his hair in a gentle rhythm. It's nice._

_This is nice._

_"Daehyun!"_

_He squints, staring at the television. Why is the movie calling his name?_

_"Daehyun, wake up!"_

_Huh?_

_"Dammit, Dae- wake up!"_

_Pain shoots through his cheek-_

and his eyes fly open.

The first thing he's aware of is the overpowering _heat_ , mixed with a certain heaviness to the air, and he coughs, rolling over in an attempt to breathe easier. 

The second thing he's aware of is Minsoo sitting on top of him.

"We have to go," Minsoo gasps, grasping his arm and yanking him off the bed. "We gotta- we gotta go, right now."

He shoves a bag into Daehyun's arms, and the younger man blinks, bewildered.

"Wha- my guitar-"

"You can't play guitar if you're fucking _dead_ , Daehyun!"

Minsoo yanks Daehyun out of the door, and the younger man can clearly see the issue now - smoke fills the air, enough to make his eyes water, and he gasps for air, to no avail.

"Keep going," Minsoo growls, and it's only his grip on Daehyun's wrist that keeps him moving forwards. "C'mon, c'mon-"

A ball of fire shoots through the air and smashes into the wall, causing Daehyun to stumble. His pants catch fire as a result, and Minsoo pushes him forwards, stifling the flame with practiced motions.

Fuck, it _stings_.

"Parking lot," Minsoo gasps, gesturing for Daehyun to pull up the hem of his shirt. "There's a motorcycle. I have the keys."

Daehyun scrambles for the backpack, slinging it over his shoulders as he pulls up his shirt, and another flame rocks the space, causing him to stagger. Minsoo yanks him forwards, racing down the stairs, and Daehyun stumbles after him, in a daze.

A jet of water slams into his back, and Daehyun slams into Minsoo, knocking the pair to the ground.

 _Fuck_.

"Well, looks like we found them."

Daehyun stumbles to his feet, pulling Minsoo upright and spinning to face the source of the voice. He can hear Minsoo's sneakers pounding against pavement behind him, and if he can just buy a _little time_ -

all the air leaves his lungs.

He gasps for breath, only to find none available. It's like... someone pulled the air out of his lungs.

 _Air manipulation_.

Were he not dying, this would be the coolest thing ever.

Through the encroaching haze, he can make out three figures - three of the four people from the stage, then? - and he falls to his knees, legs unable to support his weight any longer.

Black spots dance in his vision as his lungs _scream_ for air, and his head pounds to the rhythm of his heartbeat. 

He's going to die here, isn't he?

_"Daehyun-ah!"_

An arm wraps around his waist and the airlock dissipates, letting him gasp lungfuls of air. 

"Wha-"

"Grab on!" Minsoo shouts, and Daehyun shakes his head, forcing his addled mind to focus.

Grab on. Grab onto Minsoo. 

He grabs fistfuls of Minsoo's shirt, holding on for dear life as the elder revs the engine. This isn't _exactly_ how he expected this to go - but then again, he's not even sure _what_ he expected in the first place. 

"How- _go after them_!" one of the people shouts, and Daehyun wraps his arms around Minsoo's waist, burying his face in the elder's shoulder. 

The wind whips through his hair, and Minsoo swerves erratically, trying to avoid cars as well as their pursuer's attacks. Daehyun catches sight of a pair of flying fireballs, and he buries his face back in Minsoo's neck, trying to ignore the fact that they could, very likely, die.

"I need you to trust me!" Minsoo shouts, and Daehyun freezes. 

"What?"

"Trust me!"

"...okay!"

The motorcycle leaps forwards, the earth passing by at dizzying speeds, and Daehyun's pretty certain he's going to puke if this doesn't stop and puke if it does.

"Don't scream!" Minsoo shouts, and Daehyun stares at him, because _what_? "Three... two..."

Holy fuck, Minsoo's steering into that oil tanker.

"...one!"

The second their bike slams into the oil tanker, Daehyun goes flying, momentarily weightless as they arc through the air. The harsh roar of an explosion provides the backdrop as they slide underneath a stopped car, and Daehyun falls silent, trying to ignore the stinging in his arm and leg. 

"...where did they go?"

"Are you dense? Do you require assistance working your brain? The tanker _exploded_. They're _dead_."

"...I can still feel their presence..."

" _Nothing_ could've survived that blast, Thy. _Nothing_."

"You saw what the white one did. He broke my air lock. Nobody should've been able to do that."

"Air manipulation doesn't do shit for explosions-"

"Oh my _god_ , Nisitus, you can't just ask people why they're white-"

"Shut _up_ , both of you. I'm calling Celios."

Daehyun holds perfectly still, unwilling to move even an inch for fear of discovery. Minsoo's still unconscious, and he's starting to feel a bit worried, but it's _Minsoo_. He probably took a look at death and closed the door in its face.

(or so he tells himself.)

"You let them live?"

A pause.

"Goddammit Celios..."

Another pause.

"Absyronis blew them up. Nothing could've survived that blast."

Yet another pause. Daehyun likes to imagine he's only hearing half of a conversation.

"You and your fucking honor, Celios. It'll be the death of you someday. Idiot."

A heavy sigh.

"C'mon. Let's head back."

"Sure thing, Nisi~!"

"Don't call me that."

Daehyun's not sure how long he lies there, unwilling to move a muscle, but by the time he moves, it's at least midday.

He leans over to tap Minsoo's cheek, gaze flitting anxiously to the road. "Hyung. Yah, hyung."

Minsoo doesn't stir.

Daehyun crawls out from under the car, blinking up at the sun before heading for Minsoo's side. He grasps the elder man's hand and pulls-

 _big_ fucking mistake.

Minsoo jolts awake with a tortured scream, and _god_ , Daehyun feels horrible for _ever_ complaining about some scratches, because Minsoo's arm is broken to _fuck_ , to the point where Daehyun can see the _bone_.

"Oh, fuck," Daehyun breathes, gripping Minsoo's shirt and dragging him out. "Oh, god, hyung-"

There's a deep gash up Minsoo's thigh, and a series of cuts on the side of his face - all on the side that hit the ground. How fast was that bike _going_?

"It hurts," Minsoo gasps, tears breaking through the dried blood on his cheek. "Dae-"

"It's gonna be okay," Daehyun promises, gripping Minsoo's good hand for dear life. "You'll- you'll be okay, I promise!"

He's lying.

Minsoo's losing a _lot_ of blood, and from what Daehyun can guess, there're a lot of things wrong on the inside, as well.

He has to do something.

He has to.

He pulls his water bottle out of his bag - why Minsoo grabbed _that_ , he'll never know - and uncaps it with shaking hands, pouring it liberally over the broken arm. Minsoo _screams_ , trying to jerk out of the way, but Daehyun holds him down, pushing him back to the ground with an arm across his shoulders.

He has to do something.

He closes his eyes, trying to think of what he can do. A splint? Stitches? Anything?

Something nags at the back of his mind - a third option? - but he's not aware enough to tell what it is. All he knows is that he has to fix this.

He has to heal him.

And with that-

something slams into place. 

The roar of the ocean fills his ears, and for a moment, all Daehyun can smell is sea salt. It's like- some missing piece of him snapped into place, and he feels _whole_.

He presses his hand to the injury, almost on autopilot, and Minsoo jolts, a weak, defeated sob slipping through his lips. _God_ , he feels awful, but he shuts his eyes, letting the new heat pool in his hands.

Minsoo screams once more, and Daehyun opens one eye, only to be met with the sight of Minsoo's arm knitting itself back together. And... it's _disgusting_ , yes, but also relieving.

"Stop," Minsoo begs, shaking his head as tears stream down his cheeks. "Daehyun, _please!"_

"I'm sorry," Daehyun gasps, though he doesn't move his hand. "It'll be okay, I promise-"

Minsoo's form goes slack, and Daehyun's relieved to see he's passed out. He reaches up for the elder's head (knowing somehow that fully healing this fracture isn't something he can do) and brushes his fingers over the scratches on his cheek, relieved when his hands come away clean. 

He can hear the roar of the ocean growing louder now, threatening to envelop him, but he can't surrender himself to its call without knowing Minsoo's safe. He presses his hand to the gash on Minsoo's thigh, grinning as it knits itself together, and once that's done, there's nothing left to tether him to reality.

He surrenders to the distant roar of the ocean, eyes fluttering shut as he falls to the asphalt.

* * *

_He sees things._

_A katana - the blade bloodied. Minsoo, arm in a sling and a playful smile on his lips. Dongho, expression screwed up in concentration. Jaewon, face lit by streaking tunnel lights._

_And then, longer snatches._

_Jaewon bumping their foreheads together, fingers tracing over his cheekbones and a desperate sort of hope in his eyes._

_Minsoo, interlacing their hands and squeezing once - a silent promise._

_Dongho's face buried in his shoulder, gripping him like he'll disappear if he loosens his grip even slightly._

_It feels nice. Like- like home._

_He lets himself fall into the thoughts, shattered fragments dancing around him in an endless, dizzying storm, and oh-_

_does this end happily, after all?_

* * *

His first words after waking up are the stunningly coherent "nngh?"

"Welcome back, Anchovy," someone teases, and Daehyun raises his head, only to see he's been thrown over Minsoo's shoulder.

"Wazzgoin'on?"

"You passed out," Minsoo shrugs, and Daehyun rolls his eyes.

"Mhm. Got that."

"So I'm carrying you."

"I- I can walk on my own!"

"I don't think so," Minsoo hums, and Daehyun sighs, resigning himself to his fate.

"...how are you even carrying me?"

"Wha- _rude_! I can carry you! I have muscles!"

"Hyung, I'm, like... fifteen centimeters taller."

" _Thirteen!_ You _know_ it's thirteen!"

"Mhm."

"I'm using my _magic_ to do it, to answer your question. You're like... a really heavy noodle."

" _Noodle_?"

"Am I wrong?"

Daehyun sighs, sagging back against Minsoo's back. "...how's your arm?"

"The bone's back inside the skin," Minsoo replies, and Daehyun nods. "I think it's still broken, so I'd like to get a cast, but I don't know."

"Where are you gonna get a cast, hyung?"

"...I will get medical tape and gauze."

"Where are you gonna find gauze?"

"I will get medical tape."

"There aren't any hospitals around here."

"Tape."

Daehyun holds his poker face for a moment before breaking down into peals of laughter, and Minsoo doubles over, giving Daehyun the chance to climb off his back. "Oh my god, hyung," he gasps, shaking his head. "You _cannot_ use duct tape on a _broken arm_."

"Try and stop me," Minsoo grins, jogging down the road. 

"Wha- hyung! No! No duct tape!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minsoo: do you want to die or do you want your guitar  
> daehyun: i want the guitar
> 
> next chapter is side a, and for all you concerned, i can neither confirm nor deny dongho being dead
> 
> i mean i can i just. won't. because what's the fun there?
> 
> on an unrelated note, this chapter title is from heroine - i listen to the oneus/the boyz cover religiously. imma start putting them in i think bc every title is based off a song. you get cookies if you can guess them all!!!
> 
> by which i mean author cookies because i have no money
> 
> i'll shout you out in next chapter's notes! ^^ good luck!


	18. a side: i am the lucky one

Jaewon wrings out the cloth into the basin, grimacing at the amount of accumulated sweat. He managed to lug Dongho around a half-mile before collapsing (looks like minsoo was right about _that_ , at least) and dragged him into a hospital, up a flight of stairs (which wasn't fun for _either_ of them) and into an examination room.

By that point, he had to lie down for a few minutes before actually trying to help, but that's on him.

He flicks on the sink, dampening the cloth once more before placing it back on Dongho's forehead. Hopefully Dongho doesn't wake up before he's back - if he does, Jaewon does _not_ want to deal with the whole lecture - but he leaves a note nonetheless.

As much as he really, _really_ doesn't want to leave, he knows he has to. Their things are still in the rubble of the building, and he wants to see if anything survived.

(he hopes something did. if nothing else - for the way minsoo looked, handing him the books, all shy and bewildered and hopeful. he wants to read them.)

That's another thing- how are they meant to make it home? The others are undoubtedly awake by now, and Jaewon doesn't trust himself to drive out of the city - not when it's definitely being monitored. 

He jogs down the steps and melts the lock of a stray bike, swinging his legs over it and pedaling off. 

Hopefully his sense of direction is passable.

(please, god, let it be passable.)

In the distance, he can hear the roar of wind and water - a storm's coming, then - and he pulls his hoodie over his head, pedaling even faster.

God, Dongho's gonna fucking _kill him_.

By the time rain starts pelting down, he's at the wreckage site, pulling apart stone with his bare hands. His palms _ache_ , and he distantly recalls forgetting to put disinfectant on them - he'll do that later, then.

The rain makes the stone slick, and he keeps losing his grip on the rubble. He tries flicking on his lighter, but it sputters out with a sad little wisp of smoke, and he stuffs it back in his pocket, by now shivering profusely.

 _"Go home!"_ his voice of reason (that sounds suspiciously like dongho) cries, and he shakes his head, turning his attention back to the rubble.

The book. The hoodie. His plushie.

He has to find them.

Rain splashes in his eyes, and he shakes his head, wet locks slapping him in the face. His pants are absolutely _drenched_ , and for a moment, he envies the rest of his group.

(he wouldn't make them come out here for a million dollars, but _god_ does he wish he was dry.)

He wrings out his hair as he shoves another piece of rubble to the side, and _oh_ -

it's the corner of a duffel bag.

He wrenches it out of its hole, tugging at the strap until it gives, and he falls flat on his ass, blinking wearily at the pile of rubble.

Hey, at least he found it?

(look on the bright side, jaewon. things are looking up.)

He considers the position he's in, and chokes on a laugh, swinging the bag over his shoulder. He's biking through town, _still fucking shirtless_ , it's _raining_ , and his hyung - the only other person who knows where he is - is possibly _dying_.

Great plan, Jaewon. This is going great.

There may be no thunder while he bikes back to the hospital, so it's not a _real_ storm, but Jaewon's pretty certain the rain didn't get the memo. His shoes squelch against the tile as he makes his way inside, and he's shivering like a leaf in the wind, hugging himself as his teeth chatter. 

This is _miserable_.

He trudges up the stairs and plunks his bag on the ground, relieved to see Dongho's still breathing. He yanks on one of Daehyun's sweatshirts (and absolutely does not press his nose to the hood, hoping to smell something like home) and starts to rummage through the cabinets, scowling as his hands leave crimson streaks on the handles. 

Fuck.

His head pounds, and he fumbles the cabinet's contents, blood smearing over packages as he searches for the gauze. 

He has to find it.

Tears sting his eyes, and he blinks them away, biting his lower lip in hopes of staving off tears. He just... he just needs a little bit of time. 

He needs someone else.

He needs- he needs _help_. He needs someone to find him. He needs Minsoo and Daehyun.

A ragged sob escapes his lips, and he rests his forehead against a cabinet, tears streaking down his cheeks as his eyes flutter shut.

He's the lucky one, isn't he?

He's okay. He's not worrying like Minsoo and Daehyun. He's not _dying_ like Dongho.

He's lucky.

And because- because of the random lottery he's drawn, he has to fix this. He has to make this better.

Dongho's not bleeding anymore, but he isn't waking up either. Jaewon abandons his search for gauze (god, his head _throbs_ ) and stumbles towards the exam table, catching himself on the armrest.

 _Fuck_.

He manages to make it to the trashcan in time to vomit, and he sends a silent apology to whoever has to clean it up.

He then, of course, remembers there's nobody _left_ to clean said thing up, and wants to scream.

The dim light filtering through the window makes it nigh-impossible to see, and he smears blood over the contents of his bag (why was he looking for gauze, again?) as he yanks out a t-shirt, quickly tearing it into shreds and wrapping it around Dongho's head wound. The eldest doesn't stir, and Jaewon thanks his lucky stars as he tears up the rest, wrapping it around Dongho's shoulder. 

The sound of boots clicking on tile rings through the air.

Jaewon wheels, gaze pinned on the shadow he can see through the door, and he falls to his knees, the fight draining out of him.

"Jun," he breathes, voice harsh and rasping in the absolute quiet. "Jun-ah, please... _please_..."

Nobody responds.

Jaewon counts the footsteps, gaze pinned on his chipped and bloody nails - one, two, three, four, five, six, seven - and when he raises his head, the blue-haired one stands in front of him, hair tied in a ponytail and fury burning in his eyes.

"Please," Jaewon breathes, and the man takes a step forwards, withdrawing a sword from his sheath. "Please..."

A small pause.

"Is he going to die?"

The man flicks his sword towards Dongho's unconscious form, and Jaewon stares at him, dumbstruck. "Answer me."

"I don't know," Jaewon gasps, and the man's eyes narrow.

"...if anyone asks, I was never here."

"Wh..."

Jaewon trails off, eyes wide, and the man stuffs his hands in his pockets, biting his lower lip. "I figure... two dead is probably enough for one day."

Two dead?

"Two... dead?"

"Yeah. They drove their bike into a tanker."

No.

Not Minsoo and Daehyun.

_Nonononono._

Jaewon blinks, gaze focusing on the tears splattering on the backs of his hands. 

Oh.

When did he start crying?

The sound of retreating footsteps rings through the air, and Jaewon curls in on himself, wrapping his arms around his knees as he tries to remember how to breathe.

He could've done it.

He could've killed Celi.

He could've- he could've stopped Dongho from getting hurt. If he had- if he had killed Celi, Dongho wouldn't have gotten hurt, and they could've gone back to help Minsoo and Daehyun.

But now Dongho's dying, and Minsoo and Daehyun are dead.

All because of him.

 _They're dead because of him_.

Dongho- Dongho's going to die, and Jaewon's going to be alone, and _why why why_ is it that Jaewon's having issues with that? He's been alone for ages, for _years_ , why- why have things changed?

(because he's selfish.)

"I'm sorry," Jaewon gasps, reaching up to grip Dongho's freezing fingers. "I'm sorry, hyung, hyung, _please_ wake up-"

Dongho doesn't stir.

* * *

When Jaewon next wakes, it's to the sunrise.

He pushes himself upright, raking a hand through his hair and grimacing at the puffy wounds on his hands. His head feels like someone pummeled him with a sledgehammer - though, honestly, that's the norm now - and Dongho still hasn't moved.

He actually needs to find some disinfectant, doesn't he?

He stumbles into the hall, gripping the doorframe for support, and he screws his eyes shut, trying to imagine something reassuring.

_"Yah. Ahn Jaewon. Are you really gonna let something as stupid as a few cuts take you down?"_

That's not very reassuring, actually.

He presses his nose into the fabric of his hoodie and imagines Daehyun - not the angry, jagged Daehyun he knows (knew), but the one who'd build him up and help him walk when he couldn't do it alone.

_"C'mon, hyungie. We're just gonna get a few bandages, okay?"_

Right.

Moving forwards.

He imagines Daehyun's arm wrapped around his waist as he stumbles towards the end of the hall, imagines Minsoo jogging up ahead of him with a bright smile on his face.

( _you'renevergonnaseethemagain'causethey'redead-_ )

He reaches up to scrub the tears from his eyes, focusing instead on Dongho.

Dongho, who's not dead.

Dongho, who can't be dead.

He won't let it happen.

He grasps a package of gauze and stumbles back to Dongho's hospital room, noting his bleeding hands with a level of detached disdain. He would wrap them - but then again, he's not entirely certain he has the gauze to spare.

Anyways. Dongho comes first.

(dongho always comes first.)

He brushes a lock of blood-coated hair from the elder's face, pressing his hand to his forehead. Jaewon may run hot, but he's sure Dongho is _painfully_ cold.

His mind trips over itself, and he's not sure if he's hallucinating Dongho being alive or not, not sure if his hyung is really dead (and he's alone, his mind throwing up this thin veneer of hope to try and protect him from the reality of a horrible lonely world) or if he's alive, or if he's somewhere in between.

There's dried blood on Dongho's forehead, and he flicks on the sink with shaking hands, scrubbing at his palms and watching crimson spiral down the drain. His hands sting - his hands sting and his head aches and he's falling apart at the seams - and he wraps them in towels, pulling out a third and dampening it. 

He cleans the blood off with slow, dream-like movements, white towel stained red (and why do hospitals invest in white, anyways? is it an attempt to appeal to some sort of hope? to make patients feel better as they die? all it does is make the blood look redder) and hands shaking.

It's a strange thing, Jaewon distantly muses - being unable to trust what your eyes are telling you. One moment, Dongho's pale-white, a corpse on a morgue bed, and the next, his cheeks are flushed with life.

(jaewon can't tell which is true - if either is. maybe he's dead.)

He shakes his head - an action that only makes it throb further - and he pulls a chair in from the hall, taking a seat by Dongho's side.

"Hyung," he rasps, interlacing his fingers with Dongho's.

(warm, cold, warm, cold- what part is jaewon and what part is dongho?)

"Hyung," he repeats, squeezing his hand - though it's not as if that'll make any sort of difference. "Please-"

His voice fails him, and he presses his forehead to Dongho's hand, tears stinging his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers, though were it any louder, it'd be a wail. "I'm so- I'm so sorry, hyung."

This is his fault.

This is all his fault.

( _maybe it's for the best minsoo and daehyun are dead_ , a dark, traitorous part of his mind whispers. _do you think they'd ever want anything to do with you if they knew you killed their hyung?_ )

He lets go of Dongho's hand, scrubbing at his cheeks in an attempt to regain his composure. 

It should be him.

He should be dying on that table. He should've died in an explosion.

Any of them would be better. Minsoo wouldn't be breaking down like this. Daehyun would've actually killed the person he was supposed to. Dongho-

Another tear slips down his cheek, and he scrubs it away, trying to ignore the crushing _grief_ that wants nothing more than to make its presence known.

 _God,_ he's a fucking mess.

Because for all Jaewon's grown accustomed to being alone, he's never been this crushingly _lonely_ before, and as such, he has no idea how the hell to handle this.

"Please," he begs, though he knows it won't do a thing. "Hyung, please... please wake up."

Dongho doesn't move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jaewon has a lot of feelings jesus christ
> 
> also see i told you i'd tell you whether dongho was alive or not. i think that really cleared it up.
> 
> chapter title from exo's lucky one


	19. b side: oh it's killing me how fear is holding me down, but i wanna hold you

Daehyun flops on the window seat with a weary sigh, tucking his knees to his chest as his eyelids droop. "Ah..."

Minsoo heads for the counter, lips curled in a grimace. "There's a hospital downtown. We can go there."

"We also need to pick up some stuff to fight with," Daehyun points out, gaze straying to the abandoned street. "I mean..."

"I was gonna suggest it anyways, until..."

Minsoo trails off, gaze distant. "Where did they go?"

Daehyun-

honestly has no clue.

"Why would they just- just leave like that?"

The memory of the night prior reappears, unbidden, and Daehyun realizes _exactly_ what happened.

"They drugged us."

Minsoo's eyes widen, horror evident, before narrowing in acknowledgement. "They did," he acquiesces, "but... why?"

"I don't know," Daehyun murmurs, resting his head against the glass. "I guess they didn't want us to follow them?"

Minsoo scowls, and a book flies across the room, slamming into the glass just above Daehyun's head. "Oops?"

Daehyun rolls his eyes, plucking the book out of the air and placing it on a wayward stack. "This is literally the least surprising part about you being able to control wind, y'know."

"Wha- what's the _most_ surprising part?"

"Not telling."

Minsoo sighs, sliding down the counter and wrapping his good arm around his knees. "I just... do you think they're okay?"

"It's _Dongho-hyung_ ," Daehyun replies, and Minsoo's lips quirk into a half-grin. "I don't think he knows the _meaning_ of death."

"You're probably right."

Minsoo sighs, reaching up to ruffle his hair. "You sure you can't heal my arm?"

"You're not bleeding out," Daehyun dryly replies, "so I think I already did."

"Wow, okay, rude."

"I saved your life! I'm allowed to be rude!"

"I saved your life first! And twice!"

"What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of me saving your life."

"Yah, Kim Daehyun! I'm your hyung!"

"My hyung who would be dead without me-"

" _Yah!_ "

* * *

"Are you sure you're doing this right?"

Minsoo stares at Daehyun, skepticism evident, and Daehyun rolls his eyes.

"I'm sorry if I can't make a hospital-grade sling out of _pharmacy supplies_ , hyung."

It's pretty clear that the "hyung" tacked on is more derisive than anything else, but Minsoo accepts it.

Daehyun hoists him into his arms (and minsoo's heart does a tiny little flip-floppy thing at that) and plunks him down on the pharmacy counter, winking at him. "I'll be right back! Don't move!"

"Wha- Dae-"

He's already gone.

Minsoo sighs, staring down at the monstrosity of tape that is his arm. It's a good effort, to be sure, and he definitely appreciates it, but it looks... like a first-grader's art project.

Actually, that's being generous.

"Hey Dae?" he calls, not expecting a response. "How do I get this off?"

"Magic!" Daehyun shouts, voice distant. 

Honestly, he's not even surprised anymore.

Daehyun jogs back over, a bat slung over his shoulder and a sharpie in his hands. Minsoo stares at him, one eyebrow arched, and Daehyun grins in response, apparently seeing nothing wrong with this pairing of items.

"What's with the bat?"

"Well," Daehyun states, leaning the bat against the counter, "you used a bat in our concept photos, so I thought it would be funny to get one for you."

He is... not surprised in the slightest.

"What about the pen?"

Daehyun grins, uncapping it. "I'm gonna sign your cast!"

"No," Minsoo hisses, sliding back.

"C'mon, hyung-"

"Dae-"

"It'll be fun-"

"That's not a real cast-"

"Just let me-"

Daehyun winds up climbing on the counter himself and _sitting on top of Minsoo_ to stop him from moving. If he could actually breathe, it would be adorable.

"Hmm," Daehyun hums, yanking Minsoo's arm over to get a better angle. _Pain_ rushes through the injured limb, and Minsoo howls, thrashing wildly under Daehyun in an attempt to _get away_ from the hurt, and Daehyun immediately lets go of the injured limb, letting Minsoo pull it back to his chest.

"Bad idea!" the youngest shouts, placing his hand over the injured limb. "Yep, yep, bad idea, I'm sorry, hyung-"

"I'm fine," Minsoo grits out, and Daehyun stares at him, expression disbelieving.

"You wanna say you're fine? After that?"

"Yep," Minsoo hisses, and Daehyun rolls his eyes. 

"Mhm. Sure."

He climbs off Minsoo and gingerly lifts his injured arm, fingertips skimming over the tape-cast. "I don't think there's anything I can do..."

"Advil," Minsoo gasps, and Daehyun blinks at him.

"Is it getting any better?"

"A little?"

"I'll go get Advil."

When Daehyun returns, Minsoo thinks he must've brought half the painkiller section. Boxes and bottles spill over his arms, and he dumps the entire mass to the floor, chucking whatever boxes aren't Advil to the side.

"Jesus," Minsoo breathes, watching as Daehyun pegs a stuffed dog and sends it flying. "Dae, you can calm down-"

"Found it!" Daehyun crows, and Minsoo winces as something pops. "Oh, shit-"

"Daehyun-ah, did you just burst a water pipe?"

"Probably. It doesn't matter! Take your Advil!"

"Yes, mom," Minsoo teases, twisting open the bottle and pulling out a tablet. He swallows it dry, plunking the bottle back on the table, and rakes his good hand through his hair, casting his gaze towards the ceiling. "Ugh. I feel like something just ran me over."

"I think you ran yourself over, hyung."

"Just 'cause it's true doesn't mean you have to say it."

"Actually, that means I do."

Daehyun hops up on the counter next to him, a dopey grin on his lips as he stares into Minsoo's eyes. 

"What're you looking at?"

"Your eyes."

Minsoo grins, leaning over to stare into Daehyun's. "Well? Whaddya think of them?"

"They're pretty nice," Daehyun faintly replies, and Minsoo grins, leaning in even closer. 

"Hmm?"

Daehyun seems to have forgotten what human functions are, and Minsoo grins, brushing their noses together.

"What's wrong, Dae-yah?"

 _Jesus_ , the last two days have been bad for Daehyun's heart. First there was Dongho, being all suave, and then there was Jaewon, being sweet and kind and adorable, and now-

Minsoo's lips meet his, and his mind shuts up.

Minsoo kisses like he moves, Daehyun distantly muses, full of fire and purpose and _drive_ \- the same drive he fell for in the first place, the same drive that drew him into the company in the first place - and so, so different from Dongho - where the eldest treats him like the most breakable porcelain, Minsoo treats him like a crash dummy, something made to be destroyed, and it's _intoxicating_ \- in a way that feels comforting.

He reaches up to cup the elder's cheeks, pulling him closer, and Minsoo's good arm slides over his shoulder, helping him pull himself into Daehyun's lap. The elder grins at him, and Daehyun stares, thoroughly bewildered as to what the fuck he's supposed to do.

"Did you like that?"

Daehyun nods, rendered mute, and Minsoo's grin turns downright devilish, the elder man sliding off his lap and onto the floor. 

"Great. Let's get those clothes and our dinner, hmm?"

A small scream escapes Daehyun's lips as Minsoo picks up the bat, hefting it over his shoulder and jogging towards the food section.

What?

What?

_What?_

"Hyung!" Daehyun calls, scrambling off the counter and racing after him. "Hyung! Wait! What was that? Does your arm feel better? _Hyung_!"

* * *

"How do I look?"

Minsoo spins around, a leather jacket hanging off one shoulder, and Daehyun gives him a silent thumbs-up.

"What, no comment?"

Minsoo shucks off the jacket, glaring at his broken arm as though it's personally offended him; which, knowing Minsoo, it probably has. "You okay?"

"What..."

Daehyun trails off, unable to shake the memory of Dongho's lips from his mind. "What do you want, hyung?"

"Is this about Dongho-hyung?"

Minsoo gingerly tugs the sleeve of a bomber jacket over his injured arm, tilting his head back to grin at Daehyun. "If it makes you feel any better, I like him too."

Daehyun forgets how to breathe.

"He's so _hot_ ," Minsoo bemoans, sticking his other arm through the sleeve. It's _massive_ on him - looking more like something that would fit Daehyun than him - but Minsoo grins nonetheless, stuffing his hands into its pockets. "How do I look? Badass fighter pilot?"

"Sure," Daehyun shrugs, and Minsoo's eyes flash, hand straying towards the bat leaning against the wall. "Hey-hey-hey! You look great! No need for the bat!"

Minsoo grins, pulling off his jacket and striding across the space to drape it over Daehyun's head. "You should wear it!"

"Wha- why?"

"That's a thing partners do, right? Share jackets?"

Minsoo grins, pointing at Daehyun - or at the jacket. Daehyun isn't entirely sure. "Besides! Doesn't being badass fighter pilots sound fun?"

"It does," Daehyun grants, pulling on the jacket. It's a bit short in the arms, and doesn't quite brush his hips, but Minsoo seems _so damn proud_ of himself, honestly. "Do you wanna be in the Air Force?"

"Bitch, I am the Air Force."

Daehyun snorts, and Minsoo's lips purse into a pout, a gust of air shooting through the changing rooms. "The Air Force _wishes_."

"Exactly," Minsoo grins, darting forwards to grab Daehyun's wrist. "C'mon! We gotta find you some clothes!"

* * *

"Mm. You know, the fans seem convinced you're seventy percent legs."

"Hm?" Daehyun asks, staring at his reflection. It's his aesthetic - jeans and a jean jacket over a band tee - just a newer, less bloodstained version. "What do you think?"

"I think they're a little low."

"Hm. Really?"

"Yah! I thought you were humble!"

"I'm actually thinking about it!"

" _Why are you actually thinking about it_?"

"Because I knew there was _something_ great about me, and apparently it's my legs!"

"It's your winning personality," Minsoo states, lounging against the wall. "Truly."

" _Hey_!"

Minsoo dances out of Daehyun's grasp, a playful glint in his eyes. "Betcha can't catch me!"

"I have longer legs," Daehyun grins, and Minsoo pales.

"Oh, shit."

He's about to run away when Daehyun's stomach grumbles, and their gazes lock, a silent question in Minsoo's eyes.

"Instant ramen?" Daehyun proposes, and Minsoo nods.

* * *

"...y'know, I don't know why we thought you could heat instant ramen over a fire like a can of beans."

"Yeah, this was a pretty bad idea."

* * *

If Daehyun is water - smooth, calm, placid - Minsoo is wind - always moving, always flying, always _driven_ to go somewhere - and it scares Daehyun, a little bit - the thought that someday Minsoo will go somewhere he can't follow - but that isn't today, is it?

Minsoo balances along the side of the river, lips pursed in concentration, and Daehyun follows him at a more sedate pace, the thrumming of the river matching the beat of his heart. It's calming - his mind enveloped in the water in the pipes of the skyscrapers and in the river beneath the sidewalk - and Minsoo grins at him, childish, impish, _free_.

"Y'know, I always thought I'd like to bring someone on a date here."

Daehyun sputters - _date_ is a word he never thought he'd hear directed at him without the added connotation of "do you think Jaewon/Dongho would take me on a", and hearing Minsoo say that so _genuinely_ -

"Date?"

"I never asked, but I assumed."

Minsoo sticks his arms out, and Daehyun clicks his tongue, gaze falling to the elder's tape-wrapped arm. "Don't do anything to hurt your arm, hyung-"

"Calm _down_ ," Minsoo grins, and Daehyun's eyebrow twitches.

"I thought you were supposed to be the responsible one here?"

"You and I both know that's not true~"

"Unfortunately," Daehyun dryly remarks, gaze flitting up towards the sky. "Look, hyung, it's gonna rain."

"So?" Minsoo asks, hopping to another level of the barrier.

" _So_ , I don't want you to catch a cold."

"You care?"

It's said in jest, but Daehyun's heart twinges a little at it nonetheless.

"Of course, hyung. C'mon. Let's go inside."

* * *

"Well," Minsoo states, watching as the rain patters on the pavement, "I think we're gonna have to walk home in the rain."

Daehyun almost laughs at that - what _is_ home, even? A dusty dorm? The ashes of a motel? - but doesn't, instead opting to move a bit closer and fiddle with the umbrella.

"What?"

"I have an umbrella," Daehyun states, and Minsoo quirks a brow.

"You can control water, Dae."

"I have an umbrella," Daehyun repeats, and Minsoo grins, leaning into his side. 

"Umbrella away, then, Dae-yah."

He unfolds the umbrella and holds it over Minsoo's head, the elder picking up his bat and leaning into Daehyun's side. They walk along the river - already swollen with rain, a whirring, spinning torrent of water and something close to pain - and Daehyun stares down at Minsoo, the latter's gaze fixed on the river.

"Hyung?"

He's not sure what possesses him to say it - nor what possesses him to stop, turning to face Minsoo - but here, with the roar of the river in the background and the rain pelting down, he makes a choice.

"Will you kiss me?"

Minsoo grins - crooked, adorable - and drops his bat, knocking the umbrella out of Daehyun's hand. "I thought we established you don't have to ask?"

"Yeah," Daehyun responds, "but you're short."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Minsoo protests, and there's rain seeping into his hair, rivulets rolling down his cheeks, and it's not Dongho or Jaewon, but _god_ , does his heart beat the same. "You're freakishly tall and I don't-"

Daehyun wraps his arm around Minsoo's back and pulls him close, bending down to press a kiss to his lips.

(he still feels like he's floating - lost somewhere in between the motorcycle and the tape - and he fears he'll wake up and see this was _never_ real, just a figment of his imagination-)

"Suave jackass," Minsoo grouses, his hair sticking to his forehead and a smile somewhere between taunting and loving on his lips. "You thought you could get the drop on me like that?"

"Did it work?"

"Not as well as you think."

"So it did."

"Wha- where's this confidence coming from?"

"Oh, this is just sheer panic."

"Really? Me too."

"Mood."

"Kiss me again?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daehyun: i wanna kiss him  
> me: no  
> daehyun: how bout i do anyway
> 
> this chapter is really jumpy what even but hey at least it's soft compared to jaewon's hot mess  
> which is only gonna get messier  
> yay
> 
> lyrics from eaj's pacman


	20. a side: i've been trying all my life to separate the time in between having it all and giving it up

When Jaewon wakes up, he finds himself somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness.

His stomach growls, reminding him of his hunger - it's been... a while? since he last ate - and his gaze flits to the clock, only to see it's stopped working.

He has no idea what time it is, but the sun is shining, so the storm must've passed. _God_ , his head _throbs_ , and he's willing to bet that's partially due to dehydration - he and Minsoo have _no_ idea what self care is - but also likely due to caffeine withdrawal.

He's a mess.

He pushes himself upright, gaze landing on Dongho's unconscious form (please let him just be unconscious) and he leans forwards, pressing two fingers to the elder's neck.

He waits a moment, then-

_B-Bmp. B-Bmp._

A choked sob escapes his lips, and he throws his arms around Dongho's neck, burying his face in sweaty and blood-caked hair.

He's alive.

He's alive, and he might not be waking up, but he's _alive_.

"Jae... won?"

Oh, god.

Jaewon pulls back, something between excitement and terror racing through his veins at the sight of Dongho - fox eyes slightly open, lips parted, cheeks flushed - _awake_.

"Hyung," he gasps, tears streaking down his cheeks. "Oh my god, hyung- don't move! I'll- I'll grab some food."

He presses Dongho back into the padded table, all but sprinting out of the room and towards a vending machine. His head pulses in time with his footsteps - a _thud-thud-thud_ almost as fast as his racing heart - and he skids to a stop in front of the powerless machines, gaze flitting to his torn-up hands.

Ah, well. Once more can't hurt.

* * *

"What happened to your hands?"

Dongho's brain isn't exactly moving _quickly_ \- in fact, it's more like slow molasses - but he'd have to be an idiot to miss the numerous cuts and scratches on Jaewon's hands, some slightly healed, some fresh and bleeding.

Jaewon blinks at him, gaze falling to his hands and then back to Dongho. "Punched the vending machine."

He does... not sound okay.

"Jaewon-ah," Dongho states, propping himself up on his elbows before the younger pushes him back down. "Jaewon-ah, you're hurt-"

"I'm fine," Jaewon states, passing Dongho a bag of chips. "Sorry I couldn't find anything more nutritious..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Jaewon hums, pulling open his own bag. "Mhm..."

He stares at his bag, expression dazed, and Dongho nudges his arm. "Wha-"

"You spaced out," Dongho states, and Jaewon scowls into his chips. "You don't look okay, Jaewon-ah."

It's the truth. The younger man looks like death warmed over, his red hair clumpy with blood and jeans similarly splattered. His eyes have a strange sort of hauntedness mixing with the daze, and he looks like he's expecting someone to attack him at any moment.

What did Dongho miss while he was out?

"Where's Minsoo-yah?" he settles on, taking a bite of one of the chips.

Jaewon's expression shutters, and he forces a grin, though it's clear it's disingenuous. "Back at the hotel."

He's lying.

"Jaewon-ah."

"You should get more rest," Jaewon smiles, and Dongho quirks a brow.

"You're not going to sleep, are you."

It's not a question.

"Ah... I suppose not."

There's something Jaewon isn't saying, Dongho knows. It's something that's more than the scraps of cloth winding around his forehead, more than the head injury he's so poorly hiding.

"Where's Minsoo, Jaewon?"

Jaewon stands, expression fully closed, and he smiles, plastic and _painfully_ phony. "I'm gonna go grab some water, 'kay?"

"Jaewon-"

but the younger's already gone.

* * *

As soon as Jaewon's feet touch on the tile of the first floor, he breaks down into a sob, back slamming against the wall as tears roll down his cheeks. He slides down the wall, pulling his knees to his chest, and a sob tears its way from his throat as he dwells on those two simple words.

_"Where's Minsoo?"_

How can he tell him?

How can he tell Dongho that Daehyun and Minsoo are dead?

How can he look in his hyung's eyes and tell him _he failed him_? Not only him, but _all_ of them - Dongho, Daehyun, Minsoo, Jun-

 _Jun_.

God, what would Jun think if he could see him now? They weren't close enough for Jaewon to be privy to that information, but he imagines it nonetheless.

 _"Hey,"_ his imaginary Jun greets, bending down in front of him. _"What're you crying for?"_

"I failed," Jaewon gasps, breath coming in quick gasps. It feels like a vice is squeezing his heart, and he chokes on a sob, burying his face in his knees.

 _"C'mon,"_ and now it's Minsoo's voice, a hand reaching under his chin and tipping it up, _"it'll be okay."_

"It won't," Jaewon sobs, leaning into a touch that isn't even there. "You're _dead_ -"

 _"You think that's gonna stop us?"_ Daehyun asks, plopping down on the ground next to Jaewon. _"You're stuck with us for life, Shark-hyungie!"_

Minsoo nods, moving over to sit on Jaewon's other side. _"Now- let's think about this a little, hmm?"_

Jaewon sucks in a shuddering breath, and Daehyun rubs his back - and it dawns on Jaewon how pathetic this is, him needing a figment of his imagination to comfort him. 

God, he's pathetic.

 _"You're not pathetic,"_ Daehyun scolds, flicking his forehead. _"If you're pathetic, then what about us?"_

"But-"

 _"Ssh,"_ Minsoo states, pressing a finger to his lips. _"Let's list some facts, 'kay?"_

"...okay."

_"Number one: Dongho loves you. Don't look at me like that- you know it's true."_

Jaewon's sure his expression must reflect his own doubts, and they're doubts this delusion-fueled Minsoo has full access to. _"You do deserve it, Jae-yah. And I know you won't trust me because I'm your own delusion and you think I'm only saying what you want to hear, but it's true."_

That is... a very paradoxal sentence.

 _"Yeah,"_ Daehyun affirms, and _god_ , Jaewon's heart _aches_ seeing them - even if it's only imperfect delusions. _"You deserve everything, Shark-hyung."_

"But-"

 _"Number two,"_ Minsoo continues, _"you're strong, Jae-yah. I know you can move past this."_

"But..."

 _"You,"_ Minsoo states, pressing a finger to Jaewon's chest, _"are one of the strongest and bravest people I know. You may not believe me, but it's the truth."_

 _"Always,"_ Daehyun affirms.

Jaewon sniffs (a bit pathetically) and he can imagine fingers carding through his hair, gently coaxing out the knots and the blood.

 _"Number three,"_ and Minsoo's voice is little more than a whisper now, _"we will always love you, Jae-yah, no matter what."_

 _"Yeah,"_ Daehyun murmurs, non-existent hand falling to cover Jaewon's own. _"Always."_

Jaewon sniffs once, twice, and reaches up to scrub his tears, acutely aware of the pain in his head and the dryness of his mouth. "...thank you."

Nobody responds.

(he didn't expect them to.)

* * *

Jaewon climbs the stairs with water cups in hand, trying not to splash any on the tile. Knowing him, he _will_ slip, and he _will_ fall down the stairs backwards and break his neck - somehow. God, he can hear Dongho scolding him already.

_"Yah! Jaewon-ah! How many times has hyung told you to be careful when you're carrying water?"_

He very nearly apologizes - then remembers this Dongho is a figment of his imagination, and chooses not to.

(he does send a silent prayer of apology to their poor beleaguered manager, though. dealing with the walking disasters that are daehyun and minsoo really is a full time job.)

He catches sight of Dongho - curled up on his side and oddly resembling a cat - and he smiles, pulling one of the jackets from his bag and draping it over the eldest's unconscious form.

It's nice to know he's asleep. It's nice to know he's asleep, nice to know he's alive, nice to know Jaewon hasn't lost his mind due to solitude and possible depression.

It's nice.

His gaze strays to the window, and he pulls up a chair, gazing out at the empty city. It's completely silent - and this city is _never_ silent - completely dark - and this city is _never_ dark. 

Perhaps it's this moment that hammers in just how _alone_ they are.

Ahn Jaewon and Kang Dongho. Alone against the world.

(that terrifies him, honestly. the thought that they're the last two humans left alive in the entire world - he genuinely cannot comprehend destruction of that magnitude.)

His gaze strays to the river, and he sighs, staring at the distant stripe of silver. Daehyun was always the one who loved the river - always loved water in _general_ , but especially quick-moving sources like rivers and storms - so maybe he'd like to go there some time.

He should ask Dongho, when he wakes up. Dongho will know better than him.

Jaewon takes another sip from his cup, gaze straying to the tallest skyscraper. _That's_ Minsoo's area, right there - his favorite place. Jaewon remembers how every time they'd pass it, Minsoo would point up at it and tell them that someday he'd make it to the top.

(he remembers it more for the sheer nausea on dongho's face at the suggestion than anything else, but minsoo's smile when he's excited for something isn't an easy thing to forget.)

Minsoo never got to see the view from the top, did he?

And it's _that_ \- that _realization_ \- that hammers it in. 

_Minsoo isn't going to get to do anything._

_Minsoo is dead._

He chokes on a sob, head falling into his hands. How- how can he keep _forgetting_?

Minsoo is _dead_ and Daehyun is _dead_ and they're _not coming back_. 

His heart _aches_ \- something akin to an old scar - and he curls up on the chair, burying his face in his knees. 

Dead.

They're _dead_.

Why does it-

why does it hurt so _bad_?

_"We will always love you."_

Oh.

_Oh._

That's- 

there's a name for this feeling, isn't there?

 _God_ , Jaewon's been so blind. So blind, so confident in his hubris, so _disbelieving_ -

how did he not realize?

How did he not realize this was what he wanted?

 _"MAYHEM is four,"_ Minsoo had always said, and when did Jaewon realize that meant more to him than it should?

He stares out at the empty city - out at the dark skyscrapers, out at the sunset-painted river and at the winding streets - and he _regrets_. He regrets not thinking about it, regrets not talking about it, regrets not knowing or taking his shot or asking _what happened_ between Dongho and Daehyun-

so many things he's done wrong.

His life is a plethora of _wouldashouldacoulda_ s and he _regrets_ , regrets it the same way he regrets ever going out that first night, regrets it the same way he regrets every single scandal he's ever played along to.

"Jae-yah?"

Dongho falls into the chair next to him, gaze pinned on the distant city, and Jaewon's gaze flickers to him - pale skin, shredded-cloth bandage, a jacket around his shoulders like a cape - and back to the city, losing himself in what once was.

"You should sleep."

Jaewon silently hands him the other cup, and Dongho takes a sip, gripping the plastic with both hands. 

"Hyung-"

Jaewon cuts himself off, and Dongho stares at him, dark eyes _so painfully sad_. "Hyung, I..."

Three words. Three syllables.

 _They are dead_.

Why is this so hard?

"Jae-"

"They're not at the hotel," Jaewon whispers, gaze pinned on the setting sun. "They're not- they're not there."

"...no."

"I'm sorry," Jaewon breathes, a tear arcing down his cheek. "I'm so sorry, hyung."

Dongho doesn't respond.

When Jaewon turns, he's met with an empty gaze. Dongho stares blankly at the city, eyes dull and lifeless, and _god_ , what did he expect?

Bottle it up, compartmentalize. That's Dongho's way of doing things.

"Please," Jaewon whispers, and Dongho doesn't turn. "Hyung, they're- they're dead."

No response.

"Say something," Jaewon begs, and Dongho's gaze slides to him, slow and blank. "Hyung, please say something."

Still no response.

"Hyung-"

"How?"

It's little more than a whisper, but Jaewon responds nonetheless.

"In- in an explosion. Minsoo drove their bike into a tanker."

The chair skids on the tile, and Jaewon doesn't lift his head as Dongho leaves, the door clicking shut behind him. 

He doesn't deserve Dongho staying. Doesn't- doesn't deserve a thing more than a slow and painful death.

Not when he failed Minsoo and Daehyun.

Not when he failed everyone.

Not when he failed Dongho.

(he's always been a fuck-up, a part of him muses. it's about time dongho finally realized it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jaewon imagining dae and minsoo instead of jun-  
> i didn't siGN UP FOR THIS AAAAA
> 
> things are getting... a lot worse. and will still get a lot worse.
> 
> please point out typos <3
> 
> chapter title from suga's interlude


	21. b side: the universe has moved for us without missing a single thing

It's fleeting moments that send Minsoo falling.

Daehyun - sitting cross-legged on a cushion, eyes shut as he sways in time to the gentle music ringing through the air. His fingers dance over the frets, and Minsoo knows he's not reading the music - rather, that he _is_ the music.

Dinner at a fancy restaurant - Daehyun cooks, and Minsoo helps where he can - painted in soft shades of candlelight, Daehyun's eyes barely visible behind his glasses. Minsoo pulls them off, then, places them on the table and smiles at him.

Going to the very top of a tall building - Daehyun watches him balance on the edge, a gentle smile on his lips as Minsoo toes the line between certain death and life - and Minsoo grabs his wrist, a single question on his mind.

_"Do you trust me?"_

And Daehyun - sweet, strong, storm-filled Daehyun - says yes.

The laughter spilling over Daehyun's lips as they arc through the air - momentary freefall before Minsoo catches them, his blond hair messy and hanging in a cloud around his head - and they drop into the river, the water cold but Daehyun's touch oh so warm.

Another chase - Minsoo jumps on top of a streetlight, and Daehyun climbs it like a goddamn monkey - until they're both sitting on top of a flimsy piece of metal, unable to see each other but knowing the other is present nonetheless.

And _god_ , it's both perfect and imperfect - because for as much as Minsoo loves Daehyun, his heart belongs just as wholly to Dongho and Jaewon - but they make it work.

It's that spirit that has Minsoo awake at five in the morning.

He untangles himself from Daehyun - the younger's hair sprawled over the hotel's sheets, lips slightly parted and arms wrapped around a pillow - and slips out of the room, the door shutting with a gentle "click" as he leaves.

He's going to make breakfast, goddammit.

It's an open secret that he's the worst in the group at self-care, and the one time he _did_ encounter a stove, he burned himself pretty badly, but he'll be damned if that stops him from trying again. After all, Daehyun can do it, so it can't be that hard, right?

He starts by locating his ingredients - melted butter, pancake mix, sugar, salt, eggs and flour - and pulls down a few bowls and measuring cups.

This is going to go _great_.

He starts by dumping all the ingredients in, nose scrunching up at the sight of eggshells floating in the batter. That's how you break eggs, right? The shells give it that little extra _crunch_.

(it should bear note that minsoo has no idea what the fuck he's doing.)

He stabs the batter a few times with a spatula, fully invested in breaking these eggs down to consumable pieces. It works... somewhat, and he's relieved to see that the massive shells have turned into tiny, bite-sized shells.

Once he's done with that, he places a pan over the burner, flicking it on and continuing his effort to murder his batter. It takes a bit for it to heat up to a satisfactory temperature, and Minsoo nods at it, tipping his bowl over to pour the batter into the pan. 

Big pancakes, huh?

His first mistake occurs when he realizes the pancakes (or rather: pancake, singular) are, in fact, stuck to the pan.

He stabs them with a spatula, and upon realizing that won't work, tries a knife. Even the wind doesn't help.

"You traitor," he scowls, tossing the knife over his shoulder. "I brought you into existence and now you betray me? Is this how parents feel?"

The pancake bubbles ominously in response. 

"Answer me, coward!"

In response, the pancake bursts into flames.

"Oh, _fuck_ -"

Minsoo grabs the handle and chucks the pan into the sink, flicking on the faucet in an attempt to quench the flames. It _does_ do that, but it also leads to clouds upon clouds of smoke filling the room.

Now _this_ he can actually fix.

He shoves open a window and concentrates, trying to pull in the clean air from outside and push out the bad smoke from inside. It's... marginally successful?

It would probably be more successful if there was any clean air inside to manipulate, but it's just Minsoo's luck that there isn't.

After a tense fifteen minutes of air manipulation, Minsoo sighs, staring forlornly at the open window.

Well. This was a disaster.

At least it can't get any worse, right?

"I smelled smoke!" 

Oh. 

Hello, instant karma.

Daehyun bursts into the room, glasses askew and hair sticking up in strange places. There's a small water orb in his hands, and his pajama top falls off one shoulder, revealing the top of a patch of irritated skin. "Are you okay?"

"I tried to make pancakes," Minsoo helplessly replies, and Daehyun's gaze flickers between him, the half-full bowl on the counter, and the water-filled pan in the sink. 

"...why?"

"To surprise you."

Daehyun is-

 _so fond_.

"Aww, hyung," he coos, the water splashing on the tile as he wraps Minsoo in a hug. "That's so sweet!"

"You're always cooking," Minsoo explains, "and I wanted to cook you something for a change."

Daehyun is _so fucking soft_ for Minsoo, honestly.

He presses his cheek into the elder's hair, frowning a little bit at the accumulated grease and dust he feels instead of the fluffy cloud he's become accustomed to. "I don't mind cooking, Soo-hyung. It makes me feel useful."

"I wish I could make things a bit easier for you," Minsoo pouts, and Daehyun grins.

"You do make things easier, hyung. You're the plan-man, the one who knows what we're doing and where to go. I'd have died without you, honestly."

"...thanks, Dae-yah."

"What, we're not doing cute partner nicknames?"

Honestly-

that _does_ seem like the kind of thing Daehyun would want to do.

"Sunshine," Minsoo states, pressing his cheek into Daehyun's chest. 

Daehyun fucking _chokes_.

* * *

"We should probably learn how to fight, hmm?"

Minsoo nods, twirling around his bat as he takes in the room. "It's why we're in this dojo."

"I still can't believe there's an _actual_ dojo in this city."

"God, you're such a nerd."

"Yeah, but you love me!"

"Unfortunately, yes."

Daehyun pulls down a katana from the wall, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he unsheathes it. "Ooh! Ooh! Can I use this?"

"Sure," Minsoo helplessly replies, and Daehyun grins. "Okay- we should probably start with control, right?"

"I'll watch you?" Daehyun offers, and Minsoo nods, grasping his bat and dropping into a crouch.

"I think it might be easier for me to enhance my movements with the air rather than using it directly to attack? Like-"

Minsoo leaps into the air, spinning into a flip before slamming his bat into the head of one of the practice dummies. "Like that."

Daehyun claps, and Minsoo can imagine Dongho holding up a scoring card.

 _God_ , he misses Dongho. 

"Can you get enough power in your hits with one hand?" Daehyun asks, and Minsoo bites his lower lip, studying the bat in his hands.

"...I hope so."

He grins, raising his head to stare at Daehyun. "Shouldn't we focus on _you_ , though?"

* * *

Daehyun sits cross-legged in the center of the river, focusing his energy on staying afloat. Minsoo's hovering in the air above him, a teasing grin on his lips, and he waits for the inevitable moment where Daehyun falls. 

Something explodes in the distance, and Daehyun shrieks, losing his grip on his ability and plunging under the waves. Minsoo dives under as well, grasping Daehyun's sleeve with one hand and hauling him to the surface - though he really didn't need the help, a fact both are aware of.

"You're wet," Daehyun states, and Minsoo flicks his dripping locks out of his face, only to squawk as they slap him in the cheek. 

"Hate water," he grouses, reaching up to push his hair out of his eyes. "Fucking _hate_ water."

"Are you sure?" Daehyun teases, and Minsoo scowls, floating out of the water and hovering a few inches above it.

"It's _cold_."

"Well, the river _does_ have a lot of sewage-"

" _Ew_!" Minsoo shrieks, and Daehyun giggles as Minsoo blows himself dry - the act leaving his hair tousled and clothes damp.

"Why do you hate sewage so much?"

" _Why do you need to ask?_ "

Daehyun giggles once more, and Minsoo pouts, folding his arms over his chest. 

"I'm not kissing you while you're covered in satan sewer water."

" _Satan_ sewer water?"

Daehyun snaps his fingers, an idea occurring to him. "I guess you could say... I stan sewer water?"

"I have no boyfriend."

"Wait! Soo-hyung! This is the middle of the river! Come back! _Minsoo-hyung!_ "

* * *

Minsoo tosses another towel to the side, and Daehyun grins sheepishly at him. " _Really_?"

"Water likes me?" Daehyun offers, and Minsoo groans.

"You can dry _yourself_ off, then."

Daehyun pouts, gaze straying to the food sitting on the table. "Why can't I eat until I'm dry?"

"Because you smell like _sewage_ ," Minsoo states, as though that should be obvious. "I'm not going to share my precious instant ramen with someone who smells like a toilet."

"But _Soo-hyung_ , I thought you loved me!"

"I can love you and still think you smell like a toilet, sunshine."

Daehyun pouts, and Minsoo shoves him towards the bathroom, gaze blank. "Go shower."

" _Fine_ ," the younger man huffs, and Minsoo smiles, watching as the door clicks shut.

Still, he waits for the water to start before he heads for the balcony, pulling open the sliding door and stepping into the night air.

_Where are Jaewon and Dongho?_

They could be anywhere, he knows. It's a pretty big city - understatement of the year - and he _really_ doubts they can find them if they don't want to be found.

But-

why did they run?

He doesn't _understand_. Why would they run and leave them both behind? Why would they run and not leave a note or a message or _anything_?

It _hurts_.

He _knew_ Dongho didn't trust him, _knew_ he'd be liable to do something like this, so-

why does it still sting?

He's not sure how long he stands there, leaning against the railing and staring at the empty city, but at some point, he hears the distant roar of the shower shut off. 

A minute or so later, the door slides open, and arms wrap around his waist, Daehyun hooking his chin over his shoulder. 

"What's wrong, hyung?"

"...nothing."

"You can trust me, hyung."

"I don't- I don't wanna burden you, Dae. And besides- you can drop the honorifics. They don't really matter to me."

There's a long, tense, moment of silence, during which Daehyun steps to the side.

Minsoo can't meet his gaze.

" _Minsoo_ ," Daehyun presses, and Minsoo squares his jaw, unable to meet the younger's searching gaze. "Please talk to me."

"...I don't understand."

It comes out so small, so _helpless_ , and Minsoo regrets the words as soon as they leave his lips. "Never-"

"I don't understand either."

Daehyun smells like hotel shampoo, Minsoo realizes.

"I don't understand why they would do that. I don't- I don't understand why they would leave, why they wouldn't tell us, why they would drug us- but you know what I'm telling myself?"

"What?"

"No matter what... we're all looking at the same sky."

Daehyun points up-

and Minsoo forgets how to breathe.

Stars spill over the sky, galaxies upon galaxies visible in a way he's never seen. They provide their own light - glowing softly, but culminating in a brilliant light show - and Minsoo honestly can't think of words to describe this sight.

"Wow," he breathes, and Daehyun nods, a soft smile on his lips.

"It's amazing, isn't it?"

"You've seen it before?"

Daehyun shakes his head, and Minsoo can hear the awe in his voice as he continues. "I've seen photos, but never- I've never seen it like this."

There's a moment where neither one moves.

"...I miss Jaewon-hyung."

"I know," Minsoo whispers, staring up at the sky. "I know. But we'll find them, right?"

"...yeah."

"I mean, they're probably looking for us already. Dongho especially - will you two actually talk, later?"

"Yeah," Daehyun huffs, propping his chin on his hand. "I'm still pretty upset with him, Soo."

"...not that small to you?"

"That was such a dickish thing to say!"

"I know-"

"Why would you even _say that_? Why- that was so _rude_!"

"I know, Dae-"

"Rude," Daehyun settles on, lips pursed in a pout.

"I know," Minsoo murmurs, gaze straying to the younger's face. "I'm sorry."

"I demand compensation."

"What- what kind?"

"A kiss might do it."

Minsoo presses a quick peck to Daehyun's lips before dancing out of the way, a bright grin playing on his lips. "There's your compensation, Dae-"

"That was _nothing_!" Daehyun squawks, but Minsoo's already disappearing back into the room. "Wait! Minsoo! You owe me more!"

(later, daehyun will... begrudgingly admit that cuddling with minsoo is pretty good compensation.

only later, though. and not where anyone can hear.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god im so soft for mindae
> 
> next chapter... hhh... it's gonna be dark
> 
> please point out any typos my lovelies <3 stay safe!!!
> 
> title from jimin's serendipity


	22. a side: i'll trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please!!! mind!!!!! the new tags!!!!! this chapter is DARK and they're there for a reason
> 
> recap in notes

It's not that he isn't processing.

It's more like-

it's like he's standing in the center of a city brought to its knees, foundations cracking and buildings tumbling to the earth. It's like he's standing there, amidst the dust, cut away from everything he's ever known and left to drift, and _knowing_ nothing could've survived this decimation, _knowing_ he's failed, and knowing he could've done anything different and have prevented this. It's like having to stare corpses in the eyes as he walks through the ruined city, each and every face imprinted on his retinas as a life snuffed out because of _him_ , because of _his_ incompetence, and his mind spins, the distant ringing consuming all logical thought.

Jaewon stares at him, and for a moment, Dongho thinks it's hilarious - they're both well on their way to death already, so why are _they_ the ones alive? - before a hand comes up to cup his cheek, Jaewon's dark eyes replete with grief.

"Please," he whispers, though Dongho can barely hear him over the ringing in his ears. "I can't do this alone, hyung..."

Dongho can't feel anything.

He's caked in dust, standing in the wreckage of a ruined city, and he can't feel _anything_. 

"Hyung..."

Jaewon's always run a little warm, and Dongho knows his hand should be warm - if not uncomfortably hot - but he can't feel a thing.

He can't think. Can't move.

(standing in the rubble of the ruined city, nobody left besides him-)

"...do you want to go see the river, hyung?"

Jaewon smiles - a little broken, a little sad - and pushes a lock of Dongho's hair behind his ear. "Daehyun liked the river, right?"

What does Jaewon want him to do?

(he replays it in his mind- how scared must minsoo have been, to drive them into an oil tanker? how afraid? how afraid were they? how afraid were they because of something dongho could've prevented?)

"...I think Minsoo liked it too. Not the river, but the nice cool breeze it always has. He used to call it the breath of the city. Remember?"

What does Jaewon want him to say?

(and daehyun- what must've happened, for daehyun to agree to that? what must've happened for minsoo to be willing to sacrifice the person he most wanted to protect?)

"I never went to the river with you guys. I wish I had. So I- so I could know more about that. More than what everyone else hears."

How can he say anything?

(did they die instantly? or was it painful? did they die from the explosion or the fire or the smoke or-)

"I should've done so many things different," Jaewon sobs, pressing his face into Dongho's hand. It's like- Dongho isn't capable of comforting him, so Jaewon does the next best thing. "I'm so sorry, hyung..."

Dongho doesn't respond.

* * *

Jaewon moves forwards with wooden legs, Dongho's wrist clutched in his. His worn-out sneakers scrape against the pavement, and they walk through blocks upon blocks of decimated buildings, the only sound that of Jaewon's ragged breathing.

Dongho-

Jaewon's not entirely certain Dongho survived, honestly. Not when he's like this.

They walk along the river, and Jaewon hops up on the barrier, extending his arms as the breeze tousles his hair. 

"Daehyun would've hated today," he murmurs, staring out at the river. "It's too quiet."

If he squints, he can imagine he hears Daehyun and Minsoo's distant laughter.

It's a little bit comforting, really. Imagining that things are somewhat normal- it's relaxing to him.

Horribly, sickeningly relaxing.

"Do you like it today, hyung?"

Dongho doesn't respond.

Jaewon didn't expect him to.

"It's a nice day for busking, huh? A little cool, but not too cold. Daehyun would've liked that part."

Daehyun's not going to do any more busking, is he?

Because he's dead.

Daehyun is dead.

Jaewon catches himself before he can start bawling in earnest, pressing the sleeve of his jacket to his eyes. "God... why am I still crying? I'm supposed to be the strong one, but..."

He can almost hear their laughter.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, though they both know that word has lost all meaning. "I'm so sorry..."

Dongho doesn't respond.

* * *

Jaewon dangles his legs over the river, gaze flitting to his ever-silent partner. "What do you think, hyung?"

The river glows a million shades of red in the setting sun, and Jaewon smiles at it, gaze flitting to an apathetic Dongho. "It's nice, huh?"

Dongho doesn't respond.

"Y'know, I always wanted to come here with my partner," Jaewon continues, watching as gentle waves lap on the shores. "I always dreamed I'd find someone who'd come here with me, and we could just... be us for a moment, y'know?"

Dongho doesn't respond.

"I guess that's not going to happen," Jaewon murmurs. "Not now, anyways."

He doesn't need to say why. They both know.

"...I love you, hyung."

It's so- so fucking _stupid_. So _stupid_ that he's saying this, so _stupid_ that he's saying it now, so fucking _stupid_.

"And I- I don't deserve your love," he sniffs, tears rolling down his cheeks.

How does he even have tears left to cry?

"You don't- you don't need to say no. I know already. I just-"

He slides a little closer, interlacing his fingers with Dongho's. "I thought you should know."

Dongho doesn't respond.

(truth be told, jaewon's not sure what he expected. he _hoped_ , yes - hoped that dongho would snap out of this horrific catatonia with his confession, hoped that this could change something, hoped that he could be enough despite knowing he wasn't - but he knew it wasn't going to make a difference.

words are just words, after all.

and nothing he can say will bring daehyun or minsoo back.)

* * *

The city feels far darker without Minsoo or Daehyun, Jaewon thinks.

Skyscrapers reach for the sky like broken fingers, spindles breaking up the skyline, and he cranes his neck in hopes of catching sight of a bit of blue. 

Instead, he's graced with the edge of a glowing orb, and he ducks his head, gaze falling to the washed-out pavement. 

It's not fair, he thinks. Not fair that the sun can shine when Minsoo and Daehyun are dead, not fair that the world can keep moving when Jaewon's ground to a halt.

Well-

that's not true.

"I don't like the dark," Jaewon mumbles, pressing himself into Dongho's side. "It's really cold in the dark. It's like- you know all those photos of the deep deep sea? And you _know_ how cold it must be because there's no sun to light it up? That's sorta what it feels like. Being in the dark."

 _"But you weren't afraid with us,"_ Dongho would say, and Jaewon laughs.

"It's funny, a bit. Being with you guys... the dark never scared me when I was with you. I guess I knew subconsciously that you could fight it off? That no matter how dark things got, as long as I had you by my side... it would be okay. I think I've always known that, somehow."

Tears sting his eyes, and he sighs, a harsh, rattling sound. "It feels like I'm burning all alone, hyung. Like I'm a candle trying to light up an empty room, or something. I'm burning myself up with all these feelings... and now I'm just spewing nonsense at you, huh? Sorry."

He intertwines his fingers with Dongho's, self-loathing crashing over him like a tsunami. "...I'm so sorry, hyung."

The riptide grasps hold of him and _drags_.

"I just... I'm so sorry."

Drags him along the ground, and he scrambles to hold on-

"...it should've been me."

-and he drowns.

* * *

Dongho can still remember the first day he met Minsoo.

The younger boy reminded him a bit of a hummingbird, in some strange way - small, yes, but with an undeniable _light_ in his eyes Dongho doubted anything could snuff out. He was energetic, flitting from place to place and never really staying still, and he just- 

he _lived_.

He _lived_ , more than anyone Dongho ever knew.

The eldest privately doubts Minsoo knew the _meaning_ of "stop" - at least, when it came to the important things. Stop pushing, stop running, stop dancing, _stop fighting_ -

and then it stopped.

Like a piece of music cut off at the crescendo, Minsoo had _so much_ left to live for. So far left to fly, so much ground to see stretch out under him, so many more lights to see-

and then there's Daehyun.

Daehyun, the walking paradox - both so tall and so small, so strong and so weak, so-

did Daehyun die mad at him?

That thought _terrifies_ him, far more than any other one. Did Daehyun die hating him?

(if so, he deserves it. he may not want to accept that, but he does.)

The part of his heart he devoted to loving them is nothing more than a festering wound now, bits scooped out and scattered over the floor, and he's not sure if there's enough left for it to make a difference.

He wants to see them again.

Dongho's not a religious man - far from it - but they say your life flashes before your eyes when you die.

And wouldn't it be nice, dying in the place Minsoo most wanted to reach?

Jaewon smiles at him - crooked, unsure - and Dongho's gaze flits to the skyscraper, the last tall building still standing.

Minsoo would've loved that view.

 _"I'm coming,"_ he thinks, the only thing in his mind one singular purpose. _"I'm coming."_

* * *

Jaewon's calves scream as he hikes up the stairs, Dongho's wrist clutched in his grasp. He's not someone with a lot of stamina - far from it, in fact - but this feels like something he has to do.

Both for Dongho, and himself.

He's going to say goodbye up here, he vows. He's going to see this view, and he's going to throw himself back into their goal.

It's going to be a goodbye to Minsoo and Daehyun. Or, well- a see you later.

He just hopes Dongho can do the same.

The frigid air of the rooftop feels like salvation on his sweaty skin, and he falls to his knees, harsh gasps escaping his lips. Jesus _Christ_ , this building is tall.

He's _so_ enveloped in his own salvation that he misses Dongho's slow steps towards the edge.

By the time he manages to stumble to his feet, Dongho's standing on the edge, the wind coaxing his hair into tangles and his jacket swaying in the gusts. 

He's too close.

"Hyung?" Jaewon whispers, taking a step closer. "Hyung, what... what are you doing?"

Dongho doesn't respond.

"Hyung, step back from the edge."

It's desperate, it's hurting, but _god_ , Jaewon can't lose him too.

He won't be able to come back from this.

"Please," Jaewon sobs, and when did he start crying? " _Please_."

Slowly, so slowly, Dongho turns.

There's a moment where the world falls away, then. 

Their eyes meet, and Dongho stares at him, a flicker of _something_ in those dark eyes. Happiness, perhaps? Joy? Relief?

Please, no.

Jaewon can't move. It feels like - it feels like he's been covered in lead, unable to move a thing save for his lips. 

And Dongho-

Dongho's just _standing there_.

"Please," Jaewon begs, taking another step forwards. "Hyung, please."

Dongho's never been a slender man - far from it, in fact - but in this moment, he looks like the wind could carry him away.

"Just... just come back, okay? Do you- do you think this is what they would want?"

His words fall on deaf ears.

"They loved you," and Jaewon _knows_ this to be true, _knows_ this, more than he knows anything else in this world. "Is this what they would've wanted?"

There's a moment where he thinks he's succeeded. A moment where he thinks he's won, where he thinks Dongho might step back from the edge and apologize, where he thinks everything is going to be okay-

but just like always, it's a foolish hope.

After all, words can't bring anyone back.

Dongho's lips curl into a smile, and he looks- 

at peace, for a moment.

"I'm sorry, Jae-yah."

And Jaewon's sprinting towards him, a broken scream tearing its way from his lungs, but it's too little too late, and Dongho's _falling_ -

_"Hyung!"_

(words have never been enough. not for dongho.

god, wouldn't things be so much easier if they were?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jaewon took dongho to the river where they heard minsoo and daehyun, but he didn't think they were real. later, he confessed his love, but dongho didn't say a thing. after that, they went to the skyscraper minsoo always wanted to see the view from, and dongho walked off.
> 
> please stay safe. you are worth it, i promise.
> 
> (slightly edited) chapter title from fallout boy's just one yesterday


	23. reunion: like flying birds, they want to fly to the backside of the stars, together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t3waUf10j0) while you read

In the beginning, it was Minsoo and Dongho.

Before MAYHEM, before four-

it was two.

And back then, back when it was just Minsoo and Dongho - no delusions of magic or saving lives or _anything_ of the sort - they were free.

It was raining, that night - Dongho stood under his umbrella, watching as Minsoo splashed in puddles and stretched out his arms, the rain plastering his denim jacket to his skin. His hair was black then, blacker than the night, and as Minsoo danced in the dripping city rain, Dongho saw a million futures reflected in his eyes.

Billboards, neon lights, signs for stores - everything moved in a blurred, dizzying stream - and Minsoo smiled, smiled even as his hair stuck to his cheeks and his jacket grew damp in a way that would take hours to dry.

They were free, back then.

And Minsoo grabbed his hand and pulled him along, tugging him through streets and under lights, and the world could've ended in that moment, and Dongho would've paid it no heed.

In that moment, it felt like they were all that existed.

Minsoo and Dongho, dripping wet and blissfully happy under the neon lights.

And a moment later, Minsoo turned to him and smiled, hundreds of colors colliding on his hair, on his cheeks, on the hand clasped so tightly around Dongho's own, and it was in that moment that Dongho's world started turning.

He didn't have a name for it yet - that would come later - but that, he thinks, is the moment he fell irrevocably in love with Lee Minsoo.

Not on-stage. Not in the practice room. Not in the dorms.

There. 

On that night, the rain seeping through his clothes and causing him to shiver, and Minsoo across from him, in a threadbare jean jacket and ragged sweatpants-

he felt free. 

Not confined by rules, by expectations, by requirements of any kind. He wasn't _D.Min_ there - wasn't even D.Min _yet_ \- and he wasn't _Kang_ Dongho, either.

He was nobody, and Minsoo was nobody.

And as much as he loves being somebody-

being nobody is fine, if it's with Minsoo.

They never went out like that again - since the next day, their manager brought a gangly kid with wide eyes and a guitar case to their dorm - but Dongho still holds that memory close to his heart. More- _so much_ more than any others, because-

they were free.

He's always been chasing that feeling - at least a little bit - ever since, hoping for one moment of that blissful, unchained happiness.

And for one perfect second-

he finds it.

He's alone with his thoughts in these last few seconds, alone with his memories, and he holds tight to that night - the way his cold jacket stuck to his skin, the way his socks grew damp from stepping in puddles, the way Minsoo would jog ahead a few paces and smile back at him, the city lights filling his eyes - and decides _he was always in love, after all._

" _Dongho_!"

There's a moment - one blissful, perfect moment - where Dongho loses himself in that night, the cold of the wind the same cold as the rain and Minsoo's smile imprinted on his eyelids.

And then-

warmth.

His eyes open, slowly, so slowly, and at the same time, someone presses their lips to his.

They smell like rain, Dongho realizes. 

He only realizes he's on the ground when his back brushes concrete, and the person pulls back, the sun forming a halo around their head.

"Min... soo?"

He's dead, then.

"Fuck you," Minsoo gasps, pressing their foreheads together as one arm winds around Dongho's back. "God- _fuck you_ , hyung."

"What?"

"Why would you do that?" Minsoo whispers, brushing a lock of hair off of Dongho's face. "What if I hadn't caught you?"

What?

"You selfish piece of shit," Minsoo breathes, tears dripping off his cheeks and landing on Dongho's. "God, _fuck you_ , hyung. Were you just going to leave us, huh? Were you just going to take the easy way out?"

"...what?"

"And Jaewon?" Minsoo continues, unwilling to answer Dongho's question. "Were you just going to leave him behind?"

"...I'm not dead?"

"No," Minsoo murmurs, shaking his head slowly. "You're not dead, hyung."

"...then how...?"

"How what?"

"You're- you're _dead_ , Minsoo. Am I- am I going crazy?"

Minsoo's expression crumples, and he reaches up to cup the elder's head, hand sliding under the back as if to check for wounds. "No, no, hyung, this is real. We're not dead. It's- it's okay. I'm really here."

And Dongho-

(the rain was cold, but minsoo was always so, so warm-)

cries.

* * *

Jaewon nearly misses it as Minsoo dives off the roof, but he manages to see it.

Just barely.

Then hands pull him back from the edge, wipe the tears from his cheeks, and Daehyun presses his face into Jaewon's neck and whispers _"I missed you, I'm sorry, I loved you"_ again and again as Jaewon crumbles, legs giving out before Daehyun lowers them both to the ground.

The wind tugs at their hair, and Jaewon wants nothing more than to dive after him, to let his delusions be delusions and to find the same beautiful salvation Dongho seems to crave, but Daehyun smells like the river, an ephemeral woodsy type of smell, and his arms are warm around Jaewon's waist, and _god_ , isn't this a beautiful delusion?

"You're not real," he sobs, and Daehyun's expression falls (just like dongho, but dongho didn't fall, he _left_ -) before he reaches up to cup Jaewon's cheeks. 

"I'm real," he murmurs, and Jaewon chokes on a fresh sob, sharp, razor-edged, and it tears him up from the inside (just like his love for dongho, just like his love for daehyun, broken pieces never to heal) even as Daehyun brushes tears from his cheeks. "God, Jae- I'm real. I- I _promise you_ , Jaewon-hyung, I'm real."

"You're _dead_ ," Jaewon gasps, and _god_ , he's so fucking pathetic - imagining this, imagining this perfect outcome of this horrible situation - and this Daehyun looks at him so much like the real one, so _desperate_ , so _loving_ , and he just-

doesn't know how to deal with any of this.

"Hyung," and now his hallucination is crying, too, "hyung, can we- let's just go downstairs, okay? They're- they're okay downstairs. I promise."

(a part of him is aware enough to know he's doing just what dongho did-

and that part understands why, now.

the world isn't worth living in without them.)

He tries to break out of Daehyun's grasp, tries to reach the edge, but hands grasp his wrists and yank him into a bruising embrace, enveloping him in the smell of rain.

"Don't," Daehyun begs, nose pressed to Jaewon's hair and hand rubbing slow circles into his back. "Please, please, just let me- just try. Please."

And _god_ , this feels so much like him and Dongho, so much like hopeless confessions on a ruined bridge, so _hopeless_ -

but hopeless never suited Daehyun as much as it suited him.

He stares at this hallucination - golden hair shining in the sun, glasses missing, some sort of bomber jacket over his shoulders - and he reaches up to pass his hand through the illusion, dissipating whatever his mind saw fit to conjure up.

Instead, his hand bumps against warm flesh.

Daehyun grasps his hand and presses it against his cheek, tears spilling from his eyes as he stares at him (desperate, so desperate, but jaewon's so sick, so tired of hoping, so tired of trying to bring back the dead with words) and tries for a smile. "I'm- I'm real, hyung."

And Jaewon-

sobs.

Daehyun's arms wrap around his back as Jaewon wails, tears seeping into the fabric of his shirt, but Daehyun's _warm_ and _here_ and _alive_ and Jaewon feels like he's just come home after the longest day, like it's been raining non-stop for days upon days and he's only just now seeing the sun.

"It's okay," Daehyun breathes, gripping a handful of Jaewon's hair (maybe to prove to himself that _jaewon's_ really here, that he didn't jump off the building like dongho did) as he presses his nose into the elder's neck. "It's okay, hyung. It's okay."

"I'm sorry," Jaewon gasps, voice laced with desperation. "I'm so sorry, Dae, I'm so-"

"It's okay," Daehyun soothes, and Jaewon shakes his head.

"You could've- and hyung-"

"It's okay," Daehyun murmurs, and Jaewon sucks in a shuddering breath, only to immediately let it out again. "We're okay."

"I'm so- so-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, hyung."

"I love you," Jaewon sobs, and Daehyun freezes, eyes going wide. "Please- please-"

"I'm not going anywhere," Daehyun promises, and Jaewon nods, too-skinny form shaking in Daehyun's grasp. "I won't leave you, hyung. I promise."

* * *

Minsoo sits a short distance from a still-stunned Dongho, fiddling with the zippers on his jacket as he waits for Daehyun and Jaewon to finish their descent. 

"Soo!"

Speak of the devil.

Minsoo's head jerks up, and he cranes his neck, gaze landing on Daehyun and Jaewon. "Hey-"

Jaewon isn't listening.

"You _idiot_!" the younger sobs, tackling Dongho back to the ground. "Why- why- _why_?"

"Jae-"

" _Why_?" Jaewon wails, pressing his face into Dongho's shoulder. "I just- I just- _why_? _Why_?"

"...I'm sorry."

"Don't do that again," Jaewon begs, pulling back to stare into Dongho's eyes. "God, please, don't do that again. Please-"

"I won't."

" _Promise me!_ "

"I promise, Jaewon-ah."

Jaewon sniffs, reaching up to wipe his nose with his sleeve. "Th-Thank you, hyung."

Dongho lets out a small "oof" as the younger wraps him in a crushing hug, apparently of the belief that if he hugs Dongho _really hard_ , he won't be able to go anywhere.

And, well-

he's not _wrong_.

Behind them Minsoo takes a step back, leaning into Daehyun's side, and the younger grins at him, reaching over to ruffle his hair. "Yah-"

"You can do it to me too, y'know."

"You're literally a _giant_ , sunshine, I don't think I can."

"Yeah, but that way I can reach all the things on high shelves."

"You mean you can reach all the things _you put_ on high shelves?"

"Maybe I put them on high shelves so you'll have to ask me to get them."

"Now that's just mean."

Minsoo sighs, gaze falling to Dongho. "...I'm really fucking pissed with them, Dae. I just- I don't get it. Why wouldn't they tell us? Why would they just- just run off?"

Daehyun shrugs, staring at Jaewon - who's currently clinging to Dongho like a koala and sobbing into his neck. "We really need to talk, huh?"

"Yep."

Minsoo disentangles himself from Daehyun's grasp and heads over to the pair, taking a seat behind Dongho's head. "Are you guys ready to head out?"

"Head... out?" Jaewon asks, raising his head. His eyes are red-rimmed from crying, and as Daehyun takes a seat behind him, he slides into the youngest's arms, Dongho shifting upright once he's off. "Where to?"

"Dae and I have a hotel room," Minsoo explains, and Dongho nods, something unreadable in his eyes. "We can talk there. I think we're gonna need it."

* * *

Minsoo's moved past the point of grief and into the realm of _rage_.

Mostly directed at Dongho.

He sits at the head of the table, and Dongho sits at the other, Daehyun and Jaewon between them. The fire manipulator casts small orbs of flame around the room, and Daehyun seems to delight in watching them dance - something Minsoo can't and won't blame him for.

"Hyung," Minsoo finally states, "what the fuck?"

Dongho can't meet his gaze. 

"Just- why? Why would you leave and not tell us? Why would you- why would you walk off a building? _Why_?"

"You wouldn't understand, Soo-yah-"

"Then _make me understand_."

Minsoo stares across the table, eyes wide and desperate. "Because I _don't_ , hyung. I _don't_ understand why you did this. I _don't_ understand why you don't trust me, and I just- I want to know."

It hangs in the air, then - Minsoo's question - and it's somewhat of a breaking point.

They all know Dongho has to answer this question. 

Because Minsoo- Minsoo's running out of rope to throw, and this is all he has.

"...I saw you die."

Silence reigns for a moment.

"When I passed out in the van," Dongho continues, gaze falling to his hands. "I saw- I saw you both die. And I saw how it would happen."

"Hyung..."

Daehyun's voice dies down, and Dongho continues.

"And I- I knew I couldn't let that happen. I knew what I had to prevent. And that- that was my goal. To stop that from happening. So I put _that_ as my priority, above everything else. And then when you died-"

He cuts himself off, reaching up to rake a hand through his hair. "I failed. I failed both of you, and I failed myself."

"But why did you jump?"

Dongho turns to stare at Daehyun, expression _broken_ , and he smiles. "Wouldn't you, if everyone you loved was dead?"

Daehyun-

doesn't have a response for that.

"Where did you guys come from?" Jaewon asks, and Minsoo wisely keeps his mouth shut.

"Soo was listening to the wind."

Goddammit, Daehyun.

"Listening to the wind?" Dongho asks, and Daehyun and Minsoo exchange looks before the water in everyone's glasses floats out of them.

Minsoo simply sighs.

"Um... surprise?" Daehyun tries, and Dongho and Jaewon gawp at him in tandem.

"So you mean-"

"Minsoo-"

Minsoo tosses his glass in mid-air and holds it there, quirking a grin at the others' shocked expressions. "Like Dae said... surprise!"

Dongho wants to scream a little.

Just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY 50K!!!!!!!!!! wow this fic is long!!!!
> 
> i'll be answering questions in the comments, and i'm gonna link my spotify playlist for this fic in next chapter's notes
> 
> wow, this has been fun so far!!! here's to the next 50k ^^
> 
> i hope this chapter lived up to the hype!! i really enjoyed writing it and i hope you all enjoyed reading
> 
> chapter title from harumakigohan's reunion


	24. i'm not afraid anymore

"So."

Minsoo turns, gaze landing on a pensive Dongho. "So what?"

"Are we going to talk about that?"

" _Kang Dongho_ , voluntarily initiating conversation?" Minsoo jokes, yanking off his hoodie. "I never thought I'd see the day."

Dongho rolls his eyes, but there's a fond twist to his lips. "I initiate conversation."

"No, you _don't_ ," Minsoo whines, shimmying into a MAYHEM t-shirt. "You _never_ initiate conversation. It's like talking to a brick wall."

"Brick walls are excellent conversation partners."

"Was that a joke? Did _Kang Dongho_ just make a joke?"

Dongho rolls his eyes, taking a step towards the leader. "I can make jokes, Minsoo-yah."

"Mhm."

"...I missed you."

"Y'know, I kinda got that," Minsoo hums, pulling on the bomber jacket Dongho _swears_ he saw Daehyun wearing the day prior. "You're not sneaky, hyung."

"...hm."

"You gonna talk to Dae?"

Minsoo tilts his head back, dark eyes wide, and Dongho stares at him, unsure of what to say. "Aren't you together?"

Seriously- if they're not together, Dongho will eat his shoe. Not actually, that's gross. But it's the thought that counts.

"Yeah," Minsoo shrugs, as though it's simple. "But you like both of us, and both of us like you, and both of us like Jae-yah, and I think you like him too, so all four of us can be together."

Dongho blinks at him, bewildered. "What?"

"I've put a lot of thought into this, hyung."

"Nice to know you can think."

"Hey!"

Minsoo scowls, lower lip jutting out in a pout. "Have you not considered that, hyung?"

Dongho blinks at him, and Minsoo holds his gaze. "But- how would that even work? It makes no sense."

Minsoo shrugs, and Dongho gawps at him. "Does it matter how it works? Literally nothing is illegal right now."

"But-"

"Do you want this?"

Minsoo's eyes are old, Dongho thinks. Older than they have any right to be.

"...yes."

"Then talk to Dae," Minsoo states, brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes. "I'm not gonna watch you two mess this up again."

"Do you?"

Minsoo blinks at him, confused. "What?"

"Want this, I mean," Dongho clarifies. "Do you want this too?"

"Of course," Minsoo simply replies, and-

he seems to think it's that easy.

"I love all three of you. Have for a while, I think. And as for why I'm bringing this up, it's like I've been saying- nearly dying puts things into perspective, so why wait?"

Dongho blinks at him, completely blindsided. "But-"

"You want this," Minsoo states, "and I want this, and I think Dae and Jaewon-ah want this, too. So why wait?"

And with that, he turns back to munching on his bagel, as though he hasn't shattered Dongho's worldview with a few sentences.

Goddamn Lee Minsoo.

* * *

Now.

Absy's gaze flits around the room - Thy's engrossed in some novel or another, while Celi and Nisi hold hushed conversation - and he slips out the door, pulling his hood over his head. 

He saw them, earlier. A dark figure atop a roof - it had to be one of them.

And truth be told, this is just the opening Absy needs.

If he can kill them, he'll finally earn the respect he so craves. He'll be heralded as a hero, get sent on harder missions... maybe even be named the captain of a team.

God, that would be nice.

Nisi is an unfit captain, at least in his eyes. He's too careful, too cautious, and Absy _knows_ if he knew what he knows, he would tell him to wait. 

But-

he's sick of waiting.

Sick of twiddling his thumbs, sick of killing time, sick of _strategizing_.

He's going to finish this, here and now.

His hand falls to the knife at his side, and he grins, imagining the wide eyes of the blond boy as Nisi pulled the air from his lungs.

There's glory in battle, his teachers say. Glory in a crushing defeat, glory in murder, glory measured in pints of blood.

And for Absy-

he can think of nothing he'd love more than to repaint his sigils.

* * *

A four person relationship, huh?

Dongho stares at the skyline, turning it over in his head. It seems... too good to be true, almost. 

How would it work? What if one of them fell out of love? What if they all don't like each other?

_"Do you want this?"_

Minsoo made it sound so easy - so _simple_ \- but now, Dongho thinks, turning it over and over in his mind, it's _not_.

Does Dongho love all four of them?

Yes.

Is a four person relationship something he wants?

Yes.

Does he think it can work?

Not really.

There are too many moving parts, too many contingencies, too many things that have to go _perfectly right_. Love is hard, and Dongho _knows that_ \- he has no delusions of this being a merry ride into the sunset - but the question arises: is this something he's willing to fight for?

 _Yes_.

The answer rises, unbidden, and Dongho sighs, head falling into his hands. 

Goddamn Lee Minsoo and his world-altering ideas.

But if Dongho's willing to fight for it-

why not try?

 _"Nearly dying puts things into perspective, so why wait?_ _"_

His lips quirk into something resembling a grin, and he stares at the horizon, an old saying popping into his mind.

 _Carpe diem_. Sieze the day.

He could do that a little more, he thinks.

* * *

"Daehyun?" Dongho asks, and Daehyun's head whips up, eyes wide as he meets the eldest's gaze. "Can I talk to you?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Minsoo drag Jaewon out the door, grabbing his bat before yanking it shut, and he's privately grateful.

"Sure?" Daehyun edges, putting his book down on the table. "What's up, hyung?"

"I think... we need to talk."

"Yeah," Daehyun mutters, expression immediately closing itself off. "We do."

Dongho sighs, taking a seat across from Daehyun. 

Silence reigns for a moment.

"...why do you regret it, Dae?"

Daehyun flinches, eyes widening. "I don't-"

"Then why did you say you did?"

"Because- because you deserve Jaewon. You two deserve each other."

"Dae..."

"You deserve him. He makes you happy."

"You make me happy too, Daehyun-ah."

"But not in the same way he does-"

"And is that wrong?"

Daehyun falls silent, and Dongho sighs, head falling into his hands. " _God_ , we're terrible at communication."

"Whose fault is that?"

"I like _all of you_ ," Dongho clarifies, and Daehyun blinks at him. "Minsoo and I talked earlier, and he mentioned something like... a four person relationship? And I know it's going to be hard, and it might end badly, but I want to try it."

Daehyun blinks at him, trying to make sense of his words. "So... I would get to kiss you."

"Yes."

"And Minsoo. And Jaewon-hyung."

"Yes."

"What's the issue, again?"

They lock gazes for a moment before Daehyun dissolves into fits of giggles, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he doubles over. "Oh- oh my god- hyung, hyung, you should see your _face_ -"

"What?"

"You look- you look like you're so- so _disappointed_ \- I can't-"

"Wha-"

"But like- like- in _yourself_. Like- _oh my god, hyung, your face_ -"

Dongho's lips curve into a grin, and Daehyun's grin only widens at the sight. "See? You _can_ smile! I knew it!"

"Who said I can't?"

"Minsoo thinks you're secretly a robot programmed with no ability to smile," Daehyun whispers, and Dongho _knows_ that one isn't true, but he doesn't comment on it. 

"I've been told I have a nice smile."

"You mean your real smile or your serial-killer smile?"

" _Serial-killer smile_?"

"Sometimes when you smile, you look like a serial killer! Like- like you just dismembered someone, and are now staring at their corpse!"

" _How did you get that, Dae_?"

"Everyone sees it! Tell me I'm wrong!"

"You're wrong."

"That's a lie," Daehyun grins, and Dongho rolls his eyes, standing and shoving his hands into his jeans. "Wait-wait-wait, hyung-"

"What?"

"So, if I can kiss you now-"

Dongho cuts him off with his mouth.

He pulls away after a moment, and Daehyun gawps at him, eyes wide as Dongho's lips curl into a satisfied grin. "Wait-wait-wait, hold up, _what_ -"

"I'm gonna go find Jaewon-ah and Soo-yah," Dongho hums, and Daehyun nearly trips over the chair in his haste to follow him.

"Does this include hugs? Can I cuddle you? Ah, you look so nice for cuddles... is that weird? Am I being weird?"

"No weirder than Minsoo," Dongho mutters, and Daehyun huffs. 

"He's not that weird!"

"He's pretty weird."

"He's not _that_ -"

"I once saw him create an entire monarchy and community for a fleet of plastic ducks, Dae."

"That's not weird, that's _iconic_."

"Christ... you two..."

"You love us!"

"I do. Now, where do you think they went?"

"Wait- _go back to that_ -"

"Ssh," Dongho states, and Daehyun shakes his head.

"No, no, _go back to that_ -"

"I smell something."

Daehyun pauses for a moment, inhaling the air. "Smells like... smoke?"

Smoke.

Fire.

Jaewon.

Dongho and Daehyun's gazes meet in an instant. "Downstairs," the eldest states, and Daehyun nods.

* * *

A few minutes prior, Minsoo enters the lobby, Jaewon's hand clutched in his grasp.

"This is such a nice lobby!" he enthuses, spreading his arms wide in an attempt to indicate the entire floor. "You've got the cool _sconces_ , the nice _couches_ , the _fireplace_ -"

"This place is a fire hazard," Jaewon mournfully states, and Minsoo shrugs.

"Eh, maybe. But it's _cool_!"

"Hyung, _I'm_ a fire hazard."

"Yeah, but you're cute, so it's okay. Like this room!"

"Wha- not because I'm hot?"

" _Wyld_ is hot," Minsoo corrects. " _Jaewon_ is adorable."

"Hyung, we're- we're the same person?"

"Lies," Minsoo huffs, folding his arms over his chest. "Lies and slander."

"But-"

Jaewon's cut off by a ball of fire blasting through the door. 

"Jaewon!" Minsoo shouts, tackling him to the ground. The younger nearly pushes him off, but Minsoo presses a hand to his mouth, eyes narrowed.

"Don't say anything," he whispers, then climbs off him. "Stay here."

"But-"

Minsoo presses a finger to his lips, then stands, edging towards his discarded baseball bat. "What are you doing here?"

Absy grins, planting his hands on his hips. "I'm going to kill you, of course!"

"Great," Minsoo drawls, rolling his eyes. "That worked _so_ well the last time."

"There's no escape this time."

Minsoo freezes as a ring of fire blazes to life, encircling him, Jaewon, and Absy. It's spreading - the contents of the lobby already catching fire - and he hopes to god Daehyun remembers how to get out of here through the back door.

"Now," Absy grins, the corner of his lips quirking into a smirk. "Shall we play?"

Minsoo growls, diving for his bat, and Absy leaps forwards, reaching for the leader's neck just as he grabs his weapon. Minsoo wheels, slamming his bat into the alien's head, and he crumples, giving Minsoo time enough to scramble to his feet. 

A gust of wind carries the leader out of his reach, and Minsoo bounces on the balls of his feet, a taunting grin on his lips. "That all you got?"

Absy grins, leaping towards him as fire wreathes his form. Minsoo leaps out of the way once again, feet skidding on the carpet, and Absy hums.

"Fun."

He leaps forwards once more, and Minsoo slides under him, delivering a swift kick to his back. The alien stumbles, eyes wide - and it's now that Jaewon realizes what Minsoo's doing.

Enhancing, instead of fighting.

 _Genius_.

Minsoo leaps forwards once again, though Absy ducks, delivering a swift uppercut to Minsoo's chest. As the leader catches himself, Jaewon can see a hole in his shirt the size of Absy's fist, and Minsoo eyes it with disdain.

That costs him.

Absy leaps forwards, grasping Minsoo's wrist and _grinning_.

No.

The leader only has enough time to realize _he made a horrible mistake_ before Absy's eyes glow crimson, and a typhoon of flame explodes through the room.

 _No_.

Before Jaewon even processes it, he's running forwards, the thought of what must be happening spurring him onwards.

_Not Minsoo._

_Not again_.

This close, he can see what's happening - Minsoo formed somewhat of a shield out of carbon dioxide, though it's not impervious. Absy's flames crawl up his arm, lapping at the tape coating it, and Jaewon sees only one way out of this.

(dongho, blood seeping from his head and chest barely rising-)

He can't hesitate this time. 

He charges at Absy with a primal scream, clearing the flames enough to see, and as the alien's head whips around, Jaewon tackles him to the ground. 

His hands find the alien's neck, and he _squeezes_.

Absy claws at his arms, flames surging again and again in an attempt to burn him alive, but Jaewon can't feel a thing. 

He deserves to die.

They all do.

They hurt Dongho and Daehyun and Minsoo and Jun and _everyone_ -

Absy's eyes bulge, and he claws at Jaewon's face, the flames rising in intensity. 

He doesn't let go.

He doesn't let go even when Absy goes limp, the flames dying into a soft flicker. 

He doesn't let go even when the flames die out.

He doesn't let go even after Absy stops breathing.

"Jaewon," someone whispers, and an arm wraps around his back - bare (when did that happen? how does he keep losing his shirts?) - and pulls him off the dead body.

(dead body, he's dead, _jaewon just killed him_ -)

"Jaewon-ah, look at me."

Jaewon's gaze falls to his burned pants, taking in the blackened material. 

The fire must've been hot to do that.

"Jaewon."

A hand slides under his chin, tipping it up, and as he raises his head, he meets Minsoo's gentle gaze. 

"It's okay, Jaewon-ah."

No.

No, it's not.

"I just-" Jaewon gasps, the air still thick with smoke. "I just- I just-"

"I know," Minsoo whispers, yanking Jaewon into a crushing hug. His hand grips the younger's crimson hair for dear life, and Jaewon _wails_ , shoulders wracking with unconstrained sobs. 

There's no coming back from this.

There's no way Jaewon can go back to who he was.

Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohboyohboy
> 
> imma just
> 
> leave this here
> 
> [fic playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6vOt1xKxzybTyBSmRhLhFm?si=QE6dGz4TTAmoMOK4lTVaRQ)
> 
> i know the moodboard is campy i'm sorry i tried
> 
> i really hope you guys like it!!! it has all of the chapter songs, plus some others i listened to while writing! thank you all for sticking with me this far!
> 
> chapter title from holland's not afraid


	25. damn you look good when your tears dry up

When Daehyun and Dongho emerge into the lobby, it's to a war zone.

The entire room has been scorched beyond repair, the walls black-singed and the furniture little more than charred lumps of ash. And in the center of it all-

Jaewon, Minsoo, and one of the aliens.

Jaewon's _sobbing_ , these broken, pathetic sounds that yank Daehyun's heartstrings, and Minsoo strokes his hair, clutching him desperately - as if he's thinks Jaewon might disappear at any moment.

The alien, on the other hand-

"He's dead," Daehyun breathes, staring at the creature's swollen face. "But... how?"

Jaewon only sobs harder at that, and Minsoo shakes his head, wrapping his arm around the younger's back. "Wanna go upstairs, Jaewonnie-yah?"

"I killed him," Jaewon wails, clutching at the collar of Minsoo's tee for dear life. "I- I-"

"It's okay," Minsoo soothes, and Jaewon shakes his head. 

"No- no- it's not- it's not-"

Dongho shrugs off his jacket and drapes it over the alien's face, trying to avoid staring at his oddly human features for longer than necessary. "Dae...?"

Daehyun nods, and out of the corner of his eye, Dongho can see Minsoo shepherding Jaewon to the room.

Thank god. If anyone can possibly make this clusterfuck better, it'll be Minsoo.

"What happened?" Daehyun asks, and Dongho sighs, gaze flitting to the body.

He looks like he's been choked - bright red handprints stand out on his throat - but somehow, Dongho can't quite imagine _Jaewon_ being the one to do this.

"...Jaewon-hyung choked him, didn't he?"

There's a hint of _something_ in Daehyun's voice - something Dongho can't quite place.

"I think so."

"Oh," Daehyun murmurs, a tinge of hysteria seeping into his voice. "Oh, oh-"

"Dae?"

"What's the public going to think?" Daehyun frets, pacing in a small circle as he clenches and unclenches his fists. "What're the _police_ gonna think? What if they _arrest_ him? What if- what if he has to go to jail?"

"Daehyun."

"How the _hell_ are we going to hide a body, hyung? Jaewon just _killed a guy_! He- he just- he _strangled him_! What- what about- what-"

He's hyperventilating now, panic setting his nerves aflame.

_Jaewon just killed someone._

"Daehyun. Look at me."

Daehyun raises his head, and Dongho steps forwards, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I need you to breathe, okay?"

"I- I can't-"

Dongho grasps his hand and presses it to his chest, letting Daehyun feel the gentle rise and fall. "Try and match my breathing."

"H-Hyung-"

"Try for me."

Daehyun screws his eyes shut, trying to match the gentle cadence of Dongho's breath, but the air won't go into his lungs. "Hyung-"

"You can do it, Dae."

Daehyun's not sure how long he fights for air, but by the time the panic subsides, Minsoo and Jaewon are nowhere to be seen. Dongho stands in front of him, expression grave, and _god_ , Daehyun wants to ask for a hug.

"Can I... hug you?" he whispers, and Dongho's eyes widen slightly before he nods.

"Yeah. Yeah, you can."

Daehyun steps forwards, and Dongho's arms wrap around his back, one hand coming up to stroke his hair. 

It's _grounding_. It's grounding in a way Minsoo and Jaewon can't quite replicate, and Daehyun feels _safe_.

Like- like as long as he's in Dongho's arms, nothing can touch him. 

He just- he feels so _dumb_. He's been trying _so hard_ to be someone mature, someone strong, someone who doesn't cry over tiny things, and here he is.

Being hugged by Dongho.

On the plus side, Dongho is a great hugger. Nobody expects it - Dongho is the most averse to physical contact out of the entire group - but Daehyun isn't surprised at all that his need to make sure the others are okay takes priority over his own comfort.

God, what an idiot. 

"You never ask," Daehyun mumbles, and he _feels_ rather than sees Dongho's brow tick upwards. "For anything."

"I ask for things," Dongho replies, a hint of amusement in his voice. "You just never listen."

"You ask for things for _us_ ," Daehyun sighs, and Dongho laughs - a rumble Daehyun can feel. "You never ask for anything for yourself."

"I asked if I could keep Boba in the dorm-"

"-because Jaewon-hyung _adores_ her."

"That's not the only reason."

"Hyung, you can't convince me your heart didn't melt that time Boba fell asleep on Jaewon-hyung's lap and he sat there for four hours so he wouldn't wake her up."

"Oh, I'm not gonna try."

"But... besides Boba, you don't really ask for anything."

"Is that a problem?"

Daehyun pouts, taking a step back to faux-glare at the eldest. "For your birthday, you said you wanted _socks_."

"I needed more socks," Dongho shrugs.

Daehyun honestly has no idea how the fuck they got here - him lecturing Dongho on asking for socks while a literal dead body sits not three feet from them - but he's feeling less stressed, at least.

Yay for small victories.

"We should head back upstairs," Dongho states, gaze flitting towards the dead body. "Maybe after we hide the body."

"Oh, yeah..."

* * *

Minsoo treats him like something precious, Jaewon thinks.

He feels like a flickering ember, barely even burning, and as Minsoo shuts the door and pulls Jaewon onto the bed, he's reminded of some movie somewhere, where the boy scout blew an ember back into a flame.

Minsoo flops down on the bed across from him, turning to face Jaewon - and now that Jaewon's looking, he can see the burned and blistered flesh on his forearm.

"Your arm-"

"Dae can fix it," Minsoo immediately replies, reaching out with his good arm to grasp Jaewon's wrist. "Want a hug?"

"Um..."

"You look like you need it."

From Minsoo's perspective-

he does.

There's a duality to Jaewon, right now - a new fire sparkling in his eyes and shimmering multicolored in his hair, but ash smeared over his hollow cheeks and wiry arms.

It looks like he's a god that's lost all hope.

Hopeless has never been a good look on Jaewon, Minsoo thinks. 

He reaches over to run his hand through Jaewon's fluffy hair, pulling the jacket back over the younger's shoulders. "You should see yourself right now, Jae-yah."

"What?"

"Not because you're a mess," Minsoo continues, nails scratching gently against Jaewon's scalp, "but because maybe then you could see yourself the way I see you."

"Hyung-"

It feels like Jaewon's running somewhere Minsoo can't follow.

"It's okay," Minsoo murmurs, and Jaewon sags into his chest - a puppet with its strings cut. "It's okay. It's okay."

"I- I-"

"I know, Jae-yah."

"I _killed him_ -"

"It's gonna be okay."

"But- but-"

"It doesn't matter to me, Jae-yah. It doesn't matter to me."

" _I just killed someone!_ "

"And it _doesn't matter to me_. I'm not going to look at you different, and I don't think hyung and Daehyun will, either."

"You _should_ ," Jaewon wails, and Minsoo sighs, burying his nose in Jaewon's hair.

"Maybe."

 _God_ , Minsoo is so afraid. He's afraid Jaewon's going to run somewhere, going to leave, going to go somewhere he can't follow, and whatever he does doesn't _matter_ , not if he's still here and safe.

(he understands dongho. just a little bit.)

He inhales, the acrid scent of burning mingling with Jaewon's soft smell of wood-smoke. "I'm not going anywhere, Jae-yah."

"You should leave," Jaewon sobs, the words barely understandable through his tears, and Minsoo shakes his head, gripping the younger man a little tighter. "I- you should-"

"I couldn't leave if I tried," Minsoo murmurs, and he knows it's true.

(jaewon's going to leave the rest of them behind, someday.

is it selfish of minsoo to want him to stay?)

"You should," Jaewon helplessly repeats, and he really has no idea, does he?

(if jaewon is a candle, then minsoo is the oxygen it consumes - willing to give himself up again and again for jaewon to take even one breath.

he understands dongho.)

"I can't leave you," Minsoo breathes, and _oh_ , he needs this - needs this like he needs Daehyun's sunshine smiles, needs this like he needs Dongho to keep him grounded. 

He needs all three of them, and that _scares him_.

"I can't leave you, Jae-yah, so please... don't ask me to."

"Hyung-"

"Just Minsoo," he corrects, then, quieter: "Please."

A shuddering exhale, and Jaewon reaches a shaking hand up to grip his arm. "...then you can just call me Jaewon."

"Jaewon," Minsoo murmurs, the name precious on his lips. "Jaewon..."

He rests his cheek on Jaewon's head, carding his fingers through the younger's hair. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You should," Jaewon whispers, voice ragged, flickering - a soft flame. "You all should."

"Unfortunately, I've never been the best at taking people's advice."

There's a moment of silence, and Minsoo sighs, hand falling to rub small circles into the younger's back. "...do you wanna go biking, Jae- Jaewon?"

He trips over the name a little, but the sentence comes out nonetheless. 

"Biking?" Jaewon asks, and Minsoo's breath catches as he shifts back, flame-river hair falling back into place.

(does jaewon see himself the way minsoo sees him?

no.)

"Motorbiking," Minsoo clarifies, and Jaewon's gaze falls to his arm.

"With your arm?"

"Do you think I can bike with my legs?"

"That's not what I meant."

Minsoo shrugs, staring down at the mess of burned flesh. "If I dunk my arm in the sink, maybe Dae can even heal the bone."

"Wait- _heal_?"

"Yeah...?" Minsoo trails off. "Wait- I didn't tell you?"

"No!" Jaewon nearly shrieks, and Minsoo quirks a half-grin.

"Oops."

His grin widens a bit, and he slides off the bed, heading for the closet. "Here. You can wear one of mine."

He chucks a tight black tee in Jaewon's direction, and the younger sighs once he sees it, expression blank. "Hyung, I really don't have a good body-"

"Yeah, but _I do_ , and it's _my_ shirt," Minsoo grins, pulling on a spare jacket Daehyun insisted he buy. "Therefore, you must wear it."

"I don't...?"

Minsoo snags another pair of jackets and toes on his shoes, leaning against the doorframe as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "You coming, Jae?"

Jaewon stares at him for a moment, and Minsoo smiles at him (a little soft, a little loving, a little bit hopeless). "They won't drive themselves, y'know."

"...okay."

Jaewon yanks on the t-shirt and pulls back on the jacket (it smells like rain and the ocean - daehyun and minsoo) and he buries his nose in its collar, inhaling the familiar smells. 

God, his heart is warm.

(he doesn't deserve them - not even close - but his traitorous heart beats for them anyways.)

Minsoo grasps his hand once he makes it to the door, interlacing their fingers and squeezing gently. "Hey," he murmurs, voice low, "I'm not going anywhere. You know that, right?"

Jaewon-

he _knows_ it's true, at least in the abstract sense, but he doesn't _believe_ it.

Why would Minsoo want to stay?

Why would Minsoo want to hold blood-covered hands?

"I know," he whispers, and Minsoo smiles, soft and gentle and _vulnerable_.

"Good. Never forget that, okay?"

For a moment, it feels like something's about to happen,

Minsoo lingers there, hand in Jaewon's and their faces mere inches apart, and he studies him, something warring in his eyes.

(but- dongho's words-

_"wouldn't you, if everyone you loved was dead?"_

he never gave jaewon an answer.

letting him down gently?

still. 

hope aches in his chest, and he can't bring himself to unchain it once more - to think that this situation is anything other than platonic.

after all.

dongho doesn't love jaewon.

but dongho does love minsoo.

and minsoo loves dongho.

so there's no way minsoo would choose jaewon over dongho.)

Minsoo's expression falls, something not unlike hurt gleaming in his eyes. "...I care about you, Jae. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Jaewon murmurs, but it's not enough.

Minsoo doesn't love him the way Jaewon wants him to.

Minsoo smiles, gentle and bright, and he leans forwards to press their foreheads together. "Great. Wouldn't want one of my favorite people to not know how much I love them."

Jaewon's heart stutters in his chest.

_Love?_

"I-"

"Let's go!" Minsoo grins, pulling Jaewon into the hall and down the stairs. 

(all the while, jaewon turns the single word over and over in his mind, left dazed by its implications.

love?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter... more minwon
> 
> i love minwon way too much whoops
> 
> recommended listening: desire by jeremy zucker or let me down slowly by alec benjamin. i wrote the whole chapter to those two
> 
> chapter title from jeremy zucker's desire


	26. we'll take the highway to heaven, on the 101 let's see just where it goes

Dongho and Jaewon gawp in tandem (or, well - jaewon gawps. dongho's lips part slightly, which is _basically_ the same thing) as Daehyun places his hand over the burn on Minsoo's arm, grinning to himself as the skin starts to knit itself back together.

"What?" Jaewon finally asks, and Daehyun stares at him, bewildered.

"You didn't know?"

"No, I didn't- _help Dongho-hyung_!"

"What's wrong with Dongho-hyung?" Daehyun asks, judging gaze shifting to the eldest.

Wow, Dongho sure does look interested in the ceiling.

"Hyung."

"He got shot in the arm, a cut on the head, and burned on the ribs."

Dongho sighs, and Daehyun shrieks, all but yanking Dongho's shirt off in his haste. "Why didn't you _tell me_?"

"If you wanted my shirt off, you just had to ask."

"Shut up, you suave asshole hyung."

He dribbles a liberal amount of water over the burn before placing his hand to the ruined skin, a soft sigh escaping his lips as it knits itself back together. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to worry you-"

"Well, now I'm just more worried."

Out of the corner of his eye, Jaewon can see Minsoo slip out the door, but before he can go after him, a hand grabs his wrist.

"You," Daehyun states, "are going to _sit down_ and take off your shirt so I can make sure you're not hiding any injuries from me."

"But-"

"No buts," Daehyun huffs, twisting the lid off a bottle of water. "Sit."

He punctuates this by dumping a bottle of water over Dongho's head.

Jaewon freezes, anticipating harsh rebuttal - though Dongho only sighs, flicking locks of wet hair out of his face. "Really?"

"Yes," Daehyun simply replies, placing his hands over the back of the eldest's head. "Hyung, do I need to pull your shirt off myself?"

"At least take him to dinner first," Dongho dryly remarks, and Daehyun smacks him. "You're going to hit the injured?"

"If you're feeling well enough to be annoying, you're fine," Daehyun quips, and Dongho smirks.

"Careful, Dae-yah. You sound like me."

"Oh, god- _Soo!_ I _told_ you Dongho-hyung was contagious!"

"I think that's just you realizing Dongho has all the power of a kitten," Minsoo calls from outside, and Daehyun scowls.

"Yeah, but that's still a _lot_ of power, hyung!"

"I feel like this conversation isn't being directed at the proper target," Dongho states, and Daehyun smacks him again.

"Hush. You're injured."

"Not my _mouth_!"

The mental image of fish-head Daehyun in a doctor's coat pops into Jaewon's head, and he chokes on air. 

_Oh, god_.

"Hyung?" Daehyun asks, and it takes Jaewon a moment to realize his face just went _bright_ red. "Are you okay?"

"Yep!" Jaewon squeaks, unwilling to make a fool of himself in front of Dongho. "I am! Great!"

"...okay," Daehyun trails off, visibly concerned. "Are you hiding any injuries?"

"His hands," Dongho states, and Jaewon shoots a betrayed glare at him.

Or, well- Jaewon's version of a betrayed glare, which really just looks like a kicked puppy. 

Daehyun frowns, taking a seat in front of Jaewon and pouring water over his palms. "These are really bad, hyung."

"...I know."

"They're probably gonna scar."

"That doesn't really matter," Jaewon smiles - though it's true. Those scratches are proof that he's alive, proof that Dongho's alive, proof that he could _do something_.

So no. He doesn't really mind them at all.

(they're also a testament to his failure, but. he doesn't like thinking about that part.)

Daehyun stares at him, concern flashing in his eyes, but he's cut off by shouts from outside.

"Hey! Dae-Jae and Dongho-hyung!"

Minsoo bounds into the room, a pair of keys hanging off his finger. "Wanna ride?"

Daehyun _chokes_.

"Minsoo-"

"I call Jaewon!" the leader enthuses, bounding over to drape himself over the younger man. "You two can have the other one!"

"Other one?" Dongho asks, wincing as Daehyun pokes his shoulder.

"I found motorcycles," Minsoo grins, and Dongho's eyes spark with something like competition.

"You sure you wanna race?"

" _Race_?" Jaewon squeaks, and Minsoo nods.

"Let's go, hyung."

* * *

Jaewon wraps his arms around Minsoo's waist and presses his head to the elder's back, gaze drifting towards Dongho and Daehyun. Dongho seems to be... lecturing Daehyun on motorcycle safety, though he's periodically interrupted by Daehyun kissing him (something he seems pleasantly amused by). Minsoo, on the other hand-

"Are you excited?"

"I'm terrified," Jaewon admits, and he feels rather than hears Minsoo's laugh.

"I won't let you fall, Jae. I promise. I can control the wind, remember?"

"But-"

"Trust me."

And for some reason-

Jaewon does.

"Ready!" Minsoo calls, and Jaewon tightens his grip. "Three... two... one... go!"

The bike jerks forwards, and Jaewon shrieks, digging his nails into the fabric of Minsoo's tee. The leader's laughing - he can hear Daehyun screaming on the other side, and he glances over, gaze landing on a visibly-focused Dongho.

Minsoo swerves a bit, executing a sharp turn before speeding down another street, and Jaewon's gaze flits to the sky, the stars the only source of light.

"How do you know where you're going?" he calls, and Minsoo doesn't respond. "Minsoo?"

Minsoo turns once more, and the wind rushes by, tugging Jaewon's hair into knots. The cold cuts through his jacket, and he shivers, watching as shells of buildings zip by.

It's a destroyed city, truly.

"Hyung-"

They speed onto a bridge, and Minsoo whoops, pushing the motorcycle even faster. Jaewon shrieks, gripping the elder's shirt for dear life, and Minsoo laughs, a sound halfway between a triumphant shout and an exclamation of pure glee. "Live a little, Jae!"

" _We're gonna die_!"

"Trust me!" Minsoo shouts, and Jaewon relinquishes his stranglehold on Minsoo's shirt, giving himself up to the wind. 

The air dances around them, hot and cold at the same time, and Jaewon laughs as his jacket flaps in the breeze. "Are you doing this?"

"Maybe!" Minsoo calls, twisting just long enough to flash Jaewon an impish grin. "What're you gonna do?"

Jaewon responds by summoning fire. 

It comes out of nowhere - one instant, nothing, and the next, a flame. Before Minsoo can comment, Jaewon casts hundreds of orbs in the air, and for a moment, it looks like they're speeding through rush-hour traffic.

Minsoo inhales sharply, and Jaewon stares, unsure of where the flames came from.

That's not something he can do?

"Beautiful," Minsoo breathes, and it takes Jaewon a moment to realize Minsoo's talking to him. "So beautiful."

The motorcycle slows to a stop, and Minsoo turns, cupping Jaewon's face in his hands. "Beautiful," he repeats, staring into Jaewon's eyes, and Jaewon-

doesn't understand.

Minsoo looks stunning in this lighting - hair messy and face fire-lit - and if anything, _he's_ the beautiful one.

"God, Jae-"

He cuts himself off, leaning in until their lips are mere inches apart. "Do you know how beautiful you are?"

Jaewon gapes at him, and Minsoo grins, leaning even-closer. "Let me show you."

Minsoo's lips land on Jaewon's-

and he forgets how to breathe.

A hand snakes through his hair as another wraps around his waist, and Jaewon gasps, eyes shooting open as Minsoo pulls him closer. For a moment, all he can smell is rain, and all he can see is Minsoo's face, and then lips land on his once more, and Jaewon shuts up.

Kissing Minsoo is like skydiving - complete trust, and feeling nothing but the wind around you. It's _intoxicating_ , and _god_ , Jaewon never thought he'd ever be able to feel this.

Not to mention-

he tastes like mint.

After what feels like an eternity (but is probably just a few seconds) Minsoo pulls back, eyes half-lidded and lips spit-slick. "You're a good kisser."

"Thanks?" Jaewon helplessly replies, and Minsoo grins, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead. 

"Hold on tight, Jae!"

He turns back around and slams on the accelerator, leaving Jaewon to scramble for fistfuls of his shirt as the bike leaps forwards. "Min-"

"We gotta win the race!" Minsoo shouts, and Jaewon wraps his arms around Minsoo's waist, pressing his face into the elder's shoulder. 

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"'Cause I love you!"

* * *

"Where are they?"

Dongho scowls as he stares out at the city, and Daehyun shrugs, plopping down on the ground next to him.

"Probably making out, honestly."

"I don't think so," Dongho mutters, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I hope not."

"Why? Are you _jealous_?"

Daehyun grins as he leans against the wall, and Dongho's eyebrow twitches.

"I liked you better when you weren't teasing me every second."

"It's an honest question!" Daehyun protests, lips pursing into a pout. "Are you jealous that they're making out?"

"..."

"Called it," Daehyun hums, folding his arms over his chest. "Y'know, you can't just keep stringing Shark-hyung along like this."

"Shark?"

"Jaewon-hyung."

Daehyun casts his gaze towards the sky, a soft sigh escaping his lips. "You love him, hyung. Anyone can see it. Why don't you tell him?"

( _"i love you, hyung."_ )

"...how do you feel?"

"I thought we went over this?"

"Probably. Humor me."

"...I love him. I love him a lot. I want to see him smile, and I want to make him happy. I want to kiss him and hug him and cuddle with him and just- I love him, hyung."

"Then why haven't you told him?"

"Same reason as you. 'm scared."

"Then why do you want me to tell him if you can't tell him yourself?"

"I can be a hypocrite if I want to!"

Dongho grins, and Daehyun beams in kind. "You have a cute smile, hyungie~"

The roar of a motorcycle fills the air, and both men turn, only for their gazes to land on Minsoo and Jaewon. 

"Were you two making out?" Dongho calls, and Minsoo laughs while Jaewon blushes to the tips of his ears.

"How'd you know, hyung?"

"..."

"What?" Daehyun squawks, offense shining in his eyes. "You kissed Jaewon-hyung before me? I thought I would be the first!"

Before either party can protest, he bounds over to the motorcycle, pressing a quick kiss to Jaewon's lips before planting his hands on his hips, a wide grin on his face. "See? I can do it!"

"You're blushing," Dongho dryly remarks, and Daehyun squawks. 

"I can blush if I want to!"

"So you want to blush?"

"Yes! No! Agh, this is hard!"

Minsoo winks at him, and Daehyun whines, hiding his face in his hands. "Oh my god, I just did that. Soo-"

"You're cute," Minsoo unhelpfully replies, and Daehyun screams a little.

Just a little.

Jaewon, on the other hand, looks like he's about to melt with how red his face is. Noticing this, Minsoo does the only thing he can in this situation.

"Hey, baby, are you on fire?"

Jaewon blinks at him, trying to surreptitiously check himself for flames, and Minsoo shoots finger-guns at him, winking impishly.

"Because you're pretty _hot_."

For a moment, nobody moves.

"He's right, you know."

Dongho _had_ a filter. He's not sure where it _went_ , but he _had_ one.

Jaewon screams a little bit, leaning forwards to bury his face in Minsoo's back, and the leader looks absolutely _thrilled_ by this turn of events. Daehyun's nodding like a bobblehead, and Dongho's having a miniature mental meltdown, all of his carefully constructed systems failing in the face of sudden and severe Jaewon.

"Is hyung okay?" Jaewon whispers, and Minsoo shrugs, climbing off the bike and moving over to poke Dongho's cheek.

"Hyung? Hyung? You alive in there?"

"Yep," Dongho weakly replies, and Minsoo nods.

"He's okay."

"I don't understand," Jaewon murmurs, and Daehyun quirks a brow, concern shining in his eyes. 

"What's wrong, hyung?"

"I don't-"

Jaewon's gaze falls to his hands, and he screws his eyes shut, sucking in a shuddering breath. "Why are you guys being so nice?"

"What?"

It's Minsoo that says it, and the leader leans against the bike, expression unreadable. "What do you mean, Jaewon?"

"You're being so nice," Jaewon helplessly replies, "and I just... I don't get why?"

"Because we love you," Daehyun simply states, and Jaewon freezes.

His eyes flicker to Dongho, and the elder bites his lower lip, but meets his gaze. 

"Really?" Jaewon whispers, and he sounds so _small_ -

(did he really doubt their love for him that much?)

"Oh, hyung-"

Daehyun wraps Jaewon in a tight hug, pulling him to his feet and pressing a kiss to his temple, and Minsoo joins him on the other side, hooking his chin over Jaewon's shoulder and wrapping his arms around the younger man's waist. 

Jaewon sniffs into Daehyun's shirt, and the youngest reaches up to stroke his hair, Minsoo rubbing gentle circles over his hip. "You're loved," he whispers, and Minsoo nods. "You're loved so much more than you know."

Another pair of arms wrap around Jaewon's waist, and Dongho sighs, pushing a lock of red hair behind the younger's ear. "...I should've said it sooner, and I'm sorry for that, but... I love you too, Jae-yah."

Jaewon _sobs_ at that, and Daehyun wipes away his tears, Minsoo whispering soft reassurances into his hair. "I- I-"

"I know," Dongho breathes, clutching Jaewon as tightly as he can. "I know, Jae-yah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact - the motorcycle scene is one of three scenes i had in mind when i started this fic. the first was minsoo and dongho talking on the first night, this is the second, and the third hasn't happened yet :D
> 
> FINALLY THEY KISS AAAAAAAAAAAAA IT ONLY TOOK 26 CHAPTERS
> 
> hi hello am i crying? yes. i just. i love them sm ok-
> 
> unedited, pls point out typos!!!
> 
> also the lyrics are from the highway to heaven ~~sex version~~ english version


	27. paper hearts, and i hold a piece of yours, don't think i would just forget about it

Jaewon presses his cheek into the fabric of Dongho's jacket, screwing his eyes shut as tears threaten to spill.

He's such a fool.

Such a stupid, stupid, _stupid_ fool.

Of course Dongho was lying.

Of course Dongho doesn't actually love him.

Dongho's a good actor, he knows. He probably just said he loves him in order to make Daehyun and Minsoo happy. 

After all-

Jaewon isn't enough for him.

Never will be.

The wind tugs his jacket in all directions, and he tightens his grip on Dongho's waist, holding on desperately before it stops.

Is he okay with this?

Is he okay knowing Dongho doesn't love him?

It _hurts_ , somehow - hurts in a way and to a depth Jaewon didn't know anything could.

Dongho doesn't talk like Minsoo did - and why would he? Dongho doesn't like him like Minsoo does (if minsoo really does like him, and isn't just lying to make him feel better) and why would he even want to talk to Jaewon, anyways?

These moments feel like a suspended prism, hanging over the floor. Beautiful, but transparent - fragile.

(jaewon doesn't want his happiness to shatter, even if it is a lie. he wants so desperately for it to be true-

but life doesn't work that way.

and no matter how much jaewon hopes, dongho will never love him.)

He sucks in a breath, loosening his grip on Dongho's waist.

Dongho probably doesn't like how clingy he is. Jaewon can't blame him.

(the air is cold. not warm, like with minsoo - ice-cold.)

* * *

They pull up to a jewelry shop, and Jaewon jolts awake, eyes flying open as Dongho guides the bike to a stop.

"Wha'?" he mumbles, reaching up to rub his eyes. "Where're we?"

Dongho climbs off the bike, heading into the store, and Jaewon scrambles after him, hoping and praying Dongho won't leave him behind. 

Which-

Dongho wouldn't do. That's not the kind of person he is.

Jaewon's brain won't accept that, though.

"Why're we here, hyung?"

"I wanted to get Daehyun and Minsoo rings," Dongho replies, and Jaewon blinks at him, heart plummeting.

He was right.

"Why?"

"In case we split up again," Dongho murmurs, surveying the display cases. "I want to get them proof that I'm coming back."

Oh.

That... shouldn't hurt as much as it does.

(does jaewon not get that promise?

what a dumb question.

of course dongho wouldn't come back for him.)

"What kind of thing are you looking for?" he asks, and Dongho frowns.

"Maybe matching ones? Unless they make three of one kind of ring."

"Three?"

"One for me, too."

Jaewon's heart twinges at that - though it shouldn't. 

God, he's such a fool.

A hopeless, love-struck fool.

"You want something green?" he finally asks, and Dongho stares at him for a moment before nodding, something flickering in his dark eyes. "Cool. I'll see what I can do."

They work in silence for a few minutes before Dongho taps his shoulder, and Jaewon turns, gaze landing on a pair of silver rings with a thin strip of emerald in the center.

Simple, sleek, and unobtrusive.

Perfect for Dongho.

"What do you think?"

"They're great," Jaewon forces out, trying to speak around the lump in his throat. "I'm sure they'll love them."

"Can you hold them for a second?"

A bit cruel, Jaewon thinks, Dongho asking him to hold rings he'll never get to wear-

but then again, he never could say no to Dongho. 

He runs his thumb over the thin line, turning the ring this way and that to catch the gem in the faint light. 

They're going to love it.

After all- 

it's Dongho in ring form. Sleek, simple, and beautiful.

(jaewon wishes he could be like that)

"Back," Dongho hums, and Jaewon blinks, turning to face the elder.

There's something in his hand.

"What?"

It's a necklace - one with a thin silver chain and a small leaf-shaped charm dangling from it, and Jaewon-

doesn't understand.

"Do you like it?"

Jaewon doesn't understand.

"What?"

"I thought you might like a necklace more," Dongho explains, unhooking the clasp and winding the chain around his neck. "Since you control fire with your hands, I didn't want the metal to burn you."

What?

"Why?"

Dongho blinks at him, apparently taken aback. "What?"

"Why are you giving this to me?"

Jaewon reaches up to rub the charm with his thumb, stroking the gentle rises and falls in the leaf look-alike. "I don't... why?"

Dongho stares at him for a moment, gaze _immeasurably_ sad, and he raises a hand to cup Jaewon's cheek, thumb brushing over his cheekbone. "Because I love you, Jae-yah."

"But-"

Jaewon cuts himself off, gripping the charm as tightly as he can (and why? is he afraid dongho's going to rip the chain off his neck and shout "sike!" and tell jaewon the words that've been dancing around his head for just short of forever?). "I don't..."

Dongho's gaze flickers with something for a moment, and he brushes a strand of sweaty hair out of Jaewon's face, hand coming to rest just next to his eye. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jaewon whispers, stepping out of Dongho's grip. "It's- it's nothing."

"Jae-yah."

Dongho steps forwards, and Jaewon screws his eyes shut, fighting the tears that threaten to spill. "Please tell me."

How?

How can Jaewon ask this?

How can Jaewon just- just _ask_ if Dongho lied? If he _wasn't_ lying - which Jaewon doubts - then it might make him upset, and if he _was_ lying, then Jaewon has to hear a truth he desperately wants to avoid.

"It's nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing."

Jaewon swallows, gaze falling to his feet. "I just... you said that you, um. Lost everyone you loved, and I. I get that you don't feel about me the way you feel about Daehyun-ah and Minsoo, but, um. I was just a bit upset over that. It's nothing. I'll get over it."

Lie. He doesn't think this will ever go away.

Because he's looking at his shoes, he doesn't see the look of _horror_ on Dongho's face at his words. Doesn't see the way sadness settles into his eyes. 

He does, however, feel it when Dongho kisses him. 

Jaewon's gaze snaps upright, eyes widening as Dongho pulls him close. Long fingers coax tangles out of his hair, and Dongho's other arm winds around his waist, holding him close.

He's a good kisser, Jaewon deliriously notes, losing himself to strong arms and soft lips.

And _oh, oh_ -

"Jaewon," Dongho breathes, breath ghosting over Jaewon's cheeks, "I'm so sorry."

And Jaewon-

 _stares_.

"What?"

(the phantom touch of dongho's lips still buzz on his - a beautiful memory.)

"I just-"

Dongho rakes a hand through his hair, and Jaewon only has a moment to mourn the loss of contact before another arm wraps around his waist. "Is that why you were so quiet, earlier?"

"..."

His silence seems to be answer enough.

Dongho makes this tiny, pained sound, and he shakes his head, vulnerability shining in his eyes in a way Jaewon's never quite seen. "God, Jae-yah- I'm so sorry."

"Why?"

"I love you," Dongho breathes, shaking his head slowly. "I never- I never wanted to make you feel like this, I just-"

"You _left me_ ," Jaewon whispers, fresh tears stinging his eyes. "You _were going to_ leave me."

"Jae-"

" _Why_?"

Jaewon chokes on a sob, reaching up to press his hands to his eyes. "Why, hyung?"

"I just... I thought you'd be able to move on."

It's lame, and Dongho knows it.

(also partly a lie. mostly a lie. entirely a lie.

he hoped, but he didn't know shit.)

"...what?"

"Like- with all your flings," Dongho explains, and Jaewon's shaking his head now, unable to believe his ears. "You always seem to get over them so fast, so I thought-"

"I've never dated anyone."

Dongho stares at him, all words dying on his lips.

"All of those scandals were fake," Jaewon whispers, reaching up to rub the gentle bumps of the charm. "I've never dated anyone. I've only kissed four or five people. I just... is that what you think of me?"

"What?"

"Do you- do you think love means that little to me?"

Jaewon stares at him, now, tears shimmering in his eyes. "Do you think I take love that lightly?"

Dongho-

doesn't know how to respond to that.

Because, honestly?

He should've known.

Jaewon - as he knows him - is nothing like Wyld.

He should've known this wasn't right. He should've known one plus one doesn't equal three.

But he just believed it.

Like a fool.

"Jae-"

"I love you," Jaewon sobs, emotions pouring out of him like a broken dam. "God, hyung- I love you so much that it hurts to breathe. I love you, and I love Minsoo, and I love Dae-yah, and I just- I can't _exist_ without you. I can't- I can't _do this_ without you. And I never- I would never take love lightly like that. I never wanted to be the kind of person who would take love lightly like that."

( _"Y'know, I always wanted to come here with my partner. I always dreamed I'd find someone who'd come here with me, and we could just... be us for a moment, y'know?"_

_"It's funny, a bit. Being with you guys... the dark never scared me when I was with you. I guess I knew subconsciously that you could fight it off? That no matter how dark things got, as long as I had you by my side... it would be okay. I think I've always known that, somehow."_

_"They loved you. Is this what they would've wanted?"_ )

He should've seen. 

He should've known.

"Jae-"

"I'm sorry," Jaewon gasps, taking a step back. "I'm so sorry, hyung."

Dongho-

doesn't know how to fix this.

(why does it feel like finding daehyun and minsoo cost him jaewon?)

"No, Jae-"

Dongho cuts himself off, unsure of what to do. "...you have nothing to be sorry for," he finally states, and Jaewon stares at him, tears dripping off his chin. "God, Jaewon, I- I'm so sorry."

"What?"

"There aren't enough words to apologize to you. I just- I'm so, so sorry, Jaewon."

"It's not your fault," Jaewon murmurs, and Dongho wants to cry.

"No, Jae- it's all my fault."

"But-"

"You did nothing wrong," Dongho promises, and Jaewon sniffs, shoulders shaking with the force of his sobs. "Nothing."

"H-Hyung-"

"Just Dongho. Please."

"...Dongho..."

"Apologies can't fix this," Dongho murmurs, and Jaewon stares at him, bloodshot eyes shimmering with tears. "All I can do is promise to do better."

"But-"

"I _promise you_ , Ahn Jaewon."

Dongho grips his shoulders, dark gaze boring into Jaewon's own. "I promise you I will do better."

"H-"

Jaewon cuts himself off, tears rolling freely down his cheeks. "Dongho..."

"I want to be someone worthy of you," and that is it, isn't it? Dongho doesn't deserve Jaewon. "I want to be better for you, and for myself."

Jaewon stares at him, and for a moment, neither one says a word.

"I love you," Dongho repeats, a little helpless, a little hoping. "God, Jae-yah- I love you so much. Please, let me show you."

"...just Jaewon."

"Hm?"

"Just Jaewon," the younger repeats, hope flickering in those dark eyes. "Please."

"...Jaewon," Dongho murmurs, and smiles - a soft, genuine smile. "Thank you."

Seconds later, the window explodes.

"Oh, are you _fucking kidding me_?"

Dongho wraps his arms around Jaewon's waist and hauls him behind the counter, a hand over the younger man's head to protect him from spraying glass. They drop to the ground, Dongho's head coming to rest against the cabinet, and Jaewon looks to be holding his breath next to him, seeming almost sick.

"I," someone hisses, and Dongho raises his head, gaze meeting a pair of bright silver eyes, "am _done playing around_."

Jaewon trembles in Dongho's grasp, and the elder man shakes his head, ducking back under the counter to cast his gaze towards the roof. 

This is because of Absy.

Oh, Jaewon...

"This ends here!" Nisi shouts, fury blazing in his eyes. "I'm going to kill you right here, right now!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're in the endgame now
> 
> this moved faster than i expected hjkhfgdjk i'm kinda glad!! then i can actually set my hiatus (approx 10 days) between the two arcs
> 
> (yes, this story will have two arcs. for those of you who like this, i guess that's good news? for those of you who hope and pray for this to be over, i am so very sorry.)
> 
> next chapter might be a little bit different, so look forwards to that!!! if it is, then sorry to keep you guys in suspense for an extra day, haha
> 
> chapter title from tori kelly's paper hearts & jungkook's cover


	28. how long does it take to reach my dream? in that question, only gunshots mark time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a chapter focusing on the OCs, yes. i am very very sorry.
> 
> but!!! this will come into play soon. trust me.

Again.

Nile rakes a hand through his hair, staring up at the scoreboard.

Harder. Faster. Stronger. Better.

He always has to be better.

He wipes his hands on his pants, pushing pitch-black hair from his eyes. 

He's up against Zayn next, and, well-

he'd be lying if he said he wasn't scared.

He stares down at his hands - down at the dried blood caked under his fingernails - and he sighs, gaze flitting back to the arena. 

Two more.

Only two more, and then he can stop.

(a pipe dream. he knows he can never stop.)

The doors slide open, and he takes a step into the arena, the feeling of too-little air nearly causing him to stagger.

He doesn't, of course. 

(but, well-

there's only enough air for one, and there only needs to be.)

Zayn stares at him from across the arena, silver eyes reflecting boredom, and Nile holds his chin high, trying not to think of the hundreds of bodies he's already disposed of. 

_Aerys, Callum, Kai-_

Four hundred, and now four.

The faint thrum of abilities under his skin has grown to a full song, hundreds of nerves firing in tandem to manipulate the air however he wishes.

(it's better this way. better than having to snap someone's neck with his bare hands.

he still sees those eyes - black and empty and so, so cold.)

"Begin."

* * *

Nile stares at his reflection, cataloguing the minute differences.

Sharper jaw. Thicker hair.

Silver eyes.

...isn't it funny that he no longer remembers what he looked like?

Before all of this - before he was determined to have that faint _wisp_ of magic, before they took him to this facility in the name of serving his nation, _before before before_ \- he must've looked some sort of way. Did he have chubby cheeks? A crooked nose?

Was he imperfect?

He must've been. 

He, as _himself_ was imperfect. Must've been. 

After all, the only ones truly perfect are the victors of the trials.

His fingers trace his chin, his nose, memorizing the shape of each.

It's all going to change tomorrow, one way or another. 

After all, he's either leaving as a victor, or as a body. 

Kay catches his gaze from across the room, and his stare drops to his feet, unable to stare a dead man in the eye.

Silver eyes.

Silver hair.

Either way, only one of them will leave alive.

* * *

(before all of this, did he love?

undoubtedly.

love- love in these whitewashed quarters always has an expiry date. always an end.

you just hope and pray you're not the one who has to tear out their heart.

someone's going to. someone always does.

you just hope and fucking pray it isn't you.)

* * *

When Nile first met Kay, it was the first day.

Kay was this tiny, scrawny thing - greasy hair, wide eyes, crooked nose and awkward smile - but from the start, Nile hoped he'd survive.

(dax did, too. dax cared about kay - wanted him to live, even to the detriment of himself - but in a different way than nile.

dax cared enough about kay to stab himself and only make kay finish the job.

you can only hope you don't have to kill the person you love.)

Nile, on the other hand-

he had friends.

Erik, Oriso, Miki-

he had friends.

All three dead in one round, though-

and he stopped trying.

Nile never really grew too close to Kay, but everyone knew him or knew _of_ him. The youngest in their batch. 

Kay.

So young, so small, so painfully innocent-

(and then so painfully _not_ -)

-and Nile just.

If not him, then Kay. It's nice that they're the last two.

But Nile isn't just going to lie down and take this.

He's going to fight to the bitter fucking end, whatever that may be.

* * *

The blood never comes off.

As Kay's body drops to the ground, Nile stumbles, a fresh wave of power washing over him. Black hair turns silver, and as he stands, a wave of applause washes over him.

After all, Kay was just-

too weak.

(little kay, little kay who loved cats and the sun and flowers-

but kay hasn't been little for a long time.

nile knew that. knows that. can't argue with that.)

"Nisitus," the leader calls, and he straightens, discarding the old name as one would a pair of too-small shoes. "Well done."

Kay's blood seeps into his shoes, and he nods, quick and jerky.

"Thank you, my lord."

Acastios smiles at him - charitable, grandfatherly - and he offers a hand, silver hair shining in the bright lights.

(is that what he is now? one of these unearthly creatures?)

He takes it.

* * *

Control isn't an easy thing to grasp.

The first night he wakes up from a nightmare, the wind sweeps the contents from his walls and upends his dresser, tossing his few belongings to and fro. 

It's all _there_ , a wailing shriek under his skin, and he claws at his temples, a broken wail escaping his lips.

He wants it _gone_ he wants it _out_ he wants the blood to come _off_ he _never wanted this_ -

"Nisitus," someone snaps, and he chokes on a wheeze as the air in the room disappears, snatched up by someone far stronger than he. "I expected better."

 _Fucking Christ_ , Nisitus wants to scream, _what did they expect? Perfect control?_

They threw him in a cage with a monster and expected it not to eat him alive.

 _Focus, Nisitus_.

He knows what happens to the people who can't control their abilities.

(it's why only the best of the best make it out alive.

and he has to be the best.

they won't accept anything else.)

* * *

Training is hell, and he didn't expect otherwise.

 _Control_ , they preach, and he _understands_. 

_If you cannot control, Nisitus, you are not fit for the field._

After all-

friendly fire.

Wind is just as likely to destroy as it is to save, and the burden to push it one way or the other falls on him.

Can't risk multiple Victors on an unfocused Eastern. 

Harder. Faster. Stronger. Better.

Always.

* * *

The first mission he's on, he nearly throws up.

His squad captain - a Western Province man named Basix - orders them to stand in the center, and he takes his place, extending his hand and reciting the words.

Hundreds of millions of lives disappear, just like that.

It's... oddly easy. Almost disgustingly so.

Zetades - a calm, collected man from the Northern Province - places a hand on his back as he vomits onto dry earth, and god, he's so grateful.

So disgustingly fucking grateful.

(it gets easier. he stops thinking about it, and it gets easier.

after all, he never has to see the aftermath.)

* * *

He's selected to lead a squad.

It's nice, honestly. Not working under someone else for once.

The first one he meets is the one from the Western Province - Celios. He's seen a lot, seen _enough_ , knows to take things seriously - Nisitus likes him. 

The next is from the Northern Province - Thyestos. He's not as calm and placid as most Northerners seem to be, but he's got some experience, so he's tolerable.

And then there's Absyronis. 

God, _Absyronis_.

He's from the Southern Province, and it _shows_.

He has the general attitude of someone who doesn't give a single _shit_ about authority, nor does he care about rules or regulations.

He just wants fame.

(they do things different in the southern province, nisitus knows. nobody from the eastern province wants fame.

not when he can still feel so much blood on his hands.)

Still. They're _his_ squad. _His_ responsibility.

 _His_ people to protect.

(people to protect the way he couldn't protect kay.)

Nisitus won't let anyone else die. Not if he can prevent it.

Never again.

He won't let anyone die ever again.

* * *

"Why are we even out here?"

Thy stuff his hands into his pockets, a drawn-out sigh escaping his lips. "Absy's a big boy. He'll come back when he's ready."

"Shut up," Nisi snaps, and Thy quirks a brow.

"Don't gotta be a dick about it... damn."

"Focus," Celi chastises, and Nisi sighs, screwing his eyes shut.

"He went this way."

They know what happened as soon as they round the corner.

Scorch marks litter the ground, and the front wall of the hotel is missing.

No.

He strides into the building on autopilot, gaze landing on Absy's body - his face covered with a loose rag. Bright red marks stand out on his throat, and when Nisi pulls back the rag, he knows what must've happened.

Someone strangled him.

Someone strangled him with their bare hands.

(he knows these marks well)

"Nisitus," Celi warns, and the leader sucks in a shuddering breath, trying to tamp down his rage and fury.

Not again. 

He swore never again.

"Where the fuck are they, Celios?"

"There are two a few blocks away," Celi reports, and Nisi nods - quick, jerky, harsh. 

"Take me to them."

* * *

When the one with dark hair charges at him, Nisi isn't even surprised.

He deflects, a quick one-two - knocks him into the air and slams him to the ground. Nisitus can see it when he reaches for the ground - eyes widening - and he kicks him across the room, letting him slump against the wall in a dazed heap.

_"Dongho!"_

He can see it, now - the flame-red hair, the dark eyes - and he _knows_.

"You killed him."

The man's eyes widen, and his gaze flits towards Dongho - just for a moment.

It's enough.

Nisi hurls himself at him with a scream, and the man ducks, allowing Nisi to rebound against the wall and kick him into the cabinet. Glass sprays around them, and the man slams a flaming fist into Nisi's chest - but it's sloppy. 

Nothing like Absy, when he wasn't holding back.

Fury fuels Nisi's movements, then, and he grasps the man's arm and _twists_ , yanking until he hears something snap.

_"Get away from him!"_

Dongho launches himself at him, and Nisi drops into a crouch, digging his foot into the man's chest and sending him crashing into the wall. Someone screams, and the room erupts into flames, though it's child's play for Nisi to throw up a full-body shield.

He charges forwards, flames lapping at his body, and he catches sight of terrified brown eyes before he wraps the man in a bubble, containing the fire in with its out of control wielder.

_"Jaewon!"_

Dongho charges at him once more, a shard of glass in his hand, but Nisi deflects him with a wave of his hand. 

"Stay down," he hisses.

Inside the bubble, he can see the man - Jaewon - gasping for breath, and with the amount of smoke in it, he's not surprised.

He tightens it.

Jaewon's eyelids flutter, and he collapses, the fire extinguishing as he does. 

Not enough. 

He needs to die in agony, Nisi thinks. Needs to die in _pain_.

After all-

that's how Absy died.

Let him choke.

"Nisi."

Celi places a hand on his shoulder, and he wheels, eyes narrowing at the sight of disapproval on the Westerner's face. "What?"

"Maybe we should use them as bait?"

"...you're afraid."

He knows he's hit a nerve when Celi takes a step back, and he laughs, a short, bark-like thing. 

"You're _afraid_. Afraid of getting more blood on your hands."

"You're ignoring a tactical opportunity," Thy points out, and Nisi glares at him.

"You're afraid too, Thy?"

"Not afraid. I just think that using them as bait might be a better idea. You saw how the silver one reacted to seeing the blond one in danger. They'll come for them."

"Then we only need one alive."

"And make them angrier? They'll fight harder if one of them is dead, you know."

"A problem we could solve if we kill them both now and hide the bodies."

"Think about it. You fight harder to avenge than you do to protect. And this way, we can kill all four of them at once."

Nisi releases the bubble, letting Jaewon's limp form flop to the ground. "I suppose you're right. Let's go, then."

"Where?"

"A place they can't possibly ignore us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter before things really get going!!! jaewon just got cURBSTOMPED tho-
> 
> wonder how that lack of control is going to go with daehyun and minsoo
> 
> title from puma by txt


	29. i'll be your safe space, i'll be your shelter

Minsoo's heart stops for the first time when he hears the message.

It's carried on the wind, a gentle whisper floating through the entire city. 

Only a few words.

_"We have your friends. Come to the tallest building in the city."_

From the looks of it, Daehyun heard it too.

Minsoo immediately leaps off the roof, cushioning his fall with the wind and landing on the motorcycle. Daehyun leaps after him, and Minsoo catches him, plopping him on the seat behind him before turning on the ignition and speeding towards the building.

"Stop by the hotel!" Daehyun calls, and Minsoo growls, pushing the bike even faster. "Minsoo! We need to get our weapons!"

"I- I know, okay, I just-"

Oh. Minsoo's stressing out.

That's what this situation needs.

"Minsoo, pull the fuck over."

Minsoo shakes his head, and Daehyun really wants to fucking scream.

"Lee Minsoo, pull this fucking bike over."

 _Finally_ , Minsoo listens to him. 

As soon as the bike stops, Daehyun grabs Minsoo's shoulders and _squeezes_ as hard as he can, trying to tether Minsoo to the here and now. And he looks like - he looks like he wants to _run_ , though to where, Daehyun isn't sure. Towards Dongho and Jaewon? Out of the city and away from everyone? Fuck only knows. " _Breathe_ , Minsoo. You're not going to be any help to them if you're freaking out."

"How- how can I do that? They could- they could be _dead_."

" _Breathe_."

Daehyun grasps Minsoo's hand and places it over his chest, letting the elder feel his thudding heartbeat. "Match my breathing, okay?"

"...'kay."

His gaze lands on Minsoo's dark eyes, and he focuses on breathing - slow, even, measured - while the elder struggles to regulate his own. The air smells a bit like ash - something's burning, somewhere - but in this moment, all that exists is them.

After a few minutes, Minsoo exhales, eyes fluttering shut before he turns back to the handlebars. "Stopping by the hotel and then to the skyscraper, right?"

"Yep," Daehyun affirms, and Minsoo nods, though Daehyun can see him start to tense up. "You drive. I'm gonna try something."

He wraps his arms around Minsoo's waist and pulls up the elder's shirt - just enough to brush his fingertips over the skin of Minsoo's stomach. He shivers, and Daehyun hums, eyes fluttering shut as he tries to exude _calm_.

It's... not very successful.

Logically speaking, it _should_ work. It's the same basic principle as healing - but that needs a conduit. Does this need a conduit? Daehyun doesn't think it does.

Wow, he's overthinking this.

"Thanks," Minsoo murmurs, and Daehyun smiles, though inside-

what can he do?

He hasn't tried to use his ability for fighting at _all_. Without a sword, he's defenseless.

He feels like one of those squishy clerics in the games Minsoo always plays. Which _sucks_ , because he _hates_ being squishy.

Minsoo pulls up to the hotel, and Daehyun hops off, running into the burned building before Minsoo can so much as move. It's a good idea - mostly because Minsoo is _still_ stressing out, and also because Daehyun is around ninety percent sure Minsoo would trip and stab himself with the katana due to said stressing out - though Minsoo doesn't seem to think so, based on the offended shouts that ring through the air.

By the time Daehyun returns, Minsoo is sulking (unsurprisingly), and Daehyun gives him a quick peck on the cheek before hopping on the back of the bike, both weapons stored safely in their Super-Cool Carrying Case™ (a bag minsoo found and then repurposed). He barely has an instant to grab Minsoo's waist before the bike leaps forwards, and he shrieks, holding on even tighter. 

They're both going to die.

* * *

"Oh," Nisi hums, gazing out at the city. "They're on their way."

"Fuck you," Dongho spits, and Nisi rolls his eyes, folding his arms over his chest. 

"So crude."

"Says you," Thy hums, and Nisi's eyebrow twitches.

"You're not going to beat them," Dongho hisses, though he's aware most of the fury in his voice is misdirected. "Minsoo's the strongest person I know."

 _Lie._ That was Jaewon.

But now, Jaewon's curled up in a floating orb, barely even breathing, and Dongho's equally trapped, so really, Minsoo and Daehyun are their only options.

Daehyun-

Daehyun worries him.

Minsoo's scrappy, he knows. Minsoo won't stop fighting unless he's dead.

Daehyun, though. 

He's not worried about his _will_ \- no. This is about his _capabilities_.

The short answer: he does not think Daehyun is physically capable of fighting these guys.

But he's supposed to be holding hope in Minsoo and Daehyun. He has to trust them.

His gaze strays, once again, to Jaewon - his broken arm cradled to his chest and crimson hair eclipsing his eyes. He can see the necklace dangling from his neck, and for a moment, a sharp pang of _fury_ shoots through him - both at himself, and at the people who rendered Jaewon this helpless. 

"Hey."

Thy taps on the outside of his bubble, and Dongho glares at him as best he can. 

"What the fuck do you want?"

"How did you guys get your abilties?"

Dongho stares at him, eyes wide, and Thy shrugs. "I'm morbidly curious."

"...a meteor shower," Dongho replies, wariness evident. "Magic rocks."

Thy nods, as if that explanation makes all the sense in the world - and to him, it probably does. "And how did your friend absorb Absy's magic without, like... murdering an entire neighborhood?"

Honestly, Dongho still has a hard time processing the fact that Jaewon murdered _one_ person, so the possibility of _more_ never even crossed his mind. 

"What?"

Thy all but gawps at him, though he manages to rein himself back in. " _Everyone_ has issues with controlling their powers. Like. Everyone."

"Evidently not," Dongho drawls, and Thy sighs.

"Look. Even _if_ your friend is a special case - which I _severely_ doubt - you've still got two other untrained kids running around town with about as much control as a cowboy has over a bucking bronco."

"Wha-"

"Western movies are classics of film and I accept no criticism. Moving on - those two are both _dangerous_."

The mental image of Minsoo placing a tiny paper crown on top of the head of a plastic duck immediately pops into Dongho's mind, and he shakes his head. "You're wrong."

"I have seen someone tear someone else apart using the blood in their veins," Thy hisses, voice turning ice-cold. "Do not tell me what I know."

That is- 

a genuinely terrifying concept.

"Daehyun isn't like that," Dongho growls, and Thy laughs - actually laughs.

God, what a dick.

"We'll see."

"You-!"

"It doesn't matter _what_ he - Daehyun, right? - is like. It doesn't matter whether or not he's the kindest, sweetest person on the planet. It really doesn't. Because magic does not _care_ about that, and you are a _fool_ if you think it does."

"Why are you talking to someone we're about to kill?" Celi drawls, and Thy rolls his eyes, taking a step back from Dongho's bubble.

"Making conversation. Those other guys are taking for- _ever_."

( _good_ , dongho privately thinks. _run far, far away._

but then-

jaewon.

he can't save jaewon on his own. he knows that.

shit.)

"Hey!"

Oh, fuck.

Minsoo stands directly in front of the rooftop door, bat slung over his shoulders and fury burning in his eyes. Daehyun shadows him, a katana in his shaking hands - and it's clear who's the more accustomed to fighting between the two of them.

Still. He knows Daehyun's going to fight to the end.

Nisi's grin turns downright _predatory_ , and Dongho barely has time to blink before a storm sweeps over the roof. 

Daehyun slams into the wall with a shout, sword skittering across the pavement, and Minsoo-

flies right off.

Dongho can't help it - he screams. One second passes, then two, and he's worried Minsoo didn't catch himself in time-

and then a bat slams into the back of Nisi's head.

Someone screams - him? Daehyun? - and the tempest picks up speed, the whirling winds hiding Minsoo and Nisi from view. He can _barely_ see Daehyun - the youngest still clutching his sword for dear life - and he _knows_ it's him screaming when he catches sight of a shadowy figure moving towards him.

Thy.

Daehyun raises his head - slow, dazed - and Dongho catches sight of a bit of blood rolling down his neck. 

He's stunned and at a disadvantage, and Thy won't go down easy.

"You're not even going to put up a fight?"

Whatever Daehyun says next is lost to the howling wind, but Thy seems to hate it. "Your confidence disgusts me."

Daehyun grins, and the winds pick up, eclipsing Dongho's view completely.

* * *

Daehyun doesn't scream when the winds pick up even further, but it's a close thing.

Dongho and Jaewon disappear from view - the latter still worryingly unconscious - and he's left with just him and Thy.

This, of course, would be much less of an issue if Daehyun could actually _move_.

He blinks up at Thy's swaying figure - acutely aware that that's _definitely_ just his head injury, and that Thy isn't _actually_ swaying - but he _does_ seem to be caught off-guard by the wind. 

Once again, it bears mention that Daehyun can't _move_. 

It's not even weakness at this point. It feels like Thy is using the blood in his veins to keep him pinned, and he shuts his eyes, trying to regain control over his hand.

Just his arm.

That's all he needs.

"You're a pretty shit villain," he gasps, and Thy extends a hand, eyes narrowing.

Daehyun watches as water appears from _nowhere_ and forms the shape of a sword, and as Thy snaps his fingers, it hardens into ice. 

"Extra," Daehyun grants, focusing as best he can on his arm, "but still pretty shit."

This isn't going to work.

He's going to die here. 

He _knows_ he's going to die here.

Thy takes a step forwards, blue hair swirling around him, and Daehyun screws his eyes shut, hoping against hope that he can take back control.

He needs a miracle. 

Thy brings the sword down over his chest-

and something explodes.

The wind _roars_ , and Thy goes flying, skidding across the rooftop before he slams into the wall. It's not the controlled storm Nisi favors, Daehyun realizes, straining to see through the whirling winds, but something _different_.

"Daehyun!"

He can barely make out Dongho's silhouette through the storm, but he can tell the elder is holding something that _looks_ a lot like Jaewon. 

"I'm fine!" he calls, struggling to his feet. "Fine!"

Focus.

He unsheathes his katana, dropping into a crouch just as Thy rematerializes his sword. 

Let's go.

He charges at Thy, swinging the katana at his chest - or, well, where it _was_. Thy leaps above the blade, and slashes towards Daehyun's neck, only for it to be stopped by his blade. He leaps back, and Daehyun charges forwards once again, a cry of fury escaping his lips.

They fight like a deadly dance, acutely aware of the edge of the roof. Swing, parry, jump- a repetition that holds no room for error. 

Then Daehyun fucks up.

He's a little slow to parry Thy's next hit, and the ice-blade digs into his arm.

He gasps, the katana slipping from his grasp, and he stumbles back, a hand pressed to the gash in hopes of stopping the flow. They're both panting heavily, now, trying to suck in whatever air isn't being controlled by the fight in the middle, and Daehyun screws his eyes shut, searching for any sort of water he can manipulate.

The sword, yes, but-

oh god, this is going to be _gross_.

He extends a hand, barely avoiding shivering as something hot and wet touches his palm. It freezes in instants, and a wave of dizziness threatens to overwhelm him as he opens his eyes, gaze landing on the blood-red sword in his grasp.

"Ready for round two?" he grins, and Thy snarls, launching himself at him.

Daehyun's sloppy, he knows. Daehyun's sloppy as _fuck_. It's all he can do to parry Thy's frenzied blows, and he knows he won't be able to make another sword if this one shatters.

 _Too slow_. A cut on his side. 

_Too slow._ Another, on his leg.

_Tooslowtooslowtooslow-_

the sword pierces his stomach.

Thy yanks it out, letting him fall to his knees, and he bows his head as tears sting his eyes. The sword hangs from his numb fingers, and Thy grins, taking a step forwards.

"You can't beat me."

Something sharp and cold settles on his neck, and he sucks in a shuddering breath, hoping against hope that this will work. 

"You were a fool."

Thy raises the sword-

and Daehyun drives his through his chest.

The alien blinks down at the object piercing his chest for a moment, and Daehyun laughs, harsh and wet. "Look... look who's... talkin'..."

He staggers to his feet, free hand pressed to the gaping hole in his gut, and he stares down, watching as crimson rivulets trail over his fingers. "F-Fuck..."

Thy stares down at the wound in his chest, shaking fingers reaching up to brush the hole over his heart. "...oh."

Daehyun laughs once more, blood splattering over his chin as he leans on his sword for support. "Guess... guess we're both... both fucked, huh?"

"In your dreams," Thy spits, and a foot slams into Daehyun's chest, knocking him to the ground. "In your... your..."

He slumps to the ground, breathing wet and ragged, and Daehyun laughs, a soft, broken sound. "What's... what's your name?"

"Why... why do you care?" Thy snaps, and Daehyun sighs.

"Jus'... jus' humor me."

"...Thyestos."

"That's... tha's really your name? Wha' kinda parents name their kid... Thyestos?"

Breathing hurts.

Everything hurts.

The wind tugs at his tattered clothes, causing him to shiver, and he stares into the swirling mass of gray, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"...it was the name... the name they gave me."

"Then wha's... wha's your birth name?"

"...Tyler."

"Tyler?" Daehyun wheezes, blinking black spots out of his vision. "Tha's... not r'lly intimidating. I see... I see why y' go by Thyestos."

"...thanks."

"Heh..."

Daehyun blinks wearily, unable to do anything more than that. His arms and legs feel like lead, and yet he also feels like he's floating? It's an interesting paradox. 

"...'m tired."

No response.

"...'m sorry," he breathes, voice lost to the whirling winds. "Hyung... Min... soo... Jae... sorry..."

He coughs once more, hot liquid spraying across his chin, and he doesn't need to be a genius to know he's going to die here.

_Dongho's gentle smile, Minsoo's laugh, Jaewon's lips-_

god, he's going to leave them.

They'll... they'll be alright, right? Without him. They have to be.

They... they'll be okay. 

(he knows he's lying. god, does he know.)

"Sorry," he whispers, a million broken promises and three broken hearts all cruelly wrapped up in one little word. "'m..."

He's too tired to finish the sentence, and his eyes drift shut.

(for a moment, the perfect dream spills into his mind - waking up in a small house by the sea, dongho wrapped around him and jaewon in his arms. minsoo pushes open the door with a plate of horrifically burnt pancakes, and places them on the table, wiggling up between daehyun and jaewon to give him a kiss. this, of course, stirs jaewon, who wraps his arms around minsoo, tethering him to the bed. dongho mumbles something about how it's too early for this, and jaewon asks for coffee while minsoo whines about his pancakes, and daehyun is just _so, blissfully happy_ -)

Daehyun falls asleep to the pattering of raindrops on his cheeks and the strong smell of saltwater, and despite the pain, there's a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from landon austin's armor


	30. i'm staring at the clouds, you know i hate this weather

Minsoo's first mistake is going for the head.

Isn't that what all the movies _say_ he should do, though?

He can barely see Nisi through the storm, can barely focus outside of his own tiny shield against the buffeting winds, but he _knows_ he has to do this.

He has to.

For Daehyun, for Dongho, and for Jaewon.

Nisi's shouting something that Minsoo can't hear, and the winds pick up even more, nearly breaking through his shield. Minsoo holds his ground, though, and stares up at the silver-haired alien, lips curled back in a snarl.

He tightens his grip on the bat and charges.

He's not sure what it is, but Nisi doesn't dodge.

(overconfidence? a faux belief in invulnerability? misunderstanding the power of a bat?)

He puts all the force he has into this one hit (because really, this is it) and leaps into the air, the bat slamming into Nisi's head and sending the alien flying.

For a moment, the wind stops.

Then something _hot_ fills his chest, whirling and tearing and _breaking_ -

and he can't breathe. 

His legs give out, and he falls to his knees, distantly aware of someone screaming (maybe it's him?) but everything burns, his eyes burn and his chest burns and he wants it _out_ , but it's this distant pitter-patter of fucked-up memories-

and he falls.

_Daehyun's lying on the asphalt, blood coating his hands, and god, he looks so dead, so horribly weak and pale that Minsoo nearly thinks he is dead, but no, no, he's breathing, that's not his blood, but he might still die if Minsoo doesn't get him to safety, safety he wouldn't even need to get to if not for Minsoo's own incompetence-_

_and then he's crawling out of a river, harsh sobs wracking his body as strobing headlights pass over the bridge above, and they're all gone, and he's alone, and he shouldn't be, but he is so very scared and so very cold and just wants things to be okay-_

_and then he's sitting in the audience once again, listening to his own song being torn from him, listening to the one thing he could call his being crudely torn from him, leaving a yawning hole of betrayal deep in his chest that he doubts will ever fully go away-_

_and then he's watching Dongho fall, pushing himself faster-faster-faster because he has to make it, he has to catch him, he can't do this without Dongho, he's never been able to do this without him, he has to go faster, has to make this okay, has to has to has to-_

_and then he's watching Daehyun choke, watching him fall to his knees and knowing deep down that he has to fix this, that he has to make this better, but having no idea how to do it, and fuck, what can he do in the face of this? what the fuck can he do-_

_and then he's back at the start, watching Jaewon stand up to people likely to kill him, and god, he's afraid, so, so afraid, because nothing is okay and nothing is ever going to be okay again, and Jaewon looks so scared-_

"Minsoo!"

He sobs, harsh and ragged, and god, he just wants it to stop, just wants it _out_ -

he wants to blow it all away.

_Minsung's face imprints on the back of his eyelids, and what would he think if he could see him now? Probably be happy, honestly, probably be satisfied knowing that his younger brother is a complete failure of a human being, a person with blood on his hands and ghosts in his shadow-_

_and then he's standing in the middle of a practice room, chest heaving as he's forced to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't know the moves, doesn't know the rhythm to something he'd tried to pound into his head over and over and over, and his mind is wired to fight, be it behind a computer screen or in person, and he doesn't know how to stop fighting anymore-_

"Minsoo-"

A distant shout, and something hot sprays across his cheek, the acrid scent of blood filling his nose.

"Minsoo- _please_ -"

It feels like he could fly away - like the wind could carry him away in an instant, pulling him out of this fragile moment - and he _knows_ people call him an airhead, he _knows_ , but this-

it feels like everything is a storm. 

"Please!"

Something flashes behind his closed eyelids, and he loses his grip on reality, slipping back into the swirling maelstrom of memories. 

_Not good enough, he's not good enough, he's never been good enough, not to protect Jaewon, not to protect Daehyun, not to protect Dongho, and now he's reaping the benefits, and everything hurts and everything aches and he's so cold but he can't stop running, you know what happens if they catch you-_

_and then he's holding Jaewon, the younger man so small and so fragile in his arms, and he knows he's failed him, knows they all have, so he clutches him tighter, a silent, desperate promise in each squeeze, because he won't leave him again-_

_and then Daehyun's in his arms, broken and bloody and so, so small, and he screams, pressing his forehead to Daehyun's bloody one, and god, he's so, so cold, and he wasn't fast enough, caught up in his own head, how how how could he let this happen-_

Someone collapses on top of him, arms wrapping around his back and face pressing into his collarbone, and he can't move, can't open his eyes, can't do _anything_ -

he wants it all to stop.

"Please," the person gasps, and a shaking hand comes up to grip his hair, liquid-coated fingers running through silver locks. "Please, Minsoo."

Who...?

"Stop him, or I will!"

"Please, Minsoo, _please_."

Someone shouts, and that is Bad, he _knows_ that is Bad, and the wind picks up, and someone shouts and something snaps and he's falling again-

_Dongho's staring at him, but that's not Dongho, that can't be, but those are his eyes, his eyes, it has to be him, but it can't be him, because he's looking at him like he's prey, like he's something to be hunted, not something to be loved, and he's never fast enough-_

_and then he's staring into coffee-black eyes, dropping a metal chain into calloused hands and handing over the last thing he has left, and the man looks so, so confused, but Jaewon trust(ed) him, and he trusts Jaewon, and he knows that this man will do what it takes-_

_and then he's running, Daehyun and Jaewon behind him, and he has to believe it'll end up alright, he has to, because otherwise he'll go back and he knows he can't go back, not now, not with the hundreds of police cars filling the streets-_

Something wet lands on his cheek, and oh-

it's raining.

A weight settles on his legs, and arms wrap around his back, a hand brushing sweaty locks from his cheek.

"Please, Minsoo-"

he can't breathe.

He can't breathe, and this person is holding him down when all he wants to do is _run_ , wants to _get out_ , but he _can't,_ and the wind starts to pick up again-

until lips brush against his.

(he can hear Dongho griping about this already, because "isn't it just so cliché to have a kiss solve all the world's problems? at least shake it up a little-)

and oh.

Oh.

_Dongho._

Dongho. Daehyun. Jaewon.

His boys.

He opens his eyes, and the wind falls silent.

Dongho's relieved expression greets him, and he tries for a smile as blood drips down his cheek from a cut through his eyebrow. "You're okay?"

Minsoo nods, and Dongho smiles, gaze roving over the rooftop. It lands on a bundle of sodden fabric, and he sucks in a sharp inhale, relief quickly giving way to sheer _horror_. "No-"

He knows what Dongho's seeing.

Daehyun's lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood, the gentle smile on his face darkly contrasting the gaping hole in his shirt. Raindrops slide down his cheeks, the gentle drizzle dampening his clothes and hair, and were he awake, Minsoo _knows_ he would hate this-

"No."

He stumbles across the rooftop on numb legs, falling to his knees by Daehyun's side. Blood seeps into the fabric of his jeans, and he yanks Daehyun into his arms, ignoring the way even more crimson smears over his jacket and hands.

"No, no, no- Daehyun- Dae, wake up. Dae-"

God, he's so _cold_.

"We won, Dae," Minsoo gasps, tears streaming down his cheeks. "We won! We- we won. You did so well, Dae-"

How did he not know?

Could he have prevented this?

(he should have prevented this. why didn't he prevent this?)

Daehyun doesn't stir.

Minsoo screams - a broken, primal wail - and presses his forehead to Daehyun's, rocking him back and forth in an apparent bid to rouse him. "Please," he gasps, pushing locks of bloodied hair out of Daehyun's face. " _Please_ -"

Arms wrap around his waist, and tears seep into the fabric of his jacket, Dongho's dark head coming to rest against his shoulder. 

"What- what did you do?"

"I killed him," Dongho whispers, and _oh_ , Minsoo thinks, _that's why his hands are so red_. "I killed him."

Daehyun?

No.

Not Daehyun. Dongho- Dongho wouldn't do this.

Dongho would never do this.

"Who?"

"Celi."

Dongho's breathing stutters a bit on the name, and he sucks in a breath, tightening his grip on Minsoo's shirt. "I bashed his head in."

"...oh."

There's no flash of light like there was the first time. There's nothing. 

There's just silence one moment, and a million noises the next.

God, though-

it wasn't worth it.

It could never be worth it.

"...Dongho-hyung?"

Jaewon's sitting up, visibly dazed (and _oh_ , it's irrational, but minsoo hates him for not helping, for being unconscious, hates him in the same way he hates himself because _kim daehyun is dead and it is his fault_ -) and Dongho turns to stare at him, tears arcing down his cheeks.

"No."

Small sparks escape Jaewon's fingertips, and he shakes his head, gaze landing on the pitiful scene in front of him. "No, no, no, Daehyun, _no_ -"

He gestures wildly to the shadowy city, the tears sliding down his cheeks mingling with the rain. "Hospital! We can- a hospital-"

"There's _no fucking point_!" Minsoo shrieks, and Jaewon flinches, eyes widening as he takes a step back. "There's- there's _no point_. He's _dead_."

Silence fills the air, and Jaewon stares at them, disbelief giving way to stunned horror.

"No. No, no, no- you're wrong! You- you have to be! Dae- he's gonna wake up! He- he- the rain! And- he _can't_ -"

Jaewon falls silent once more, ducking his head. Red-orange strands eclipse his eyes, and his shoulders shake with ill-contained sobs, one hand coming up to cover his mouth. "He can't be dead..."

"...who's dead...?"

The rooftop falls silent at that, and Minsoo holds his breath as Daehyun's eyes slit open, revealing brilliant blue irises. 

"...what'd I miss?"

"God-"

Minsoo clutches Daehyun in a death grip, all words eluding him as he bursts into a fresh wave of tears. Daehyun looks stunned by this, and he reaches up to brush the tears off Minsoo's cheeks with one shaking hand, lips curled into a crooked smile. 

"Why... why're you crying?"

"I'm sorry," Minsoo gasps, and Daehyun blinks, confused.

"What?"

"Dae-"

Jaewon collapses on Daehyun's other side, harsh sobs wracking his frame as he grips the youngest's blood-covered hand for dear life. "I'm so sorry-"

"...lots of apologizing goin' on today, huh?" Daehyun remarks, and Minsoo swats his arm, though there's no real force behind it. "Can't- can't smack the injured-"

He casts his gaze towards Dongho, a content smile on his lips as he takes in the eldest's blood-covered form. "You gonna apologize too?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Nah," Daehyun grins, then coughs, lips pursing into a frown as blood splatters over his chin. "Jus'- jus' figured we should get it outta the way."

Dongho shakes his head, taking a seat next to Minsoo. "How are you not dead?"

Daehyun shrugs, and Minsoo glares at him, tears swimming in his eyes. "You _idiot_ -"

"Can't smack the injured," Daehyun reminds him, and Minsoo makes a sound halfway between a laugh and a scream. 

"You are so lucky, Kim Daehyun."

"I know," Daehyun grins, tipping his head back to stare into Minsoo's eyes. "I have you guys."

Before anyone can stop him, he pushes himself upright, lips pursed into a thin line as he gazes down at his stomach. "Huh. Could've _sworn_ I got stabbed there."

"Lie back down!" Jaewon squeaks, though Daehyun clearly isn't listening.

He pulls up the hem of his shredded shirt, letting the rain wash away patches of dried blood, and the four of them find themselves staring down at a recent scar, not a gaping hole in the youngest's midsection.

"The rain," Minsoo helplessly breathes, gaze flitting up towards the clouds. "It must've been the rain!"

"That's some convenient rain, then," Daehyun quips, and Minsoo smacks him. "Ow-ow-ow-"

"Don't you _dare_ do that again!" the leader shouts, and Dongho nods, though he honestly seems more relieved than anything. "Don't- don't you _dare_!"

Daehyun nods, and they sit in silence for a moment, their gazes pinned on the skyline.

"How about we make a pact?" Daehyun grins, and Minsoo quirks a brow.

"What kind of pact?"

"A promise to never get in trouble like this again."

"I don't think that's something you can promise," Jaewon notes, and Daehyun throws his hands into the air, a bright smile slipping onto his lips.

"Yeah, but we can try!"

"The rain stopped," Dongho murmurs, and Jaewon extends a hand, a flame flickering in his palm. 

"Lemme just..."

Minsoo shivers a little as the flame dances over his clothes, winding through his hair before leaping over to Dongho, and the eldest simply raises a brow. "You're sure this is safe?"

"Pretty sure," Jaewon mumbles, tongue poking out from between his lips. "Like... ninety-five percent sure?"

"Carpe diem," Daehyun grins, and Jaewon closes his fist, leaning back to stare at the sun-rays peeking through the clouds. "...do you guys want to go on an actual date, now?"

"A date," Minsoo echoes, the possibility washing over him.

An actual date.

With other people around.

"Hell yeah."

"You know you can't do PDA," Dongho points out, and Daehyun deflates a little. "Not in this country."

"...well, then, we just gotta go to New York or something someday, right?"

He leans over to rest his head on Jaewon's shoulder, lips curled into a bright grin (and _god_ , minsoo still can't believe he's _alive_ , he's _here_ , he's _okay_ ) as he wraps an arm around the red-head's waist. "Me and my boyfriends..."

Jaewon _chokes_.

"Oh?" Daehyun asks, leaning over to stare at Jaewon's necklace. "What's this?"

"Hyung gave it to me," Jaewon forces out, gesturing wildly to Dongho. "He has rings and stuff, so-"

" _Rings_?" Minsoo and Daehyun squawk in tandem, and Dongho seems to realize the mistake he made.

"Not- not like that. I was just- you guys like jewelry, so I thought- I could give you something nice?"

"How did this not come up when you were actually getting them?" Daehyun asks, and Dongho and Jaewon exchange looks.

"Did you think about it like that?"

"No. Did you?"

"No."

"Oh my god," Minsoo wheezes, and Dongho frowns. 

"Promise rings?"

At that, Daehyun starts crying. 

"Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?" Minsoo gasps, barely managing to contain his laughter. "Oh my _god_ -"

Dongho's gaze flits between them, then lands on Jaewon, confusion evident. "What?"

Jaewon shrugs.

"I know you know what they are," Minsoo wheezes, arms wrapped around his waist. "I know- I know- _oh my god_ -"

Daehyun seems to have entirely lost control, based on the fact that he's leaning into Minsoo's side, sobs mingling with giggles.

With the way his shoulders shake, he looks a bit like a cartoon hyena. 

Dongho closes his eyes for a moment, brow furrowed, and Jaewon can see the exact moment he figures it out. "Oh, god- that's not what I-"

"I," Minsoo gasps, "am going to hold this over your head _forever_. Hey, remember that time Dongho accidentally proposed? It's gonna- it's gonna be _great_ -"

" _No._ "

"Um... guys?"

Jaewon gestures to the city, and three gazes land on him, their owners sporting identical looks of confusion. "How do we... get down?"

There's a long, awkward, moment of silence.

"...oh, _fuck_ -"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a truly disgusting amount of arc 2 previews, truly
> 
> i don't super like how this chapter came out. idk why. maybe bc we don't see what happened to dongho, but that's going to come up soon...  
> idk it just feels really generally off to me. huh. probably the flow. sorry about that.
> 
> on another note... jun or minsung? you'll see why i ask next chapter
> 
> chapter title from jeremy zucker's end


	31. let's just vibe, just for tonight

As it turns out, their dorm was _not_ one of the buildings either burned down or destroyed.

Yay for small mercies?

As soon as they stumble inside, Daehyun drags Dongho to the bathroom in hopes of seeing to the numerous cuts that litter his body, and Minsoo pulls out his laptop, already preparing for damage control.

(jaewon... honestly thought that was destroyed. who the fuck knows.)

That leaves Jaewon as the outsider, once again.

He's not _surprised_ , per se - he's not an interesting person, especially not when compared to such over-the-top personalities as Minsoo - but he is a little saddened.

(though he really shouldn't be.)

"Hey, Jae," Daehyun gasps, poking his head out of the bathroom - there's blood _absolutely everywhere_ , and Jaewon would be far more concerned if Daehyun wasn't the type to smear it over his face and then forget it was there - "can you do me a favor?"

"Huh?"

"Can you brush Boba?"

Jaewon blinks at him for a moment, bewildered, then slowly nods. "I... I guess? Why?"

"I think hyung forgot she was here."

That is... honestly a little sad.

"What did I forget?" Dongho calls, and Daehyun pales, leaning back into the bathroom. 

"Nothing! Don't get blood all over the gauze!"

Jaewon grins, and Daehyun gives him a quick peck on the cheek before slamming the door, either to preserve the surprise or minimize blood splatter. Jaewon privately thinks it's a bit of both.

He heads for Dongho and Minsoo's room, and the leader's sitting cross-legged on his bed, hair messy and headphones jammed over his ears. A few different objects seem to be hovering, and as Jaewon watches, Minsoo drops one (still focused on his computer) and lifts another, leading to Jaewon nearly smacking his head on Minsoo's bed as he dives to catch it.

Minsoo, somehow, still doesn't notice.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Jaewon pulls the most fragile objects (two of Minsoo's figurines and a small glass cat statue that must be Dongho's) out of the air before tapping Minsoo's shoulder, and the leader shrieks, everything else suspended either falling to the bed or the floor.

"Jae- what?"

"You were hovering things," Jaewon explains, and Minsoo scrolls over to his music, slamming his hand on the pause button.

"What?"

"You were hovering things," Jaewon repeats, and Minsoo blinks at the collection of small objects in Jaewon's hands.

"Oh."

"Yeah..."

Jaewon places the figurines back on top of the table and studies them for a moment before he places Dongho's glass cat right next to his bed. "It kinda sucks that ninety-nine percent of things important to us got incinerated, huh?"

" _You_ didn't have to sneak back into that hotel," Minsoo gripes, gesturing to the bags on the floor. "I thought someone was gonna shoot me!"

"In Seoul?"

" _Yes_ , in Seoul."

Minsoo makes vague grabby hands in Jaewon's general direction, and he blinks, confused. "C'mere. Cuddles."

Jaewon scoops up the brush from the foot of Dongho's bed and places it next to Minsoo, then crosses the room to gently scratch Boba's head.

Oh, boy.

"I'm gonna give you brushies, okay?" he whispers, and Boba blinks wearily at him in a way that could either mean "okay, sure," or "try it and I will kill all of your loved ones".

He wraps her in a spare blanket and crawls onto Minsoo's bed, and he's not even surprised when he's immediately set-upon by the hyper-clingy octopus that is Lee Minsoo. 

Minsoo wraps his legs around Jaewon's waist and hooks his chin over his shoulder, reaching around to click through his email. Jaewon, meanwhile, busies himself with Boba (all while silently marveling at the sheer flexibility of their main dancer) and he's rewarded by her starting to purr.

Cute.

So, so cute.

"What happened to your phone?" Jaewon asks, and Minsoo groans, pressing his nose into the hood of Jaewon's sweatshirt.

"It fell out of my pocket when we jumped off the motorcycle."

"...ah. Right."

Is Jaewon the only one who hasn't nearly died?

"Hey," Minsoo frowns, reaching up to boop Jaewon's nose, " _you_ were the one who nearly died in a magic wind bubble, so I think a motorcycle is a lot better way to almost die."

"How did you-"

"You're not super subtle, Jae."

Minsoo snaps his fingers, a thought apparently occurring to him. "I'm the only one who hasn't almost died in a magic wind bubble!"

"...what?"

"I mean, there was that time Dae almost died, and then you and Dongho-hyung - d'ya think I can just call him Dongho? I'm just gonna do that and hope he doesn't whack me with one of his books - got stuck in those other wind bubbles, and I'm the only one who hasn't been in one!"

"That..."

The current state of their lives is kind of dismal, Jaewon thinks.

"Be free!" Daehyun shouts from down the hall, and Dongho sighs, the sound of footsteps on wood following. "Wait-wait-wait, don't drip on the floor-"

"Dae-"

The door swings open, and Daehyun and Dongho go tumbling to the floor, Daehyun's arms hooked around the elder's neck and his legs around his waist. Dongho groans, and Daehyun scrambles off him, pulling the eldest to his feet and brushing bits of dust off his clothes. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

"I'm fine," Dongho mutters, reaching up to rub his nose. "Jus'... banged my nose."

"I'll go get an ice pack!"

"Wait, Dae-"

Daehyun's already gone.

Dongho sighs, reaching up to rake a hand through his hair. "I'm fine, really..."

_Mrrow?_

Dongho's head snaps up, and his gaze snaps to Jaewon, eyes widening as Boba leaps onto the floor and pads towards him. " _Boba_?"

_Prrow!_

"Oh, god-"

Dongho falls to his knees, and Boba mews once more, rubbing her cheek against his hand. "Boba..."

He sweeps the cat into his arms and buries his face into her fur - and Boba, like the absolute sweetheart she is, lets him. Jaewon smiles as Dongho curls protectively around his cat, one hand reaching up to scratch her head while the other holds her close, and not even Minsoo is willing to joke about this moment.

Dongho just looks-

so _happy_.

(it's adorable.)

"I got the ice pack!"

Daehyun slides into the room, a paper towel in his grasp, and his expression droops into a pout upon seeing the cat fluff sticking out of the cocoon of Dongho's arms. "Wha- _you couldn't wait five seconds_?"

"Did you want him to?" Minsoo quips, and Daehyun throws the ice pack at his head. The leader deflects it, and it slams right into Jaewon's face - which leads to the latter being immediately accosted by Daehyun.

"I thought ice packs weren't supposed to hurt people!" he exclaims, and Minsoo stares at him, nonplussed. 

"Clearly nobody has ever hit you with an ice pack."

"Wha- _who hurt you, hyung_?"

"In general, or now specifically?"

* * *

_**Hyung (DO NOT CALL!!!!):** _

_Why did you call me?_

_What were you talking about?_

_Call me back._

* * *

Jaewon pulls his cap low over his eyes, trying to hide their strange brilliance as best he can. 

Turns out - having eyes that shine orange if you look at them the right way is a bit of an issue if you're trying to be inconspicuous. 

Shocking.

He knocks on the door before stepping into the coffee shop, wariness creeping in at the sight of the darkened building. "Hello?"

Nobody responds.

He takes a few more steps in, summoning a small orb of flame to light up the pitch-black shop. "Hello?"

He's about to turn-

and a hand lands on his shoulder.

"Jaewon?"

He shrieks, a flame shooting from his palm before he can stop it, and he wheels, gaze landing on an unimpressed Jun.

"Oh..."

"I thought it was you," Jun states, gesturing to the door. "You're the only one I know who'd ignore a closed sign."

"O-Oh-"

"Lemme guess- you missed the sign entirely."

Jaewon nods weakly, and Jun nods, gaze flitting to the floating ball of flame. "What's that?"

"Um- nothing!"

The orb disappears as quickly as it appears, and Jun quirks a brow, clearly unconvinced. "Uh-huh. And your hair is nothing too, huh?"

"...yeah?"

"Jesus Christ. Just come to the back."

Jun drags Jaewon through the pitch-black store and shoves him into a room, yanking the door shut and flicking on the lock. "Now. Explain."

"I don't- I don't know anything-"

"You're a horrible liar."

Jaewon sighs, hand flying up to toy with the charm hanging around his neck. "I'm sorry, I just- I missed you a lot."

"I last saw you three days ago."

"Well... for me, it was a month. I think. Time is hard."

"...what?"

"I'm gonna show you something, and I need to know you won't freak out."

Jaewon doesn't need to see to know Jun's unimpressed.

"Sure."

Jaewon sighs, and coaxes a flame into his palm.

Light spills over the walls, and Jun takes a step back, the flame reflecting in his dark eyes. "What... what?"

"I can do magic," Jaewon states, and then, because he's awkward, "I think."

"...okay."

Jun is taking this shockingly well, Jaewon thinks.

"Lemme guess- the blond one can teleport?"

Correction: he's a bit hysterical.

"Actually, he heals people."

"Oh," Jun replies, sounding a bit faint. "My mistake."

"Are- are you okay? I mean, maybe this was a bad idea, and I shouldn't have come-"

"Why did you tell me?"

Jaewon stares up at him, the fire burning in his hand the only source of light in the room, and he smiles. "I missed you."

"...do you want to talk about it?"

Jun is a lot like Dongho, Jaewon thinks - just with sharper edges.

"Do you have any coffee?"

"Not without electricity."

"...what if I boiled water?"

"Our coffee really isn't special, y'know."

"It is special!"

"It's literally just coffee."

"It's never been 'just coffee' to me."

"...heh."

Jun pushes open the door and escorts Jaewon out of the room, pulling him behind the counter. "Let's try some low-tech coffee, then."

* * *

_**sa1nt youngjoonie-hyung:** _

_daehyun-ah?_

_are you okay?_

_your group is on the news_

_what happened?_

_apparently your leader called minsung-hyung_

_he's pretty upset about it_

_where did you go?_

* * *

"This is terrible."

Jun stares down at the cup of unappealing sludge in his grasp, then raises his head to stare at Jaewon. "You don't have to-"

Too late.

Jaewon chugs the entire thing in four seconds flat, and Jun gawps at him, stunned speechless.

"That was so good," he breathes, and Jun stares at him like he's grown a second head.

"This looks like _pond sludge_. And it's almost _boiling_."

"Really?"

"I think all that fire fried your brain."

Jaewon pouts, and Jun rolls his eyes, resting his chin on his hand. "Where did you learn that pout?"

"Ah! Was I doing that? Ah, that's so embarrassing-"

"For a moment I dared to hope you magically gained self-confidence."

"Ah..."

Jaewon toys with the leaf charm once more, lips curling into a soft smile. "I'm working on it..."

"I would've thought being able to set things on fire would give you at least a bit of confidence."

Jun catches sight of flashes of white as Jaewon reaches up to push his hair behind his ear - his palm is covered in criss-crossing lines - but he doesn't comment on them as Jaewon's hand falls back into his lap. "Ah... I didn't really do anything I feel good about, so..."

"Really?"

"I kept getting in trouble," Jaewon admits, hand gravitating back to the leaf charm. "One of my hyungs almost died trying to save me, and my dongsaeng got really hurt while I was unconscious- and you probably don't even want to know about this, oh my god, I'm so sorry-"

"Jaewon."

Jun grasps Jaewon's wrist as he stands, and the younger freezes, but doesn't turn around. 

"Tell me what happened."

A shuddering inhale-

"You'd hate me."

"Try me."

Silence reigns for a moment, during which Jun studies the lines on Jaewon's hand. They're scars - fresh, too - and they vary in depth and thickness, the largest one spanning his entire palm while the smallest is around the length of his fingernail. 

How does someone even get scars like these?

"...I've done bad things. Horrible things."

"Then tell me."

It's dark outside, and Jun can see people walking by - flashlights in hand, ignorant to any sort of danger.

"Nobody's going to come inside."

Jaewon shuts his eyes, and the light flickers out, plunging them into darkness once again.

"...I'm sorry."

"Why can't you tell me?"

Truth be told, Jun isn't entirely sure why he's pressing.

A part of it is because he wants to understand what happened - it affected him, after all - but there's _something else_ he can't quite put a name to.

(concern, maybe?)

"I just-"

Jaewon cuts himself off and ducks his head, hair falling to eclipse his eyes. "I want to," he whispers, and _god_ , he sounds so _small_ like this. "I just..."

"Just...?"

"You'd hate me. If you knew, I mean."

"I don't care."

Jaewon's eyes widen, and he wheels, eyes _so painfully vulnerable_ for a single, fleeting second. 

(that hurts, a bit.)

"I don't wanna be your therapist," Jun states, "but you look like you need to talk to someone and get this off your chest."

"I don't... I don't wanna bother you with my problems-"

"You're not a bother, Jaewon."

"...are you sure?"

A part of Jun wants to say no. After all, he knows next to nothing about Jaewon.

But on the other hand-

Jaewon needs someone, and it's looking like Jun is all he has.

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't feel super great about 80% of this chapter but at least it's done
> 
> BUT JUN!!! JUN BEING GREAT!!!! i love writing jun
> 
> lmk about typos please ^^;
> 
> chapter title from talk is overrated by jeremy zucker


	32. i see thousand stars hold it in

When the manager walks in, they're all prepared.

Minsoo's overly-tense - back ramrod-straight and hands clenched in his lap - and Dongho's wearing concealer next to him, applied by Jaewon in the bathroom mere minutes prior.

After all, the scar across his forehead isn't something they can easily explain away.

Daehyun's sitting next to Jaewon, his hand on the elder's thigh, and Jaewon stares into the table, trying to memorize the exact pattern of the wood in hopes of distracting himself from the inevitable.

"You realize we're going to need explanations."

Minsoo nods - quick and jerky - and he fidgets with his ring, running his thumb over the cool metal. "Yes, sir."

"Park-ssi is planning to leak the footage, from what I can tell," the manager continues, and tension ripples through the group - Dongho's gaze snaps to the manager, and Minsoo's hands still around his ring while Daehyun tightens his grip on Jaewon's leg, jagged nails scratching against what little bit of skin these jeans expose. "It's going to be a great advertising opportunity-"

"What about our safety?"

Dongho's eyes narrow - fox-like, Jaewon recalls - and he rests his chin on clasped hands, expression carefully empty. "What does he have in mind for our safety?"

"Safety?"

"We're going to be accused of things," Dongho elaborates (and most of those things are true, four fifths of the table know it, and jaewon doesn't think he'll ever be able to forget it) "and I'd like to know what plan he has in mind for that."

"I don't- I'm not privy to that information."

Minsoo shuts his eyes for a split second, and Jaewon watches as Boba's lowered to the ground, the cat shooting him a shockingly blasé glare as she trots off to the relative safety of Jaewon's room. 

"I'll meet with him," Dongho continues, and the manager flinches at that.

"I don't think-"

"I'll meet with him," Dongho repeats, voice laced with the sort of stubborn permanence Jaewon associates with the earth (and, more recently, dongho himself). "Tomorrow at one?"

"Um-"

"Great," Minsoo smiles, all but sweeping their manager out the door. "We'll see you in two days, hmm?"

"You-"

"I'm sure Park-ssi and I will be able to come to an agreement," Dongho adds, moving to stand behind Minsoo. "Take the next two days off."

They're a terrifying duo, Minsoo and Dongho - and they work together in a way they haven't for too long.

Before (a proper noun, now) it was all four of them, standing as equals, and now-

now, Minsoo and Dongho have been raised above them once again.

The door slams, and Minsoo grins, racing across the room to sprawl across Daehyun and Jaewon's laps. "That went well!"

"We threatened a guy," Dongho points out, and Minsoo shrugs.

" _You_ threatened a guy. _I_ just gave him two days off."

* * *

Daehyun distantly remembers reading something about _liminal space_ a while back.

It's something Dongho had to translate for him - a space on the verge of something, or a space that's somehow _wrong_ \- and somehow, the dorm feels like that.

Ghosts of memories past live in each space, most of them unpleasant - the memory of Minsoo stealing his guitar flashes into his mind, and he allows himself a few seconds to dwell on the loss before he pushes onwards - but the occasional semi-decent one joins them - Jaewon handing him his shark plushie, because he _looked like he needed it, hyung, he didn't steal it_ -

(he almost laughs at how hopelessly besotted dongho's always been for jaewon, and then remembers the exact issue that caused, and shuts up.)

Being in the dorm feels like putting on a pair of too-small shoes - something that used to fit, but doesn't - and it's that feeling that has him heading for the living room at two in the morning. 

Jaewon's still asleep when he leaves - wiry form curled around a plushie and Dongho's jacket draped over his shoulders - and he's careful to shut the door quietly, tip-toeing towards the common area.

"Can't sleep?"

Minsoo gives him a sympathetic smile and gestures to the television, some news story or another playing out on the screen. Daehyun can barely make out Dongho's dark head on his shoulder - which explains a lot, including why Minsoo's sleeping on the couch, since he's never out here unless he and Dongho are fighting, and _wow, Dongho's really been smitten for everyone but him_ -

and that is _unproductive thinking_.

He takes a seat next to Minsoo, and the elder turns up the television a few levels for Daehyun, understanding without words that he just wants _noise_ right now.

It's his strange attempt to reconcile their two normals - fitting the silence of their relationship in with the noise of the rest of the world. 

_"Suspicions continue as to what caused this rampant destruction,"_ the newswoman announces, _"but materials are coming in from all over the country to assist with rebuilding..."_

"Is that our fault?"

Minsoo shakes his head, gaze never moving from the television. "We didn't destroy those buildings."

"But we didn't stop them- we didn't stop it."

Daehyun turns, gaze landing on Minsoo's features - sharp jaw, silver hair, sloping nose - and the way the light shines on them, painting his already-pale skin nearly porcelain. 

(he wishes he could draw - if nothing else, to draw minsoo like this)

"We didn't stop it," he helplessly repeats, and Minsoo turns at that, dark eyes flickering silver in the light of the television as he wraps an arm around Daehyun's side, pulling the youngest close.

_"...the spotlight has also been turned onto idol group MAYHEM, who were reportedly seen on security camera footage a day after the incident..."_

"...I killed someone."

Minsoo runs his fingers through Daehyun's hair, jagged nails scratching against his scalp as he stares at the television with empty eyes. "...it's okay."

"It's not okay," Daehyun whispers, curling into a ball with his head on Minsoo's lap. "It's not okay."

_"...as well as the body found in the lobby of a hotel..."_

"Yeah," Minsoo rasps, watching as Absy's body is removed from the burned remnants of the hotel lobby. "It's not okay."

And _oh_ , Daehyun can see Minsoo wants to run, can see the thrumming under his skin, the way nothing's ever quite been enough to tether him to one place, to one thought, so he tamps down his own guilt and grief (it never goes away, but it gets easier) and leans up to capture his boyfriend's lips in a kiss, because if nothing is okay, at least this one thing can be.

(minsoo is the wind, and while he might extinguish jaewon or fail to move dongho, daehyun's the one who's always going to be swept up by him, again and again and again.)

* * *

It's so, so hard fitting whatever they have into the rest of the world.

Dongho goes to the meeting and comes back with a razor-sharp set to his jaw and they don't _need_ to ask (meetings only go two ways when their CEO is involved, after all) what happened, but Daehyun does it anyways. 

Dongho stares at him for a moment, then, eyes _brittlebrittlebrittle_ in the way Jaewon hates, and he shakes his head-

and really, isn't that answer enough?

Minsoo's drifting - aimless in that harmful sort of way - and Daehyun takes to assigning him small tasks around the house for him to focus on. _"Can you do the dishes? I need this onion chopped up, can you do that? Watch the pan for a sec while I go wake up Jae?"_

It works, mostly.

Jaewon sleeps. Jaewon sleeps a _lot_. The only times he doesn't sleep are at mealtimes or when he disappears for three to four hours and comes back a little lighter (and Daehyun wants to know _why that can't be here with them_ but he doesn't ask).

Dongho's observing the entire thing with tamped-down desperation, and it's a bit tragic to witness. He alternates between small bits of time with Jaewon (usually spent playing with Boba, another thing that can cure the redhead's apparent lethargy) and time spent dragging Minsoo out of the dorm and around town - anything to lessen the leader's excess of energy.

(it's not surprising, Daehyun thinks. Minsoo always had things to focus on - gaming and dance, and later, saving the world - and without them, he's not sure what to do.)

Daehyun-

is compartmentalizing.

Dongho probably is too, but he has so many different compartments for all his emotions that Daehyun doesn't think he ever really processes anything in its entirety before he wants to. 

Still.

If he ever dwells on it, it threatens to overwhelm him (nausea, revulsion, horror, _he killed someone_ , anger, _he failed them_ , fear, _he almost died, dongho and minsoo and jaewon almost died_ ) so he just.

Doesn't, really.

(and yet-

minsoo comes home from one of their walks with three rings and a small diamond heart for jaewon's necklace, and he pushes conversation forwards at dinner, drawing everyone into his orbit.

dongho sits with daehyun as he tries to figure it out, tries to figure out where things went wrong, and he brushes the tears from his cheeks and reminds him that _it's not all wrong as long as we're still here_ \- exactly what daehyun needed to hear.

jaewon gives them a miniature light show one night - a dramatic re-enactment of aladdin with dongho relaying the plot and daehyun and minsoo as the over-the-top voices - and that look in his eyes teetering between haunted and hunted subsides, just for a little bit.

they're trying.)

It's the little things with them, Daehyun knows - the little efforts they put in from day-to-day - that remind him why he fell for them in the first place.

And things do get better.

Minsoo's allowed back into the practice rooms, and Daehyun isn't there on the first day (based on the scratches on Minsoo's hand, though, it doesn't go well) but Dongho and Jaewon both push him to go back, to keep going, and Minsoo acquiesces, two hours soon building to five building to eight.

Dongho sleeps more (something Daehyun only notices in retrospect) and spends half of his time with Minsoo and half at the dorm (Daehyun would follow Minsoo, but he's always had two left feet - something being an idol hasn't really improved - but hey, he does the worm _really well_ ) either talking with Daehyun and Jaewon or simply coexisting.

Jaewon pulls himself out of whatever depressive slump he's found himself in by the skin of his teeth, but it's not straight progress - none of them expected it to be. There's years of guilt there - guilt and anxiety - and that doesn't go away, but _god_ does Daehyun want it to. 

(he'd take fighting those aliens all over again if it meant the demons that sank their claws into his boyfriend would let go.)

And Daehyun-

helps where he can.

He and Dongho slip out into the bustling streets of Seoul two weeks after the fight, and return with three rings and a charm (though Jaewon seems a bit upset that he didn't think of it first). It's fascinating - Dongho's with the thin emerald stripe, Minsoo's with the silver swirls, and now Daehyun's, gold with a lapis-lazuli stripe.

They're fascinating to look at, honestly - each one representative of its owner - and Daehyun takes to rubbing his thumb over the green one any time stress threatens to overwhelm him. 

(it's a lot like having dongho there. not the same, but similar.)

When Jaewon has a good day, Dongho takes him out to the streets, and Daehyun spends the day curled up in a ball on the couch, scratching Boba's head and staring at nothing in particular. Minsoo comes home early that day, and he winds his arms around Daehyun's waist, the younger's head resting on his chest as he toys with his hair. 

It's nice.

Minsoo's nice.

Minsoo talks to him (at him) about nothing in particular - _"did you know the Pacific Ocean is almost twice the size of the Atlantic?"_ \- and Daehyun's horribly endeared by the fact that Minsoo looked up enough ocean facts to talk about them for an hour straight. He dozes off for a bit, coming back to consciousness with a weight on his chest - red-orange hair smelling of wood-smoke - and a larger hand playing with his hair, occasionally tapping his cheek a few times before returning to his ministrations.

"What're you doing?"

Dongho's hand stills in his hair for a moment, and he grins, tilting his head back to catch a glimpse of his boyfriend's face. "You don't need to stop."

"...hnh."

He can feel the cold metal of Dongho's rings against his scalp, and he frowns, trying to count them in his mind. 

_One-two-three... four_?

One of them is warm - not uncomfortably so, but a bit warm nonetheless - and he reaches over to grasp it, ignoring Dongho's small noise of surprise.

Ah. Jaewon's.

(ruby and gold.)

"They're nice," he hums, snuggling back into Minsoo's chest. "Ah- did you get him a pillow?"

"He gets cramps no matter what way he sleeps," Dongho points out, but Daehyun knows that's just his way of saying _yes, and I picked up some painkillers on the way home_.

Daehyun nods, his hand coming up to tease tangles out of Jaewon's fiery hair, and Dongho sighs, gaze flickering towards the kitchen. 

"I'll make dinner?"

"Thanks," Daehyun smiles, and Dongho gives him a smile of his own - quick but genuine - as he hops off the arm of the couch. Minsoo tightens his grip on Daehyun's waist and mumbles something about pancakes, and Jaewon curls into his chest, the smell of wood-smoke filling his nostrils. 

It's nice.

This is nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl "it's not all wrong as long as we're still here" is one of my favorite lines from this fic so far
> 
> wrote most of this chapter between the hours of midnight and 3 am so
> 
> yeah
> 
> it's just soft okay
> 
> also if there are any typos (such as me mistyping the verb walks as the noun rocks) please let me know
> 
> next chapter starts second-arc setup too :D
> 
> (sorry for the incredibly long a/n, i'm just gonna drop some information here, so feel free to skip this:  
> at the moment it's looking like this fic is gonna cap at two arcs, with a small set of side stories coming possiblymaybe. the second arc will either start in 3-4 chapters or when i come back from vacation, depending on whether or not i have wifi. it's going to be structured differently from this arc, and it'll probably be about as long, but i already have most of it planned out, so it should be alright. i think i'm going to continue it on this story just for my motivation's sake, and since it does directly tie into this one. i think that's everything? probably. if you have any questions, please comment - i'm happy to answer them!  
> i also have everyone's second-arc themes picked out, too)
> 
> chapter title from boy in space's drown


	33. i may have other thoughts, i may dream other dreams, but in the end, i'm only speaking of you

"Are you seeing this?"

The general leans over the scientist's shoulder, lips pressed into a thin line. "Yeah."

That one- the red-haired one-

"They're idols, aren't they? Chaos or something?"

"Maybe. I remember Eunji was talking about them."

"How do you know more about Eunji than I do?"

"You're never _home_."

"...anyways. How is he doing that?"

The image on the screen stills, and the scientist clicks a button on the computer, projecting the still image around the lab. "It looks like he's manipulating fire."

"Do we have anything else?"

"No, but-"

"Why _not_?"

" _Donghyun_."

The general freezes, and the scientist sighs, raking a hand through platinum-blond hair. "They're public figures. We don't need to act right now."

"They're the ones _behind this_ , Minkyu-"

"And they are _public_. They're not going anywhere, Donghyun-ah, and from what I can tell, there might be a better way than force."

Minkyu clicks over to a different page and blows up an image on the screen - one of a portly man with over-gelled hair. "This is their CEO, Park-ssi. From what I can tell, he'd be willing to assist us... for proper monetary compensation."

"How much?"

"One billion won."

"Why so high?"

"They're his only active idol group."

Minkyu kicks back from his desk, rolling chair sliding along the tile as he drifts across the room. "Apparently, he needs the money for 'financial compensation' or something of the like."

"...I'll see what I can do. Now, who are we looking at?"

Minkyu shuffles through his files, gesturing for Donghyun to take a seat as he does. He pushes his glasses up his nose, squinting down at the fine print, and he slides back over to his desk, spreading four folders out over the desk.

"The one with red hair is Ahn Jaewon, stage name Wyld. Born May fifth, nineteen ninety-five. Known for being a womanizer."

"...he looks like I could break him if I stepped on him."

"Don't."

Donghyun snags the file and starts to flip through it, and Minkyu rolls his eyes, projecting another image on the screen. 

"This is the oldest, Kang Dongho, stage name D.Min. Born February nineteenth, nineteen ninety-two. His parents own a chain of companies throughout Korea, the United States, and Japan, so someone's going to notice if he goes missing."

Minkyu leans back, casting an unamused glare at Donghyun. "He looks like you, if you squint."

"What do you mean?"

"The build and the hair color. The name, a little."

"I'm not some prissy idol, Minkyu-yah."

"I was trying to compliment you, but okay."

Minkyu clicks over to the next image, and Donghyun squints at the screen for a moment, hands stilling on the manila folder. 

"He reminds me of someone."

"Yeah. He's the younger brother of a member of SA1NT."

"...the flower boys?"

"Yeah. His name is Lee Minsoo, born November twentieth, nineteen ninety-three. His brother is Lee Minsung, who's a year older than him."

"So he followed his brother into being an idol?"

"That's the theory."

Minkyu clicks over to the last image, and Donghyun pulls the third folder across the table, idly flipping through it.

"Kim Daehyun, born June twenty-seventh, nineteen ninety-six. He's apparently very sociable."

"Hm. Do we have any more footage on them?"

Minkyu nods, pulling up a grainy security cam video. "This is one of the last videos we have of them."

Donghyun watches as a fire hydrant explodes, spraying water everywhere, and one of the men hurls water towards Dongho, who upends the pavement to shield himself.

"...huh."

The way he sees it, there are two answers.

Either these four caused what happened and need to be arrested, or they're victims with uncontrollable abilities who are exceedingly dangerous and therefore need to be arrested.

It ends the same.

"Call Park-ssi. We need to move fast."

* * *

Minsoo-

has a bad feeling about this.

He's not sure _what_ , exactly, his bad feeling is about, but he knows it's _there_.

Daehyun, maybe? He's acting a little bit off - not enough to be worrying, but enough to be noticeable - and it would make sense if that was it.

And yet...

it feels like something else.

Jaewon? No- Jaewon's been doing a lot better now that they can go back to some sort of work, even if he is still a bit distant from the rest of them.

Dongho? Definitely not. Out of all of them, Dongho seems to be doing the best (but how Dongho seems is rarely an accurate representation of him, is it?) so Minsoo's not too worried about him.

It's just-

something is off.

"Soo?"

Minsoo blinks, wheeling to face Jaewon - who looks like he's actually put effort into today's outfit.

Shocking. Minsoo wishes he could say the same.

(he all but lives in sweatpants nowadays, and it's a bit pathetic, he'll admit.)

"I was going to see my friend, and I was wondering... if you wanted to come?"

Well-

Minsoo can't say no to that.

* * *

For a second, Minsoo thinks he's looking at Dongho.

The bartender looks like he could snap him in half with his bare hands, and were Minsoo not positive he could run faster than this guy could swing, he'd walk right back out the door.

Still-

the more he looks, the more the two separate from each other.

The bartender has swirling tattoos up his arms and neck, and wide, slanted eyes. He's a bit smaller than Dongho, and closer to wiry than muscular, and Minsoo only realizes he's staring when the guy quirks a brow, irritation evident.

"What're you looking at?"

"You," Minsoo frankly replies, and Jaewon's looking at them like he's not sure if this was a mistake or not.

For a moment, the two simply glare at each other, and Jaewon looks like he's closer to panicking with each passing second.

"So! Um, Jun-ah, this is Minsoo," Jaewon stammers, gesturing vaguely in Minsoo's direction, "and Minsoo, this is Jun!"

"Are you giving him cigarettes?"

Jaewon looks like he welcomes the void.

"Why do you think I smoke?" Jun asks, folding his arms over his chest. 

"You look like the kinda guy to beat up kids in a back alley for lunch money," Minsoo snaps, and Jun's eyebrow twitches.

"Wanna say that again-"

" _Alright_!" Jaewon exclaims, sliding between them and interlacing his fingers with Minsoo's. "Minsoo, what do you want to drink? Jun-ah makes the best coffee!"

"I'll have what he's having," Minsoo replies, pulling Jaewon into his side and wrapping an arm around the younger man's waist.

Jun stares at them for a moment, silent judgement filling the air before he turns back towards the coffeemaker. 

(behind him, there's a blond woman who looks like she's having an aneurysm. minsoo kind of wants to ask if she's okay, then decides against it.)

"Let's go take a seat," Minsoo suggests, and Jaewon shoots an apologetic glance at the barista before letting Minsoo tug him over to a table.

They take one of the four-person ones near the window, Minsoo closer to the wall (and further from escape). The elder gazes out the window, watching as a bird soars through the air, and for a moment, he has the completely reasonable desire to jump out the window and join him.

"What're wrong?" Jaewon whispers, and Minsoo blinks at him.

"What?"

"You're not usually like this. Is Jun irritating you?"

"No, I just-"

Minsoo groans, raking a hand through his hair. "I don't know. I just- he irritates me."

"...are you jealous?"

"No!"

"Soo," Jaewon whispers, a hint of mirth in his voice, "he's straight. Really, really straight."

Minsoo glares daggers at the man's back, and Jaewon looks like he's trying really hard not to laugh. "Is it because he looks like Dongho?"

"...no."

"Oh my _god_ -"

"Ssh!"

"I'm not attracted to him," Jaewon gasps, apparently on the verge of a hysteric breakdown, "I'm not. He's like my little brother."

" _What_."

All the blood drains from Jaewon's face as he stares up at the bartender, an awkward smile on his lips. "Oh..."

"You really thought I was gay?" Jun asks, plunking two coffee cups on the table. "Mm. No."

Minsoo blinks at him for a moment, but Jun's already moving on.

"And I'm _your_ younger brother? No way. I may be younger than you, but at least I have a real job."

"You're _younger than him_?" Minsoo squawks, and he can see the woman behind the counter losing her shit once more. "But- you look- you look, like, thirty!"

"Gee," Jun deadpans, "thanks. Always great to have someone tell me I look thirty."

Behind the counter, the blond woman collapses into another fit of giggles.

"Yah!" Jun calls, pulling out a small package from his pocket. "If you're gonna watch and cackle, at least do it in front of them!"

"This is way better!" the woman shouts, and Jun sighs, reaching up to massage his temples.

"Brat," Minsoo whispers, and Jun kicks him.

"Yah, Ahn Jaewon, are all your friends this rude?"

Jaewon's eyes widen, and he shakes his head - maybe a bit too enthusiastically, given the way Jun quirks a brow.

"Mhm. Sure."

"Hey!" Minsoo snaps, and Jaewon shrinks a little in his seat as the elder leans over the table to glare at Jun. "Who're you insulting, brat?"

"If you're older than me, then you should act like it."

" _Yah_ -"

"I must say," the blond woman cuts in, plopping two scones down on the table, "I never expected to see _two_ members of MAYHEM in this store!"

"I was fine with one," Jun mutters, and the woman smacks him. 

"My name is Nari," she continues, "and I'm _this idiot's_ boss."

" _This idiot_ is one of your only workers, ajumma-"

" _Who're you calling ajumma_?"

Minsoo snorts into his hands as Nari whacks Jun on the back of the head, turning back to them with a saccharine-sweet smile on her lips. "Can I get you anything?"

"I'm good," Minsoo wheezes, watching as Jun rubs his head. "Better than okay, even."

Jun shoots him a murderous glare, and Minsoo cracks up, head resting against the table as his shoulders shake. "Oh- oh my god- you look- you- oh my god-"

Jaewon looks a bit like he wants to cry.

"So," Jun snaps, apparently attempting to regain some of his dignity (it's too late - minsoo will never fear him again) "who are the other two?"

Talking about his boyfriends?

 _Hell_ yeah. This is Minsoo's _jam_.

"Well-"

"Yah, do you even read any of the articles I send you?" Nari demands, and Jun's eye twitches a bit at that.

"They're all from the _tabloids_. Why would I read them when I know the people involved?"

"Hey! You didn't even read the one about how he's secretly dating SA1NT's Minsung?"

"I got five words in, and my brain almost melted out of my ears."

"Didn't that one say I was dating him because he was glaring at me for the whole award show last year?"

Jaewon fidgets with his necklace, an awkward smile on his lips. "They called it a smitten gaze... I think he just wanted to kill me."

"Oh god," Minsoo groans, slamming his head against the table. "Bad thoughts. Nope. Stop. No."

"Are you talking about the article that said you and Minsung-"

" _No_ ," Minsoo whines, draping himself over Jaewon. "I was _trying not to think of it_."

"You two are sickening," Jun remarks, and Nari smacks him. " _What was that for_?"

"They're _adorable_!"

"Get your yaoi-obsessed ass away from me!"

"Takes one to know one," Minsoo gleefully replies, apparently not willing to let go of his 'Jun-is-secretly-gay' agenda.

At the moment, Jaewon's looking like he very much wishes he'd brought Dongho instead.

* * *

Daehyun's jolted awake by a scream.

He shrieks, toppling out of bed and somehow managing to upend his laptop, Jaewon's plushie, and his phone at the same time - the latter whacking him on the head before plopping into his lap. 

"What was that?" Jaewon whispers, eyes all but glowing in the dim light.

Daehyun shakes his head, untangling himself from his blankets and tip-toeing into the hall. "Let me go check."

He shuts the door behind him, leaning against the wood and listening to the apartment. "Hyung?"

He's not sure who he's referring to, but he can hear distant sobbing, so he heads for Dongho and Minsoo's room anyways.

He pushes open the door-

and _oh_.

Dongho's curled into a shaking ball on his bed (and _god_ , that _hurts_ \- he looks so _small_ ) and Minsoo has one arm around his shoulders, the other rubbing Dongho's calf in a way that looks somewhat soothing.

"What happened?" Daehyun whispers, and Minsoo raises his head, desperate gaze meeting his. 

"Nightmare."

He doesn't need to ask what of - the way Dongho's clinging to Minsoo speaks louder than words - so he climbs onto the bed, curling into the eldest's free side as best he can.

"I'm here," he promises, and Dongho sucks in a shuddering breath, trying to force up walls that've been ripped to shreds.

(it _hurts_ , seeing him like this.)

"How long, hyung?"

"Every night," the eldest rasps, voice sounding like the verbal equivalent of gravel. "Every night."

Ah.

That's why he hasn't been sleeping.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Dongho shakes his head, and Daehyun nods, rubbing soothing circles into his back. "Okay."

He's not sure when Jaewon arrives - only that he does - and at some point, Dongho falls asleep, the dark circles under his eyes only serving to accentuate how tired he must be. Daehyun moves to climb off the bed, but a hand shoots out to grab his wrist, and he wheels, staring into a pair of silver eyes.

"Stay," Minsoo all but begs, and, well-

Daehyun can't refuse that.

He climbs back onto the bed, and Jaewon wriggles around him to wrap his arms around Minsoo's waist, burying his face in the elder's hair. Daehyun, meanwhile, wraps himself around Dongho, arms snaking under his hoodie and around his scarred chest.

This bed wasn't made for four people, but they make it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KID YOU NOT I CHOSE THESE NAMES WITHOUT REALIZING HOW SIMILAR THEY SOUND  
> WHOOPS
> 
> SINCE WHEN HAS DAE BEEN '96 I DONT
> 
> IVE BEEN WRONG FOR ALMOST A YEAR
> 
> this chapter = me struggling
> 
> it's a perfect wtthwh chapter: plot, crack, tonal whiplash, and angst. perfect. ~~except the writing's crap but we don't talk about that part~~
> 
> chapter title from shinee's countless


	34. wherever we went, we wanted to go together

"I'm just _saying_ -"

Minsoo takes another bite of his breakfast bar, and Dongho stares apathetically at him, clearly attempting to listen but far too tired to form any coherent thoughts. "He's _really gay_. My gaydar _cannot_ be this broken."

"He's straight," Jaewon reminds him, and Minsoo shakes his head.

"No way."

"Oh, are you talking about hot barista guy?" Daehyun asks, plunking a plate of pancakes on the table. Minsoo immediately grabs two and piles them onto his plate, and Jaewon takes one after the leader's done, pushing one onto Dongho's plate since he seems to have fallen asleep.

"You've _met him_?"

"I've seen pictures."

"He's gay, _right_?"

Daehyun hums, pulling Dongho's mug of coffee towards him so his boyfriend won't burn his face on the steaming drink. "I don't think you can tell with just a picture-"

"So we're going to the shop today!"

Minsoo leans over to whack Dongho's head, and the eldest blinks at him, eyes half-lidded. "Hm?"

"We're going to see barista guy," Minsoo repeats, and Jaewon looks like he regrets ever telling them about Jun in the first place. "I need to know if my gaydar is broken."

"Technically, aren't you bi-"

" _Bidar, then_."

Daehyun places Dongho's mug back in his hands and takes another bite of his pancakes, expression pensive. "Is that a thing?"

"Let me _have this_ ," Minsoo whines, and Daehyun smiles, leaning over to press a kiss to Minsoo's forehead. 

"No."

"He's straight," Jaewon mumbles, taking a sad bite of his pancakes.

Minsoo didn't know it was possible to sadly eat a pancake, but somehow Jaewon's managed to achieve it.

"I agree with Jaewon," Daehyun immediately states, and Minsoo squawks, visibly affronted. 

"Why are you siding with him?"

"Because he's adorable."

"I'm not adorable?"

Daehyun seems to realize he's talked himself into a corner, so he picks up another pancake and stuffs it into his mouth in lieu of replying.

" _Yah, Kim Daehyun_!"

Jaewon, on the other hand, watches as Dongho chugs his mug of coffee in approximately ten seconds and blinks at the empty cup once he's done.

It is... mildly concerning.

"When did you wake up, hyung?"

Dongho stares at him for a moment, and Jaewon can see him struggling to remember a time. "...threeish?"

"Right," Jaewon weakly replies. "And what did you do at threeish?"

"I went to the company building to... dance for around three hours. Then I came back here."

"...right..."

"I'm fine, if that's what you're worried about."

Jaewon frowns at him, but says nothing.

* * *

"Ah, this place is so _nice_!"

Daehyun bounces on the balls of his feet as he stares up at the homey edifice, lips curled into a bright grin. "Right, right?"

"Yeah," Minsoo mutters, shooting daggers at the man at the counter.

Dongho doesn't respond - instead opting to down half the contents of his thermos in a few quick gulps - and Jaewon stares at him, placing a calming hand on his shoulder. 

"Are you okay?"

"Fine," Dongho simply replies, taking another swig from his thermos. "Why?"

"...no reason."

"Yah, Lee Minsoo."

Jun leans against the doorframe, eyes narrowed to thin slits. "I thought you weren't coming back."

"Who are you?"

Dongho and Jun glare at each other, identical expressions on their faces, and for a moment, Jaewon's reminded of that comic where the cat stares at the mirror and wonders who the other cat is. Dongho's a few inches taller, and Jun's a bit rougher around the edges, but Jaewon can see the resemblance nonetheless.

"Wow," Daehyun pipes up, breaking the long silence. "Creepy."

Jun scowls at him while Dongho grins (or, well - the corner of his mouth ticks up a bit, so it's pretty much the same thing) and the resemblance shatters. 

Weird.

"You two should do a parent trap thing!" he enthuses, pushing into the coffee shop with Minsoo's wrist in his grasp. "You can switch places!"

"And have to deal with that idiot all day?" Jun remarks, gesturing in Minsoo's general direction. "No thanks. I much prefer my minimum-wage job with no benefits."

"I don't pay you minimum wage!" Nari shouts, and Jun rolls his eyes.

"My mistake. My _barely-above-minimum-wage_ job."

Nari materializes out of nowhere to whack Jun with a rolled-up magazine, and the barista shouts in protest, wheeling to try and snatch the magazine from her hands.

"Where do you keep _getting those_?"

"I use my _much larger paycheck_ to buy them!"

" _Two hundred thousand won isn't a lot more!_ "

"Look at this brat," Nari snorts, and Jun's brow twitches as he rakes a hand through his hair. "He won't even call me noona."

"I'll call you noona when you stop leaving me with the bill," Jun snaps, and Nari pales.

" _Not in front of MAYHEM_ -"

"Oh my _god_ -"

"Go make drinks!" Nari exclaims, pushing Jun towards the counter. "And remember what I told you!"

"I'm not going to 'add an extra zero'," Jun drawls, and Nari pales further.

"Ahahaha, _what_? Who said that? Certainly not me! Now, how about those drinks-"

Nari ushers them to a table near the window and pulls out a pair of extra chairs (with jaewon and daehyun in the middle due to them being the members least likely to cause a fight) before heading back to the counter, apparently planning to surprise them(?) with their drinks. 

Good luck to her.

Daehyun types furiously on his phone, and Minsoo leans over, trying to see what Daehyun's smirking at, but the youngest leans out of his space, winking flirtatiously at the leader as he stuffs his phone into his pocket. 

"Wha- _what was that_?"

"Oh, nothing..."

"Now I really wanna know!"

"You'll be waiting for a while, then."

Daehyun winks at him again, and Minsoo slumps low in his seat, mumbling something about 'stupid cute boyfriends and their cute faces'.

On the other side of the table, Dongho, defying all logic and reason, seems to have fallen asleep on Jaewon's shoulder. Jaewon - as smitten as ever - strokes his hair, lips curled into a gentle smile as he watches Minsoo and Daehyun bicker.

Dongho looks younger in sleep, he thinks. The frown lines etched on his forehead disappear, and the scar on his forehead stands out in the bright lighting, silver on lightly tanned skin. 

He's stunning. He's stunning, and Jaewon is very much in love.

"Why won't you tell me?" Minsoo pouts, and Daehyun presses a quick kiss to his lips, a smile slipping onto his face.

"How is that fun?"

"Meanie."

Daehyun kisses him once more - this one lingering, going on for a few seconds before he pulls away, and Jaewon's gaze flickers to the windows, nerves thrumming in his chest.

"Got your drinks," Nari grins, placing four mugs on the table. Jaewon gratefully accepts his own latte, then takes in the others' - Daehyun's a hot chocolate, Minsoo's a caffè mocha, and Dongho's... appears to be just copious shots of espresso. 

Jesus Christ.

"I'll make him something better when he can stay awake," Nari quips, and Jaewon nudges Dongho's side, trying to prod the eldest into wakefulness.

"Coffee's here," he murmurs, and Dongho mumbles something into his sleeve, reaching up to rub his eyes before his gaze zeroes in on the mug in front of him. "No-no-no-"

He just _knows_ Dongho's going to try and chug this one too.

"Hey," Minsoo huffs, leaning over to poke the space between Dongho's eyebrows. "Didn't you tell me to savor good drinks?"

"I don't remember that," Dongho lies, and Minsoo scowls.

"Wha- you liar!"

"Ah, hyung," Daehyun frowns, reaching over to grasp Dongho's mug, "haven't you had enough coffee for one day?"

"No," Dongho simply states, trying in vain to grab the mug before Daehyun sweeps it out of the way. "Wait-"

"Gay," Minsoo whispers, glaring daggers at Jun. "He's gay."

"You're also gay," Jaewon points out, and Minsoo rolls his eyes.

"Yes, but he's _really_ gay. I mean, you can't look like _that_ and be heterosexual."

"Ooh, are we gossiping?"

Nari slides into the chair next to Jaewon, and the younger nearly recoils on instinct - only for Dongho's hand to land on his shoulder, steadying him. "I have the tea on Jun-"

" _Is he gay_."

Nari stares at him for a moment, and Jun leans over the counter, irritation sparking in his eyes.

"Don't answer him."

"But-"

"Remember Sungmin?"

"I-"

"He cried. You made him cry."

"Okay, I _thought Taehyuk knew_ -"

"Why would he know?"

"Sungminnie whines about his boyfriends _all the time_!"

"Because nobody's good enough for him."

"How is that _my fault_?"

"Ajumma."

"Yah!"

Jun plunks a croissant down on the table in front of Jaewon before taking the seat across from Nari (and okay, maybe daehyun stares at him for a little bit, but he's objectively hot). "Nari isn't allowed to talk about employees' sexual preferences after the Sungmin incident."

"What was the Sungmin incident?" Daehyun asks, and Jaewon appreciates that he's the only one that can ask (jaewon's too shy) and not make it sound probing (minsoo) or incredibly awkward (dongho). 

"Sungmin was trying to see if Taehyuk was gay, and then this _idiot_ -"

" _-yah-_ "

"-strolls in and basically tells Taehyuk that Sungmin's really gay and probably wants to sleep with him. Sungmin cried and locked himself in the storage closet, and I had to come get him. Have you ever had to talk to someone who's crying in the storage closet because you outed them to their crush?"

"...somehow," Jaewon starts, gaze flickering over the assembled group (dongho having once again fallen asleep) "I don't think that was ever really in question."

"Dongho seemed pretty straight," Daehyun remarks, and Minsoo shakes his head.

"Nuh-uh. Nah. He painted my nails, once."

" _Gender non-conformity_ -"

"Quote Jiho one more time and I will throw you out the window."

"Jiho?" Jaewon helplessly replies, and Jun nods.

"Yeah. You didn't think I was the only barista, did you?"

Jaewon slowly nods, and Jun sighs, hiding his face in his hands.

"No. There's me, Nari-"

"You _never call me noona-_ "

"-Sungmin, Taehyuk, and Jiho. Plus some other people, but they're all I can remember off the top of my head."

"You have friends?" Minsoo gasps, and Jun glares daggers at him. 

"I can and will murder you."

"He can't," Nari giggles, and Jun turns his glare on her. "He's so cute-"

"Finish that sentence. I dare you."

" _Straight_ ," Daehyun whispers, and Minsoo kicks him. 

"The coffee is great, noona," Jaewon smiles, taking a sip of his latte. "Have you guys tried it yet?"

"I-"

"Not you," Daehyun scolds, pulling the mug further away from Dongho's searching hands. "How many cups have you had today?"

"They're not doing anything," Dongho mutters, raking a hand through his hair. 

Minsoo suddenly looks-

very guilty.

"I don't know why," Dongho continues, looking genuinely miserable. "Maybe I'll pick up an energy drink on the way home-"

"I think," Minsoo edges, and Dongho's gaze snaps to his, "that's because it might be decaf."

There's a moment where nobody moves.

Then Dongho slams his forehead into the table.

A long-suffering groan escapes his lips as Jaewon rubs his back consolingly, something between pity and sympathy shining in his eyes. Daehyun slides the coffee back across the table, patting Dongho's back soothingly, and Minsoo looks genuinely distressed by this turn of events. 

"I found the box in the back of the cabinet, and I thought we just hadn't used it all 'cause it was open, and I never thought it was _decaf_ , I would've grabbed something if I knew-"

"'s fine," Dongho mumbles, and Jaewon taps his back a few times, rousing him after a few attempts. "Ugh, this is embarrassing..."

"It's fine," Jaewon assures him, and Dongho picks up the mug, taking a small sip before placing it back on the table.

Hm. Nice to know his dignity is intact.

(or, well. passably so.)

"Your boyfriends are weird," Jun candidly informs Jaewon, and the idol laughs (well, giggles).

("he's so cute," daehyun breathes, gripping minsoo's hand for dear life. "soo, soo, are you hearing this-")

"You're not exactly normal yourself," Nari quips, and Jun rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his drink. 

"Yeah, but I don't have three boyfriends."

A book flies through the air and whacks him on the back of the head.

Jun chokes on his coffee, hand flying up to rub the sore spot, and Jaewon shoots a pleading glance at an unapologetic Minsoo.

"What was that?"

Daehyun looks torn between laughing and apologizing, and Dongho hides his half-grin behind the rim of his cup, taking another slow, measured sip. 

"I'm so sorry," Jaewon apologizes, and Daehyun pulls the book out of the air, whacking Minsoo with it (" _yah_! how can you treat your boyfriend like this-") before placing it in his lap. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Jun mutters, shooting a murderous glare in Minsoo's direction.

(minsoo seems to be imitating an angel, if the bright smile he gives jun is any indication.)

"So," Nari grins, resting her chin on her hands, "tell me what it's like to be an idol."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> or: the one about whether or not jun is gay
> 
> shout out to jamlessgenius for giving me the informatoin from loose threads!!! for those of you that have read it, taehyuk is... taehyuk, sungmin is the absolute babie that never got a name (normally i wouldn't give him one, but since the webtoon is on hiatus, i'm doing it because he owns my heart and soul and i love him forever) and jiho is an oc to round out the ranks
> 
> they will come back soon
> 
> but not in the way you probably think :)
> 
> chapter title from coffee by bts


	35. trust your beating heart

"We have a proposition for you."

The CEO stares at them, hands folded on his desk. "Who let you in here?"

Truth be told - the two men don't appear very intimidating. The taller one, though well-built, hides his face under a cap and mask, and the smaller one appears ragged, hair a mess and jacket oversized.

"Your secretary."

The smaller one grins - awkward in a sort of charming way - and places a briefcase on the desk, flicking it open. "Proof that we're worth listening to."

The CEO flicks open the briefcase-

and stacks upon stacks of bills greet him.

"Oh," he manages to state, composure eluding him in the face of billions of won. "You're those people."

"We are... _those people_ ," the taller one states, pulling out a chair and taking a seat. "And we'd appreciate your attention."

Somehow, the CEO feels like they're the ones in charge.

"What do you want?" he asks, and the smaller one's grin falls into a serious scowl. 

"Your help."

"With what?"

"The government has taken an interest in the idols under your management," the taller one states, and the CEO gawps at him. "Close your mouth, Park-ssi."

"What do you want me to do?" he manages to ask, and the smaller one stares at him, seemingly bewildered.

"It's that easy?"

" _Minkyu_."

The smaller one - Minkyu - nods, pushing a strand of blond hair out of his eyes. "What we want is your assistance in the capture and the cover-up."

"And how much... how much money is involved, again?"

"Ten billion won."

"I'm in."

Minkyu blinks at him, blindsided, and his gaze flits to the taller one. "You don't... you don't wanna know what we want? Or what we're gonna do with them?"

Truth be told, the CEO doesn't particularly care. 

After all, the end game has always been money. 

"I feel like I can speak candidly to you," he grins, slimy and slick and _horrible_. "I don't particularly care."

Minkyu stares at him, and the other man nods, pulling out a piece of paper. "If that's what you choose."

"You really don't want to know?"

This isn't really a difficult concept to grasp, the CEO thinks. 

"Why would I?" he asks, spreading his hands wide. "It's just business."

* * *

Dongho can't sleep.

It's more of a bad feeling than anything else keeping him up, but it's one that's been building for _days_.

Maybe it's just residual nerves from being in an apartment building? The further he is from the earth, the more tense he seems to feel, so maybe going for a quick walk would help?

...no. It doesn't feel like that's what this is.

This feels like something _deeper_.

He stares out the window, gaze pinned on the skyline, and thinks.

Something bad is going to happen. He doesn't know _what_ it is, just that it's _something_.

(that bad feeling mixing with his nightmares is never a good sign. if he has to see daehyun bleeding out in front of him one more time, he might lose his mind.)

He sips on his energy drink, committing to a sleepless night.

After all, you can't dream if you don't sleep.

It's not the healthiest option - and he'd definitely scold any of the others if he tried this - but _god_ , he just wants to forget the feeling of blood on his hands.

(wants to forget the way celi stared at him, tears spilling down his cheeks as blood dribbled from his lips, and he _begged_ dongho to spare him.

he was stabbed through and pinned to the wall, and he still begged for mercy.

and dongho murdered him.

his death was slow and painful, so, so slow, and dongho still remembers the tackiness of dried blood on his hands, still remembers the way blood spilled down celi's neck, over his lips, the way he kept coughing, kept trying to clear his throat as more and more blood painted his clothes-

dongho is a murderer.

worse than any of them, even. because where nisi's death was quick, absy's death was self-defense, and thy's death was peaceful, dongho stared a dying man in the eyes and slashed his throat.)

He sucks in a ragged breath, head thunking against the window as his eyes flutter shut.

(a useless effort. he can see the blood even when he closes his eyes.

especially then.)

God, he wants to forget.

(but god knows he doesn't deserve to.)

"Dongho?"

For a moment, it's wrong.

_brokenearthbloodonhishandsdaehyun'sdesperateit'sallwrong-_

A hand lands on his shoulder, and he blinks, gaze landing on Daehyun's concerned expression.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Earlier," Dongho frowns, and Daehyun stares at him - distrusting. "Why're you up?"

"Nightmare," Daehyun simply replies, and Dongho frowns. 

"You should go back to bed."

"Are you?"

Dongho stares at him, and Daehyun stares right back, a teasing grin on his lips. "'Cause if you're not, then I won't, either."

"Yes, you will."

Daehyun shrieks, wheeling so fast Dongho's shocked he didn't elbow Minsoo in the nose. "Soo! What?"

"Come back to bed," Minsoo mutters, scrubbing his eyes with his hands. "It's four in the morning. You shouldn't be up yet."

Dongho nods, and Minsoo leans around Daehyun to glare at him, eyes thin slits. "I meant both of you."

"Just had an energy drink," Dongho replies, raising his empty can.

"Then you can cuddle me for four hours."

Minsoo is... not going to let this go.

"I'll go if he goes," Daehyun grins, and, well-

how is Dongho supposed to win in this house?

"Sure," Dongho relents, and Minsoo grins, grabbing his wrist and dragging him towards their room.

"We pushed the beds together," the leader explains, and Daehyun nods, stumbling along with them. "I thought you wouldn't mind."

Minsoo thought right, but Dongho's not going to tell him that.

Jaewon's awake when they get back, crimson hair a mess and eyes thin slits as he blinks at them. "Wha'?"

"I'm back," Daehyun grins, wrapping his arms around Jaewon and tangling their legs together.

"Ah... good..."

"You wanna be the big spoon or little spoon?" Minsoo asks, and Dongho blinks at him, bewildered.

"What?"

"Hm. Actually. Yah, Daehyun."

"Hng?" Daehyun mumbles, face buried in Jaewon's hair. 

"Swap with me."

Daehyun's head pops up, a pout on his lips. "Why?"

"You're the best at cuddling."

Dongho and Daehyun both gawp at him - Daehyun due to the insinuation that he's the best cuddler, and Dongho due to the fact that Minsoo's forcing (wanted) cuddles on him.

"Okay," Daehyun breathes, slowly untangling himself from Jaewon. "I can do that."

Minsoo grins, wiggling up to throw his arm over Jaewon's chest. "Good."

Somehow, the fact that Minsoo's the one calling the shots doesn't surprise Dongho in the least.

Daehyun pulls Dongho down onto the bed, and Jaewon curls into his chest, a soft groan escaping his lips. "...timeizzit?"

"Four," Dongho replies, and Daehyun groans as well, pressing his nose into Dongho's hair.

"Go to sleep."

"Energy drink."

"Ssh," Daehyun mumbles, covering his mouth with a hand. "Sleep time."

They planned this. There is no doubt in Dongho's mind.

He's not going to be able to sleep, but... this is nice nonetheless. Safe, if only for a moment.

(he falls asleep at some point anyways)

* * *

When Jaewon wakes up, Minsoo's already left for the day. 

There's a note on the table and... suspiciously crunchy toast next to it. Jaewon's not sure what happened to that piece of bread, but he doesn't think he wants to know.

Daehyun's in the kitchen, hair pushed out of his face with a headband (it's getting long - they all need haircuts, and in in daehyun's case, a redye) and humming along to a song on the radio Jaewon barely recognizes. He's stirring a bowl of something, the sleeves of his (dongho's) hoodie rolled up to his elbows, and Jaewon is just-

so fond.

"Morning," he greets, and Daehyun's eyes light up. He places the bowl on the counter and darts over to press a quick kiss to Jaewon's lips (which gives him that nice little floaty feeling) before turning back to his food, lips curled in a smile.

"Dongho still asleep?"

"Yeah," Jaewon replies, a smile slipping onto his face. "I think he'll be out the whole day, if we're lucky."

Daehyun hums affirmation, placing a pan on the burner and flicking it on. "Did you eat the toast?"

"No. Why?"

"Minsoo made it," the younger replies, expression turning grave for a moment. "I don't know what he did to it, but I don't think it's bread anymore."

Jaewon is not going to fight him on that.

"Do you need any help?"

"Sure!" Daehyun grins, gesturing to the pan. "Can you melt the butter in that? The batter is almost done."

Jaewon nods, and Daehyun's grin widens. "Awesome!"

This is nice, Jaewon thinks, rubbing the pan with butter. It's nice to not have to worry about anything when he's with his boyfriends. It's nice, being like this.

(a part of him wishes these halcyon days could last forever. there's no pressure to be wyld, no pressure to work, no pressure to do anything... it'd be nice to live like this.)

* * *

Dongho _does_ , unfortunately, wake up around three p.m., but at least it's late enough that there's really no time to do anything else for the day.

(otherwise daehyun's _positive_ dongho would try to go to the dance studio or in to talk with the ceo about comeback things. he never stops working, really.)

They end up binging movies, and Dongho falls asleep _again_ (which is actually great) on Daehyun's lap in the middle of _Spirited Away_ , which means Daehyun is legally entitled to playing with his hair. 

(jaewon looks like he wishes dongho fell asleep on his lap, so daehyun pulls him over to share. it's nice, really.)

Around halfway through the third movie, Jaewon stops watching it in favor of watching Daehyun and Dongho. 

It's... enlightening, to say the least.

Dongho doesn't look like he's having nice dreams - his eyes are screwed shut, and beads of sweat roll down his forehead. His hands occasionally twitch - as though he's reaching for someone - and he curls into Daehyun's stomach, tears rolling down his face.

Daehyun stares blankly at the television, seeing but not watching. One hand absently strokes Dongho's hair, and it looks like he's fighting an internal war of sorts - since he'd have noticed the eldest having a nightmare in any other circumstance.

"Dae," Jaewon whispers, leaning over to prod the youngest's shoulder. "Dae-yah."

Daehyun's eyes snap back to clarity, and he sucks in a ragged breath, blinking a few times to clear the haze in his mind. "What?"

"Nightmare," Jaewon replies, gesturing to Dongho's sleeping form. 

Daehyun frowns, reaching down to brush tears off the eldest's cheeks. "...it's weird," he muses, "seeing him like this."

"Yeah," Jaewon murmurs, letting Daehyun try and coax Dongho back into the realm of dreams. "...should we wake him up?"

"He needs the sleep," Daehyun murmurs, eyes _sad sad sad_ as he stares down at Dongho. 

"But if he's having a nightmare..."

Jaewon doesn't have to finish it.

(after all - they all have their driving forces, and dongho's is fear.)

The door slams open, and Jaewon yelps, Dongho bolting upright so quickly it's a miracle he doesn't collide with Daehyun's head. 

"Guess who's back?" Minsoo crows, and Dongho glares at him, though there's no heat behind it.

"You're the only other person who lives here, Soo."

"It's _me_!" Minsoo continues, steadfastly ignoring Dongho's point. "And I have news!"

"News?" Daehyun asks, and Minsoo nods emphatically.

"We've got a meeting with the CEO tomorrow!"

Jaewon stiffens at that, fear washing over him in waves.

( _he doesn't want to go back, doesn't want to have to be that person again, he doesn't-_ )

"Why?" Dongho asks, and Jaewon doesn't need to look to tell he's upset.

(not _upset_ , but- not okay with this, either. somewhere between afraid and worried.)

"Probably about a new schedule!" Minsoo grins, and _oh_ , they all know that's not the truth.

Meetings with the CEO never end well. Not for Jaewon, at least.

"...when is it?" Dongho asks, and Minsoo snaps his fingers.

"Right! It's tomorrow at nine!"

"In the morning?" Daehyun asks, and Minsoo nods. 

"Yep!"

"'Kay," the youngest grins, hopping off the couch and heading for the kitchen. "I'll make dinner if you guys wanna watch something?"

And _oh_ , Jaewon doesn't know why he has such a bad feeling about this, but being around the others is the best remedy for that.

"Sure," he grins, and Minsoo beams, floating (literally - jaewon doesn't think he notices he does it) across the room to press a kiss to his lips. "Wha- what's that for?"

"You have a cute smile," Minsoo hums, and Jaewon chokes.

They end up having ramen that Daehyun somehow manages to make taste good, and watch _Finding Nemo_ after Minsoo's proposition of _Joker_ was shot down (by daehyun, shockingly, which jaewon greatly appreciates). Jaewon's not sure _how_ Daehyun knew _Finding Nemo_ was one of his favorite movies, but he's not going to question it. Besides, the fish are adorable, and he loves them to tears. 

Actual tears. He may or may not start crying.

Although, in his defense, that only happens once they get well into _Finding Dory_ , and he's pretty sure Minsoo is crying too, and even Dongho looks a little teary-eyed, and he just _really loves these movies, okay_ -

* * *

Minsoo wakes up at two in the morning with a severe need for _food_.

Unfortunately, he's currently being glomped by Jaewon. 

Were it anyone else ( _anyone_ not including daehyun or dongho) he would wake them up and then escape, but since it's _Jaewon_ , there is no way in _hell_ he's doing that.

This leads to him spending a painful fifteen minutes slowly extracting himself from Jaewon's grasp before he makes it into the hall, pushing the door shut behind him. 

It's dark.

It's really dark, and Minsoo is a bit unnerved.

He tip-toes into the kitchen, trying to ignore how much it feels like a stealth horror game, when something wet brushes his hand.

No.

No-no- _no_.

He shivers, clutching his hand to his chest as his gaze roams the room. "Daehyun?"

No response.

"Dongho?"

Still nothing.

He heads for the cabinet, pulling it open and withdrawing a protein bar as quietly as he can-

and the floor creaks.

Minsoo wheels as quickly as he can, the protein bar held out in front of him like a sword. "Who's there?"

No response.

"Come out with your hands up!"

Jesus _Christ_ , he's imitating cop thrillers.

Something wet brushes against his hand once more, and he inhales, spinning to press his head against the cabinet.

"Nothing's there. You're going crazy. Nothing's there."

He turns back around-

and is met with a shadowy form right behind him.

He stares for a moment, paralyzed, before he reaches out with his ability to flick on the light.

Soulless fish eyes bore into his soul, and he screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while writing this i actually thought "i just want them to be happy"  
> aha  
> ahahahahaha
> 
> another chapter of the ceo being the absolute worst but is anyone really surprised
> 
> THE FISH HEAD!!! IT'S THE FISH HEAD!!!!  
> that's what daehyun was doing on his phone last chapter... ordering the fish head :)
> 
> next chapter... 👀  
> hoo boy
> 
> chapter title from onf's new world


	36. i put my life on the line, i'll protect you

Minsoo-

doesn't honestly know how to feel.

The walk to the CEO's office feels like a death march, the only thing keeping him from turning tail and leaping out the nearest window the soft pressure of Daehyun's hand in his. It's almost darkly comical - the fact that their youngest is doing the best of all of them - since it really _should_ be Minsoo.

It's just a meeting to discuss promotions, so why does it feel like they're heading to their deaths?

Dongho leads the way into the room - he's playing with Daehyun's ring, rubbing his thumb over the strip of lapis-lazuli - and Jaewon follows, fear painted over with a confident facade.

It makes Minsoo feel a little bit incompetent. A little bit _wrong_.

He's the leader. He should be the one leading the way into that room. He should be the one reassuring the others.

And instead he's just... here.

Why?

He can tell Dongho's inordinately stressed about this - more so than Minsoo's ever seen him - and Daehyun's just... repressing things to hell. 

Minsoo idly wonders how that's going for him. Is it a good idea? Should he try it?

"Have a seat, boys."

There's something undeniably _greasy_ about the CEO's smile, and it's doing nothing to put Minsoo at ease. 

He takes a seat nonetheless. 

"Dongho?"

Minsoo twists in his chair, gaze landing on the eldest. He's standing there, arms crossed over his chest and gaze dark, and Minsoo's struck with the sudden and irrational thought that he looks _dangerous_.

Which is stupid.

"What is this meeting about?"

"Comeback preparations," Minsoo assures him, and Dongho's expression doesn't waver. 

"I don't believe that."

" _Hyung_ ," Minsoo hisses - a warning. "It's just a normal meeting."

"It's not."

(oh, and they both know it isn't - both know that _something's_ wrong. but unlike dongho, minsoo's motivated by hope - _hope_ that something can be better. _hope_ that this isn't a trap.)

The CEO splays his hands, lips curling into a sickening grin. "You always thought you were the smartest, eh?"

Guns click, and Minsoo feels his blood run cold. 

(that's the danger of hope, then - when it fails.)

"What is this?" Dongho demands, and one man steps forwards, a pistol in his hands.

"You're under arrest."

A hand clasps his - Daehyun's - and Dongho takes a step towards the three of them, eyes burning with ill-concealed fury. "What are we being accused of?"

"It doesn't matter."

Dongho scoffs, and Minsoo grasps Jaewon's wrist, squeezing as tightly as he can. "Aren't we entitled to know what we're being accused of?"

"That only applies to humans."

Oh, no.

No, no, _no_.

"Now, are you going to come peacefully? Or do we need to do this the hard way?"

Dongho grips Minsoo's shoulder for a moment and _squeezes_ \- a silent promise. "Grab them."

"What?"

The ground rumbles-

and the building tilts.

Minsoo grasps Daehyun and Jaewon's wrists and leaps for the window, driving his foot into the glass. His mind runs a desperate loop of _whataboutDonghowhataboutDongho_ and he can hear the distant booms of guns, but Dongho _made this opportunity_ and he'll be right behind them.

Dongho's smart. Too smart to do something like this without a backup plan. 

" _Dongho_!" Daehyun shrieks, and Minsoo yanks him through the window, clutching both Jaewon and Daehyun tight to his chest as they fall. 

The wind whips by, and someone's screaming - most likely Jaewon - but they have nothing to fear.

Nothing, save the copious amount of cop cars ringing the building. 

Minsoo's gaze flits towards the crumbling building, and he tightens his grip on them, screwing his eyes shut. "I'm gonna need you to trust me, 'kay?"

" _What_?" Daehyun shrieks, and Minsoo presses a kiss to his lips for a single, fleeting moment before letting go.

Gunshots cut through the air, and Minsoo hurls Jaewon and Daehyun as far out of range as he can, screwing his eyes shut as he tries to cushion his own fall. He can _feel it_ \- the second Jaewon falls out of range - and Daehyun screams, grasping in vain as the redhead drops to the ground like a stone.

No.

No, no, _no_.

Minsoo groans as he slams into a dumpster, _pain_ shooting up his spine and the back of his head. He can't see Daehyun or Jaewon - hopefully, they managed to get away - and he can't see Dongho, either.

He's not sure how long he lies there, but at some point, a hand clasps over his mouth.

" _Mmph-_ "

"Ssh," Daehyun breathes, and Minsoo groans, letting the youngest pull him out of the bed of trash. "Ssh, ssh, hey, it's okay-"

Dark spots dance in his vision, and a hand presses to the crimson leaking from his head, long fingers covering the wound as it heals. Minsoo catches sight of a figure slumped against the wall - blood dripping from a gash in his forehead - and he makes a small noise of protest, grasping wildly for the figure.

Dongho or Jaewon.

It's Dongho or Jaewon.

"Heal- heal him. Why-"

"There's something wrong on the inside," Daehyun whispers, gaze flickering to the street. "I don't- I can't- it's _wrong_. He's just- I don't know what to do."

His hands are shaking.

"It's okay," Minsoo whispers, stumbling to his feet. "It's- it's okay. We just- we have to get out of the city."

"City's on lockdown," Daehyun murmurs. "No-one gets in or out."

"Then- where can we go?"

"SA1NT."

"What?"

"Youngjoon," Daehyun clarifies, and Minsoo frowns. 

"No. We can't- SA1NT- we can't."

"Jaewon needs _help_ ," Daehyun stresses, and Minsoo shakes his head. 

"Minsung won't help us."

"Then- then Jun. The coffee shop. We need- we need to do _something_."

"We'll go to the coffee shop," Minsoo assures him, gaze flickering to the street. "But Dongho-"

His blood runs cold as his eyes land on a familiar head of dark hair, and he yanks Daehyun to his chest, fear pulsing through his veins.

No.

A number of armed men drag Dongho down the street, multiple guns trained on his head. Minsoo can only watch, helpless, as they shove him into a fan, and the door slam shut, the car racing down the road. 

"No," Daehyun whispers, eyes widening as the van disappears from view. "No, no, _no_ , _Dongho_ -"

He tries to sprint for the road, and Minsoo grabs his wrist, yanking the younger into his arms. "No, no, hyung, let me _go_ , you have to- you have to _let me go_ -"

"We have to go," Minsoo whispers, wrestling Daehyun away from the road. "Dae, Dae, we have to _go_ -"

" _No_ ," Daehyun wails, and Minsoo pulls him back, bending down to throw Jaewon over his shoulder. 

"We have to go. _Now_."

" _Dongho_ ," Daehyun sobs, harsh and broken, and Minsoo nods, tugging the youngest through the streets. "No, no, we have to- we have to go back, what are you doing?"

"We _can't_ ," Minsoo hisses, and another sob escapes Daehyun's lips. "He made- he made us an opening. We have to go."

Daehyun nods, lips quivering, but he follows Minsoo nonetheless.

They sprint through the streets, Minsoo's grip tight on Jaewon's back as blood smears over his jacket and tee. Daehyun follows, hand firmly clasped in Minsoo's, and they _run_ , run until Minsoo's gasping for air and his feet ache. 

They have to go. Have to- have to go. Have to make it to Jun's.

"Stop!"

No.

Minsoo yanks Daehyun to a stop, fear coursing through his veins at the sight of _hundreds of soldiers_ right in front of them. 

No, no, no, no, _no_.

"Fuck," Minsoo hisses, yanking Daehyun back the way they came. "C'mon, c'mon-"

A gunshot fires, and Daehyun screams, crumpling to the ground.

Minsoo stares at him, and Daehyun shakes his head, trying to stand but to no avail. "Go," the youngest hisses, and Minsoo shakes his head.

"I'm not leaving you-"

" _Go!_ "

Minsoo shakes his head, tears welling in his eyes, and Daehyun tries to shove him forwards, though it's a weak effort. " _Go_!"

"I can- I can carry you! I can-"

"I'll just slow you down," Daehyun breathes, and Minsoo's gaze flits to the quickly-approaching soldiers, fear coursing through his veins. "There isn't enough time. You have to go. _Please_ , Minsoo. Let me do this for you."

Daehyun's eyes are wide, pleading, but so _horribly_ resolved, and Minsoo-

Minsoo can't lose him. He can't.

"...I'm coming back for you," Minsoo vows, grasping Daehyun's hand for a single, fleeting moment. "I'm going to find you."

Daehyun grins at him before shoving him away, tears streaming down his cheeks. " _Go_."

And Minsoo does.

He sprints towards the coffee shop, trying to ignore the massive spike of _ice_ that shoots into the air (it's daehyun, daehyun's fighting, daehyun might be able to escape, daehyun has to-) as he runs. Jaewon's head lolls against his chest, crimson smearing over his shirt, and he _can't leave Jaewon_ but he _has to_.

Jaewon will be safer without him. 

Jaewon will - Jaewon will be safer with Jun. Jaewon can live out those halcyon days. Jaewon will- they won't look for Jaewon as hard if they have him. 

(but he has to find daehyun, he has to find dongho, he has to-)

He stumbles into the the coffee shop - blessedly empty - and arms wrap around him, Jun's dark eyes meeting his.

(dongho - he looks like dongho. dongho who's gone, dongho who isn't coming back, _dongho_ -)

"Minsoo?"

"Jaewon," Minsoo gasps, pulling Jaewon off his shoulder and all but shoving him into Jun's arms. "Take him. Please."

"Minsoo, what-"

"I have to go," Minsoo breathes, taking a step back. "Take care of him. Please, please, Jun- take care of him."

"What- _where are you going?"_

" _Please_ ," Minsoo begs, taking another few steps back. "Take care of him. _Promise me_."

"I- I promise."

Minsoo smiles - a little relieved, a little broken - and he pushes open the door, gaze pinned on Jaewon's unconscious form. "Thank you."

And with that-

he runs.

He can hear the soldiers shouting at him from the distance, and he runs even faster, sneakers slamming against the pavement as bullets whistle by his ear. One skims his arm, and he hisses, sprinting towards the nearest bridge.

Go.

He has to go. 

Nobody's coming for him. He has to save himself.

" _Shoot him_!" someone screams, and Minsoo screams as a bullet embeds itself in his arm. 

Keep going.

He has to keep going.

Blood smears over his hands as he grips the wound, exhaustion weighing him down as his sprint turns into a broken stagger. 

Keep going.

He has to keep going.

Dongho and Daehyun didn't sacrifice themselves so he could get captured. He has to keep going.

God, Jaewon's going to fucking kill him.

It's alright, though. As long as Jaewon's safe, it'll be alright.

He catches sight of a bridge and pours all the energy he has left into reaching it, tears streaming down his cheeks as his arm _howls_.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ -

" _Fucking shoot him_!"

Minsoo hops onto the railing-

and leaps.

There's a moment where he's weightless, a moment where he's flying, and _god_ is it a perfect moment. It reminds him of happiness, of relief, of _love_ , and he smiles, letting himself go limp. 

He slams into the water, and it envelops him.

The cold invades his bones, and he shuts his eyes, pulling oxygen bubbles from the air to breathe. The water tosses him to and fro, and he resigns himself to the current, letting it pull him along. 

They're gone.

They're all gone.

They're all gone, and Daehyun and Dongho might be _dead_ , and they're _gone_ , and he's _alone_ -

and he's so cold.

He's so, so cold.

A strip of concrete catches his eye, and he reaches out with his good arm, gripping the ground for dear life. It's night already, and even as he hauls himself onto the bank, he can see strobing headlights passing overhead. 

He's alone.

There's no Daehyun here to cheer him up. No Dongho to hold him and tell him he'll be okay. No Jaewon to make him warm with just a smile.

He's just Minsoo.

Alone.

A harsh sob tears its way from his throat, and he digs his nails into the filthy concrete, hot tears streaming down his cheeks.

He's alone. 

He stumbles to his feet, hand pressed to the bullet wound in his arm, and he leans against the wall for a moment, breath coming in quick gasps.

He can't die here.

( _it would be better_ , his mind screams. _better to die now._ )

He very cheerfully tells his mind to shut up. 

Headlights flash, and he stumbles towards a staircase, tugging his soaked hood over his hair in hopes that it'll hide the tell-tale silver.

His eyes might give him away, but if they're close enough to see he has _silver fucking eyes_ , then he really deserves to get caught. 

He doesn't-

he doesn't know where to go, so he just starts walking. 

(he's so cold. so, so cold.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that sure happened
> 
> who do you wanna see next chapter? i have outlines for everyone, so just lmk :D
> 
> chapter title from monsta x's all in


	37. blue lips, blue veins

The next time Taeseok asks for food at two in the morning, Kyunghun is going to leave him to starve.

It would have been _one thing_ had Taeseok simply asked like a normal human being, but _no_ , he had to burst into Kyunghun's room and _jump on top of him_ to wake him up, and for what?

Instant ramen.

Kyunghun is going to murder him, someday. Not today, but someday.

He indulges himself in those blissful fantasies as Youngjoon surveys the street, eyes wide in the way they usually are when he's enjoying a view. He's not surprised he would find this beautiful - the city lights are already coming back, and by the river looks almost exactly like it always has, which is nice, considering it's Youngjoon's favorite spot - but it's always nice to watch their most reticent member come out of his shell.

"I'm going to hide his body in the river," Kyunghun grouses, pulling his hood lower over his eyes. "I'm going to strangle him to death and laugh as he chokes."

"Hm," Youngjoon simply replies, and Kyunghun can hear Hyunjin scolding him already ( _"you can't corrupt him, hyung! he's the only nice one!"_ ) which, _shockingly_ , does _nothing_ to improve his bad mood.

Not for the first time, he wonders whether or not moving to Antarctica is worth it.

The riverside path is all but deserted at this time of night, the only other person a dripping, shambling wreck. He's probably drunk and tried to take a swim in the river.

God, does Kyunghun want to join him.

Youngjoon's gaze lingers on the man, and Kyunghun shakes his head, pulling him forwards. "No. Ramen, then sleep."

"He might be hurt," Youngjoon murmurs, and Kyunghun wants to scream.

"I do not _care_. I want to _get my food_ and _go to sleep_ , Youngjoon-ah. I want to _sleep_."

Youngjoon's gaze lands on him, and Kyunghun can tell this is a losing battle.

Fucking delightful.

"We'll just ask if he's okay," Kyunghun mutters, and Youngjoon grins - soft and vulnerable. 

"Thanks, Hunnie-yah."

Kyunghun bridges the space between them in a few quick steps, tapping the man's shoulder as he shoots a half-hearted glare at Youngjoon. "Are you okay?"

The man turns-

and _oh_ , Kyunghun knows that face.

Lee Minsoo stares at him, face pale and silver hair stuck to his forehead. 

"Joon-ah," Kyunghun hisses, leaning forwards to tap Minsoo's cheek. "Grab him."

"No," Minsoo whispers, taking a step back. "No. I can't- I can't-"

"You're our shit-for-brains leader's _brother_ ," Kyunghun stresses, "even if he's pissed at you. I don't want to tell him I left you out here alone."

Minsoo blinks at him, and Kyunghun can't help but notice the unnatural silver of his irises. "Hyung? No. He won't-"

"What happened to your arm?"

It's then that Kyunghun notices Minsoo's gripping his upper arm, nails digging into the dripping fabric of his hoodie. 

"Oh," Minsoo faintly replies, and Youngjoon catches him as his knees buckle. "Got shot."

"Who- _what_? Where's your manager?"

"Don't- don't call him," Minsoo all but begs, and Kyunghun frowns, slinging Minsoo's good arm over his shoulders. 

"Is there anyone I can call? Tall, dark, and scary, maybe?"

Out of all the answers he could've expected, Minsoo bursting into tears was not one of them.

"Hey, hey, hey," Kyunghun tries, wrapping his spare arm around Minsoo's waist. "What happened?"

Minsoo doesn't respond.

"Can you go back to your dorm?"

A small shake of the head.

"Fuck."

"Bring him back home."

"Wha- _are you crazy_?"

Youngjoon shakes his head, and Kyunghun can only watch, stunned silent, as he swoops Minsoo into his arms. "I'm not leaving him here."

"Of _course not_ , but we can't bring him to our _dorm_ -"

"Why not?"

" _Minsung-hyung_ ," Kyunghun hisses, and Youngjoon squares his jaw, a silent challenge in his stance.

...goddammit.

"Fine, just- if we get in the shit for this, I'm blaming you."

That's a lie, and they both know it.

* * *

By the time they return to the dorm, Minsoo's asleep, one ring-covered hand gripping Youngjoon's shirt as his lithe form trembles. Kyunghun opens the door for them, and Youngjoon carries Minsoo inside, brushing dripping locks of hair from his eyes.

"Ramen!" Taeseok cheers, bursting into the room in a flurry of blankets and plushies.

He stops short upon seeing the tiny figure curled in Youngjoon's arms, and a plushie falls out of his hands, hitting the floor with a soft "tmp".

"What happened? Is he okay? Who is he?"

The youngest scrambles across the room, brushing a few locks of damp hair out of Minsoo's eyes, and Kyunghun can see the exact moment it clicks. Taeseok raises his head, skin ghostly-pale, and he takes a step back, horror flashing in his eyes. "No."

" _Taeseok_ ," Kyunghun warns, but it's too late.

" _Minsung-hyung_!"

"Yah," someone grouses, and the trio wheels, gaze landing on a disgruntled Hyunjin. "What's going on here?"

"They brought _Minsung-hyung's brother home_ ," Taeseok whispers, and Hyunjin pales.

"No."

" _That's what I said_!"

"Listen," Kyunghun snaps, "when we found him, he was delirious and _bleeding_. He said he couldn't go back to his dorm, so we brought him here. Besides, Minsung-hyung would be a lot more upset if he died than he will be to see him here."

"But-"

"He's got a fever," Youngjoon states, and Hyunjin rakes a hand through his hair, self-preservation warring with his affection for their tallest member.

"...put him on the couch. Seokie, can you grab fever meds?"

"Wha- _he can't stay here_!" Taeseok protests, and Kyunghun shoots him a withering look. "I mean- Minsung-hyung is gonna kill us!"

"He's out tonight," Hyunjin states, and Taeseok squawks in protest.

"I thought you were on my side!"

Across the room, Youngjoon gently lowers Minsoo to the cushions, gaze landing on the ragged hole in his t-shirt. It looks like the bullet went through all the way, which is good, but there's an alarming amount of blood on the white fabric, which is _definitely_ bad.

He doesn't want to pull off his jacket - it's practically stuck to his arms - but he doesn't see any other way to properly wrap the wound, so the jacket it is.

"I'm sorry," Youngjoon whispers, grasping the sleeve and trying to ease it over Minsoo's wrist.

The second his arm twists, Minsoo screams, eyes flying open as every loose object in the room shoots towards Youngjoon's head. Kyunghun yanks Hyunjin to the ground as a plate flies through the air, and Taeseok simply stares, eyes wide with horror, as Youngjoon ducks, books colliding with the couch and plates shattering on the wall.

" _Stop_!" Taeseok shrieks, pressing his hands to his ears in an attempt to drown out the mayhem.

And in an instant, it does.

Everything falls to the floor, and Kyunghun winces as a few more plates meet their untimely demise. 

God, Minsung's gonna murder them.

"No," Minsoo gasps, a hand pressed to his chest as his wide-eyed gaze roams over the room. "Where- what-"

His gaze lands on Youngjoon, and he goes terrifyingly still, the only motion the quick rise and fall of his chest.

"That wasn't a dream."

It's not a question, but Youngjoon nods regardless.

"I have to- I have to go-"

As soon as Minsoo stands, his legs give out, and Youngjoon darts forwards, wrapping an arm around the elder's back. "Stay," he simply states, and Minsoo raises his head to stare at him, panic mingling with despair in his eyes.

"No, no, you don't- they got Dongho and Daehyun, they could-"

"Daehyun-ah?"

 _That_ seems to have gotten Youngjoon's attention. 

"What happened?"

"They- they took them," Minsoo continues, quick but halting as he tries to string words together. "They're gonna- gonna hurt them-"

"Take me there."

"Didn't you say he should stay and _not_ run off anywhere?" Kyunghun asks, and is ignored.

"I don't- I don't know _where_ they took them, I just..."

"It can wait," Kyunghun cuts in, darting between them in hopes of separating them. " _You_ are running a fever, and need to get your shoulder bandaged," a quick gesture in Minsoo's direction, "and _you_ , Youngjoonie, need to sleep, shower, and get your life together before we do _anything_."

"We don't have time-"

"Say that to me while you're standing unsupported."

Minsoo's gaze falls to the floor, and Kyunghun nods, sharp and quick. "Like I said. We'll talk again in the morning. Right now, everyone needs to sleep."

"Wah," Taeseok teases, "hyungie's taking control of the situation-"

"Someone has to have the braincells in this band," Kyunghun snaps, raking a hand through his hair. "Everyone, go to _sleep_ , or I _will_ call Minsung-hyung and tell him you guys hid his beanie again."

Hyunjin and Taeseok pale, the youngest nearly tripping over the couch in his haste to return to his room. Even Youngjoon looks a bit rattled - though why, Minsoo's not quite sure.

"I feel like there's a story there," Minsoo distantly murmurs, and Hyunjin nods, staring at the door like a demon might burst through it and murder him in his sleep. 

"Never again," he murmurs, slowly shaking his head. "Never again."

* * *

Minsoo's fever _soared_ overnight, and he's picked up a cough - the sort that wracks his frame and leaves him gasping for breath. Youngjoon's taken to being his nurse of sorts - a job he has plenty of experience with - and Kyunghun alternates between cooking the occasional dish and keeping Hyunjin and Taeseok in their rooms.

Nobody wants to think about what's going to happen when Minsung inevitably returns.

Around lunchtime, Minsoo lapses back into unconsciousness, and Youngjoon takes full advantage of that, placing an ice pack on his forehead and under his back. The gunshot wound in his shoulder is starting to look pretty bad - infection from river water being the most likely culprit - but Youngjoon doesn't want to risk pouring disinfectant on it for obvious reasons.

(the shards of their plates still litter the floor, despite kyunghun's impressively half-assed cleaning attempt.)

Around two, Kyunghun comes out of his room to sit on their other couch, flicking on the television before tossing the remote onto the table.

_"...searches continue for the other two members of MAYHEM, with many theorizing house searches will soon happen..."_

Youngjoon stares at the television, silent save for his soft breaths. 

_"...for those of you just joining us, the four members of idol group MAYHEM have been placed under arrest, with only two currently in custody. Members Ahn Jaewon, stage name Wyld, and Lee Minsoo are still at large, and should be considered armed and dangerous..."_

Kyunghun's gaze flits to the unconscious man on the couch, and his eyes narrow as he turns back to the screen.

Dangerous, yes, but why are they being arrested in the first place?

_"...both Kang Dongho, stage name D.Min, and Kim Daehyun resisted arrest, leading to the use of force..."_

Youngjoon sucks in a sharp breath as the newscaster is replaced with a video, and Kyunghun can see why. 

_A spike of ice shoots into the air, and the camera zooms in on Daehyun, his hand pressed to his bleeding thigh as he stumbles to his feet. He says something the camera can't quite pick up, and a gunshot rings through the air, causing the younger man to crumple._

_Close to twenty soldiers race into the area, three of them training their guns on his head, and Daehyun raises his head, horror shining in his eyes as a soldier cuffs his hands behind his back._

_He says something more, and a gun goes off, embedding itself in the ground next to his hand._

"What the fuck?" Hyunjin breathes, and Kyunghun doesn't bother scolding him.

_The soldiers force him to his feet, and Daehyun stares at something behind the camera - something that scares him._

_Water spurts from his hands, throwing the soldiers back, and he stumbles forwards, only managing to make it a few steps before another soldier tackles him, forcing him to the ground._

_There's water shooting freely from his hands, and Daehyun's struggling in the man's grasp, tears rolling down his cheeks as tendrils of water lash at anyone he can reach._

_"...monster..." the person behind the camera breathes, taking a step back._

The screen flickers to black, and Kyunghun turns, gaze landing on Youngjoon.

The tallest member grips the T.V. remote with shaking hands, expression dangerously empty as he stares at the black screen. Taeseok and Hyunjin are nowhere to be seen - they must've left already - and Kyunghun's darkly thankful for that.

"You and Daehyun-ah are friends, right?"

Youngjoon nods, and Kyunghun has the sudden and irrational feeling that his composure is holding on by a thread.

"...do we tell him?"

"...no," Youngjoon murmurs, chucking the remote onto the table. "I need to take a walk."

The door slams shut behind him, and Kyunghun's head falls into his hands, thoughts whirling.

_"What have we gotten involved in?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh i loved writing this one
> 
> i was originally gonna do one of the others first, but i felt like doing minsoo first would make the most sense
> 
> the order, i think:  
> minsoo  
> jaewon  
> dongho  
> daehyun
> 
> jaewon and dongho may swap places depending on my whims tho
> 
> we’re in the week of irregular updates!!! irregular until 3 august, sorry bout that
> 
> chapter title from blue lips by regina spektor


	38. i have something to tell you (i like you)

"Oh my god, he's _adorable_."

Jun's eye twitches as Jiho barrels past him, dropping to his knees by Jaewon's bed. "He's so _cute_! How could you hide someone this cute from me, Junnie-hyung?"

"I wasn't hiding him."

"Ji-Ji," Sungmin tries, lips curling into a soft smile as he pulls the overexcited man back. "You don't wanna wake him up, right?"

Taehyuk lingers by the door, hands in his pockets as he watches, and Sungmin smiles at him, gesturing for him to enter the room. "This is Wyld?"

"Yeah," Jun mutters, raking a hand through his hair. "You won't say anything, right?"

Taehyuk nods, and Sungmin smiles, pulling the younger man into his side. "We won't say anything."

"Fuck the police!" Jiho cheers, and Jun kicks him. 

Taehyuk seems oddly nervous - which, honestly, Jun sort of expected. He's not the best with new people (or, more aptly, forming new relationships - his dry wit and lack of filter make him the perfect barista, at least in jun's book) so meeting Jaewon was bound to be a bit awkward.

Still.

"What's this?"

Sungmin gestures to the coiled chain on the side table, and Jun sighs, gaze falling to his feet. 

"It's his necklace. It got bloody, so I'm gonna get it cleaned."

"His necklace?"

"It's special to him."

Jun doesn't elaborate, and Sungmin doesn't ask him to.

"So... he's gonna be working with us?"

Three heads turn to stare at Taehyuk, and he freezes, expression shifting into one of mild panic. "I mean- that might've been presumptuous, I just- I was kinda- I wanted to know, and, uh-"

"Probably," Jun cuts in, opting to throw a rope to Taehyuk before he digs his own grave. "Nari already loves him. You're gonna love him."

Based on Taehyuk's expression, he sorely doubts that. 

"Doesn't he sleep with everyone?" Jiho queries, perching on the back of Jun's chair like a social justice vulture.

(jun privately thinks he's the kind of vulture that feeds on the carrion of a dying career, but. he's too good of a barista to murder. which is actually a bit of a shame, honestly.)

"No," Jun simply replies, gesturing to the door. "Don't bring it up if you have a shift with him."

Sungmin (god fucking bless lee sungmin. never before has jun wanted to marry him as much as he does now) grasps Jiho's wrist and hauls him out of the room, shooting Jun an apologetic look as he goes. 

It boggles Jun's mind, sometimes.

How the fucking _fuck_ did someone as sweet as Lee Sungmin wind up dating the absolute human disaster that is Kim Jiho?

Well-

in his defense, there is Taehyuk.

Said Taehyuk lingers in the doorframe, looking like he's unsure whether to stay, leave, or jump out of the nearest window in hopes of impaling himself on a telephone pole.

Now, Jun's generally in favor of people impaling themselves on telephone poles, but, unfortunately, he needs Taehyuk alive. He has to be able to scare _someone_ into letting him swap shifts a few hours beforehand, after all.

(also, he's kinda cute, but. nobody ever needs to know that.)

"What's up?"

Taehyuk shivers - a full-body sort of thing Jun doubts any human can replicate - and his head snaps up, wide-eyed gaze meeting Jun's. "Um. The ceiling?"

"Calm down," Jun advises, though he's well aware it's a moot point. "I'm not gonna murder you."

"Please, tell that to my brain," Taehyuk babbles, and from the genuinely horrified expression on his face, he can't stop talking. "I don't think it quite got the memo. I mean. Yes. That is exactly what I wanted to say."

Honestly, Jun doesn't doubt Taehyuk could be the perfect boyfriend if he ever got over his terror of everything that moves. 

And yet-

"You ever see that therapist, kid?"

"I'm not a kid," Taehyuk replies on reflex, and his gaze falls to the floor. "And no."

"You chickened out of the appointment-"

"I did not _chicken out_. I made a _tactical retreat_."

"You chickened out."

"No!"

"Mhm."

Jun crosses the room and places a hand on top of Taehyuk's head, lips curled into a taunting smirk. "You still freaking out over your mystery man?"

Taehyuk seems entirely unable to form words at this particular moment, and Jun feels a strange sort of vindication. "You ever gonna tell me who he is?"

He knows _exactly_ who it is, of course. Between Jiho and Nari, nothing stays secret at _Coffee Temple_ for long.

And yet-

Taehyuk didn't seem to get that memo.

"Nope!" Taehyuk squeaks, sliding back so quickly Jun has to check and make sure his floor didn't spontaneously turn into an ice skating rink. "Not telling! It's- it's a secret!"

"...mhm."

There's a moment where they simply stare at each other, no words exchanged, and it's... nice. Oddly so, even.

"I should go," Taehyuk finally states, taking a step back. "See you- see you at work tomorrow?"

"Yep," Jun replies, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "See you then."

* * *

When Jaewon comes to, he's lying in an unfamiliar bed, clad in unfamiliar clothes, with something wrapped around his head.

With that in mind, it's not _really_ his fault that he nearly burns the building down.

"Calm _down_!"

As soon as Jaewon catches sight of Jun, the flames ebb, and he sags against the pillow, his headache returning. "Where... where am I?"

"You're at my apartment," Jun sighs, raking a hand through his hair. " _Don't burn down the room_."

"Ah..."

_Dongho shouting at them to run, Minsoo grabbing them and leaping out of the window, the wind whipping past, a sharp pain-_

_then nothing._

"Where... where are the others?"

Jun's expression shifts into something incomprehensible, and he stuffs his hands into his pockets, gaze shifting to the window. "Minsoo dropped you off and ran."

That...

Jaewon doesn't understand.

"Why?"

"He told me to take care of you."

It doesn't-

it doesn't make sense.

"Why...?"

Jun's lips purse into a thin line, his displeasure evident. "I don't know. But since you're here, you might as well make yourself useful."

"What?"

"You know how to work the machines," Jun simply replies. "You've got a shift later today."

Jaewon's sure his disbelief must show on his face, since Jun glares at him, though something Jaewon can't quite put a name to softens it. "You're gonna get to meet the people I unfortunately call my friends. Cheer up."

Jaewon's hand instinctually flies to his throat, and his eyes widen as his fingers brush bare skin. "Where- where's my necklace?"

"...it was covered in blood," Jun slowly replies. "I'm taking it to get it cleaned."

"I don't- I don't mind."

Jaewon's hand falls to his side, the limb twitching once in an aborted movement to grasp a nonexistent necklace. "I just- I really need it."

"It'll rust," Jun states, folding his arms over his chest. "It'll only be a day or two."

" _Please_ ," Jaewon all but begs, and Jun stares at him, eyes slowly widening as he takes in the elder's desperation.

"...I already gave it to my friend. He'll give it back tomorrow."

Jaewon slumps over, gaze falling to his hands. "...why would he just... leave me?"

"...I don't know, Jae-yah."

* * *

"Alright! Will that be all?"

The hair dye Jun gave him itches like _hell_ , but it's at least better than his distinctive red hair. Still- it's strange, seeing it in the mirror.

"Yes," the irritated woman snaps, waving her hand as if to brush Jaewon off. "And make it quick."

"Of course!"

Somehow, Jaewon can see why Jun hates the service industry. 

"You're doing great!" Sungmin smiles, and Jaewon smiles back, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. It comes back black, and he sighs, heading for the sink in the back room once more.

He has to stop doing this.

"Do you need me to take her order?" Sungmin calls, and Jaewon nods, scrubbing at his hands with the strongest soap they have. 

Honestly, he can see why Sungmin is the only one Jun speaks positively of.

 _"Sungmin's also working today,"_ Jun told him, _"so you won't be subjected to Taehyuk or Jiho until later. Trust me, that's a blessing."_

Sungmin _is_ a blessing. So far today, he's taken seven of Jaewon's orders, covered for him for nearly thirty cumulative minutes, and calmed down the most irate woman he's ever seen enough to get her order. In other words, he's the perfect barista.

Jun is too, Jaewon thinks, simply for the reason that he takes _nobody's_ shit.

As soon as he finishes scrubbing his hands, he sprints back to the counter, giving the people in line an awkward smile. "Sorry about that... what can I get you?"

"Ooh, you're _cute_!"

Jaewon gawps at the pink-haired man in front of him, nearly shrieking as a ring-covered hand pushes some hair out of his eyes. " _Adorable_. Where was Junnie-hyung hiding you?"

"A-Ah, I-"

" _Sung-Sung_!"

Sungmin pokes his head out of the back room, eyes lighting up upon seeing the person across the counter. "Ji-Ji! I thought you weren't coming in today!"

"Junnie-hyung told me he was working," the man (Ji-Ji?) grins, squishing Jaewon's cheeks with his palms. "Oh my god, I _love him_."

"Ah-"

"You can join me and Nari-noona the next time we go on a shopping trip! Junnie-hyung _never_ comes with!"

This must be Jiho, then.

"I come with," Sungmin smiles, and Jiho nods, leaning over the counter to press a kiss to his lips. "Aww-"

"Yah!" Nari calls, slamming her phone on the table. "What's rule number four?"

"Rule number four is _targeted_ _harassment_ ," Jiho whines, and Nari rolls her eyes.

"What is it?"

"No PDA," Sungmin replies, rubbing the back of his neck as a shy smile creeps onto his lips. "Sorry..."

"I'm not," Jiho huffs, and Nari rolls her eyes. 

"I know _you're_ not, but Sungminnie is actually _nice_."

"How did you two even get together?" Jaewon wonders, and Jiho's eyes light up before a hand clamps over his mouth.

"Rule twenty-six," Nari warns, and Jiho scowls.

"What are the rules?" Jaewon asks, and Nari snaps her fingers.

"Right! You don't know! We have some banned conversation topics and forbidden actions that we stuck on a list - those are the rules. Now that you really work here, you can add some too!"

"What... what are some of them?"

"No discussing plaid versus stripes-"

"Stripes are a _crime_ -"

"-gender norms-"

"-which are an antiquated and idiotic concept-"

"-the _Avatar_ live action movie, the second season of _Tokyo Ghoul_ , last year's Pride Parade-"

"-I don't see why you guys won't let me talk about that!"

"You talk about it for _hours_ ," Nari sighs, and Jiho frowns.

"It was a _transformative experience_ -"

"-and this is why we have the list. Now-"

Nari gestures to the two or three people behind Jiho, lips curling into a frown. "You're holding up the line, Jiho-yah."

"I _am_ the line," Jiho grins, and Nari whacks him with her book. " _Ow_!"

"Ji-Ji!" Sungmin squeaks, and Nari glares at him.

"Control your boyfriend!"

"I am a _strong, independent man_ -"

"I'll try," Sungmin smiles, and Jiho squawks, visibly offended.

" _Hey_ -"

Jaewon feels a little bit like he doesn't belong in this conversation, honestly.

It's an issue that's soon rectified by Nari dragging Jiho out of the store, one hand around his wrist and the other pressed to the small of his back. He keeps shooting pleading glances at Sungmin, only for Nari to whack him with her book, and it continues until the pair disappear from sight, leaving simply Jaewon and Sungmin in the store.

"That was Ji-Ji," Sungmin smiles, resting his elbows on the counter. "Isn't he cute?"

Cute is... one word that could be used.

"How did you two get together?" Jaewon asks, and Sungmin's smile turns a bit dreamy.

"It was actually Taehyukkie that set us up. I remember I came into work that day, and there was a cute boy sitting at the table with a short skirt, fishnets, and lipstick, reading a book on queer history. Ah... it was love at first sight..."

Sungmin laughs, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. "Ji-Ji told me I looked like a disaster - which I did. I was wearing these really baggy sweatpants, a stained t-shirt, and a torn-up jacket, and I remember thinking 'oh shit, he's gonna walk right out'. So I asked him if he would give me a second chance, and he smiled at me and said 'judging people based on appearances is so shallow', and I fell in love all over again. How did you meet your boyfriends?"

"The meeting wasn't... really romantic. I got to the company, and when I opened the practice room door, Minsoo was crouching on top of a cabinet, Daehyun was filming, and Dongho was sitting across the room, scrolling through cat photos on his phone. Minsoo jumped off the cabinet and landed on top of me, and, well... it wasn't a meet-cute."

Actually, Minsoo yelled at him for ruining the shot, so. That was fun.

"But when we actually got together..."

Jaewon laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. "That wasn't a meet-cute either. But I do remember the first time Minsoo kissed me."

"Oh?"

"Are you sure you want to hear?"

Sungmin hops on the counter, resting his chin on his hands. "Of course!"

"Well..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jiho steals the show gdi
> 
> writing sungmin is so fun tho he's just whipped babie and taehyuk is that panik meme as a human
> 
> this chapter went through THREE REWRITES. THREE. and yet it’s done and probably trash but idk here it is
> 
> the title is from a soft song at least. uwu song for an uwu chapter
> 
> chapter title from really really by winner


	39. and all i gave you is gone

When Dongho comes to, he's lying on an unfamiliar floor.

His hands are cuffed behind his back, and his feet are chained together, his shoes and socks nowhere to be seen. Other than that, he's still in his tattered clothes from earlier - which, thank god for small mercies? - but that doesn't do a great deal to _help_.

He raises his head, taking stock of the room. There's a wall of something that looks like glass - a moot point, since he can't reach it - but the other walls and floor are all made of metal, with his feet bolted to the ground. 

He tries to reach out with his abilities, but the sheer amount of _earth_ overwhelms him, and he shakes his head, trying to dispel the massive web that's invaded his mind. 

That effort didn't do much, unfortunately, save for a killer headache.

"You're awake!"

Dongho raises his head as the glass wall blazes to life, and a blond man appears on the screen.

He's clad in some sort of lab coat, bleached-blond hair falling around his face in waves. Circle glasses perch on the end of his nose, and there's a stud in one ear, glinting in the dim light.

All in all, he looks... shockingly normal.

(and also painfully like daehyun, but. daehyun's safe, so it's okay.)

"I was wondering how long you'd be out!" the man continues, resting his chin on his hands. "My name is Minkyu, but you can just call me sir."

Dongho squints at the man, bewildered. "Why would I do that?"

"Well..."

Minkyu holds up a piece of paper, and Dongho tries to make out the writing, but it's far too small and cramped for him to make sense of. "See this?"

"...no."

"Is it- is the magnification broken? Sungho! The magnification's broken again!"

Dongho stares at him, waiting as patiently as he can for the scientist to fumble with the projector. After what must be around ten minutes, the image stabilizes, and Minkyu takes a seat, placing the paper down on the table.

"Okay, so, bad news, we can't fix it. But in news-news, we technically own you now!"

Dongho fucking _stares_.

" _What_?"

"I mean, you didn't think you were in here for some sort of escape game, did you? You're smarter than that!"

Minkyu rests his chin on his hands once more, and Dongho stares, turning the phrase over and over in his mind.

"That's- that's _illegal_."

"Who's going to say anything?"

That-

 _fuck_.

"People will find out," Dongho states, and Minkyu hums, shaking his head. 

"No, no. Nobody's going to find out."

"You're a fool if you think this is going to go unnoticed-"

"Haven't you heard? You guys are terrorists."

" _What_?"

"You're the ones behind the massive event last month," Minkyu states, and Dongho stares at him, fear slowly creeping into his mind. "Hundreds of buildings were destroyed, and thousands have been plunged into poverty as a result."

"That- we didn't cause that-"

"We have video proof you were involved," Minkyu adds, and Dongho falls silent, completely unsure of what to say. "There's no way out of this. Oh, and in case you were thinking of trying anything..."

The camera turns, and Dongho's blood freezes in his veins at the sight that greets him.

Daehyun floats in the center of a water-filled room, eyes shut and hair swirling around him like some sort of mermaid. There's a mask over his nose and mouth, though Dongho knows he doesn't need it, and he's clad in a skin-tight bodysuit, rings still on his hands.

No.

No, no, _no_.

"Let him go!" Dongho shouts, straining against his bonds in an attempt to reach the screen. "You- _fucking let him go_!"

"Why?"

The camera pans back to Minkyu's face, and he looks... genuinely confused.

"Wouldn't you do the same thing to humans if they landed on your planet?"

What?

"Humans- _what_? I don't- we're _humans_!"

"Sure," Minkyu smiles, reaching for the camera. "I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Dongho's around ninety percent sure there's drugs in the food.

And yet-

what choice does he have?

He has to stay strong if he's going to escape, and that means he has to eat.

He doesn't know where Daehyun is, nor does he know where Minsoo and Jaewon are - but he can guess that they've escaped. If Minkyu wanted to keep him in line, he'd've shown all three of them.

At some point, he's dragged out of his cell and to an auxiliary room, where some scientists clamp a sort of collar around his neck. He's not really paying attention - not for a lack of trying, though - but he manages to catch something about electric shocks, so he doesn't think he wants to set it off.

Time loses all meaning soon enough, and he clings to whatever things he _knows_ are real - the memory of Minsoo's voice, Jaewon's smile, Daehyun's laugh - and treats everything else - the daily calls, the dead bodies in his cell, the buzzing of the collar around his neck - like hallucinations.

If they're trying to drive him insane, it's probably working.

And yet-

Minkyu seems obsessed with _subservience_.

This doesn't feel like _his_ issue, Dongho thinks, but more that of the military man - Donghyun? - since he's the one obsessed with order and the like. 

Then again, it doesn't really matter _whose_ issue it is, does it?

Dongho's pretty much fucked either way.

(he thinks he can confirm the humming in the collar is real - though he's not positive. there's enough doubt in his mind to warrant an escape attempt, at least.

for daehyun.

after all, they won't hurt daehyun if he's not there, right?

right?)

* * *

He fails.

He fails, and they drag him back to his cell dazed and bloody and _still in the same fucking clothes_ because he's not Daehyun, he's not _leverage_. 

He is a prisoner.

(and he's going to die down here.)

One of them wrenches his head back and forces him to stare at the screen, and he can only watch, helpless, as Daehyun convulses, electricity flowing freely through the water.

(his neck burns, and his head throbs, but nothing, _nothing_ could hurt worse than hearing daehyun's screams.)

For a moment, the younger's eyes slit open, and he catches sight of brilliant blue irises before they slide shut again, and _god_ , that hurts all the more, because at least for one moment, Daehyun was conscious.

Daehyun was conscious, and in immeasurable pain.

Because of Dongho. 

Or, more aptly, because of Dongho's _fucking_ hubris.

He doesn't even put up a token resistance when they drag him back to his cell, the image of Daehyun's barely-opened eyes imprinted on his eyelids. 

Daehyun's hurt.

Daehyun's hurt, and he could've prevented it.

Daehyun's hurt, and he all but _caused it_.

God, how fucking foolish was he to think that by escaping he could somehow save Daehyun? That he could- that he could come in like a knight in shining fucking armor and save his boyfriend from this hell?

Perhaps it's better Daehyun's unconscious. 

(dongho would never want him to see him like this.)

* * *

The next day, he's dragged out of his cell by a pair of burly soldiers.

He doesn't bother resisting.

Eventually, they deposit him in another room, one of them shoving him to his knees. 

(he supposes hoping they'll kill him is pointless. why would they do that?)

"So."

Boots click on the tile floor, and Dongho raises his head, peering at the man in front of him through greasy fringe. "This is one of the people that nearly doomed the world."

Dongho doesn't bother correcting him.

"I was surprised to see you yesterday," the man continues, and Dongho eyes him warily, unsure of where this is going. "Who'd've thought you still had so much fight in you?"

This feels like a rhetorical question, so Dongho doesn't answer.

"You could be very useful to us," the man grins, bending down in front of him. He's tall - well built, with messy dark hair and piercing brown eyes. Dongho eyes his outfit - he's in uniform, so clearly some kind of military - before the man grabs his chin, yanking his head up so their gazes meet.

" _Look at me when I'm talking to you_."

Dongho doesn't reply, as much as he may want to.

(it'd be one thing if they just hurt him for misbehavior - but they hurt _daehyun_. and if there's _anything_ he can do to protect daehyun, he's going to do it.)

He meets the man's gaze, and his grin grows, one hand reaching up to grip Dongho's greasy hair. 

"Get him clean. Then we'll start training."

* * *

It's a strange thing, not recognizing yourself.

Dongho stares into the mirror, gaze flitting over his reflection. His hair's longer than it ever has been - nearly brushing his collarbone - and his cheeks are hollow in a way he's never seen them. 

He looks sick.

(with his luck, he probably is.)

He reaches up to press his fingertips to the glass, gaze pinned on his eyes.

Pine green.

He's not _surprised_ , per se, but it is a bit shocking. 

He stares at his hands for a moment longer, taking in the chipped and tarnished rings that adorn his fingers. _That's_ the miracle, he supposes - being allowed to keep these things so precious to him. 

(they're paltry substitutions for the real thing, and he knows it.)

He pulls on the bodysuit they provided - a form-fitting thing in black, which really only serves to highlight how much weight he's lost - and stares at his reflection once more, taking in as much as he can.

The collar of the bodysuit hides the metal around his neck, and it covers most of his body, leaving only his head and hands exposed. He has boots and gloves as well, but for the most part, it looks like this is all he gets.

(he's not going to argue with it. arguing hurts daehyun.)

A part of him wonders what the others would think if they could see him now - skinny and collared like a dog - but he pushes the thought away.

It doesn't matter, anyways.

(after all, it's not like he's leaving here in anything other than a body bag.)

And yet-

there's a tiny, tiny seed of selfish hope in his chest. 

Hope that maybe they _will_ come. Hope that he _will_ see the others again.

God, though, is that hope selfish.

For that to happen, they'd have to put themselves in danger all over again, and that-

Dongho can't let that happen.

He has to be okay with this. 

(after all - hope is such a dangerous thing to have, and such a dangerous thing to lose. it's better if he doesn't.

he wishes he couldn't.

and yet-

hasn't he always been someone thriving on hope? hope that the others felt the same, hope that they would make it out okay, hope hope hope that tomorrow could be a little bit better than today?)

He presses his palm to the glass, head falling forwards so his forehead lands on the cool surface. 

He has to kill this hope here.

They're not _coming_. They're not _coming_ , and _he knows it_.

But-

there's a promise.

There's a promise that springs hope, a promise that they'd be together forever, a promise that _MAYHEM is four_ and _nobody gets left behind_.

The rings.

(and _oh_ , losing hope hurts, hurts like a stab to the heart, but _this is for daehyun_.

he would do anything for daehyun.)

Before he can stop himself, he wrenches the first ring off his finger, throwing it into the sink.

Minsoo's.

Then the second, still warm with the faint hint of flame.

Jaewon's.

Then the third, his own promise to them. 

His. 

And then-

Daehyun's. 

Lapis and gold clatters against the sink, four rings bright against the stained porcelain.

And Dongho-

turns on the faucet.

The rings swirl down the drain, disappearing one by one, and it's only when Dongho can no longer see gold that he lets himself cry.

(it'll be the last time. the last time he'll cry over them.)

But _god_ , it _aches_ \- a knife stabbed into his chest and _twisting_ \- and he falls to his knees, a sob tearing its way from his throat.

He doesn't cry much - never really has - but he doesn't think he'll ever experience something as painful as this- as his _hope dying_. And it-

it doesn't matter.

It can't matter.

It's for Daehyun.

He leans back, resting his head against the wall and staring down at his bare hands. 

Bare.

The rings are gone, never to return. And it-

It doesn't matter.

~~but it hurts it hurts it hurts so bad-~~

It _doesn't matter_.

(maybe if he says it enough, he'll believe it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE
> 
> HERE'S WHAT'S UP WITH DONGHO
> 
> PURE ANGST
> 
> oh but if you thought it couldn't get worse... well.
> 
> we’ll see.
> 
> chapter title from dynasty by miia


	40. anything to make you happy

Any time there's a car crash, Daehyun's always looked away.

He's not the kind of person drawn to destruction (not like minsoo and jaewon) nor is he the type to fight it (not like dongho). He's simply... an observer.

That makes this fitting, then.

His fingertips brush over the screens in front of him, jagged nails tracing the lines of Dongho's jaw. 

It's pointless, isn't it?

Dongho's driving himself to a pointless goal, and he's never going to know it.

Because the truth is-

it doesn't _stop_ anything.

It doesn't _stop_ the scalpels, doesn't stop the penlights and murmurs and _"oh it's so responsive"_ s. 

( _it_. like he isn't human. like he's just some- some _lab rat_.)

It doesn't stop them from pushing the limits on what he can heal.

It doesn't stop them from vivisection.

(he hates using that word. hates it. hates the idea that he's something to be _studied._

after all, if he defines himself using their boxes, they've already won.)

His hope burns in his chest - burns in a way they can't cut out. It burns hotter than the scalpels, hotter than the flames, hotter than anything he's ever known.

Because Minsoo's coming for him.

Minsoo- Minsoo's coming for him. He _knows_ he is.

(it's that he holds onto when they strap him down to the operating table, fluorescent lights imprinting on his eyelids as they drag the blade down _slow slow slow_. it's that he holds onto when they tell him _very calmly exactly what they are doing_ as if that makes it any better. 

it makes it worse.

they know it makes it worse.

it's that he holds onto when he sees dongho pick up the gun, when he sees his boyfriend - someone loving, someone kind, someone who _cares_ \- shoot someone through the skull.)

* * *

Daehyun's well aware that he's repressing things to hell.

In a strange way, though, it's nice. Compartmentalizing the trauma of _being vivisected as many times as they want_ and just... not processing it.

It's nice.

Not processing things is nice.

(daehyun personally prefers this. after all, the alternative is having to acknowledge what's happened - what _is happening_ \- and the sheer _despair_ that paints the canvas of the situation with swathes of black paint.)

A part of him wonders how he can come back from this - if there's _any_ way he can process this - and another part of him _doesn't care_.

It's safer not to care.

(god, would it be better if dongho didn't care. if he didn't care enough to throw away his _own life_ for daehyun's.

dongho may be fine with that, but daehyun isn't.)

His fingers ghost over the barely-healed wound in his gut, and he leans back, head thunking against the cold stone wall.

They're coming, aren't they?

( _why would they?_ the demon shouts, claws sowing seeds of doubt into his mind. _you told minsoo you would escape, and look where you are now._ )

They have to come.

Daehyun- Daehyun knows they'll come. That's what the rings are, after all. A _promise_.

And the others doesn't break promises.

(he decides to ignore the fact that dongho dumped his rings down the sink. decides to ignore the fact that he threw away that promise. _ignore ignore ignore it-_ )

* * *

"Where is he?"

Daehyun stares at the man, lips pursed and expression mulish. 

It's fucking hilarious, in a dark sort of way. It's fucking _hilarious_ that they think this can force him to give up the others' locations.

(he only knows one, really, but. that's one he'll take to his grave.)

The man bends down in front of him, and Daehyun studies him - messy dark hair, broad shoulders, piercing dark eyes - and for a single, painful moment, he reminds him of Dongho.

(but dongho would never do this. dongho would never- would _never do this_.)

"I'll give you one more chance," the man murmurs, voice disgustingly soothing. "Where are they?"

Daehyun spits in his face. 

The man reels back, eyes wide as his hand comes up to brush his nose. "Oh," he growls, the hand dropping to grasp Daehyun's fingers, "you're asking for it now."

He wrenches Daehyun's pinky to the side-

and Daehyun _screams_. 

Fuck, it _hurts_ \- flame racing through the offending digit - and he throws his head back, a howl escaping his lips. 

"Where are they?"

He doesn't reply.

"Wrong answer."

His ring finger, this time.

Daehyun strains against his bonds, unhurt fingers flexing and jagged nails digging into the wood of the chair. His gaze falls to his hands - fingers misshapen - and he can already feel the bone knitting itself back together.

Oh, god.

He can keep doing this forever, can't he?

"Where are they?" the man hisses, leaning in close enough for Daehyun to see his pores. 

He really should use moisturizer, Daehyun thinks.

"I didn't ask for your opinion."

A fresh wave of pain shoots through his hands as his middle finger snaps, and he screams, tortured and strangled and _pained_. 

A hand grasps his chin, yanking it up, and he tries to focus on the man in front of him through the black spots dancing in his vision. 

"I'm going to ask you again," the man growls, and Daehyun blinks, head lolling to the side. "Where are they?"

"...go to hell."

The man snaps his index finger, and the wave of darkness crashes over him.

* * *

"What is your game here, oh-four?"

Oh-four. As if Daehyun doesn't even have a _name_. 

"Game?" Daehyun asks, tilting his head to the side. "I don't have a game."

"What do you _want_ ," the man rephrases, and Daehyun stares at him, bewildered.

"I want to leave. I want to _go home_."

"Where is home?"

"My _dorm_. In _Seoul_."

"What planet are you from?"

"Earth."

"Why are you lying, oh-four?"

"My name is _Daehyun_."

"Fascinating," the man muses, scribbling something on his clipboard. "Would you prefer it if we referred to you as Daehyun?"

"Will you think of me as any less of an object to study?"

Instead of responding, the man shuffles his papers a few times, which really expresses the same sentiment as _no, but you don't have to put it like that_.

He withdraws another paper, staring at it for a moment before he speaks. "Do you have any other affiliated abilities?"

That is... _disgustingly_ poorly-worded.

"What?"

"Such as your healing," the man explains, placing the papers back on the table. "Oh-two's foresight."

" _What_?"

 _Foresight_?

Dongho _definitely_ would've mentioned that, Daehyun knows, and yet-

 _("_ _When I passed out in the van, I saw- I saw you both die. And I saw how it would happen.")_

maybe he didn't have to.

In hindsight - the perfect, mythical thing that never helps _shit_ \- they really should've guessed that.

(so really, this is on them. at least a little.)

"Oh-four?"

"No," Daehyun rasps, turning the information over and over in his mind.

_"I saw you both die."_

Is that inevitable?

(is dongho doomed to watch them die?)

"I mean..."

He tries for a charming smile, though it likely comes out weak, small, _afraid_.

Daehyun's always enjoyed being viewed as _cute_ , but this...

he wishes he could shield his emotions like Dongho and Jaewon. 

Because he _is_ afraid. He's fucking _terrified_. 

He's afraid of not seeing the others again, and afraid _of_ seeing them - because of what must've happened to push things to that point. He's afraid of Dongho staying here, but also of him leaving - the latter a mixture of selfish terror because _what happens to him then?_ and genuine fear for what they want him to do. He's afraid Jaewon bled out on the sidewalk, but also afraid he survived and is being hunted down. He's afraid Minsoo's alone, but also afraid that he's with someone, because _what if they turn him in_?

He's so fucking afraid he can _taste it_.

And yet-

as long as he's there, he can catch them, can't he?

He can heal them. He can make things better.

"...isn't healing enough?"

(that has to be enough.)

~~(there's no way it's enough.)~~

* * *

Occasionally, when there are no tests to run and no interrogations slash interviews to conduct, they put him back in the room.

They've only shocked him once - and he has the feeling they recorded it - so for the most part, it's peaceful. The water ebbs and flows around him, gentle currents brushing over his arms, and the liquid _sings_ , ecstasy laced in each movement.

_"Daehyun! Daehyun! You're hurt! Let us help you!"_

_"Daehyun! Daehyun! We're so glad you're back!"_

He tried to thank the water, once, but whatever part of it was conscious shied away from his gratitude.

_"No, no, no need for thanks. This makes us happy!"_

And, well-

it's nice.

For the most part, he dozes, letting the gentle currents push him to and fro. His dreams are sweet ones - filled with ideas of happier days, of dates never undertaken, of kisses he never had the chance to chase - and he doesn't doubt for an instant the water is the cause.

("can you really talk?" he once asked the water, and it laughed - or, well, its approximation of a laugh - and raced through his hair, sending blond strands billowing through the space. "or am i just losing my mind?"

 _"you're as sane as us!"_ the water assured him, and daehyun knew there was a paradox there, but he didn't mention it.)

Still-

it's nice.

It feels like _home_ in much the same way his boyfriends' embraces do. It feels like eggshell pancakes and late movie marathons and stories told in front of a handheld fire. 

It feels _safe_.

And nowhere else in this facility comes even _close_ to that.

("why are you helping me?" he once asked, and the water paused, then, everything going completely still.

 _"because we want to,"_ it finally replied, a hint of trepidation in its voice. _"why else would we?"_

somehow, daehyun felt like it was lying.)

The water's hiding something, he knows - or it could be some sort of bullshit conspiracy theory his mind is cooking up to rationalize his own insanity - but it's not something it'll tell him, which-

what could it have to hide?

* * *

"What do you want?" they ask him, the question dull and repetitive at this point in the song and dance.

Daehyun's requests have grown increasingly elaborate and impossible over the last few days - culminating in a request for a full parade - but in truth, there's only one thing he really wants.

"I want to see Dongho."

The questioner flinches - evidently not anticipating that - and Daehyun catches his gaze, trying to infuse his stare with all the commanding presence of Dongho and Minsoo. "Oh-four-"

"That's what I want."

There's a long, heavy moment of silence.

"...that could be arranged," the interviewer finally edges, and Daehyun smiles, saccharine-sweet and cloying.

"Really? That would just be _so nice_!"

He rests his chin on his hands and smiles at the man - well aware this probably looks ridiculous. His hair is too long, his eyes ghostly-pale and his cheeks sunken, and he's trying to pull off _aegyo_?

Minsoo would cry - both from laughter, and the destruction of their careers.

"Thank you, hyungie~"

Honestly, the man looks like he'd do it just to ensure Daehyun never calls him "hyungie" ever again, which, while not his strategy, works even better. 

When they usher him back to the room, he's smiling, the possibility of a meeting letting him float on air.

(of course, there's the dismal fact that they need to _arrange a meeting through someone else_ \- a meeting of prisoners in the prison yard. were dongho normal or minsoo here, this would rankle a great deal more, but as it is, it's just a depressing reality.

a depressing, lonely reality.)

Daehyun hopes this request goes through - if not for goodwill, then for his sanity. He's a social person - the most social of the group - and this complete social isolation is pushing him further than almost anything else.

(not as much as seeing dongho pressing a gun to someone's forehead and pulling the trigger, but-

that goes under the umbrella of things daehyun is not addressing.

it's foolish, really - as if not acknowledging it will wash the blood from dongho's hands.

as if not acknowledging it will make the ugly scars disappear from daehyun's chest.

it's foolish thinking, and he knows it.

but ignoring it is fine for now.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how i feel about this chapter haha
> 
> sorry it came up late, my wifi wasn't working last night. may not be a chapter today/tomorrow bc of that ^^;
> 
> fun fact: the song for this chapter is the song i chose for dongho's theme in this arc :') it should've gone on a dongho chapter ik but i figured it worked well enough here
> 
> ALSO THIS IS NOW THE LONGEST FIC I'VE EVER WRITTEN WHAT
> 
> chapter title from in the bedroom down the hall by rachel bay jones & jennifer laura thompson


	41. if i was dying on my knees, you would be the one to rescue me

As soon as Minsung opens the door, he knows something's wrong.

For starters, Taeseok isn't tackling him and screaming about something completely inane.

(god, he hates how taeseok not being annoying is cause for concern.)

Why did he join SA1NT again?

"Kyung-ah!" he calls, toeing off his shoes at the door. "Joon-ah! I'm back!"

There's no response. 

"Hyun-ah?" he ventures, dropping his bag near the door. "Seok-ah?"

Still silence.

"Where-"

" _Ssh_!"

Hyunjin's hand clamps over his mouth, and he shrieks, almost elbowing the shorter vocalist in the gut. As it is, he manages to catch the younger man's hip, and Hyunjin squawks, hands falling to his side as he takes a step back.

" _Hyung_!"

"Shut _up_!" Kyunghun cuts in, and Minsung blinks at the man leaning over the back of the couch. "Taeseok-ah and Youngjoon-ah _just_ fell asleep!"

"Why are they out here?"

Kyunghun and Hyunjin exchange looks, and Minsung groans, reaching up to push back his beanie.

" _Moon Kyunghun_. Tell me you did not let Youngjoon bring home _another kitten_."

"Well," Hyunjin edges, "it's not a _kitten_ -"

" _You stay out of this, Jung Hyunjin_."

"Look, hyung," Kyunghun states, rounding the couch to lean against the back. "You probably won't agree with our choice, but I'm standing by it."

"What did you do?" Minsung sighs, already running through his list of Previous Messes This Is Not.

(thank _god_ the two youngest didn't manage to hook up every device in the house to their phones and blast mayhem's debut track again. minsung was about ready to dropkick them out of the window for that one.)

"We rescued your brother."

" _What._ "

It's _stunning_ how quickly Minsung's good mood evaporates. 

"He's running a fever," Kyunghun continues, blatantly ignoring the fact that Minsung _really wants to strangle him_ , "and he somehow got _shot in the shoulder_."

"Why did you bring him _here_?"

"He doesn't have anywhere else to go."

" _That doesn't mean you should bring him here_!"

Kyunghun squares his jaw - and Minsung's reminded, once again, of how stubborn the dancer can be when he wants to. "You'd rather he die than have him be here?"

And that-

( _"i know i'm going to die, and i hope you'll come to my funeral."_ )

that hits a bit too close to home.

"I'm going to my room," Minsung growls, sliding around Kyunghun and heading for the stairs. "Don't wake me up."

As soon as his foot touches the first stair, a hacking cough rings through the air, and Minsung heads up a few more steps, determined to ignore the boys on the couch. 

And yet-

his gaze strays regardless.

All he can see of Minsoo is a mop of filthy silver hair, but the sight pulls at his long-dormant heartstrings regardless.

(he doesn't care.)

His younger brother's shoulders shake with heaving coughs, and Youngjoon rubs his back, rendered helpless as Minsoo hacks up bile.

( _he doesn't care._ )

Once the coughing fit subsides, Minsoo sags into Youngjoon's side, tears streaking down his cheeks as he trembles in the younger's grasp.

( ~~ _ **he doesn't care he doesn't care he doesn't care-**_~~ )

"Hy... ung...?"

( _"hyung?"_

_minsoo stared up at him - small, small, small and weak - and minsung stared down, lips curling into a toxic smile._

_"i don't want to go down there."_

_"it's okay," minsung assured him, and minsoo frowns, lurching forwards to grasp minsung's hand._

_"will you protect me?"_ )

Minsoo always was too weak.

Minsung slams the door behind him, letting the noise ring through the dorm as his gaze lands on his mirror.

Messy.

Weak.

 _Not good enough_.

He hurls his beanie to the ground, chucking his jacket on the floor as he crawls into bed. 

He can't do this right now.

(he hasn't been able to do it for years. why does he think this is going to be any different?)

* * *

( _things fester._

_minsung watches as minsoo's test scores plummet, watches as nineties turn to eighties turn to sixties. he watches as minsoo digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole, and the pressure for him to do better soars - for him to be the good son._

_he has to be the good son._

_minsoo can't._

_it boils boils boils as he watches minsoo indulge himself in childish fantasies, boils boils boils as he's pushed to work harder, work stronger, work better while minsoo goofs off and plays games._

_and then he hears minsoo's going to audition for an entertainment company._

_and minsung knows he can do better._

_this is his chance to show minsoo he needs to take things seriously. to show him that minsung is just as good as him, but unlike minsoo, he doesn't want to be a failure to his family._

_he gets in, and minsoo chickens out._

_it's at that moment that any lingering sympathy heats up into red-hot hatred._

_how fucking dare minsoo act like this is minsung's fault? how fucking dare minsoo act like him sabotaging himself is minsung's fault?_

_minsung becomes a trainee at xr entertainment, and his parents are so, so proud._

_and minsoo withdraws further._

_in a way, that only proves minsung's suspicions._

_if minsoo isn't willing to fight for this, then minsung shouldn't be expected to step aside._

_he finds out minsoo's with another group second-hand, and he nearly laughs. they're nothing special - a rich boy, a pretty face, and a guitar kid - and it's almost stunning how proud minsoo is of himself._

_minsoo's nothing special._

_minsung had to fight for where he is. fought hundreds upon hundreds of trainees for one of five slots, and worked hard - just like he's worked all his life._

_and like everything else in his life, minsoo got a free pass._

_nothing beyond that matters._ )

* * *

"Wha- _you shouldn't be moving_!"

Minsoo shoots a rather impressive death glare in Hyunjin's direction, one hand pressed to the wall as he stumbles forwards. "I can do... I can move."

Jesus _Christ_.

"Where are you even going?" Kyunghun cuts in, sliding in front of the elder and placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"Coffee shop," Minsoo mumbles, shaking his hair out of his eyes. "Gonna... gonna get m'self out of your hair."

How is he even _standing_?

Kyunghun's around ninety percent certain he's running on adrenaline _alone_. Jesus _Christ_.

"If you go anywhere, you'll die," he points out, and Minsoo's death glare turns _even more murderous_. How can it even _do that_?

Is this just a Lee thing?

It must be, right?

"I don't _care_."

Oh, boy. Another Lee Thing.

(kyunghun's going to make this a proper noun, honestly.)

Of _course_ Minsoo would be as foolishly workaholic as his brother. Why wouldn't he be?

(in fairness to minsung, though, he at least has the sense to stop when he's running a stupid degree fever.)

"If you're going, then you're not going alone," Kyunghun compromises, and Minsoo scowls. 

"Why are you helping me?"

Oh, boy. Weighted questions.

"You're Minsung's younger brother," Kyunghun replies, for a moment losing himself in distant memory. 

( _"hyung!"_ )

"And I know... I know that no matter how much my little brother and I fought... there's no way I'd want to see him dead."

Minsoo grins - a weak, wry sort of thing - and he shakes his head. "Not my hyung."

Jesus _fucking_ Christ, what is _up with this family_?

"Wait for a few minutes," Kyunghun states, placing a hand on Minsoo's shoulder. "I'll be back."

* * *

Minsung's roused by a furious beating on his door.

"What?" he snaps, jolting upright to blink at the contents of his room. 

"We need to talk."

Oh, _great_.

Minsung's running on twenty too few hours of sleep to have A Talk with Kyunghun - especially considering the last one - and from the sounds of it, Kyunghun doesn't want to talk either.

"Neither of us want to talk," Minsung huffs, ruffling his hair as he searches for sweatpants. "What if we just don't?"

"You know that's not how this works."

Goddamn Kyunghun and his more than two braincells.

"What about?" Minsung asks, and he somehow knows Kyunghun is rolling his eyes.

"Use your leader brain."

Minsung doesn't _want_ to use his leader brain. He _wants_ to go _back to sleep_.

"Nngh," Minsung mumbles, and Kyunghun punches his door once more. "What the _fuck_?"

"I'm mediating," Kyunghun states, and Minsung wants to scream.

"I don't _need_ mediation. I hate Minsoo, and Minsoo hates me. We're both okay with that."

"Kyungwon."

The simple name sends Minsung reeling, and he fumbles, trying to regain control of the situation.

"That- that's a completely different thing."

"How?"

Minsung falls silent, unwilling to respond.

"Name one way this is different - besides the time frame - and I'll walk away right now."

Fucking Moon Kyunghun. 

"That's what I thought."

The door cracks open, and Kyunghun enters - as put-together as he always is.

(despite himself, minsung snorts - because the universe _would_ flip that night back over on him, wouldn't it?)

"I want to help, hyung."

"I never asked."

Kyunghun gives him one of the driest looks he's ever seen and sits by the foot of the bed, one eye visible under his curtain of caramel hair. "I never asked for your help with Kyungwon, but you volunteered yourself anyways."

"Because I'm the _leader_ -"

"And Minsoo is your brother."

"I don't _care_ , Kyunghun."

"Why do you hate him, hyung?"

Minsung freezes, eyes going wide at the realization that _he never has told them, has he_?

"He has everything handed to him," he growls, wrapping his arms around his chest. "He's never had to fight for anything, so he's weak. Because of that, he's a coward who needs other people to do the fighting for him. He's a disappointment to my family and to _me_. What more reason do I need?"

Kyunghun's gaze darkens and falls to his feet, something unidentifiable thrashing in his eyes.

"...do you remember what you told me that first night?"

Minsung does, in fact, remember.

"You told me that, no matter what," Kyunghun repeats, "Kyungwon was still my brother. You told me that I should tell him what I found, because it would be better to have a brother who's alive and hates me than one who's dead. _You told me that_."

"Kyung-"

"Were you lying?"

Kyunghun stares at him, gaze burning with ill-concealed fury, and Minsung doesn't know what to say.

"Were you lying?" Kyunghun repeats, expression empty. "Or are you just too afraid to act on your own advice?"

Minsung-

doesn't know what to say.

"Think about it," Kyunghun advises, and Minsung can only stare, rendered speechless, as the door swings shut.

His gaze drifts, unbidden, to the white beanie on the floor, and for a moment, he loses himself in memory.

( ~~where did things go so wrong?~~ )

* * *

In the end, it's Youngjoon that takes Minsoo to the coffee shop.

Truth be told, it wasn't a difficult decision.

Minsoo's swaying like a leaf in the wind, face flushed and breathing all sorts of strained. Youngjoon's the only one who can reliably carry him - and also the only one with any real stake in this (excluding minsung, since he's very adamantly on the not caring side) - so it only makes sense to have them be the two to go.

When they arrive, Jun's the only one present, and when he sees Minsoo, his expression does this strange sort of flip - from careful nonchalance to guarded wariness.

(youngjoon notices that. most people don't think he does, but he does.)

Jun steps out of the shop, letting the door swing shut behind him, and Minsoo all but tackles him in his haste to grab the younger man's collar.

"Where's Jaewon?"

Jun can't meet his eyes. 

" _Where's Jaewon_?"

Minsoo's desperate, Youngjoon knows - so _horribly desperate_ for _any scrap of good news_ that a part of him doubts this can end well.

He's proven right when Jun doesn't raise his head.

" _Where is he_?" Minsoo all but screams, and Youngjoon decides against touching him upon seeing the fat tears rolling down his cheeks.

"...he didn't make it."

There's a long, painful, moment of silence.

"...you're lying."

Minsoo slams Jun into the glass with a scream, eyes wide and desperate and _all sorts of wrong_. "You're _lying_!"

Jun, to his credit, doesn't flinch.

"I'm sorry-"

" _You're fucking lying!_ "

Youngjoon wraps his arms around Minsoo's waist in an attempt to wrestle him back, but the elder man isn't having it. " _Where is he_?"

Jun slams his palm into Minsoo's chest, and he stumbles back, hand coming up to grasp whatever it was that Jun was holding.

"...no."

Minsoo's legs nearly give out, and it's only Youngjoon's arms around him that keep him from falling. "No, no, no- you have to have- he must've-"

Jun can't look at him.

" _He's not dead_!" Minsoo shrieks, raw and grieving and _broken_. "He can't be- _he's not dead_!"

"I'm sorry-"

" _Stop lying_!"

It takes all of Youngjoon's strength to wrestle Minsoo back - who by this point is _completely_ hysterical, tears streaming down his cheeks as he thrashes in Youngjoon's grasp. "You're _wrong_!"

"Minsoo-"

"I'm sorry," Jun repeats, and Minsoo _howls_ , a sound so horrible the only way Youngjoon can think to describe it is _decimated_. 

" _Say something different!_ "

"Minsoo."

Kyunghun tugs Youngjoon back, and he stares for a moment, only for his gaze to land on something he never thought he'd see.

Minsoo's sprawled across the ground, harsh sobs mingling with coughs, and _Minsung's_ crouching in front of him, rubbing his back in a way that's clearly meant to be soothing.

Youngjoon never thought he'd see the day.

" _No_ ," Minsoo sobs, a drawn-out, broken sound, and Minsung's gaze flits to Youngjoon, a silent request for explanation in his dark eyes.

There's going to be time enough for explanation later, Youngjoon decides, watching as Minsoo falls apart in front of him. Now-

now, Minsung has to put Minsoo back together, whether he wants to or not.

(they both know he's probably the only one that can.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kyunghun is an older brother i will take this to my gODDAMN GRAVE
> 
> also that scene... that last scene...
> 
> minsung's arrival was completely unexpected. like. i had this scene outlined (one of four for this arc) and he just popped in out of NOWHERE
> 
> congrats minsung. you get one [1] brother point. now you actually have to be a good person to keep this rolling.
> 
> on an unrelated note, writing that minsung section was oddly cathartic for me. weird.
> 
> chapter title from kodaline's brother


	42. run for love

Jun's been-

acting _off_.

Jaewon isn't exactly sure how to explain it other than that, honestly.

There's something oddly _dark_ in his eyes when he looks at Jaewon - something that wasn't there when they first started living together - and Jaewon has no clue what it is.

(he is lonely, though. without his necklace or his boyfriends... jun's nice company, but it's not the _same_.)

"Noona?" he asks, and Nari hums, attention not wavering from the coffeemaker for a moment. "Jun-ah's been acting weird."

"He's just like that," Nari replies, and Jaewon shakes his head, grimacing as a bit of dye drips onto his shirt.

"I mean- ever since his shift a few weeks ago, he's been acting _really off_. Y'know?"

"Nope," Nari hums, plunking the coffee cup on the table. "Bring this out to table nine, will you?"

Jaewon's hand strays, unbidden, to his collarbone, and he frowns upon realizing Jun still hasn't returned his necklace. 

Why?

(it seems like an odd thing for him to keep - especially considering how little meaning it has to the younger man.

maybe he lost it?

no, that seems out of character.)

"What're you thinking about?"

"Oh!" Jaewon nearly yelps, wheeling to stare at a gently smiling Sungmin. "When did you get here?"

"I'm always here," Sungmin teases, and Jaewon... can't argue with that, honestly. "What's wrong, Jaewon?"

(that's sungmin's _thing_. he's one of the youngest in the café, but since he never acts like it, nobody tells him off for not using honorifics - except nari. nari's weird like that.)

"Jun-ah's acting weird," Jaewon sighs, and Sungmin nods, leaning against the counter as his gaze flits to the menu.

"Taehyukkie's been out for a while... that's Taehyuk, by the way. I don't think you've met. He's been dealing with some personal stuff, and Junnie's stressed - but in that special Junnie way he has, y'know? Even if he doesn't act like it, he really cares."

"You know a lot about him," Jaewon breathes, and Sungmin smiles.

"I was the second person to start working here - after Junnie. He was the one to show me around, and I was the one there when he got his first tattoos."

"Oh-"

"You want to know if he cried, don't you?"

Jaewon shakes his head furiously, and Sungmin's smile turns a bit softer. 

"I tell everyone he didn't, but he shed one tear and then shouted something about fighting the needle. I don't remember it super well, 'cause we were both drunk, but... it was nice."

"Who... how long has everyone been working?"

"Junnie's been working for around two years," Sungmin hums, "and I applied around three months after him. Taehyukkie started a year and a half ago, and Jiho started last fall."

"Has-"

"Junnie and Taehyukkie have been flirting the entire time," Sungmin supplies, and Jaewon chokes on air. 

"Wha-"

Jun can _flirt_?

"I was gonna ask out Taehyukkie," Sungmin muses, "but Junnie sorta... I don't think intimidated me out of it is the right word, but... I cried."

"You cried?"

"Junnie basically interrogated me and wanted to know what my intentions were," Sungmin laughs, "and once I cried, he talked to Taehyukkie and set me up with Ji-Ji."

"So he..."

"He's really into Taehyukkie," Sungmin giggles, and Jaewon groans, head drooping to thunk against the counter. "Wha- what's wrong?"

"Minsoo was _right_ ," Jaewon laments, though his lips curl into a grin despite himself. "He said- he said Jun-ah was gay, and I didn't believe him-"

"Nobody with hair that styled is straight," someone quips, and Jaewon shrieks for the second time that day.

"Ah," he gasps, pressing a hand to his chest in an attempt to calm his racing heart, "you scared me..."

"Really?"

The boy hops on the counter, messy brown hair falling into his eyes as he tries for a grin (and falls flat). "I've been trying to figure out a way to sneak up on Jiho, but he's a _ninja_. Does he do judo or something like that?"

"No," Sungmin grins, leaning over to ruffle the boy's hair - succeeding even as he tries to bat his hand away. "Oh! Jaewon! This is Taehyukkie!"

"I'm Jaewon-"

" _I know_."

Jaewon freezes, hand half-extended, and Taehyuk looks a lot like he wants to crawl into a hole and die.

"Um, I just," the boy flails - literally, based on the way his hands move like he's just snorted five lines of cocaine - "know your group? Am a fan. Yes. That."

Oh, god.

He's _adorable_.

 _"Help,"_ Taehyuk's eyes scream, and Sungmin beams, tugging the smaller boy off the counter.

"Can you handle register? My shift ends in a few minutes."

"Sure," Taehyuk hums, and Sungmin's smile grows impossibly wider.

"Awesome! Thanks!"

Silence reigns supreme for a moment before Jaewon and Taehyuk realize they'll be manning the register together at the same exact time.

"No," Taehyuk whispers, casting furtive glances at Jaewon out of the corner of his eye. "I mean- oh god, I'm screwing this up, oh god, Rose was right, I should have never left my bed today, I should've just curled up in a dumpster and _died_ -"

"Taehyuk-ah," Jaewon tries, but Taehyuk's on a sad, miserable roll.

"-I can never leave my house _again_ , maybe I should just drown myself in the sink-"

"Taehyuk-ah," Jaewon repeats, grabbing Taehyuk's hands before he can crush one of his fingers in the cash register. "It's okay."

Taehyuk blinks at him, and, not for the first time, Jaewon notices just how _wide_ his eyes are. They're wide, dark, and almond-shaped - nice eyes, Jaewon thinks.

"What?"

Oh, dear god.

Jaewon absolutely just said that out loud.

Goodbye filter, t'was nice to know you.

"Well," Jaewon continues, trying to pretend like all his chances of being the cool hyung didn't just go down the drain, "now we've both embarrassed ourselves, so there's no reason to be awkward!"

That was just... exponentially worse.

"Yep!" Taehyuk squeaks, and Jaewon nods, practically able to _feel_ the awkwardness amplify. "No awkwardness!"

That conversation definitely does _not_ make it better, Jaewon reflects a couple hours later, but something else definitely does.

He's taking the order of a _very_ irritated woman - the kind of fifty-something that thinks they are the center of the universe and that everyone else exists solely to serve them - and he makes the cardinal sin of putting one pump too few of flavoring in it.

"This is _disgusting_!" the woman shrieks, and Jaewon doesn't move out of the way fast enough as she dumps the contents over his head.

Oh, god.

He can feel his cheeks heating up as the sheer embarrassment of the situation sinks in, and he blinks rapidly a few times, trying his best not to cry as the woman hurls profanities at him.

"What's going on?"

Jaewon's head whips around as Taehyuk shoves him back, the only part of the smaller barista visible his mop of caramel hair.

"He tried to _poison me_!" the woman howls - Karen, Jaewon decides, then promptly feels bad about it - and Taehyuk stares at her, bewildered.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No! I demand a new coffee!"

"I'm afraid we can't do that."

"Then I demand to speak to your manager!"

"Yes?"

The woman visibly calms upon seeing Nari emerge from the back room, and she gestures frantically at Jaewon - who really just wants to cry - and a nonplussed Taehyuk. "He tried to poison me!"

Nari's gaze flits to Jaewon, taking in his coffee-drenched shirt and dripping hair, and then slides back to the woman. "You dumped your coffee on his head?"

"It was disgusting," the woman huffs, and Nari hums, leaning forwards to rest her elbows on the counter.

"So you're willing to accept the liability suit for any burns you cause?"

"We make our coffee hot," Taehyuk adds, gesturing to the other customers in the store. "And we have plenty of witnesses to what you've done."

"Wha- are you _threatening me_?"

"I'm suggesting you leave," Taehyuk calmly replies, a genuinely unnerving smile on his lips. "Officially, I can't make you. I'm just suggesting."

Jaewon gawps at them, and Nari pushes his shoulder - a silent command to head for the back room. 

(he's honestly grateful. he knows the hair dye must be rolling down his face.)

* * *

"How was work?"

"Someone dumped coffee on my head, so Nari-noona let me leave early."

Jun hums, chewing contemplatively on a wad of gum as he types on his laptop. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, but..."

Jaewon doesn't want to ask. 

He really doesn't.

"Do you know when Minsoo's coming back?"

Goddammit.

Jun goes rigid at the question, and Jaewon blinks at him, thrown by the reaction. "Ah-"

"I don't think he's coming back."

What?

"What... what do you mean?" Jaewon laughs, taking a step forwards. "Of... of course he's coming back. There's no way he isn't."

Jun can't meet his gaze.

"Jun...?"

"I'm sorry," Jun murmurs, flipping the laptop shut. "It's- it's for the best."

"What... what did you do?"

"I had to," Jun states, and Jaewon stares at him, betrayal mingling with horror and confusion. 

"What- what did you _do_?"

"I told him you died."

For a moment, Jaewon forgets how to breathe.

_"Told him you died."_

_"You died."_

_"Wouldn't you, if everyone you loved was dead?"_

No.

No, no, _no_.

"I have to go," Jaewon stammers, gaze flitting to the door as he races through the space. "I have to- I have to go find him-"

"Jaewon-"

" _Don't touch me_!"

Jaewon yanks his arm from Jun's grasp, flames burning in his eyes as he stares at the younger man. "How _could you_?" he all but begs, voice broken and raw. " _How could you do this_?"

"Jaewon-"

"He could be dead!" Jaewon shouts, blinking away any tears that threaten to spill. "He could- he _could be dead_!"

"Please-"

"I need to go," Jaewon whispers, yanking on his jacket and stuffing his hands into the pockets. "I need- I need to go. I'll- I'll be back later. Probably. I don't- I don't know."

"Jae-"

" _Stop_."

Jaewon's voice cracks, and he ducks his head, trying to ignore the tears stinging his eyes. "Please, Jun. Just stop."

He does.

The door swings shut behind Jaewon, the thud ringing through the empty apartment, and Jun simply stares, trying to process what just happened.

* * *

It's dark out at night.

It's dark, and it's lonely, and it's _cold_.

Jaewon wraps his arms around his chest, shivering a bit despite himself. _Fuck,_ it's cold.

Hopefully Minsoo has someplace to go.

He must, right?

After all- he has friends. He's not a complete introvert like Jaewon.

(but could he stay with them?)

Jaewon doesn't dwell on it.

He pulls his hood over his head, brushing locks of black-red out of his eyes. It's unfortunate when the dye starts to drip - but that doesn't matter right now.

He has to find Minsoo.

He ducks down a side alley as the wind starts to pick up, and shivers as a gust he didn't _quite_ manage to avoid cuts through his hoodie.

 _God_ , it's cold.

He casts his gaze towards the sky, eyes fluttering shut as he exhales.

What is he even doing?

It's been _months_. If Minsoo's anywhere, he's not in Seoul.

(hopefully, he's safe. hopefully, he's warm and with someone who loves him.)

 _God_ , Jaewon wishes he could be with him right now. If nothing else - to provide a bit of warmth on these cold nights.

He summons a small ball of flame and lets it dance over him, the orb providing small flickers of warmth amid the freezing night. 

It's nice.

He missed this.

He's so wrapped up in his adoration of the flame that he nearly misses the gentle tug on his index finger - but he does notice it.

What?

His gaze falls to his hand - and it's not Minsoo's ring that's on his index finger.

It's Dongho's.

What?

A flicker of movement catches his eye, and he wheels, gaze landing on a dark figure standing at the entrance to the alley. 

"Dongho...?"

In response, the figure raises a gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I REALIZED I MAY HAVE SCARED EVERYONE WITH THE ENDING TO LAST CHAPTER SO SORRY ABT THAT HJHFDKJGH
> 
> aha,,, but this one isn't any better, is it,,, ahahaha,,,,,,,,,,,
> 
> this takes place around two months after yesterday's chapter, in case you missed that. tomorrow's chapter will likely have a large timeskip as well :)
> 
> uploading this chapter from the airport so sorry for the wait, pls point out typos <3
> 
> chapter title from run by exo-m


	43. the monsters running wild inside of me

"Dongho...?"

There's no room for hesitation.

He stares at the impostor, a dismal part of him wondering whether this one will bleed oil or blood.

They've been upping the ante, lately.

His shoulder still throbs from the last bout with a flamethrower ( _not jaewon never jaewon they're never jaewon_ ) and his ankle protests whenever he steps wrong (falling from great heights tends to do that, _thank you not minsoo_ ) but he has a job to do if he's going to see Daehyun again.

(he has a feeling that their meeting is some sort of empty promise meant to string him along, but if there's even a chance it's true, he has to take it.)

But _oh_ , this Jaewon looks so desperate, so pleading, and a part of Dongho darkly wonders how they managed to perfect the slight twist of his mouth, the glimmer in his eyes, the exact tone of his voice, and it _aches_.

Because as much as he wants this to be Jaewon, it isn't.

"Is that..."

Not-Jaewon trails off, for a moment looking _so painfully small_ in his fluffy coat, and Dongho's heart _aches_.

"Is that you?"

Why can't he pull the trigger?

He doesn't _understand_.

He's killed hundreds of Not-Jaewons and Not-Minsoos, so why-

why can't he pull the fucking trigger?

Not-Jaewon takes a step closer, and Dongho can see him more clearly now - hair dyed black, eyes shimmering with unshed tears - and the knife digging into his chest _twists_ , a fresh wave of grief and agony washing over him.

"Dongho?"

His gaze flits to the hollow of Not-Jaewon's throat, gaze landing on bare skin, and reality slams into him like a freight train. 

_Not real_.

Jaewon- 

Jaewon would _never_ let go of the necklace. Not _his Jaewon_.

The gun fires, and Not-Jaewon ducks, the bullet whizzing harmlessly over his head. His head jerks back up, and he stares at Dongho, fear mingling with betrayal in his eyes.

"What- what are you doing?"

Dongho pulls the trigger once more, and Not-Jaewon sidesteps the bullet - Dongho's aim is off - and reaches out, gaze _horribly pleading_ -

In one fluid motion, Dongho slides his gun back into his pocket and withdraws his knife, crossing the space between them in seconds and digging the blade into Not-Jaewon's gut.

"Ah..." Not-Jaewon gasps, reaching out to brush his fingertips over the sides of Dongho's helmet. "A-Ah..."

Dongho yanks out the knife, and Not-Jaewon falls to his knees, one shaking hand coming up to cover the hole in his gut. "Who..." he gasps, staring up at Dongho with wide, vulnerable eyes. "Wh..."

For some reason, Dongho doesn't finish him off.

Maybe it's because of those eyes. 

Maybe it's because he's going to die anyways.

(maybe it's because of that dark hair and that fluffy jacket, reminding him so painfully of the first day jaewon ever came to their practice room.)

He re-sheathes his knife, turning and striding out of the alleyway before he can do something he'll regret.

(it's not jaewon. he knows that.

so why does it hurt so much?)

* * *

Sometimes, he dreams of his death.

It's all fuzzy enough, and he never remembers it when he wakes, but-

he knows one thing as sure as day.

Daehyun stares at him, eyes wide and horrified as he clutches the collar of his jacket, and he screams his name, lunging for Dongho as if to change-

what?

(god, dongho misses daehyun.

he misses daehyun more than he ever thought possible.)

It does give him hope, though, in a strange, fucked-up way.

At least he'll die.

(though-

he doesn't want daehyun to have to see that.

then again, it's a bold assumption that daehyun doesn't want him dead.

dongho hopes not. he doesn't think he could handle that.)

Sometimes, he wishes he could remember more-

then decides against it.

Whatever Daehyun saw, it's not something that'll put Dongho at ease.

* * *

He's reprimanded for not completing the mission, as he expected, but in some sick way, his handler seems... amused, almost.

Why?

Amusement is never a good sign with these men, Dongho knows - especially when he doesn't understand why.

What do they find so hilarious?

"Your next failure will be punished," his handler states, and Dongho nods, already expecting that. "I don't suppose I need to remind you of the cost?"

Dongho shakes his head, the image of Daehyun convulsing in pain imprinted on his eyelids.

(he couldn't forget if he tried.)

"However..."

It sounds almost as if it pains the man to say it, and yet he continues on.

"As a reward for your... good behavior, you'll be meeting oh-four before his transfer."

Transfer?

Wait.

 _Oh-four_.

 _Daehyun_.

"It will be before training tomorrow," his handler continues, and Dongho hangs onto his every word like a drowning man would a life preserver. "We anticipate approximately twenty minutes."

That's enough.

Just the thought of Daehyun in his arms-

it's enough.

(it has to be.)

* * *

Dongho sits ramrod-straight in his seat, gaze pinned on the door as hundreds of scenarios race through his mind.

What if they're lying? What if this is another test? What if Dongho has to fight Daehyun?

(he doesn't think he can handle that, honestly. not daehyun, too.)

The door clicks open, and Dongho's eyes widen as a head of blond hair steps into the room.

 _Daehyun_.

Oh, god.

It's really him.

Daehyun's gaze lands on him, and his eyes fill with tears as he takes a step forwards. "Dongho?"

"Dae," Dongho whispers, barely able to believe his eyes.

Daehyun's lost a lot of weight, his cheeks hollow and clothes hanging off his emaciated form. His hair's grown - long enough to brush his shoulders - but when he smiles, it's the same smile Dongho remembers. 

God-

Daehyun's _really here_.

" _Dongho_ ," Daehyun sobs, and Dongho only has time to stand before Daehyun throws himself into his arms, skinny arms winding around his back as the younger presses his nose into Dongho's collarbone.

"Dae," Dongho breathes, one shaking hand coming to thread through Daehyun's dripping hair. "Dae, Dae, _Daehyun_ -"

Daehyun's legs give out, and Dongho lowers them to the ground, his free hand rubbing gentle circles into the blond's back. Daehyun isn't even saying words anymore - instead opting to dig his nails into Dongho's back, as if he's unsure whether or not he's real - and Dongho rearranges himself so he's almost entirely covering the youngest, fingers still coaxing knots from Daehyun's tangled hair.

"I missed you," he whispers, and Daehyun only sobs harder at that, tears seeping through the thin fabric of Dongho's bodysuit. "Hey, hey- it's okay. It's okay."

" _Why_?" Daehyun gasps, and Dongho stares at him, bewildered. "Why- why would you throw them away?"

Oh.

"How..."

 _How did you know?_ he wants to ask, but he knows that'll just waste time.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, and Daehyun shakes his head, tightening his grip on Dongho as if he'll disappear if he loosens it even slightly.

"Why?" he begs, and Dongho can't bear to tell him. "Why, 'Ho?"

"Hey," Dongho whispers, pulling back to cup Daehyun's face in his hands. "Hey, hey, Dae. Look at me."

Tear-filled eyes meet his, and Dongho tries for a smile, though he's well aware it falls flat. "It's gonna be okay, hmm? Minsoo and Jaewon are gonna find you."

"I'm not leaving you!" Daehyun protests, and Dongho shakes his head, leaning in to bump their foreheads together.

"I'll be okay, Dae. You know that."

"But-"

Dongho shuts him up with a kiss.

It's hard, he thinks - putting everything he's ever wanted to say in one action - but he tries his best.

 _"I wanted to grow old with you,"_ he doesn't say. _"I wanted to stand on so many more stages with you, wanted to see you smile so many more times, because I love you more than words can say."_

"You're nicer to kiss when you don't taste like instant coffee," he says instead, and Daehyun laughs, broken and wet.

"You too."

Dongho reaches up to cup Daehyun's cheek, brushing away the flowing tears with his thumb. "You'll be okay, Dae. I know you will."

"Stop talking like you're dying," Daehyun whispers, gripping Dongho's wrist as if that'll anchor him to this time. "Stop."

Dongho can hear footsteps echoing down the hall, and he smiles, trying to memorize Daehyun's face in this moment. 

The exact color of his eyes, the sound of his voice, the way he smiles-

"Tell them I love them," he murmurs, and he _knows_ Daehyun's going to see them again - knows it somewhere deep down.

Just like he knows he won't.

"What?"

As soon as the words leave his mouth, the door slams open, and soldiers flood into the room. 

"No!" Daehyun shrieks, lunging for Dongho as two soldiers yank him back. "No! No! Dongho!"

Dongho watches, powerless, as the soldiers haul Daehyun out of the room, and once the door slams shut, Dongho just feels-

empty.

He's never going to see Daehyun again, is he?

 _Transferred_ , they said - whatever the fuck that means. 

Dongho doesn't know.

Still-

he knows the only way he's going to leave is in a body bag.

A faint glimmer catches his eye, and he turns, gaze landing on a small golden ring.

Daehyun's ring.

_"I'm not leaving you!"_

Dongho shakes his head, dispelling the voice, and he picks up the ring, tilting it this way and that in an attempt to memorize it.

After a moment of thought, he slides it onto his ring finger, then tugs his gloves back on, making sure to hide it from sight.

It's Daehyun's promise to him.

He's not going to let that go.

* * *

The next time he pulls on the helmet, it's with the knowledge that he's going to die in it.

They give him a pistol, a rifle, and a knife, and set him loose on the streets with the instructions to find and kill a target.

And he does.

So they send him out again - a harder mission, this time.

He completes it.

He racks up mission after mission, burying morals and guilt and regret somewhere deep down in his chest, burying _Dongho_ somewhere he'll never be able to find him, because Dongho was someone with people who loved him and people who cared, and he - whoever he is - can't be that.

(and, well-

he wants to give them a reason to kill him.

he wants to die.)

Sometimes, in the darkest hours of the night, he'll pull off his helmet and gloves and stare at the thin strip of lapis-lazuli in the ring - up on the rooftops they once destroyed - and then at the night sky, losing himself in the memory of the Milky Way.

Would it be better if they had never fixed things?

Would it be better if it was the four of them alone in the world - the four of them against everything?

He doesn't know anymore, and on some level-

that scares him. 

(most of his darkened, shriveled heart doesn't feel fear, but-

part does, and that part-

that part is _so afraid_.)

* * *

He sees the black-haired Jaewon once more.

It's a routine hit - take down this person, working at this place - and it should've been like any other.

And yet-

he knows this place.

He knows that uniform.

( _he knows that face those eyes that smile he knows him that's jaewon why-_ )

Coffee Temple.

He checks his orders and grimaces - he has his target, but he'd rather not do it in the middle of a store.

(that's not the only reason why _that's not why it's because even now he can't stop his heart from leaping at the sight of not-jaewon-_ )

And yet-

he has orders.

(he has the blood of so many innocents on his hands that one more body makes no difference.

that's the truth. 

he's killed so many people whose names he doesn't even know that one more corpse makes not an ounce of difference.)

The man's sitting at a table, chatting with another, and he shifts slightly, squeezing one eye shut as he lines up the shot.

The other man at the table grins, leaning to the side-

and he pulls the trigger.

His target slumps over, blood leaking from a hole in his forehead, and the other man at the table screams, jolting to his feet and cradling the body in his arms.

It's lethal.

He's damn good at what he does, after all.

He checks his notes - hair color, age, weight - and nods, crossing the name off on the pad.

His job is done for today, then.

* * *

~~ **Lee Sungmin** ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually cried writing this chapter jsyk
> 
> like. actual tears were shed when i realized jaewon didn't have the necklace.
> 
> hngh PAIN
> 
> this is a sad chapter ok let me live
> 
> ...but not the saddest.
> 
> after all
> 
> [inevitabilis](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISGDAXsS8c8) exists
> 
> which also happens to be someone's theme
> 
> we'll see it soon enough
> 
> place your guesses :)
> 
> chapter title from alan walker's faded


	44. when you ran away and no one could feel your hurt

**_september_ **

Minsoo's incoherent for three days after they return from the coffee shop, and Minsung spends most of it avoiding him.

There are some things he doesn't want to think about, and his younger brother is one of them.

This, of course, doesn't exactly endear him to Kyunghun - but if Minsung ever cared what Kyunghun thought, he'd be a lot worse off.

Still.

It works fine for the first two days - Minsung avoids Minsoo, and Minsoo's too sick to seek him out - but it's on the third day that things change.

He makes it back to the dorms at nearly two in the morning, toeing his shoes off at the door as he rakes a hand through his hair. Practice was as hellish as ever, and the modelling gig he had ran late - a sure-fire way to land him in a bad mood.

"You're back."

Minsoo's hovering over the back of the couch - something that creeps Minsung out no matter how many times he sees it - and the elder jerks a nod, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he heads for the stairs.

"Can we talk?"

He doesn't _want_ to talk.

There's nothing _to talk about_.

(they both know there is. it hovers in the air, festering - minsung's refusal to care meeting minsoo's sheer desperation in a toxic conglomeration of unsaid feelings.)

"No," he simply replies, turning toward the stairs.

A hand grasps his wrist before he can take his first step.

"Hyung," Minsoo whispers, quiet and desperate and _pleading_. "Please."

 _"I want to know why,"_ he doesn't say - and doesn't have to. _"Please just tell me why."_

It's always been _that_ on Minsoo's end - one moment tearing his heart to shreds - and Minsung could laugh at how petty it is.

Minsoo has no idea.

Minsoo has _no idea_ what it's like to always be pushed to be better, _no idea_ what it's like to be pushed to breaking and then past that.

"You wanna know why?" Minsung hisses, wrenching his arm from Minsoo's grasp. "I'll tell you why."

He wheels, planting his hands on Minsoo's shoulders and shoving him into the wall. 

His younger brother is shorter than him - _much_ shorter - and a great deal weaker, so it's an easy position to hold. 

And yet-

Minsoo isn't fighting.

 _God_ , that just epitomizes their entire relationship, doesn't it? Minsung _pushes_ , and Minsoo takes it - takes it for reasons unknown - and bottles it up somewhere, ready to be released in a wave of vitriol and fury.

"You were _never good enough_ ," Minsung spits, trying to shove something (traitorous feelings) down in his chest. "You wanna know why I hate you? It's because I had to be _perfect_. I had to be the _perfect son_. It didn't _matter_ what I wanted to do, didn't _matter_ who I wanted to be, because I had to be good enough to compensate for a _fuck-up like you_!"

Minsoo doesn't respond.

"This is _exactly what I mean_!" Minsung roars, pulling Minsoo back before slamming him against the wall once more. "You're _pathetic_! You're _weak_ and _pathetic_ and need _everyone else_ to fix _your failures,_ because _you're too weak to do it yourself_!"

Minsoo raises his head, steely-silver meeting deep brown. "Are you done?"

It's not antagonistic, as Minsung would've expected. Rather- 

it's just _tired_.

Minsoo sounds so _achingly tired_ that Minsung's momentarily taken aback, and he releases his grip on Minsoo's shirt, a snake drained of its venom.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Minsoo whispers, and Minsung _knows_ there's baggage there, _knows_ Minsoo has things he wants to say but never could-

"The same reason you're keeping things from me," Minsung replies, and Minsoo flinches at that - the corpse of his secrecy laid bare to be examined. "You're _afraid_."

"But you know why I'm upset," Minsoo states, and he's _right_.

Minsung saw it - saw it festering in his younger brother with each test score, each conversation at dinner - but it's _so fucking naive_ for him to assume that he was the only one hurt by this.

"I just have one question for you, hyung."

Minsoo stares up at him, vulnerable and open and _aching_ , and he smiles - weak and hopeful. 

"Do you want to try?"

And that-

Minsung freezes, those few words piercing him to the core.

(he's supposed to be the older one - supposed to extend an olive branch - but if there ever was an olive tree in his heart, it's been burnt to cinders.)

He can see something in Minsoo's eyes - something desperate, something lonely - and the realization slams into him like a freight train.

 _Minsoo has no-one_.

He hasn't contacted their parents in years - and they'd be loathe to help him. His groupmates are either dead or missing. He doesn't have any friends.

Minsung is all he has.

(it's a paradox - the part of him that loves minsoo at war with the part of him that hates him. the part of him that wants to fix this at war with the part of him that knows it can't be.

and yet-

minsoo's reaching.

trying to bridge the deep, dark chasm they dug together in hopes of building something from nothing, and-

minsung doesn't know if he can reach back.

he's afraid. afraid of what's going to happen if he does.)

And in that moment-

he remembers a conversation from years ago.

_**february, two years ago** _

Kyunghun's been acting weird.

He's out at strange hours, and always talking to someone on the phone - even when he really shouldn't be. The other day, he ran out in a rainstorm without an umbrella, and came back home sopping wet and furious.

Minsung doesn't generally like to interfere with his members' personal lives, but this is getting ridiculous.

He knocks on the door of the room Kyunghun and Youngjoon share, and there's a moment of shuffling before Kyunghun pulls it open. 

He looks like hell, Minsung thinks - dark circles rimming his eyes and hair sticking up in odd places. It's strange - Kyunghun's never anything less than absolutely put together - so to see him so clearly stressed is a big red flag. 

"Can we talk?"

Kyunghun furrows his brow, opening his mouth to respond (refuse, likely) before Minsung pushes past him, shutting the door behind him and leaning against the wood.

"What are you doing?"

"What's going on, Kyunghun-ah?"

Kyunghun stares at him, wariness flashing in his eyes. "I'm not doing anything."

"That's not what I asked."

Kyunghun scowls, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Nothing's going on."

"You have a little brother, don't you?"

By the way Kyunghun freezes, Minsung knows he hit the nail on the head. 

"And an older sister," Minsung continues, leaning against the door and ignoring the way Kyunghun's hands shake. "An older sister, a younger brother, and a younger sister."

"What do you care?"

"Her name is Seonmi, isn't it?"

Kyunghun bites his lower lip, unwilling to respond.

"She's in America right now," Minsung continues, a part of him darkly wondering whether there's any way to make his point without sounding like a stalker. "For Uni, right? And Seonhwa is only ten, isn't she?"

Kyunghun's silence is answer enough.

"So you don't want to bother her," Minsung assumes, "and it's something too bad to tell your parents... so something with Kyungwon."

Kyunghun freezes, head jerking up and eyes widening. "How-"

"I have a little brother, too," Minsung smiles, relaxing his stance a bit.

(" _you remind me of him_ ," he doesn't say - they all know enough to know that wouldn't be a compliment.)

"What's going on, Kyunghun-ah?"

Kyunghun takes a step back, falling onto his bed as his gaze drops to his hands. "...you can't tell anyone," he whispers - desperation laced into his voice. "You can't- you _can't_. Please."

"Okay."

"I went home last month," Kyunghun states, slow and halting, "and I went into the room we used to share 'cause I was looking for a book. And I opened the dresser, and I saw- I saw _razors_ , hyung."

"Oh," is all Minsung says - because what else can he say?

"I don't- I don't know what to do," Kyunghun continues, staring down at his hands. "I don't know if talking to him is going to fix anything. I don't even know if he'll even talk to me. The only one he _could_ talk to was Seonmi-noona, and she's in America, and I know if I told her, she'd come, but then I'd feel bad and _Kyungwon-ah_ would feel bad, and she wouldn't say it but she'd be miserable, and my _parents_ would ship him off to some boarding school, which would make him worse, so I have to fix this, but I _don't know how_."

Minsung's almost positive those are the most words he's ever heard from Kyunghun - more than anything else _combined_.

"If I talk to him, he'll hate me," Kyunghun laments, eyes fluttering shut. "I don't... I don't know what to do."

"Would you rather have a brother who hates you, or a brother who's dead?"

The sheer _bluntness_ of his words stuns Kyunghun into silence, and Minsung crouches in front of him, trying to give him a comforting smile.

"Things aren't going to get better if you don't try," he murmurs, and Kyunghun stares at him, something shimmering in his dark eyes. "Isn't it better to shoot your shot and regret it than not try at all?"

_**september** _

"I... I want to try."

Minsoo smiles, relief mingling with grief. "Thank you."

_**october** _

Progress isn't linear.

It's an omnipresent game of push-and-pull - push too far or hold too much back, and someone gets hurt - but they're slowly bridging the gap. 

Minsung likes to think that the _real_ progress comes the first time he and Minsoo sit down to play a game.

He hasn't played this game in _years_ \- and Minsoo seems to be fairly rusty as well - but at the end, Minsoo _crushes him_.

It's not even _close_.

"How...?" Minsung gasps, watching as Minsoo's character does a victory dance on the screen. "How did you-"

Minsoo grins impishly, resting his chin on his hand. "Practice."

"But-"

 _It was Mario Kart_ , he almost says, then thinks better of it.

"G-G," he acquiesces, and Minsoo beams, chucking his controller to the side as he scrambles for Minsung's laptop. "Wha- what're you doing?"

"Fireboy and Watergirl!" Minsoo exclaims, and Minsung grins - an old memory rising to the surface.

"You wanna be Watergirl, huh?"

"She has nice hair," Minsoo mutters, and Minsung nudges his shoulder, a teasing glint in his eyes.

"Of course she does."

"Hey! Don't diss Watergirl!"

For the most part, though, Minsoo spends his days roaming the city - apparently looking for something. When Minsung asks, Minsoo simply gives him a sad smile and tells him _"I'm looking for the others."_

(minsoo's deep in denial about jaewon, minsung thinks. he refuses to accept that the redhead is dead - something about there being no body?

it's a little sad.)

Still-

Minsoo's pushing himself _hard_ \- harder than Minsung ever expected he could. It's equal parts saddening and impressive - his devotion is strong, but the fact remains that he's likely searching for a corpse. 

It's a point of contention between them - to the surprise of absolutely nobody. Minsoo _refuses to believe_ that Jaewon's dead, _refuses to believe_ that there's no way for him to save Dongho and Daehyun despite that being a very real possibility.

(those fights are the messiest. always are.)

_**november** _

When Minsung returns from practice, there's a simple note on the table.

_"Found Daehyun. Going after him._

_I'm sorry._

_-Minsoo."_

**_february_ **

Minsoo stuffs his hands into his pockets, exhaling slowly. 

Who would've thought he'd end up here?

New York City towers over him, bright lights beating down on him, and though he knows he should find some place to sleep for the night, he can't rest.

Daehyun's here.

He knows it - knows it in the same bone-deep way he knows Jaewon's alive. 

Daehyun's in this city.

He knows he looks a mess - there's dried blood on his cheek from a run-in with Black Mask (one he barely escaped with his life), his bomber jacket is in shreds, his hair's grown to the point where he has to tie it back with a rubber band, and he's skinny from months of stealing food where he can.

Whoever said the U.S. was an easy country to sneak into was lying.

All the same- he's here.

He's here, and _Daehyun's_ here, and it's all going to be okay.

His breath clouds in front of him, and his lips quirk into a half-smile - though he doesn't relax even a bit.

(nearly losing an arm to an infected bullet wound tends to do that to a person. letting his guard down could get him killed, so he doesn't.)

He's always liked the cold.

Even after months of riding on train roofs, months of sleeping wherever he can and staying as far south as he can so as not to freeze in the night-

he still likes the cold.

(it's not as nice as being warm, but it has its charms nonetheless.)

He heads for Times Square, rubbing his golden ring absently (it's calming in much the same way dongho's is - the latter always making him feel safe whenever black mask launches one of his frequent attacks - seriously, does that guy not have anything better to do?) and smiling a bit as it heats up under his touch. 

He may look like he just crawled out of a dumpster, but at least he still has memory to keep him warm.

He passes an alleyway-

and his ring _blazes_.

He nearly shrieks, barely managing to rein in his initial shock before someone stares at him a bit too long (he's not as recognizable as he was, but having to run from the police three times is three times too many) and figures out who he is.

There's something in the alley.

He ducks through the crowd, hand flying to the necklace dangling from his neck. 

He's going to give it back to Jaewon, someday.

(jaewon's not dead. he can't be. jaewon's _not dead not dead not dead-_ )

there's someone lying on the ground.

Minsoo can barely make out their features in the moonlight, but whoever they are, they're covered in blood. 

And still his ring _blazes_ , the gem almost yanking him forwards in a bid to reach the unconscious figure.

The closer Minsoo draws, the more he can see. They're clad in nothing but boxers and the shredded remains of a bodysuit - dangerous, especially with how cold it is - and brilliant gold hair covers their face, bright even in the faint light.

"Hey," Minsoo murmurs, reaching over to nudge the man's shoulder. "Are you... are you okay?"

One hand reaches up to cup Minsoo's cheek, and he stiffens at the feeling of warm metal touching his cheek.

Oh, god.

"Minsoo," Daehyun whispers, peering up at him with one eye half-open. Then again, whispered like a prayer- _"Minsoo."_

"Daehyun," Minsoo breathes, reaching up to grasp the younger man's hand. "Oh god, Daehyun-"

Daehyun laughs, a little wet, a little hysterical. "Minsoo," he repeats, voice curling around his name like it's something beautiful. " _Minsoo_."

Minsoo lurches forwards, wrapping his arms around Daehyun's bare torso and dragging him into his arms. Daehyun makes a small noise of protest, but Minsoo shushes him, pressing his nose into the younger's blood-caked hair and rocking him back and forth.

"You're okay," he breathes, and Daehyun laughs, reaching up to wind one arm around Minsoo's neck. 

"M-More or... or less."

He's shivering, Minsoo realizes - and then, at the same moment, realizes he doesn't really have anywhere to take him.

He places Daehyun back on the ground (trying to pretend like the younger man's small gasp as his back hits the pavement is a sign of everything being perfectly fine) and shucks off his jacket, wrapping the torn and tattered fabric around Daehyun's shoulders.

"You kept it," Daehyun whispers, and Minsoo nods, gathering his boyfriend in his arms once more.

"Are you hurt?"

"Just... just a little."

They can't go far, Minsoo knows. Not with how hurt Daehyun is (because if he knows anything, _just a little_ really means _a whole lot_ ).

"...how do you feel about an attic?"

"Renegade _chic_ ," Daehyun quips, and Minsoo nearly laughs before deciding against it.

Whether Daehyun likes it or not... they don't have much of a choice.

"You're healing?" he asks, and Daehyun nods, reaching up to grasp a fistful of Minsoo's shirt.

"You're jumping."

It isn't a question.

"I've gotten better," Minsoo pouts, and Daehyun giggles - a sound so full of light and air that Minsoo smiles despite himself (then wonders when the last time he smiled was, because surely it must've been months ago). "I've been practicing!"

"I haven't," Daehyun frowns, and Minsoo adjusts his grip on Daehyun before leaping into the air. "Holy _shit_!"

It feels... a lot like a gentle breeze, actually.

Minsoo's clearly been practicing.

They land on the rooftops, and Minsoo takes off, leaping from roof to roof with practiced ease. It isn't jostling at all - and if Daehyun closed his eyes, he'd just feel like he was flying.

"Hopefully we can find someplace before Black Mask finds us," Minsoo mutters, and Daehyun blinks at him, eyes wide as he tries to process Minsoo's words.

"Black Mask?"

"Some guy in a black helmet who has nothing better to do than try and kill me," Minsoo states, and Daehyun frowns, trying to remember where he's seen that before.

He digs for a moment, rifling through his cloudy memories, and comes up short.

"I feel like... that feels familiar, somehow," he helplessly states, and Minsoo shrugs.

"It's a small world - though I hope not. I don't know if he's working with the police or despite them, but either way, he's not someone I'll back down from."

That... 

sounds dangerous.

Daehyun sneezes, and Minsoo frowns, dropping to a crouch. "You okay?"

"Just cold," Daehyun mumbles, curling into Minsoo's chest. "Really cold."

"It's gonna be okay," Minsoo whispers, reaching up to push matted golden locks off Daehyun's forehead. "You're okay."

(even when applied to himself, for once, it isn't a lie.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hngh this relationship is... complicated
> 
> it's different than canon for a few reasons - one being the fact that i haven't read enough to know ^^; - but another reason is that in this au, minsoo was a very poor student due to being unable to focus on most things and staying out late at night, which led to more pressure being placed on minsung to do well.
> 
> idk how i feel abt this chapter haha it's 3k words but i feel like i need to spend more lee bros time which IS COMING worry not things are not hunky dory bc minsoo's still got issues and minsung's still got issues and they DON'T TALK EVER but it's gonna be okay
> 
> that was rambling i'm sorry hjkfghkfdj
> 
> bc it's long i didn't proofread, pls lmk abt typos :)
> 
> next chapter: daehyun!!! daehyun pov!!! how did he get in a random alley in nyc??? you'll ny-see
> 
> chapter title from ghost of you by 5 seconds of summer


	45. i cry "why can't i just be loved" to no one

In his nightmares, Daehyun's back there.

The metal slab is cold, the scalpels are cold, the knives and swords and guns are _so fucking cold_ and he misses Dongho and Minsoo and Jaewon _painfully_ , enough that it's an omnipresent ache in his chest, but he has to push forwards, has to make it out, _has to find them_ before-

before they do something he can't heal from.

He dislocates his shoulders to slip out of his binds, and limps through the facility, blood seeping lazily from the day's incisions that haven't yet healed. The air is cold, the floor is cold, _everything is so cold_.

Eventually, he manages to find a door that leads... somewhere. It sets off an alarm, red lights flashing as sirens blare, and Daehyun pushes himself harder, further, until he can't take it anymore.

And then-

warmth.

 _Minsoo_.

Whether or not his dreams make it that far determines whether or not it's a nightmare. The worst nights, he never makes it out, and a dark figure with hazy edges raises a gun to his temple and pulls the trigger.

The best nights-

on the best nights, he'd rather not wake up.

Minsoo carries him home and washes the blood from his hair, and Jaewon curls around him, a space heater that leaves Daehyun feeling _oh so warm_. Dongho comes in with blankets and cocoa, and the four of them sit in the living room, a movie playing in the background as Daehyun's wrapped in warmth.

"Dae?"

Daehyun blinks wearily at the ceiling, rafters criss-crossing his vision and wind blowing in through thin cracks in the roof. Minsoo sits by his side, perched on a thin beam, and Daehyun tries for a smile, though, really, he's _so cold_.

"You feeling any better?"

"Cold," Daehyun mumbles, tongue heavy in his mouth.

(dongho held him, desperate in the way he gripped his sleeve-)

"Can you move?"

He can see the war in Minsoo's eyes - he doesn't _want_ to move him, but he knows he has to.

"Think so," Daehyun gasps, and Minsoo tries for a grin, though it falls flat.

"'kay. I managed to steal some clothes for you, if it helps."

He places a bag on the ground, and Daehyun peers inside it - a tight t-shirt, jeans, and a long winter coat.

Interesting choice.

"There're socks and shoes in the bottom," Minsoo states, and Daehyun doesn't bother asking why Minsoo doesn't have a backpack. 

(after all, they don't exactly have the best track record with carrying cases like backpacks.)

The incisions on Daehyun's chest _scream_ as Minsoo helps him pull on the clothes, though within fifteen minutes, Daehyun's feeling a lot warmer.

So it _was_ worth it.

"Where are we?" Daehyun rasps, and Minsoo stares at him for a moment, absently pushing a lock of matted blond hair out of his eyes.

"New York," he simply replies, and Daehyun gawps at him.

_New York?_

"How- _how did you get here_?"

"Rode a plane," Minsoo states, and somehow, Daehyun feels like Minsoo wasn't _in_ the plane.

"...you didn't."

"Yeah," Minsoo quips, "I guess it's a good thing Dongho wasn't there."

Something flashes across his face at the mention of the elder's name, and he turns his attention to Daehyun, desperation flashing in his eyes. "Have you seen him?"

Daehyun screws his eyes shut, trying to rifle through his foggy memories and pull out anything helpful.

"Once," he finally replies, dredging up faded memories of their meeting. "He... he hugged me, and..."

There was more.

"I feel like I saw him more," Daehyun mumbles, reaching up to rake a hand through his hair, "but I don't- I don't-"

His hand comes up to brush his head, and he grimaces upon feeling a jagged scar at his temple.

"I don't _remember_ ," he helplessly states, and Minsoo reaches over to rub his back, eyes shining with sympathy (not pity - minsoo doesn't do pity).

"It's okay," he murmurs, and Daehyun wants to _scream_ because _no it's fucking not_.

"But-"

Minsoo's hand flies to cover Daehyun's mouth, gaze flitting to the thin strip of sky visible through one of the cracks in the roof. "Ssh," he whispers, and Daehyun stares at him, eyes wide. 

"Wha-"

A gunshot rings through the air, and Minsoo curses, throwing up a wind barrier as he hoists Daehyun into his arms. "He found us," he hisses, and Daehyun stares at him, wrapping his arms around Minsoo's neck for support.

"Who?"

" _Black Mask_ ," Minsoo spits, leaping through a hole in the roof.

The city air is freezing, and Daehyun shivers despite himself, curling into Minsoo's chest in hopes of finding a snippet of warmth. It's to no avail, as when they reach the next roof, Minsoo deposits Daehyun on the ground, pushing his hair out of his face as he stares down the apparent Black Mask.

The man's skinny - bordering on emaciated - and the black helmet over his head makes his features impossible to see. Gloves cover his hands, and a bodysuit covers every inch of skin, rendering it impossible for Daehyun to see even a bit of skin.

And yet-

Daehyun feels like he knows this man.

"Black Mask!" Minsoo calls, and the man tilts his head, taking a step closer to the edge of his roof. "You better not touch Daehyun, or I'll break your neck!"

Black Mask shifts, then - helmet angling slightly in Daehyun's direction - and Minsoo growls, withdrawing what looks to be a _switchblade_ from his pocket.

"Don't _fucking touch him_."

There's no warning before Black Mask leaps.

One moment, he's standing on the other roof, and the next, he's on top of Minsoo, a knife in his hand.

Minsoo uses his momentum to throw him back, leaping into a flip and landing on his feet. Black Mask catches himself on the roof, gloves skidding on the concrete, and Minsoo leaps forwards, driving his boot into the man's helmet.

Black Mask grasps his ankle and throws him to the side with an obscene amount of force, and Minsoo flops across the roof, nearly flying off before he grasps the edge. 

" _Minsoo_!" Daehyun shrieks, scrambling across the space before a gloved hand grabs his hood. It yanks him back, into a pair of strong arms, and something cold presses against his neck - a knife.

"Don't move."

Daehyun freezes, the modulated voice striking fear deep into his heart.

_He's going to die here._

" _Daehyun_!" Minsoo screams, and Black Mask takes a step back, yanking Daehyun back with him.

"Not another step," the man growls, and Minsoo stares at them, horror reflecting in his silver eyes. "Or else I'll slit his throat."

"Who are you?" Daehyun gasps, voice trembling a bit at the end, and the helmet angles towards him - though it's impossible to tell what the man's really looking at. "What do you want?"

"I want to protect the people I love."

"That's what..."

Daehyun reaches up to grasp the blade of the knife, gaze landing on his rings. "I want that, too."

Black Mask freezes, and Daehyun's not sure what that means, but that _can't_ be good, right?

A moment later, Black Mask shoves Daehyun forwards, and he stumbles forwards a few steps, wheeling to stare at the shadowy man-

but he's gone.

"Oh, god," Minsoo whispers, and Daehyun turns, only to find himself with two armfuls of boyfriend. "Oh god, oh god, _Dae_ , I thought- I thought he was gonna _kill you_ -"

"I don't know why he didn't," Daehyun helplessly states, and Minsoo shakes his head, yanking a pair of gloves from his pocket.

"Your hands are _freezing_ , Dae- you need to wear these-"

"He stopped when he saw my rings," Daehyun murmurs, a possibility slowly coming to mind. "What if... could that be-"

"No," Minsoo cuts in, eyes flashing with ill-concealed fury. "That's _not him_."

"But-"

" _That's not him_."

"It _could be_ -"

"Do you really think _Dongho_ could do that?"

( _if pushed far enough_ , daehyun doesn't say. _if manipulated the right way, he'd do anything._ )

And yet-

 _something's_ teetering on the edge, here - something Daehyun can't quite put a name to - but Minsoo _needs_ this validation - needs it like he needs air.

"No," he lies, the word burning his tongue. "No."

* * *

It's quiet in _Coffee Temple_.

Jiho sits slumped-over in a chair, bubblegum hair eclipsing bloodshot eyes. Taehyuk stands between Jaewon and Jun, hands trembling, and Nari sits on the counter, expression dull.

Jaewon doesn't think he can forget it.

Even now, looking towards the seat-

he can't erase the image from his mind.

Blood pooling around Sungmin's head, crimson liquid clumping his dark hair, Jiho frantically shaking him, begging him to wake up-

"It's not fair."

It's Jiho that says it - voice a low rasp as he raises his head. 

"Why was it him?"

He turns to stare at Jaewon, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.

"It should've been you," he whispers, voice replete with heartbreak. "It should've been you."

"Jiho-"

" _Sungmin died because of you_!"

Jiho jolts to his feet, and Jun strides across the floor to press a warning hand to his chest. "Calm down-"

" _Sungmin is dead_!" Jiho shrieks, mascara smearing around his eyes in a horrific mockery of beauty. "My _boyfriend is dead because of you_!"

"Jiho, that's enough!"

Nari grasps his wrist, hauling him back, and Jiho thrashes in her grip, tears spilling freely down his cheeks.

" _It should've been you_!" he wails, black-tinted tears dripping off his jaw. "It- it should've been _you_ , or _me_ , or-"

He cuts himself off, a broken sob tearing its way from his throat, and he slumps to the ground, in every way a marionette with its strings cut.

"Why wasn't it me?" he whispers to the silent room. "Why- why wasn't it me?"

 _God_ , Jaewon understands all too well.

(he's asked himself that too many times to count, after all.)

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, and Jiho raises his head, dark-ringed eyes meeting Jaewon's. "I'm so- so sorry, Jiho-yah."

Jiho sniffles - small and pathetic - and reaches up to scrub his eyes, smearing mascara over the sleeves of his (sungmin's) hoodie. "I just want him back," he whispers, voice small and _broken_. "I just... I just want him back..."

"I know," Jaewon murmurs, bridging the gap between them and pulling Jiho into his arms. "I know, Ji-yah."

He catches Jun's gaze - the taller man staring at him with narrowed eyes - and smiles, albeit weakly.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, reaching up to press a hand to the back of the distraught man's head. "I'm so sorry."

* * *

Rings.

He stares down at his bare hands - devoid of any accouterments save for the strip of gold around his ring finger - and he leans back, head thunking against the wall of the helicoptor.

That Daehyun wore the rings.

Not to mention-

He's _never_ fought a Daehyun before. 

He's fought many Minsoos and Jaewons, but never-

 _never_ a Daehyun.

( _could that have really been daehyun?_ a part of him wonders. _could that have really been his daehyun?_ )

Then that Minsoo-

He inhales, letting his head fall between his knees.

Oh, god, he's going to be sick.

But it's not as if there's anything he can do, is there? He can't take off the helmet himself, and he can't tell them who he is without getting shocked to death, and if he dies, they'll just send someone _worse_ to deal with Daehyun and Minsoo.

He has to draw this out.

Draw this out and _pretend_ to fight them without actually hurting them.

That has to work.

(he's so sick of the blood on his hands, of the drying crimson under his fingernails, of the hundreds of names that swirl around his mind, haunting his nightmares-)

What would his parents say if they could see him now?

 _"Be cutthroat,"_ his father always said, and he nearly laughs at that - _would_ , if it wouldn't shock him.

Raised to be a business assassin and turned into a real one.

Isn't that just the best kind of poetic irony?

(they'd be ashamed, he knows - ashamed of the people he's killed, ashamed of the marks in his ledger, afraid of the red staining his hands.

he's not a kang, nor is he dongho.

so then-

who is he, outside of that?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 100k!!!! holy SHIT
> 
> i have no ideas
> 
> whoops
> 
> i'll answer your questions, i guess? drop your questions in the comments, and i'll answer any you have!!
> 
> as usual, unbeta'd chapter, so please lmk abt any typos <3!
> 
> chapter title from tokyo teddy bear by neru and ikasan


	46. to be young and in love in new york city

When Daehyun stirs, he's wrapped in something warm.

 _Minsoo_ , he distantly realizes, shifting a bit to take a more comfortable position. _It's Minsoo that's holding him_.

It still seems surreal - being in Minsoo's arms - and he sighs, relaxing into Minsoo's grip.

(there's still something more- something more he's forgetting.

something _important_.)

His gaze falls to his gloved hands, and he sighs, leaning in to press his nose to Minsoo's collarbone.

 _God_ , he's tired.

"Mornin'," Minsoo murmurs, and Daehyun's lips curl into a grin at the sound of his voice. "Sleep well?"

"On a rafter," Daehyun quips, and Minsoo beams, leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. 

"Y'know... we're in New York today."

"I always wanted to go to New York," Daehyun muses, and Minsoo nods, reaching up to thread a hand through his hair. 

"We're heading out tomorrow, but today... do you wanna go sightseeing?"

Daehyun nods so quickly Minsoo's shocked he doesn't get whiplash, and the elder grins, propping himself up on an elbow.

"Alright. Where d'ya wanna go?"

" _Everywhere_."

* * *

"Come here often?"

Daehyun bursts into peals of laughter as Minsoo sweeps a lock of hair in front of his eyes, hopping up on the wall next to Daehyun. "Because if I may say so, I'd _love_ to take you out to eat-"

"I know something you want to eat," Daehyun winks, and Minsoo squawks, eyes flashing with mock-offense.

"So _forwards_ with a man you've just met! What's your name?"

"Kim Hyundae," Daehyun grins, and Minsoo stares at him for a moment, bewildered.

"Isn't that a car company?"

" _Yah_! It's _my name_!"

"Sure," Minsoo grins, raising his hands in mock-surrender. "My name is Lee Soomin, and I would love it if you'd let me take you to eat."

"You and what money?" Daehyun laughs, hopping up to walk on the wall. "You're _broke_ , Soomin-ssi."

"How do you know that?"

Minsoo hops up behind him and onto his back, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. "I'm rich with _love_."

"Love doesn't pay the bills," Daehyun states in his best impression of Dongho, and Minsoo laughs, momentarily thrown off guard.

"Was that Dongho?"

"You could tell?"

"You could have a future as an impressionist," Minsoo teases, hooking his arms around Daehyun's neck. "I'd pay for your services."

"Aw, thanks!"

"Any time. Now- what d'ya say we use some of the money I stole to get some genuine NYC street food?"

"I never thought pickpocketing would be how you use your magic," Daehyun muses, and Minsoo rolls his eyes. 

"Oh, c'mon! I am a _great_ pickpocket!"

"That's not something to be proud of," Daehyun giggles, and Minsoo pouts, hooking his chin over Daehyun's shoulder. 

"Now _you_ have to pay for the street food."

"Wha-"

* * *

"I could fly us to a better view than this."

"But it's _the_ NYC view!" Daehyun protests, throwing his arms out as if to encapsulate the entire room. "You _have_ to go up in the Statue of Liberty!"

"Mhm," Minsoo grumbles, sounding unconvinced.

"C' _mon_ , you know you like it."

"I've got a better view right here," Minsoo grins, wrapping an arm around Daehyun's back and pulling him close. "My own view..."

"Oh my god," Daehyun mumbles, trying to fight the blush crawling up his cheeks. "You're so _cheesy_."

"Aww, you love me."

"Almost as much as I love this view," Daehyun teases, and Minsoo frowns, glaring daggers at the skyline.

"...it's not _that_ special."

"So I guess I can't get you to go up the Empire State Building?"

" _God_ , no."

"So where do _you_ want to go?"

"Would you believe me if I said I wanted to take you on a date?"

Daehyun wraps his arms around Minsoo's waist, resting his chin on the smaller man's head. "Maybe."

"...you're too noodley," Minsoo grumbles, leaning into Daehyun's chest. "All _noodley_ and stuff... _hngh_."

"You're just sore 'cause you're so tiny," Daehyun teases, and Minsoo's lips purse into a pout.

"I'm not _that_ tiny!"

"I think it's cute!"

"You're the cute one!"

* * *

"Don't look now," Minsoo whispers, tugging on Daehyun's sleeve, "but I think we're being followed."

Daehyun almost immediately wheels before Minsoo pinches his arm, gaze fixed firmly on an undefined point in the distance. "Not by Black Mask."

"...by who?"

"Fangirls."

Daehyun nearly chokes.

"You're- you're serious?"

Minsoo nods gravely, and Daehyun nearly bursts out laughing.

 _Fangirls_. God, it's been so long since he's heard that.

"Oppa!" someone calls, and Minsoo's eyebrow twitches as he turns, a genial smile plastered on his lips.

 _"Nice to meet you,"_ he states in accented English, and okay, maybe Daehyun's heart skips a beat.

(he likes guys who can communicate. sue him.)

 _"Oh my god,"_ one of the girls hisses, elbowing the other one. _"It's really him!"_

 _"I know!"_ the second one squeaks, and Daehyun reels on instinct as a smartphone is shoved in his face. _"Where have you been? MAYNIACS want to know!"_

 _"I... no speak English well,"_ Minsoo smiles, and it's that charming, dopey grin that Daehyun really wants to kiss. _"A little slower, please?"_

Daehyun has no idea what they're saying, but they don't object to him holding Minsoo's hand, so he doesn't complain.

 _"Where did you go?"_ the first girl asks, and Minsoo winks, leaning into Daehyun's side.

_"With my boyfriends."_

Daehyun's not exactly sure what he said, but both girls look like they're about to have aneurysms, and it's something that isn't helped when Minsoo jumps up to place a quick kiss to Daehyun's cheek.

 _"Mine,"_ he smiles, dragging Daehyun away, and they make it all of ten yards before Minsoo collapses into hysterical laughter.

"You speak English?" Daehyun asks, and Minsoo wheezes, all but sobbing into his chest.

"Oh- oh my god- CEO-nim is going to kill me-"

"What did you say?"

"I said you were my boyfriend," Minsoo gasps, laughter tinting his voice. "I said you were _mine_."

"You're mine, then," Daehyun grins, and Minsoo leans into his chest, hiding his face in the fabric of Daehyun's tee.

"...love you, Dae."

"I love you too."

* * *

"This coffee isn't as good as _Coffee Temple_ ," Daehyun notes, and Minsoo waves a hand.

"Well - that was at least half ambiance, you gotta admit. We never did solve the burning question, though-"

He leans across the table, staring at Daehyun with steely determination in his eyes.

"Does Jun gay?"

Daehyun can't help it - he bursts out laughing.

"Oh my _god_ ," he gasps, head thunking against the table. "Does- _does Jun gay_? You couldn't- you couldn't have worded it _any better_?"

"I thought it worked," Minsoo frowns, and Daehyun howls, wrapping his arms around his stomach.

"Oh my god, oh my _god_ \- _does Jun gay_ \- I can't- _pfft_ -"

"But _does he_?" Minsoo asks, sounding Very Serious, and Daehyun's head thunks against the table as a fresh wave of laughter escapes his mouth. 

"Shouldn't- shouldn't we- shouldn't we be trying to- to find Jaewon and Dongho?"

"Yeah," Minsoo states, voice dropping into something serious for a moment, " _but does Jun gay_?"

And they're back.

"I don't know," Daehyun wheezes, "does Jun gay?"

"See, that's what I'm _wondering_ -"

Minsoo frowns, fishing something out of the collar of his shirt, and Daehyun's eyes widen upon seeing what it is.

_Jaewon's necklace._

"He told me Jaewon was dead," Minsoo states, reaching up to grip the charms with his free hand, "but I don't believe him."

Somehow, Daehyun doesn't believe it either.

"So we just have to go find him," Minsoo continues, slamming his fist into his hand. "Then we can go track down Dongho."

"Sounds good," Daehyun grins, resting his chin on his hand. "...can we wear masks?"

"What?"

"Like, the masks they always wear in superhero movies," Daehyun clarifies. "The masquerade-looking thingies."

"...I can probably rob a costume store."

"Leave money!"

"I'll be robbing _someone_ -"

"Better people than stores!"

Minsoo stares at him, bewildered, and Daehyun shrugs.

"What? It makes sense!"

* * *

"...I'd love to come back here someday," Daehyun murmurs, and Minsoo stares up at him, leaning into his side.

( _with jaewon and dongho,_ he hears.)

"Me too," the elder murmurs, wrapping his arm around Daehyun's. "...I wonder... can you get a tattoo?"

"What kind of question is _that_?" Daehyun squeaks, and Minsoo shrugs, hopping up on the stone wall and sticking out his arms for balance.

"I'm kinda curious."

"Wha- I don't want a tattoo!"

"Carpe diem?" Minsoo hums, and Daehyun frowns, folding his arms over his chest.

"I'm not getting a tattoo, Soo."

" _Sunshine_ ," Minsoo whines, and though Daehyun's heart leaps at the pet-name, he knows he has to hold firm.

"No tattoos, Soo."

"What if I got one?"

"Do you _want_ one?"

"What was that one movie? The one with the bird tattoos?"

"Oh!" Daehyun exclaims, snapping his fingers. "I know the one! The one with the birds for her family!"

"Yeah!" Minsoo enthuses, leaping in the air out of excitement. "What if I did that?"

"...I'm not getting them too."

"Yeah," Minsoo frowns, "but what if _I_ got them?"

Minsoo seems happy, Daehyun notes - like a burden he's been carrying for forever was just taken off his back.

"Go ahead," Daehyun grins, interlacing his hands behind his back. "I won't stop you."

* * *

"It _hurts_ -"

"We're on a _train_ ," Daehyun points out, and Minsoo frowns, hand coming up to rub the bandage on his collarbone.

"But _still_ -"

"Emphasis on the _on_ ," Daehyun adds, and Minsoo shoots him a glare with no venom.

"...can't you heal it?"

"Is that how this works?"

"I dunno," Minsoo shrugs, winking impishly at him. "Is it?"

"I'm not testing this on you, Soo."

"Really?"

"Do you want the nice pretty lines, or weird lumpy things?"

"Lines," Minsoo sulks, and Daehyun reaches over to pat his shoulder.

"...why are we on top of a train, again?"

"Something something wind," Minsoo hums, and Daehyun scrutinizes him for a moment, eyes narrowed.

"...you like the idea of riding on a train-"

"Of _course_ I like the idea of riding on a train!"

Minsoo stands, throwing his arms out wide, and Daehyun grins at him - his boyfriend's face dimly lit by stars. "It's so _free_!"

"Don't overwork yourself," Daehyun chastises, tugging him back down. "You've still gotta fly over the Pacific-"

" _Ugh_ ," Minsoo groans, draping himself over Daehyun. "I slept for _three days_ the last time I did that. _Don't remind me_."

"Should I be flattered?"

"Sunshine, if there's ever a day I stop flattering you," Minsoo states, "then someone's dead."

"Yah," Daehyun scolds, "don't joke like that!"

"Wha- it's the _truth_!"

"That's even worse!"

Daehyun wiggles around until Minsoo's lying on the chest, the both of them staring up at the stars, and he sighs, draping one arm over Minsoo's waist.

"...we're going to find them, right?"

"Of course!" Minsoo grins, though Daehyun can hear the slight hesitation coloring his voice. "Of course we're gonna find them! 'Cause... 'cause I won't stop till I do."

"I know that voice," Daehyun frowns, reaching up to poke Minsoo's cheek. "We got this! We're MAYHEM!"

"Yeah," Minsoo murmurs, gaze flying back to the stars. "We're MAYHEM."

There's something about staring at the majesty of the universe, he thinks, that redirects his attention to what's really important. And for him, that's the boy with his arm around his waist and his chin brushing the crown of Minsoo's head, eyes reflecting the starlight. For him, that's the boy with the bright crimson hair and a smile that could melt snow in a moment. For him, that's the boy with the dark hair and sparing smiles, the boy who keeps his heart locked tight but gives the world to anyone who has the key. 

(god, he misses them. he misses jaewon's smile and dongho's reassuring glances, misses the person who feeds off his causal insanity and the person who keeps him grounded. daehyun's here, yes, but it's not the _same_ , not _enough_ in the most important way.

mayhem is four, and in this case, four minus two equals zero.)

But, most importantly...

"...I beat my brother in Mario Kart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2k WORDS EXACTLY HELL YEA
> 
> the three songs for this chapter are paradise by eric nam, egotistic by mamamoo, and jaehyun's cover of i like me better. that's it that's all i listened to.
> 
> a nice soft chapter for an interlude/100k special (though i have plans for an actual thing to do, worry not)
> 
> i love these boys can you tell
> 
> ~~also minsoo doesn't actually care about mario kart more than his boyfriends it's a joke please don't kill me~~
> 
> chapter title from i like me better by lauv


	47. things are flowing your way, don't hurt me

Of course Jaewon sees it.

How could he _not_?

The video of Minsoo and Daehyun soon goes viral, and the internet is in hysterics over whether or not they're actually criminals (and also over how _cute they are_ ). Some intrepid souls question where Jaewon and Dongho are, and others comment on the way they look - clearly haggard - but Jaewon notices, more than anything else, the jacket Minsoo's wearing.

 _The_ jacket.

Jesus Christ, he _kept it_?

"What's that?"

Taehyuk moves to stand next to him, leaning against the counter, and Jaewon grins, well aware it probably looks dopey as all hell.

"Two of my boyfriends."

( _two_. not three. 

where is dongho?)

"Don't show that to Jiho," Taehyuk murmurs, gaze flitting to the door. "He... he hasn't been taking it well."

Understatement of the century.

Jiho hasn't shown up to work since the funeral, and he hasn't responded to one of Jaewon's texts. A part of him hopes he wouldn't do anything _too_ rash, but-

would he?

(without sungmin, who's to know.)

"I went by his place yesterday," Taehyuk continues, gazing distantly out the glass. "He either wasn't there, or didn't answer the door."

Knowing Jiho, Jaewon suspects the latter. 

"I'm worried," Taehyuk whispers, and Jaewon-

doesn't know what will reassure him.

* * *

Walking home is its own special brand of torture.

Scratch that - walking home at two in the morning after a graveyard shift is its own special brand of torture.

Jaewon stuffs his hands into his pockets, gaze flitting around the deserted streets. He doesn't _expect_ to get jumped tonight, and he knows he can defend himself, but-

he doesn't _want to_. 

Besides, there's no way in _hell_ he's attacking a normal mugger with _fire_.

He passes under a streetlight, and the air shifts ever-so-slightly.

He's being followed.

He takes off at a dead sprint as gunshots ring through the air, and he curses, sprinting around a corner. 

He can't hear the sound of following footsteps, which just means-

the figure's standing right in front of him.

Great.

(he can hear minsoo scolding him already.)

"Who are you?" he whispers, taking a step back. "What do you want?"

There's no response.

"Why... why are you following me?"

Jaewon takes another step back, gaze pinned firmly on the figure's head. "Who are you?"

" _Jaewon_!"

Oh.

_Oh._

A shadow falls over Jaewon, and he only has enough time to step back before a white-haired man lands on the pavement in front of him, jacket flapping in a fresh breeze. Next to him, a blond man hops off a fire escape, a masquerade mask over his eyes and a delighted smile on his lips.

"Jaewon!"

Daehyun.

That's _Daehyun_.

Which means the white-haired man is-

"Minsoo," Jaewon chokes out, heart leaping in a potent combination of ecstasy, terror, joy, and relief. "Oh my god-"

Daehyun crashes into his chest, arms winding around his back, and Jaewon reaches up to hug him in return, one hand coming up to grip fistfuls of matted blond hair. "Dae, Dae, _Dae_ -"

"You're really alive," Daehyun gasps, and Jaewon's heart sinks as he stares at the back of Minsoo's head. "Minsoo told me Jun said you were dead, but he said he didn't believe him, and _oh god you're alive_ -"

"Get out of here," Minsoo states, and Daehyun squares his jaw, pulling away from Jaewon to yank off his jacket.

"I'm not leaving you."

He drapes his jacket over Jaewon's shoulders, and Jaewon grasps the collar, pulling it around himself as if it'll protect him from the world.

He can't let them fight alone.

The first time they fought alone, they got separated and hurt. He can't let that happen again.

"I'm not going anywhere either," Jaewon states, moving to stand next to Minsoo. "Not without you."

Black Mask folds his arms over his chest, but says nothing.

"Who are you?" Jaewon demands, and Black Mask shifts from foot to foot, apparently deciding something.

"...you know Lee Sungmin?"

Jaewon's eyes widen, a fresh wave of _grief_ slamming into his chest, and he nods, albeit weakly. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

Black Mask tilts his head, and his next words come out... oddly strained, for a merciless killer. "I'm the one who shot him."

Jaewon's moving before he even fully processes it.

Flame wreathes his hand as he charges forward, a primal scream tearing its way from his throat.

( _hekilledSungminhekilledSungmin-_ )

He drives his fist into the man's helmet before a boot slams into his chest, throwing him back. He only moves a step or two - thanks to Minsoo - and the flames only amplify as he charges in once again, fury clouding his mind.

( _hekilledSungminhekilledSungmin **makehimpay** -)_

Black Mask leaps back, and Daehyun's there with a sword, delivering a glancing blow to the man's ribs before he jumps over it.

He's not fighting back.

"Fight back!" Jaewon screeches, and it feels like he's barely holding onto _him_ like this, feels like the flames want to take over and strip him of all control. " _Fight back_!"

Black Mask fires, and Jaewon charges forwards once more, ducking under a punch to drive his foot into the man's stomach. He stumbles back a few steps, and Jaewon leaps forwards, meeting him with another punch. 

It continues in that vein for a few minutes, Black Mask driven back by a relentless barrage of blows, and Jaewon ends it with one last blow to the head that cracks the man's helmet and sends him to his knees.

"Who are you?" Jaewon demands, and someone grabs his wrist, pulling him back.

Minsoo.

"Breathe," Minsoo states, planting his hands on Jaewon's shoulders. "Calm down."

"But-"

" _Breathe_."

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see that Daehyun has a sword angled at Black Mask's neck - the man's hand clasped over the part of his face the mask has crumbled away from - and Jaewon-

doesn't understand.

It shouldn't have been that _easy_.

"Give me the gun," Daehyun demands, and Black Mask raises his head, somehow managing to be defiant despite no words being spoken.

"No."

His voice modulator is intact, then.

"That wasn't a request."

Now, _they_ know Daehyun won't kill him, and _Daehyun_ knows he won't kill him, but _Black Mask_ doesn't know that.

"No."

As Daehyun bends down to pull the gun from his hands, three things happen in perfect tandem. 

One: a gunshot rings through the alley, deafening in the near-total silence.

Two: Daehyun stumbles back, hands pressed to his stomach as a crimson stain spreads over his shirt.

Three: Black Mask's hand falls from his face, and Minsoo can see one green eye widened in horror.

" _Daehyun!_ "

Jaewon's not sure _who_ screams it, but Minsoo's there to catch Daehyun when he falls, and by the time they look up, Black Mask is gone.

"What a coward," Minsoo spits, and Jaewon pulls off his jacket, pressing it to the wound in Daehyun's stomach. "You okay, Dae?"

"I'll be fine," Daehyun replies, and Jaewon shakes his head.

"You just got _shot_!"

"I'll be fine," Daehyun grins, gesturing to the gunshot wound. "See? Already healing."

Jaewon exhales, relief evident as he presses his forehead to Daehyun's. "Don't do that again."

"I'll try," Daehyun winks, and it's in that moment that Jaewon realizes _they're here_.

They're _really here_.

"You..."

He raises his head, gaze meeting Minsoo's equally stunned one, and it's difficult to say who moves first, but within moments, they're tangled up in each other, Minsoo's hand in Jaewon's hair while Jaewon's arms wind around Minsoo's back. 

"Jae," Minsoo breathes, voice layered with disbelief. "Jae, Jae, _jaigya_ , you're here-"

"Jaigya?" Jaewon sniffs, and _oh no_ when did he start crying? "Why jaigya?"

"Sounds like Jae-yah," Minsoo simply replies, and Jaewon laughs, pressing his nose into Minsoo's neck.

Only Minsoo.

"What, you're not going to leave me out, are you?"

"You're _bleeding_ ," Minsoo snipes, pulling back to glare at Daehyun. " _No_ I'm not going to cuddle you when you're _bleeding profusely_."

"Really?"

" _Yes_!"

"Then carry me, o prince."

Jaewon winces as Minsoo hefts Daehyun into his arms - and it's almost hilarious, their size difference - but neither one comments on it. 

"Which Prince Charming are you?" Jaewon asks, and Minsoo stares at him, eyes wide. 

"There's more than one?"

* * *

The second Minsoo sees Jun, he slaps him.

"Minsoo!" Jaewon squeaks, hauling his smaller boyfriend back before he can actually tackle Jun and tear his extremities from his torso. " _Why_?"

"He told me you were _dead_!" Minsoo shouts, thrashing in Jaewon's grasp. "I should kick him out of a window!"

"But you won't?" Jaewon hopefully replies, and Minsoo scowls at the barista, fury burning in his eyes. " _Minsoo_."

"I had my reasons," Jun states, and Jaewon inwardly sighs as Minsoo redoubles his thrashing.

"What the fuck _were they_?" Minsoo demands, nearly smacking Jaewon in the face with the force of his fury. "What the fuck reasons could you _possibly have_?"

"It was safer for him to be here."

That-

actually gives Minsoo pause.

"Yeah," he finally states, and Jaewon feels like he might actually make it out of this with all his teeth intact, "but is he _happier_ here?"

"I'm not letting my friend die because of some bullshit adventure," Jun snaps, reaching up to rub his cheek. "Just like I'm not letting him leave."

"You can't make me stay," Jaewon points out, and Jun's eyes narrow.

" _Jae-yah_. You're not really going with them, are you?"

"You know I can't stay," Jaewon all but begs, and for the moment, Minsoo's gone blessedly limp. "You know I can't just stay here knowing they're in danger."

"You were fine for the past few months."

He's _scared_ , Jaewon realizes, the knowledge hitting him like a ton of bricks. He's _scared for Jaewon_.

That's... oddly touching.

"I'm not going to die," Jaewon states, and Jun rolls his eyes, though there's still a hint of the frenetic energy Jaewon never thought he'd associate with Jun in his stance.

"You can't promise that."

"I can try."

"You _won't die_ if you stay at _Coffee Temple_ -"

" _Sungmin died because he stayed at Coffee Temple_."

Jun falls silent, and Jaewon immediately feels like the worst person alive.

"Wait, Jun-ah- I didn't mean-"

"Do you want to throw your life away?"

Jaewon blinks at him, bewildered, and Jun's eyes flutter shut, an internal war playing out on his face.

"What is your _goal_ , Jaewon-ah? What do you _want_?"

"To find Dongho," Minsoo cuts in, and Jun glares at him.

"I didn't ask for your opinion, half-pint."

" _Half-pint-_ "

"He's right," Jaewon states, and both parties fall silent. "That's what I want. I don't know what I'm going to do after that, but I think that's enough of a goal for the short term."

Jun sighs, reaching up to massage the bridge of his nose. "And there's no way I can talk you out of this."

"...no."

"Fine. I'll let you go-"

"-you weren't gonna _let him_ do _shit_ , tattoo-brain-"

"-on one condition."

"What?"

Jun's gaze flickers to Minsoo, and the leader flinches, visibly caught off-guard. "We need another barista."

* * *

"What, you want _him_ to work for us?"

"We need someone to take Sungmin's place."

Taehyuk winces, and Jiho's head whips around, dark eyes haunted as he stares at Jun.

" _Nobody_ can take his place."

"You're right," Jun acquiesces, and Jiho nods, lapsing back into silence.

(nobody comments on the fact that he's wearing one of sungmin's hoodies.)

"But we do need another hand now that Jiho-yah's dropping a lot of shifts, and we've had _worse_."

Taehyuk withers under Jun's glare, and Nari sighs, gaze dropping back to her clipboard.

"First off, you two do your weird flirt-hate thing on your own time. Secondly... I guess you're right. But you do know what this means, right?"

"What?"

"You get to train him."

"Pass."

"You can't pass," Taehyuk points out, and Jun's eyebrow twitches.

"I said _pass_. Why can't Jaewon train him?"

"Because _one_ couple has already fucked on the counter," Nari states, "and we will _not be having a repeat of that_."

All eyes flit to Jiho, but luckily, the younger man wasn't paying attention - engrossed in something on his phone.

"...you know, if anyone needs to take time off, I can cover you."

"I'm fine," Jun states, and Taehyuk nods, albeit weakly.

"...you sure?"

"Yeah."

Nari points a pen at them, eyes narrowed in irritation. "I don't want you lying to me," she snaps, and Taehyuk shivers.

"It's not a lie, hag," Jun states, shrugging his jacket back on. "Now, can I get out of here?"

"You're training Minsoo!"

"No, I'm not!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...jiho isn't doing so hot
> 
> but 3/4 of mayhem are now together!!!! yay!!!!!!
> 
> and minsoo and possibly dae get to work at coffee temple!!! hoo boy looks like minsoo's gonna have to stem those murderous impulses haha
> 
> chapter title from mamamoo's egotistic


	48. wait (they don't love you like i love you)

"I don't appreciate getting involved on your behalf."

The man stalks back and forth, gun in its holster and tan skin shining under the bright lights. He turns to face Dongho - and _oh_ , those are the eyes of someone who thinks they're at the top of the world - and folds his arms over his chest in a silent challenge.

"What the fuck were you thinking, oh-two?"

Dongho meets the man's gaze, jaw set and determination blazing in his eyes.

He doesn't reply. 

Donghyun grips his jaw, yanking his chin up so their gazes meet. "I asked, _oh-two_ , what the _fuck_ you were thinking."

Dongho, once again, doesn't reply.

" _Answer me, oh-two_."

There are two answers here, Dongho knows.

He could tell the truth - which ends poorly for him no matter how he imagines it - or he could _lie_. 

(he's doing a lot of that, lately.)

"I was unable to beat them," Dongho recites, the words bland on his tongue. "I did not anticipate the target's strength."

That's a lie, and they both know it.

"You're lying."

The collar around his neck buzzes, and Dongho has only a split-second to brace himself before it turns on.

It feels- indescribable. Like a combination of needles and flames, and it _hurts_ , pain pushing every nerve into overdrive. He's not sure when he ends up on his knees, only that he _does_ , and Donghyun plants his foot on his forehead, gaze burning with sadistic pleasure. 

(for a moment, dongho's reminded of the ceo.)

"Tell me the truth."

Dongho looks at them, and he _grins_ , trying to infuse his next words with whatever semblance of _Dongho_ he has left.

"I'll die before I let you hurt them."

"That could be arranged."

* * *

"This is better than cable."

Daehyun leans against the counter, lips curled into a smile and glasses perched haphazardly on his nose. "If I wasn't dating him, I'd say he was totally into Jun-ah."

In the corner, Minsoo dumps a cup of water over Jun's head and ducks under the counter, lips curling into an impish grin at Jun shouts in protest. Nari looks torn between reprimanding him and laughing herself, and Taehyuk isn't even torn - he's wheezing so hard his forehead lands on the register, shoulders shaking with ill-contained laughter.

"Well," Taehyuk gasps, a devilish glint in his eyes, "he is an easy person to love."

Daehyun... kinda disagrees with that, but-

"You _like him_?"

"Ssh!" Taehyuk hisses, hand flying up to cover Daehyun's mouth. "Oh my god, don't say that so _loud!_ "

Daehyun nods, and Taehyuk removes his hand, letting it fall to his side.

"...is it that obvious?"

"Not really," Daehyun hums, "but it is when you say things like that."

"Oh, yeah..."

"Wait, does he-"

Daehyun's gaze flits to the barista, eyes widening in dismay. " _No_!"

"What?"

"Jun-ah!"

Jun raises his head, one hand gripping Minsoo's hair and the other holding a cup of water. "Yeah?"

"Are you gay?"

"Screw off."

"I knew it!" Minsoo shouts, raising a fist in victory. "I _knew it_ -"

As soon as he leans out from under the counter, Jun dumps a glass on his head.

* * *

"Home!"

Minsoo toes off his shoes by the door, lips curling into a grin at the smell of cooked meat wafting through the air. "Dae?"

"We're in the kitchen!" Daehyun calls, and Minsoo's grin widens as he steps into the room.

Jaewon's hair is tied back with a bandanna, and he stirs whatever's in his bowl with a passion. His hair's back to red - and Minsoo privately laments how hair dye is their third biggest expense after food and rent - and he's wearing one of Daehyun's hoodies, the oversized clothes hanging off his frame.

Next to him, Daehyun hums along to the radio as he watches the meat, jeans slung low on his hips and hair damp from the shower. Minsoo's glad he's found some way to occupy his time - and if it happens to be as an assistant chef for the restaurant right next door to _Coffee Temple_ , then, well.

Isn't that just a happy coincidence?

A lot of things are happy coincidences, Minsoo thinks - from being able to find an apartment and actually rent it without anyone batting an eye (as long as they have the money, minsoo's pretty certain they could be drug lords and the landlady wouldn't be upset - as long as they don't make a mess, that is) to finding decent furniture for cheap and (daehyun's personal favorite) some great things at a thrift store.

(for a moment, minsoo imagines dongho here with them - hair pushed back from his face as he sits at the table, banned from cooking lest he set something on fire, with a beaten-up play in his hands and a gentle smile on his lips - and pushes it away.)

"What're we having?" he asks, leaning against the doorframe to smile at his boyfriends.

"Bulgogi!" Daehyun chirps, nearly raising his spatula to accentuate his words before thinking better of it. "I hope you like it!"

"I like anything you make," Minsoo grins, and Daehyun quirks a brow.

"Even-"

" _That salad was a special case_."

Minsoo flops into one of their dining chairs, a long, drawn-out sigh escaping his lips. "Can you even call it a salad if it's all _burnt_?"

"Dae burnt something?" Jaewon asks, disbelief evident. 

"I was distracted!" Daehyun protests, and Minsoo winks.

"I'm very distracting, I know."

"You are," Jaewon sagely agrees, and Daehyun leans over to poke him with the spatula (a fact that would concern minsoo much more if jaewon wasn't completely invulnerable to fire). 

"Says _you_ , _Wyld_! Do you _know_ how you look on stage? Hm? And you look so cute off-stage, too, it's just-"

He groans, head thunking against the cabinet, and Minsoo bursts into laughter. 

"Dae- Dae- Dae-Dae-Dae- _you forgot the most killer part_."

"Killer?" Jaewon questions, sounding somewhat concerned.

Which-

 _cute_.

"You wanna know something, jaigya?"

Jaewon flushes pink and ducks his head to hide his grin, though it's a moot point as Minsoo pokes his cheeks nonetheless.

"You so fuckin' precious when you smile..."

" _Hyung_ ," Jaewon gasps, reaching up to hide his face in his hands. " _Noo_ -"

"Hit it from the back and drive you wild!" Daehyun and Minsoo chorus, and Jaewon makes a sound halfway between a laugh and a scream as he buries his face in Minsoo's chest. 

"Isn't that a dead meme?"

"No memes ever die!" Daehyun proclaims, leaning over to poke Jaewon's cheek. "And you're cute."

"The cutest," Minsoo agrees, and Jaewon's blush crawls up to his ears. "You're blushing!"

"It's the fire," Jaewon mumbles, and Minsoo pokes his cheek once more.

"It's _cute_."

"And hot," Daehyun quips, and Jaewon chokes on air.

"Th-Thanks?"

There's a moment of silence before Daehyun shrieks, racing back to the stove like someone tried to stab him. "The beef!" he cries, summoning water to pour on the burning pan. "Shit, shit, shit-"

"I got it!" Jaewon exclaims, and Daehyun sighs in relief as the flames flow out of the pan and into the redhead's hands. 

God bless Ahn Jaewon, honestly. 

And yet-

"You're _distracting_!" Daehyun protests, wheeling to point at Minsoo. "I told you so!"

"Good thing I'm cute," Minsoo grins, and Daehyun nods before realizing he's supposed to be mad.

"Well, I hope you like burnt bulgogi."

Minsoo leans over to press a quick kiss to his lips before doing the same to Jaewon, a bright smile on his face. "I like anything you make."

"Except-"

" _Not the salad_!"

* * *

As soon as Jaewon realizes who's working, he wants to turn right back around and go home.

Because _no_ , it couldn't be just him and Minsoo or him and Jun-

 _it had to be all three of them_.

Jun and Minsoo glare at each other from opposite ends of the counter, with Jaewon in the center trying desperately to keep their rating above four stars. Honestly, it's a miracle nobody's mentioned what happened the _last_ time they were on shift together - except Nari, who made a point of saying that the next person to break an espresso maker is going to have the cost taken out of their paycheck - but that isn't stopping Minsoo from throwing tiny objects at Jun from wherever he is in the store.

If Jaewon wasn't so afraid Jun might snap and clock his boyfriend with another espresso maker, it would be hilarious. 

Still - Minsoo's very good with customers, even if the neon blue (daehyun's choice) hair dye makes him look a little strange. It's not as if he can't change it, but their house rules are that it has to be the same color for at least three days, because the amount of their paychecks they spend on hair dye is _disgusting_.

It would be less of an issue if their hair could actually _dye_ and not just stay perpetually wet like some strange watercolor, but it is what it is.

Ah, the wonders of magic.

Jaewon ducks as a spoon flies through the air, and Minsoo snickers as Jun's infuriated shouts ring through the air. 

" _Lee Minsoo!_ "

"Minsoo- _hyung_!" Minsoo calls, and Jun storms out of the back room, a spoon stuck to his nose. 

What?

Jaewon stares at him, trying to understand what the _fuck_ is keeping that spoon on his nose, but Jun clearly isn't dwelling on the logistics.

"Why are you _like this_?"

"Because you're a dick!"

"Wha- _you're_ a reckless moron!"

Jaewon stares at the customers (and really, daehyun's right - this is better than cable) as the awkwardness mounts, and he makes a split-second decision as the one responsible adult in the building.

He grabs Jun and Minsoo's wrists, hauls them into the storage closet, and locks the door.

" _What_?" Jun shouts, and Minsoo pokes the door a few times, somewhat confused. "Let us _out_!"

"I'll be back in a few hours," Jaewon hums, the slow realization of what he's just done dawning on him. "Please don't kill each other!"

He returns to the register-

and oh _fuck_ he has to manage the entire store.

 _Alone_.

"Jagi!"

Daehyun leans against the counter, a casual grin on his lips, and _holy fuck_ it's his lunch break.

Praise all that is holy.

Jaewon may survive today after all.

"Where's everyone else?"

"I need your help," Jaewon all but begs, and Daehyun nods, checking the clock.

"I have an hour. Is that good?"

" _Please_ ," Jaewon repeats, and Daehyun grins, giving Jaewon a quick peck on the cheek before running to the back.

"Any time!" he calls, and Jaewon gives the customers an awkward grin before taking the first orders.

They work perfectly in tandem, Daehyun charming customers at the register while Jaewon pours the drinks. It's strange, seeing Daehyun in a button-up and apron, but his smile and occasional laughter distracts from it.

He's great in the customer service industry, Jaewon privately thinks. Not just because he's cute - which he is - but because he's so _outgoing_.

Also, he's cute.

It's a good thing Minsoo isn't here, because he's seen at least five girls slip Daehyun their number (with one particularly intrepid soul telling him he looks like an idol, which daehyun laughed and waved off) and Jaewon's almost positive Minsoo would've fucking decked at least one of them. 

"I have to go," Daehyun whispers after fifty minutes, and Jaewon sighs, placing a quick kiss on Daehyun's cheek as his boyfriend disappears into the back room. When he returns, he's back in his work clothes, hair messy and an expression of sheer _regret_ on his features as he heads for the door. "I can ask Juwon-ssi if I can stay longer...?"

"Go work," Jaewon firmly states, pushing Daehyun out of the door. "Someone has to make money in this house!"

"Yeah, yeah," Daehyun teases, pressing a kiss to Jaewon's cheek before sprinting out the door. Jaewon watches, a soft grin on his lips, as Daehyun runs through the door, before a cough at the register catches his attention.

Oh, boy.

Karen's back.

"Oh," she states as soon as Jaewon makes it to the counter. "It's _you_ again."

"I'm sorry, ma'am," Jaewon smiles, fingers hovering over the register's buttons. "What can I get for you today?"

"A half caramel, half vanilla latte, decaf espresso heated only to 100 degrees with nonfat milk and caramel drizzle on top."

Jaewon fucking _stares_.

Is that any language known to man? Probably, but he did _not_ get that.

"Sorry, ma'am, could you please repeat that-"

"Tch," she tsks, folding her arms over her chest. "I see why they pay you minimum wage. A _half caramel, half vanilla latte_ , decaf espresso heated _only_ to 100 degrees, with _nonfat milk_ and _caramel drizzle on top_."

"Okay," Jaewon smiles, hoping to god that he can actually execute that. "Just a moment, ma'am."

He's really wishing he hadn't locked Jun and Minsoo in the closet right about now, despite how necessary it was.

Or so it seemed.

Is it too late to beg Jun to do it?

 _No._ Jaewon can handle this. He is _competent_. He can _do this_.

He is going to cry if she screams at him again, but that's not the point.

He makes the drink as best he can, hoping to fuck it comes out right, and places it on the counter, immediately turning back to the register.

"...hm."

Karen takes a sip, lips pursing into a thin line after she swallows. "...acceptable."

Jaewon smiles, heart leaping at the scrap of quasi-praise, and he scribbles down the next order, a smile on his lips.

He's got this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i googled "the most annoying starbucks order" for karen's order and got it from this article https://www.theodysseyonline.com/11-annoying-starbucks-orders
> 
> originally the encounter was going to end worse, but then i listened to nct's puzzle piece and i just couldn't do that to poor jaewon
> 
> also for anyone who doesn't follow me on twit, i'm doing a lit fic week, and because of that, updates for this are going to switch to every other day instead of every day. go check out my twit for more details!!
> 
> chapter title from maps by yeah yeah yeahs


	49. inferno

"What? Let us _out_!"

The closet is small - small enough that there's no way Minsoo and Jun can move so they wouldn't be touching - and a thin ray of light filters in through the doorframe, illuminating a thin strip of Minsoo's forehead. 

"It's definitely wood," Minsoo finally states, and Jun lets out a small sound that verges dangerously on scream territory.

"Of _course_ it's wood! What else would it _be_?"

"I don't know! Metal, maybe?"

"Why would a random coffee shop in the middle of Seoul have a metal door for its storage closet?"

"I don't _know_! I just thought it was worth a check!"

"Why would it be _worth a check?_ "

Minsoo groans, sliding down the wall to curl into a small ball. Really, the closet's too small for it, so he hooks his legs around Jun's before an idea occurs to him.

"Hey. Crouch down."

Jun glares at him, lips pursed into a thin line. "No."

"Just do it, jackass."

Jun does.

Minsoo stands, and Jun, to his credit, merely blinks as the older man hovers in the air, floating a foot above Jun's head. 

That's one way to do it. 

"So," Minsoo continues, and Jun glares at him, unwilling to talk. "We're locked in here."

"What, your bullshit magic can't break down the door?"

"I'll have to pay for it."

"Fuck you."

"You wish."

Jun crosses his arms over his chest, lips pursing into a scowl. "Jaewon-ah probably wants us to talk about our problems, doesn't he?"

"Yep."

"I don't."

"I don't, either."

They fall into silence, Minsoo gazing at the ceiling and Jun looking everywhere but Minsoo. It's not a hard task - the room's fairly dark, and has enough available surfaces to make it feasible - but it's an annoying one.

"...why the fuck would you do that, Jun?"

"For Jaewon-ah," Jun mutters, gaze pinned on the door. "I did it to protect him, and you're a selfish idiot if you think him being with you is the safest option."

"It _is_ -"

"For _who_ , Minsoo?"

Minsoo falls silent, and Jun continues, voice laced with fury.

"Because from where I stand, it looks like it's for _you_. It looks like it's for _you_ , and your fucking _overprotective streak_ that you won't let Jaewon be happy, that you won't let him be _safe_ -"

"He's safe and happy with us!"

"He's _happy_ , not safe!"

A jar of coffee beans flies through the air and collides with Jun's head, and the younger man's officially had enough.

He reaches up, grabs Minsoo's collar, and slams him against the door.

"Jun, what the _fuck_ -"

" _Shut the fuck up_!" Jun shouts, and Minsoo glares at him, cold fury burning in his eyes. "You are leading Daehyun and Jaewon to their _deaths_ , and you're _too fucking idiotic_ to notice it! They will _die_ for your cockamamie plans, and you won't even see it coming because you're _that fucking foolish!_ They _can_ and _will_ die for you, and I fucking _know that_ , so I'm going to keep Jaewon as _far away from you_ as I can!"

"That's not your choice to make!"

"Well, _someone_ has to fucking make it!"

"Jaewon's _happy_ with us!" Minsoo shouts, and Jun growls, fury coiling in his gut. "He's _happy_ , and _fuck_ , he isn't safe _anywhere_ , but he's _safer_ with us-"

"That's a fucking lie."

"Sungmin got shot because of him!"

Jun's blood runs cold.

_"We won't say anything!"_

_"I wanna make Taehyukkie smile!"_

_"Sungmin is dead!"_

"Shut the fuck up."

"Why? Because I'm _right_?"

"Dongho died because of _you_!"

Minsoo falls silent, and Jun doesn't care that this is going too far, because _Minsoo went there first_.

"...take that back."

"No."

" _Fucking take that back_!"

Jun ducks as another jar flies at his head, and he drives his fist into Minsoo's cheek, tears burning his eyes.

"Sungmin-ah was a better man than you'll ever be!"

"Dongho's death wasn't my fault!"

They're having two different conversations, and they both know it.

"It _wasn't_!" Minsoo screams, and Jun doesn't need to see to know he's crying. "It _wasn't my fault_!"

"You're a liar."

Minsoo slams him into the cabinets, and Jun drives his fist into his cheek once more, wiping it on his jeans to get rid of the tears. "You're a _fucking liar_ , Lee Minsoo."

"Jaewon's safer with us!" Minsoo screams, and Jun can _tell_ he's teetering on the precipice of something, so close to falling or realizing or _something_ , but he doesn't know what it is. "He _is_!"

"You're a liar."

Minsoo chokes on a sob, and he reaches up to swipe at his cheeks before gripping Jun's collar. "You're the one that's wrong!"

"How?"

"If Jaewon- if Jaewon stays here, _everyone's_ in danger! If _we_ stay here, then everyone's in danger!"

"Then leave him behind."

"I'm not leaving him behind again!"

"Would you rather he _die_? Like- like Dongho?"

"Dongho _isn't dead_!"

"You're _delusional_ , Lee Minsoo."

Jun shoves the elder into the door, all the fury in his gut released in burning-hot words as he grasps Minsoo's wrists. "Dongho is _dead_ , and you're leading Jaewon and Daehyun to their _deaths_. I'm not going to stand by and watch as Jaewon throws his life away for your _bullshit schemes_ , and I'm not going to let you live without the knowledge that _they will die because of you_."

He falls silent, chest heaving, and Minsoo raises his head, tears dripping off his chin but eyes stone-cold.

"At least we'll die free."

* * *

When Jaewon comes to let them out, they aren't talking.

Jun leaves immediately, eyes dark and jaw set, and Minsoo stumbles out afterwards, bruises already forming on his cheek and wrists. When Jaewon goes to ask what happened, he waves it off, eyes dark and something new in his walk.

Fear.

What happened in there?

Minsoo and Jun both avoid discussing what happened in the closet over the next few days, but Jaewon notices some changes. Jun lingers a little closer, glares a little colder, and ignores Minsoo as best he can. Minsoo, on the other hand, clings to Jaewon and Daehyun even more, though he distances himself other times - odd, considering how overly-clingy he is whenever one of them is in the same room.

Jaewon doesn't understand.

What happened in there?

He tries asking Minsoo, but he doesn't reply. He tries asking Jun, but he tells him "you don't want to know" and goes back to work.

But Jaewon _does_ want to know. 

He _has to know_.

Honestly, by this point, he's considering locking Jun and Minsoo in a closet _again_ , since the first time didn't serve its intended purpose. Whatever they said or did, it just made things _worse_ , and Jaewon has no idea how to fix it. 

If he even can, that is.

Daehyun is no more helpful - refusing to get involved on the basis that "they need to work this out themselves" - and Jaewon nearly screams because _they aren't going to work it out themselves_. 

It's not going to get better if he doesn't do anything.

So the next time Minsoo disappears, he follows him.

* * *

Minsoo sprints over the rooftops, wind blowing through his hair and worries melting away.

There's something serene about being up here - something reminiscent of the times when it was just _them_. Just the four of them ( _don't think about dongho don't fucking think about him_ ) against the world, nobody to fight them or stop them or tell them what to do.

God, Minsoo misses that.

It's a gnawing ache in his gut - a possibility for better things, a possibility for _happiness_ , because if he had just let the rest of the world die, Dongho would still be here.

He's not dead.

He can't be dead.

Jun's fucking wrong.

Dongho's- Dongho's _somewhere_ , and Minsoo doesn't know where that is, but they're _going to find him_. 

They have to.

He skids to a stop at the sight of a flash of silver, and his lips curl into a mocking grin as he turns to face his pursuer.

"Black Mask."

"Lee Minsoo," the man replies, modulated voice butchering the syllables of his name. "I didn't expect to see you up here."

"You're a liar."

"Mm. If that's how you want to look at it."

"How the hell _should_ I look at it, Black Mask?"

"I hoped."

The man takes a step closer, and Minsoo throws a hand out, preemptively placing the wind in the area under his control. "Not a step closer."

Quicker than Minsoo can register, the man pulls a gun and fires.

He dives out of the way, the bullet twisting to embed itself in the pavement. The man fires again - _bang-bang-bang-bang-bang_ \- and the bullets arc in different directions, each one missing its mark.

"You're good."

"I try."

Minsoo leaps into the air, throwing himself at the man with as much force as he can muster. Black Mask grasps his wrist and slams him into the roof, and Minsoo uses the motion to throw himself into a flip, driving his boot into the man's jaw. 

The man stumbles back, and Minsoo jumps forwards, swinging at the man before he leaps back. He fires once more - _bang-bang-bang_ \- and Minsoo twists all three back at him, the man forced to dive as the bullets embed themselves in the roof. 

He withdraws a knife, and Minsoo charges once more, grasping the man's wrist as he lands a punch to his cheek. It's ineffective with the mask, and he drives a foot into his chest, using him as a springboard to rebound onto the other roof. 

"Minsoo!"

Minsoo blinks, whipping to stare at Jaewon, and it's a delay that costs him.

A bullet tears through his shoulder, and he swears, twisting into a jump to land at Jaewon's side. "Get out of here!"

Jaewon stares at Black Mask, and Minsoo blinks as he bursts into flame. "No."

Minsoo can feel it - feel the oxygen feeding off his fire - and he blinks as an idea occurs to him.

"What if we work together?"

"What?"

"Your fire. My wind. We work together."

Black Mask fires once more, and Minsoo redirects them with ease, gaze landing on the assassin on the other roof. "A firestorm."

Jaewon stares at him for a moment before grasping his hands, and he nods, lips curling into a grin. "A firestorm."

Minsoo closes his eyes, and he can _feel it_.

* * *

Holy fuck.

Dongho stares, eyes wide with a mixture of awe and horror, as a massive cloud of fire starts to grow around the pair.

Holy _fuck_.

It occurs to him a moment late that he ought to get the fuck out of dodge, but _damn_ is he impressed. 

And besides - he can just protect himself with the earth. He can stay and watch.

That's a very masochistic angle to take on this, he realizes, but he's _curious_.

The firestorm grows, and he barely has time to realize he's fucked up before tendril after tendril of flame races towards him.

He throws up a few earthen walls, but it isn't enough to stop all of them. One scores a hit on his stomach (like jaewon, all that time ago) and the other singes his arm, sending him leaping back. 

More and more tendrils follow, and he breaks into a dead sprint, the fire unyielding. 

Apparently, even getting the fuck out of dodge isn't allowed.

One flies past his head, and he grimaces as the helmet heats to an uncomfortable temperature. His ear _burns_ , and he ignores it in favor of leaping down an alleyway, catching himself in a dumpster and breaking back into a sprint.

One tendril embeds itself in the ground in front of him, and Dongho patches up the hole as he sprints, casting out his ability to find the best out. 

There - a subway station.

He rounds a corner, grimacing as a tendril slams into a building, but he doesn't have time to be concerned about property damage at the moment. 

Not if he wants to live.

Which, really, _why the fuck is he running_? He could die here.

But then they'd just send someone else after them, making his death pointless.

He can't be selfish.

He leaps into the subway station, throwing up a wall of earth behind him, and the tendrils fizzle out upon contact, the faint burning smell disappearing in an instant.

Dongho waits two minutes before lowering the wall, and he sighs, sagging against the wall and pressing a hand to the helmet.

Jesus Christ, that was close. 

Maybe next time he should run first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the amount of italics in this chapter disgust me
> 
> also sorry for the late chapter!!! but go check out my fic week :)
> 
> un-reread, so please point out any mistakes
> 
> chapter title from shayne orok's inferno cover


	50. good feels bad, bad feels good

When Minsoo and Jaewon slide back through the window, Daehyun's awake and waiting.

There's no judgement in his eyes - none of the reproach Dongho would have for going out so late (and _god_ does minsoo miss him, _god_ does he want him back) - and even as Minsoo searches, all he finds is painful curiosity.

"Did you find anything?" the youngest asks, and Minsoo can hear the real question there, hidden under careful caution.

_"Is he okay?"_

"I don't know," Minsoo settles on, flopping onto the couch. "I really don't know, Dae."

"What?"

Jaewon and Minsoo exchange looks, and the former sighs, taking a seat next to Daehyun. "Black Mask... he manipulated the ground while we were chasing him."

"It's him."

Minsoo's heart plummets.

"It- it has to be him," Daehyun states, explanation choppy and halting. "I _know_ it's him. It has to be."

"He wouldn't do this," Minsoo lamely replies, though despite the weak defense, his heart _knows_ that can't be Dongho.

It can't be.

Not- not his boyfriend. Not the person who likes cats and cares about them more than _anything_.

"He shot you, Dae. He shot you, and he killed Sungmin," and Jaewon's expression _crumples_ at that, a fresh knife stabbed into a barely-healed wound, "and he hunted me for _months_. If he was Dongho, I would know."

And _that_ , Minsoo believes.

You don't just get hunted by somebody for literal months and not become a bit familiar with them, after all.

"I know it's him," Daehyun pleads, eyes shining with tears. "Hyung, you have to believe me."

 _Hyung_.

Daehyun honestly believes what he's saying.

And, truth be told, Minsoo knew that - this isn't something any of them would joke about, after all - but to hear that added honorific-

"I can't," he simply replies, gaze flitting to the window to avoid the grief on Daehyun's face. "I'm sorry, Dae."

Daehyun rises, lip trembling, and though Minsoo itches to comfort him, he strides to the bedroom without a word. Jaewon rises to follow him, sadness shining in his eyes, and he presses a gentle kiss to Minsoo's head before disappearing into the other room, leaving Minsoo to sit on the couch, alone.

" _Fuck_ ," the leader whispers, blinking back the tears that threaten to spill. "Don't cry, goddammit..."

It's an effort doomed to fail, and he knows it. 

* * *

Dongho sits on his cot, helmet sitting on the side table and gaze pinned on his scarred hands. 

He's very carefully not thinking of anything, very carefully not dwelling on anything that could distract him. 

Very carefully not dwelling on the fact that it's clear he's not their perfect soldier.

The door clicks open, and he raises his head, greasy locks hanging in his eyes. 

It's the scientist and the soldier, this time.

"We're going to try some new experiments," Minkyu smiles, clipboard propped against his hip and lips curled into a saccharine-sweet smile. "Aren't you excited?"

Dongho keeps his mouth shut, the weight of the collar heavy around his neck and the price of failure even heavier.

A pair of soldiers enter the room, wrenching him to his feet, and he keeps his mouth shut and head down as they march him down the hall, fear coiling red-hot in his gut.

Whatever they have planned, it's got to be worse than what they've done before.

They lead him into a pitch-black room, and one of the soliders shoves him to his knees, his legs colliding painfully with the metal floor.

Of course it's metal.

They clasp chains around his ankles and wrists, and Minkyu steps in front of him, lit only by the light streaming through the door.

"You won't be able to fake your way out of this one, oh-two."

Something pricks Dongho's neck, and the thought of resistance occurs a few seconds too late. By the time he considers running, the door's shut, and the room's completely silent, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

"Dongho?"

No.

No, no, no-no-no-

* * *

"You think the entrance is in the subways?"

Minsoo stares across the table at Daehyun, awkwardness hanging in the air (and honestly, jaewon thinks, they need to talk this out) but neither party flinching.

"It's where it was in New York," Daehyun simply replies, hands clenched on the table in front of him. "It makes sense, y'know?"

"'cause it's underground and hard to access," Minsoo murmurs, more to himself than anyone else. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. How would we check, though?"

"Sneak in after dark and see if we're right," Daehyun bluntly replies, and Jaewon chokes on air. 

That's _incredibly_ illegal.

"Agreed," Minsoo simply states, and Jaewon kind of wants to scream. 

He doesn't.

But he wants to.

"I got black hoodies," Daehyun chips in, and Jaewon nods, pushing his panic down deep in his chest and ignoring it.

"Got it. When're we going?"

"Midnight," Minsoo replies, and Daehyun nods agreement. "Out the window."

"What about Black Mask?" Jaewon asks, and Minsoo shakes his head.

"Too soon. He doesn't come two days in a row, for some reason."

Weird.

 _Very_ weird, actually.

Still, Jaewon doesn't question it.

"Alright," he simply replies, pushing back his dye-slick hair. It covers his hands in the stuff, and he frowns, wiping them on his jeans. "Let's go, then."

Minsoo beams, and it's unchained, liberated, _ecstatic_. "Yeah!"

(jaewon missed that smile.)

* * *

"Hyung..."

"You're not real," Dongho rasps, though he's becoming less and less sure of that as time goes on.

"How could you say that?"

Daehyun's fingers brush his cheek, touch feather-light, and Dongho ducks his head, trying to rid himself of the sensation. "How can you call us fake, hyung?"

"Shut up. You're not Daehyun."

"Hyung, it's really me. Just... just because you can't see me, you think I'm not real?"

"Shut up."

"How... how can you say that, hyung? It's really me, can't you see?"

Dongho squeezes his eyes shut, trying to ignore the voice filling his ears. 

_Not real_.

"Hyung," and Daehyun's begging now, soft and harsh and _desperate_. "Hyung, hyung, please, it's really me."

"You're not real."

"Please," Daehyun breathes, and Dongho feels feather-light touches on his cheeks. "Please, hyung, it's really me."

"..."

"Why... why don't you believe me?"

"You're not real."

"Dongho..."

"Leave me alone."

"No! I'm not leaving you!"

"Dae..."

* * *

To the surprise of absolutely no-one, Daehyun's right on the money. 

They stare at the door for a moment (inconspicuously labelled "EMPLOYEE DOOR: DO NOT ENTER") before Minsoo brushes the doorknob, the lock clicking open within seconds.

"We're in," he grins, and Daehyun hums the Mission Impossible theme as the three of them sneak into the facility.

It's all white walls, white floors, _white white white_ , and Jaewon squints at the sterile lighting, utterly thrown by how _normal_ this all seems.

It just looks like some weird hospital, honestly.

And yet-

Minsoo's fingers brush over a dark smear on the wall, and he scowls, something dark settling in his eyes. "Split up. We're finding Dongho."

"Splitting up is a bad idea," Daehyun points out, and Minsoo's hands ball into fists. 

"You know- you _know_ we have to split up! What if- what if he's _dying_ , Dae? What- what if he's getting cut apart on some- some operating table?"

" _Breathe_ ," Daehyun murmurs, and Minsoo sucks in a shuddering breath, though it doesn't stop tremors from wracking his frame.

"You don't- we have to-"

" _Breathe_."

"We have to _go_ -"

As if on cue, a young man rounds the corner, and they freeze.

It's almost comical, the way the poor intern's eyes slowly widen, and before Minsoo can choke him into unconsciousness, he presses something in his pocket, and sirens start to wail.

"Fuck," Minsoo eloquently states, and the intern crumples to the floor like a wet paper towel.

"Yeah," Daehyun gasps, grabbing Minsoo and Jaewon's wrists and hauling them down the corridor, "we gotta go."

* * *

"You're a failure, Dongho."

"You're a murderer."

"Did you ever think we could love you?"

"Did you ever think you could make amends after all you've done?"

"You're a fool."

"You deserve to die."

Jaewon bends down in front of him, lips painted a brilliant cherry-red. "Isn't that right?"

"...shut up."

"What?"

"Shut the _fuck_ up."

"Or what?"

"You're going to kill us?"

"Isn't that the point?"

"You want to kill the only people who'll ever love you?"

"You're not them," Dongho spits, mind whirling between hundreds of shades of reality and insanity. "You're not them. _You're not real_."

Cold metal brushes his cheek, though he doesn't look away from the illusion's dark eyes.

"Of course we're them. Who else would we be?"

"You're hallucinations."

"Hm? Why do you think that?"

"Shut up. None of you are real."

"Oh, Dongho... you're losing your mind."

" _Shut the fuck up_!"

Sirens blare, and the wall's painted red.

The cuffs release, and Dongho staggers to his feet, mind whirling as lights fly across the walls. It's disorienting to the point of being sickening, and he blinks a few times, heart pounding as he stares at the cracked door. 

Out.

A way out.

"You're losing your mind," Minsoo beams, leaning against the door-frame. "Oh, Dongho..."

"Shut up."

He's not real.

Minsoo isn't here.

Minsoo isn't real.

He stumbles back to his cell in a daze, scooping up the dark helmet on autopilot.

Familiarity breeds contentment, someone once said. Or was it contempt?

It doesn't matter.

He pulls on the helmet, because the helmet's on and the helmet's real and Jaewon and Minsoo are laughing at him in the corner of his eye, and _they need to shut the fuck up_ -

The earth trembles, and Dongho grins - sickening, twisted, unhinged - and heads for the halls.

None of this is real.

* * *

"You go this way," Minsoo states, gesturing to the wall, "and I'll go this way. Jaigya, you wait here in case either of us need help."

"Calling me jaigya doesn't make me feel better," Jaewon frets, and Minsoo presses a gentle kiss to his cheek before sprinting off. "Ah..."

"I'll be back soon," Daehyun murmurs, pressing a kiss to Jaewon's other cheek before striding down his hall.

He passes a side hall-

and stops.

The side hall is covered in blood, and gunshot-craters speckle the walls, signs of death written in permanent ink.

What happened here?

Another gunshot rings through the air, and Daehyun freezes, pressing himself to the wall and inching closer to the room at the end of the hall. 

Someone's executing their underlings, most likely. They've been caught, and now they want to get rid of the evidence.

Daehyun steps in a pile of fresh blood, and he gags, a hand coming up to cover his mouth.

Not all the evidence.

He takes another step towards the door, pressing himself to the wall next to it, and he screws his eyes shut, summoning a blade of ice to his hand.

He's going to kill them.

He steps into the doorframe-

and stops.

Illuminated in the faint light from the hall, Dongho stands over the dead body of a vaguely familiar man, blood painting his scarred hands red and a pair of guns in their holsters. Daehyun can't see his face, but like this, devoid of any pretenses or things to hide, there's no mistaking it.

Black Mask is Dongho.

Dongho's a murderer. 

Daehyun thinks he's going to be sick.

"Oh, god..." he breathes, sucking in a breath. 

Dongho turns-

and if Daehyun had to describe his posture in one word, he'd say _deranged_.

* * *

When you cage a tiger and starve it to insanity, the tiger is eventually going to attempt to maul you.

It's only a shame Minkyu didn't realize that sooner.

Dongho lets the body fall from his scarred hands, holstering the gun once more as it flops into a pathetic heap.

Pathetic.

They're pathetic, this cell is pathetic, _Dongho is pathetic_ -

He'll take them out and off himself, he decides.

That's the perfect ending.

The hallucinogen is still working, based on the shadows crawling up the walls and the hysterical cackling filling the air, and Dongho wipes his hands off on his bodysuit, frowning when the red doesn't disappear.

Shame.

Shame, shame, shame.

Isn't it just a _crying shame_ that they're dead?

"Oh, god..."

Dongho turns, eyes widened in sadistic delight, and the hallucination in the door stumbles back, dark eyes wide in horror.

Daehyun.

But Daehyun's not real.

Not real.

None of this is real.

Fuck, Dongho's probably not even real.

"Dongho...?"

"Shut up," Dongho growls, and the collar around his neck buzzes threateningly (though there's nobody left to operate it). 

"Dongho, it's me-"

" _Shut the fuck up_!"

The hallucination ducks as Dongho fires off a round, taking off at a dead sprint down the hall. " _Jaewon_!"

Oh, Dongho thinks, tilting his head this way and that, his brain needs to _shut the fuck up_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh DEAR this was late
> 
> so sorry about that. i hope this makes up for it?
> 
> alternate titles: hit 'em right between the eyes/dance, fucker, dance
> 
> one of those may be next chapter's title. maybe.
> 
> sorry about irregular updates and the chapter of questionable quality but i'm always happy to chat in the comments :D
> 
> chapter title from exo's trouble


	51. dance, fucker, dance

_"Jaewon!"_

Jaewon's head whips up at the sound of Daehyun's scream, and he summons a ball of flames to his hand as he charges down the hall, fury already blanketing his mind.

Something's wrong.

Something's wrong, and Jaewon's far too smart to think Daehyun's found Dongho.

The ground trembles under him, and Jaewon blinks as Daehyun rounds the corner, crashing into his chest and sending them both tumbling to the floor. Before Jaewon can so much as blink, Daehyun hauls him to his feet, yanking him down the hall as the popping of gunfire fills the air.

"Wha-"

" _Run!_ "

The thud of footsteps follows them, and Jaewon plants his foot into the ground, using his momentum to swing himself around into a fire-coated kick. 

The man - Black Mask - grabs his ankle and yanks him forwards, and it's only by twisting in mid-air that Jaewon manages to avoid a bullet between the eyes.

The man slams him to the ground, and Jaewon blinks spots out of his vision before launching himself back to his feet, propelling himself off using the wall and hurling himself at his assailant, fire seeping from his mouth.

And _oh_ , Black Mask was going easy on them back then.

The man grabs his throat and slams him to the ground, and Jaewon rocks back, delivering a kick to the man's forehead with both feet. He releases his grasp, and Jaewon springs to his feet, barely taking a moment to breathe before he's charging at the man once more.

"Jaewon!"

Wind rushes around him, and Jaewon flies forwards at twice the speed, feet barely brushing the ground as he leaps towards the man. Black Mask grabs his wrist and flips him, his back slamming into the floor, and Jaewon blinks, stunned, as the man grasps Minsoo's hair and hurls him into the wall, a bullet following the movement.

Minsoo freezes the projectile in mid-air, but he's distracted, and Black Mask uses that to grasp his neck and slam him into the ground, the earth cracking with the force of it.

Jaewon charges at the man once more, flames spewing from his mouth as the man grips Minsoo's throat, but he runs straight into a wall of earth, the flames rebounding back at him and singeing his hair. Seconds later, a _whack_ breaks the air, and the earthen walls crumble, Jaewon taking immediate advantage of it and sprinting to Minsoo's side. His boyfriend rubs his throat, breath coming in quick gasps, but when he raises his head, conviction burns in his eyes.

"Firestorm."

"Are you sure?" Jaewon asks, and that moment of hesitation costs him.

Black Mask charges forwards, and Minsoo leaps out of the way as a fresh spray of bullets fly towards Jaewon's feet. He leaps back, though he trips on a small mound of earth, and he manages to roll out of the way seconds before bullets embed themselves in the ground where his head would've been. 

"Dongho!" Daehyun cries, and Black Mask's head snaps up, something crazed in his eyes.

"Shut the _fuck up_ -"

He charges forwards, and Minsoo tackles him, throwing him back with a gust of wind. Black Mask manages to get his feet under him, and he's immediately springing back at their leader, a knife in each hand.

Minsoo ducks under the first one, and Black Mask uses the distraction to drive the second through his shoulder, kicking Minsoo back once he's done. The silver-haired man hits the wall with a pained scream, and Jaewon sprints to his side, hurling fireballs at the assassin in hopes of keeping him occupied.

"Firestorm," Minsoo gasps, and Jaewon stares at the man at the other end of the hall, unable to separate Black Mask from Dongho.

"Are you sure?"

" _Yes_."

"No!" Daehyun screams, but his voice is lost to the immediate rush of wind that fills the corridor. Minsoo's hair whips around his face, eyes alight with fury, and Jaewon stares at the figure at the end of the corridor for a moment before setting a flame.

_"Dongho!"_

Jaewon grasps Minsoo's hand-

and the world explodes in flame.

* * *

Dongho always knew he was going to die in the helmet.

He had no illusions, there. 

And yet now, seeing Daehyun standing there, one hand gripping his hoodie for dear life as he charges forwards-

death was closer than he thought.

Jaewon reaches over to grasp Minsoo's hand, and Dongho stares as the corridor erupts into flame.

The world seems to slow as the flames crash forwards, and Dongho doesn't move. He doesn't raise the earth, doesn't jump back, doesn't fire a round between Jaewon and Minsoo's eyes.

Because this is real.

This is real, and Dongho deserves to die.

He closes his eyes, summoning the happiest memory he can.

He's sitting on the arm of the couch, playing with Daehyun's hair, and his three boyfriends are all curled up like nesting dolls on the cushions, Jaewon on top of Daehyun on top of Minsoo. The air smells like woodsmoke, and Dongho stares out the window, hope making a home in his chest.

Daehyun smiles at him, and Dongho's hand stills for an instant before the younger asks him to continue, the tension draining from his lanky form as Dongho's nails scratch against his scalp.

They talk, and Daehyun smiles up at him once more as Dongho hops off the arm of the couch, heading for the kitchen in hopes of scrounging up something edible. While the water boils, he heads back over to his boyfriends, and they're all asleep, a tangled pile of limbs and multi-colored hair.

And in that moment, Dongho knows he loves them.

In that moment, Dongho knows he loves them enough to kill for them, loves them enough to die for them, loves them enough to do anything for them.

And when Minsoo smiles up at him moments later, one hand in Daehyun's hair and the other sticking out for Dongho to take, he takes it.

That was a perfect day, Dongho thinks, and for an instant, when he inhales, he thinks he can smell woodsmoke.

That was a perfect day.

In the next moment, the flames crash over him, and he stops thinking of anything.

* * *

They go flying back, Minsoo crashing into Daehyun and Jaewon flopping on the ground like a particularly pathetic fish. There's a ringing in the air, and Jaewon pushes himself upright on jello-like arms, blinking a few times to clear the spots from the vision.

Minsoo's lying in Daehyun's arms, and as Jaewon watches, the youngest all but shoves him out of his arms, stumbling to his feet with horror shining in his eyes.

"No, no, no..."

Jaewon can see Black Mask's slumped form at the other end of the hall, and he struggles to his feet, following Daehyun at a much slower pace.

The man's helmet is cracked and burned, and as Jaewon watches, Dongho shoves it off, revealing a familiar face.

Horribly familiar.

Even half-burned, even with too-long hair and sunken cheeks-

Jaewon knows that face.

Daehyun _screams_ , a broken, tortured wail, and he presses his forehead to Dongho's, tears dripping off his cheeks and onto the elder's. Jaewon stares at his boyfriend for a moment - at the mangled mess of burns that is his torso and legs - and nearly throws up at the sight.

"Why didn't he block?" he whispers to no-one, his voice the only sound besides Daehyun's tortured wails. "Why... why didn't he block?"

Daehyun raises his head, tears streaming down his cheeks, and he clings even tighter to Dongho, as if that could fix this. "Hyung," he gasps, and it's broken, raw, _betrayed_ , "hyung, I can't- he isn't-"

No.

No, no, no.

Jaewon falls to his knees, hand flying to Dongho's neck in search of a pulse.

There has to be one. There _has to be one_.

He can't find one.

Jaewon reaches over to grip Dongho's hand, and he freezes as his eyes land on one particular thing.

A ring.

 _Daehyun's ring_.

And with that, the dam breaks.

Jaewon chokes on a wail, pressing his forehead to the appendage as though that'll make things better, as though it's an apology, as though _it'll bring Dongho back_ -

but his hand is so cold, and the metal is so cold, and Dongho isn't breathing.

Dongho isn't breathing, and it's his fault.

Jaewon did this.

Jaewon killed his boyfriend.

Oh, _god_.

"Hyung," Daehyun chokes out, nails digging into the torn fabric of Dongho's bodysuit. "Hyung, wake... wake up. I... I came back! Like I promised! I came back, and I promised, so... so you have to wake up. You have to... you have to wake up, Dongho. You _have to_ -"

He can't finish his sentence, and he bursts into tears, the droplets dripping off his chin and landing on Dongho's mangled face. " _Hyung_ -"

Soft taps ring through the air, and Jaewon turns, gaze landing on Minsoo. He's leaning against the wall, his hand pressed to his bleeding shoulder and hair hanging in his eyes, small gasps escaping his lips.

"Dae-"

"This is your fault!" Daehyun shrieks, and Jaewon flinches as their youngest jolts to his feet, Dongho's body (body, body, _he's dead he's fucking dead Jaewon killed him_ ) clutched in his grasp. "You- you- _this is your fault_!"

Minsoo stares at him - at Dongho's scarred and burned body clutched in Daehyun's trembling arms - and he falls to his knees, horror shining in his eyes. "Oh, god," he breathes, and Daehyun chokes on a fresh wail, pressing his forehead to Dongho's as tears wrack his frame.

Dongho's skinnier than Daehyun, Jaewon realizes, gaze landing on his boyfriend's skeletal wrists.

How did this happen?

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Minsoo rasps, and Daehyun laughs - high and hysterical.

"So you were fine with killing someone as long as it wasn't Dongho?"

"Of course!" Minsoo shouts, fresh fury burning in his eyes. "It's _Black Mask_! He shot you, he killed Sungmin, he's tried to murder every one of us _multiple_ times-"

"He's _Dongho_!" Daehyun shrieks, voice breaking on the second syllable. "I don't _care_ what he's done, I don't _care_ , because he saved my life and he never shot me and I _still love him_!"

He raises his head, tears carving paths down his cheeks. "Don't you?"

Minsoo falls silent, and that's all the answer Daehyun needs.

" _No_ ," the youngest wails, the single word managing to contain a lifetime's worth of emotions and feelings and _love_. "No, no, no-"

Jaewon steps back, unsure of where to stand (because what minsoo said is unforgivable, but daehyun's grief is sharp and flooding) and, as it turns out, he doesn't have to.

When Daehyun next opens his eyes, they're a brilliant blue.

A wave sends Jaewon flying back, and he can hear Minsoo's startled shout through the harsh roar of the ocean. The waves slam him into a door, and he groans, reaching up to rub the back of his head as he squeezes his eyes shut.

This, Jaewon thinks, is a storm.

He's seen Minsoo lose control before, seen it happen to himself, but he's _never_ seen Daehyun like this - crazed and broken and _splintered_ , psyche shattered with grief and desperation.

"Daehyun!" Minsoo screams, voice snatched away by the wind. "Daehyun, stop!"

Water crashes over the scorched walls, and Jaewon chokes as a fresh wave slams into his mouth, spitting the excess water on the floor. There's _so much water_ , all pouring out of Daehyun, and the waves have risen high enough that Jaewon can't see any part of Daehyun or Dongho. 

"Daehyun!" Jaewon shouts, taking a step forwards before a fresh wave slams him into the tile. The water's pooling around his thighs, now, and even though Minsoo's hovering above it, the leader's still drenched - silver hair stuck to his cheeks and desperation shining in his eyes.

"Stop!" the leader screams, and Jaewon watches as Daehyun stands, movements twisted, forced, _unnatural_.

He whispers something, head bowed over Dongho's limp form before it snaps up, revealing his eyes.

They glow an unearthly, inhuman blue, and Jaewon knows now with a sickening certainty that _Daehyun is not in control_.

" _I can't accept this_!" the thing controlling Daehyun shrieks, and the last thing Jaewon sees before the waves envelop him is a brilliant light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry
> 
> i figured i'd surprise you with the content instead of the title haha
> 
> the difference between can’t and won’t is so funny in this context and i chose can’t for a reason so make of that what you will
> 
> comments fuel me :) just sayin
> 
> chapter title from you're gonna go far kid


	52. when we see each other again, i don't wanna cry

Everything hurts.

It hurts, and it's cold and hot and hurts so many different ways, and it feels like Daehyun's being torn apart, feels like he's tearing himself apart, but he _can't accept a world without Dongho_.

He throws his head back and screams, the water whipping around him, and as light flashes, he falls.

* * *

"Dae!"

"Go 'way," Daehyun mumbles, burrowing deeper into the sheets.

"Dae-Dae," the person sing-songs, and Daehyun bats them away as the person leans in to press a kiss to his cheek. "C'mon, baby, it's time to get up."

"Go away," Daehyun repeats, eyes slitting open to stare at the intruder. " _Hyung_ -"

Minsoo grins, flopping on top of him. "Then I'll just come and join you!"

" _No_ ," Daehyun whines, squirming as Minsoo worms his way under the covers. "No, Minsoo, you're _cold_ -"

"I am," Minsoo gleefully agrees, and Daehyun whines once more as Minsoo plants kisses along his neck. "Are you gonna wake up now or do I have to drag you out of bed like Jaewon?"

"Fine," Daehyun pouts, rolling out from under Minsoo and flopping to the floor like a chronically depressed fish. "I'm up, I'm up..."

"Always works," Minsoo gleefully replies, cocooning himself in Daehyun's blankets. He's turned himself into a blanket burrito, and Daehyun pouts, leaning forwards to press a kiss to the space between his brows.

"Why do you get to sleep and I don't?"

"Because I'm the oldest," Minsoo points out, and Daehyun flicks his forehead. "Ow!"

Daehyun jogs towards the kitchen, eyes lighting up once he catches sight of Jaewon. "Jaigya!"

Jaewon blinks at him, an apron wrapped around his waist and hair hanging in his eyes. "Hm?"

"Morning," Daehyun grins, and for the life of him, he can't explain why he's so glad to see his boyfriend. 

He drapes himself over the redhead's back, pressing his nose to the man's neck and wrapping his arms around his waist. "Mmm... mornin'..."

"Morning," Jaewon grins, leaning back to press a quick kiss to his lips. "Pancakes're gonna be done soon."

"Ooh," Daehyun hums, not loosening his grip in the slightest.

They spend a few minutes in amicable silence before Minsoo bounds in, Daehyun's hoodie hanging at his knees and lips pursed in a pout. "What? You didn't invite me?"

"It wasn't an invitation thing," Jaewon defends, and Daehyun just nods.

"The _betrayal_ ," Minsoo huffs, moving to hover in front of Jaewon. "I am betrayed. I require kisses to make up for this _horrific betrayal_."

Jaewon stands on his tip-toes to press a kiss to Minsoo's forehead, cheeks dusted with brilliant pink. "How's that?"

"Now my lips are cold," Minsoo grins, and Daehyun reaches over to shove him out of the air. " _Hey_ -"

"You're gonna get burned," Daehyun states, and Minsoo shoots him a loving glare (and if anyone could make that exist, it _would_ be lee minsoo) before taking a seat on the counter. "I can't heal you all the time!"

"That was one time-"

"No cliff jumping," Jaewon sighs, voice carrying all the exhaustion of an overworked mom of four. "I almost had a heart attack when I saw you last time..."

"I can fly," Minsoo points out, and Daehyun nods.

"Yeah, and I can control water-"

Jaewon sighs once more, and Daehyun decides to drop it.

* * *

The sea air fills Daehyun's nose, and he sighs, tilting his head back to stare into the sky. 

This is nice.

This is so, so nice.

"Hey," Jaewon murmurs, drifting forwards to press himself against Daehyun's back. The metal of his rings feel shockingly cold against Daehyun's stomach, and he places his unblemished hand over Jaewon's scarred one, lips curling into a gentle smile.

"Hey. What's up?"

"Oh, y'know," Jaewon murmurs, voice barely louder than the distant waves. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

Jaewon huffs a laugh, head coming to rest between Daehyun's shoulder-blades. "Life. Nature. Happiness."

"Well," Daehyun replies, leaning back into Jaewon's touch, "I'm pretty happy right here."

 _Lie_.

There's something missing - a gnawing ache in his gut that's only grown harder to ignore. 

Something's wrong.

"You're stressed," Jaewon notes, pulling back to eye him with concern. "What's wrong?"

"Do you ever feel like something's missing?" Daehyun replies, and Jaewon hesitates for a moment before nodding. 

"...sometimes. I miss Jun-ah, and I miss my mom, and I miss Korea."

Not _home_ , Daehyun notes, but _Korea_.

"But I'm really happy here, Daehyun. As... as happy as I ever could be."

 _Lie_.

And yet, Daehyun doesn't mention it.

He simply stands there, feet in the sand and gaze pinned on the distant sea.

* * *

Daehyun sits on the deck, hair hanging in his eyes and hands occupied with tuning his guitar. Sharp, flat, sharp, _there_ , and he strums it once, experimentally.

Perfect.

"You're playing?" Minsoo asks, and Daehyun raises his head to stare at the eldest, his legs swinging through the air from his position on the railing.

"Yeah. You wanna hear?"

"You need to ask?"

Minsoo has a lovely singing voice, Daehyun thinks, eyes drifting shut as his fingers start to move. It's a shame he doesn't sing more.

He runs through a myriad of songs, switching between English and Korean on a whim. Occasionally, Minsoo sings along with him, feather-light voice lilting and melodic, and _oh_ , Daehyun loves his voice.

At some point, Jaewon joins them, sitting at their outdoor table in his pajamas, and they sit out there for what must be hours, the sunset creeping into late night as Daehyun's fingers dance over the frets. 

These songs would be nicer with a piano, Daehyun thinks. 

By the time the last song comes around, Daehyun's fingers ache from strumming, and his throat is sore from singing. Nonetheless, there's a feeling of warmth even in the cool ocean breeze, and Daehyun wouldn't trade it for a thing.

( _lie._ )

His fingers find the opening chord to a familiar song, and Jaewon grins, pulling his feet onto the chair and resting his chin on his knee.

"You have to sing this one," Daehyun hums, and Minsoo laughs, bright and surprised. 

_"Because I love you... because saying I love you isn't enough..."_

Minsoo was always one of the brightest among them, Daehyun thinks. Scatterbrained, yes, but determined and passionate and _oh so brilliant_.

God, he loves him.

* * *

_"Would you trade this?"_

The vision flickers away, replaced with the whirling storm around him, and Daehyun ducks his head, staring at the figure in his grasp.

"I..."

* * *

"Babe," Daehyun grins, resting his chin on his hand, "it's just your brother."

"That's not the point," Minsoo huffs, and Daehyun raises his hands in surrender. "This has to be perfect! This house has to be perfect! Perfect-er than perfect!"

"So you're going to finally dismantle the clothing ecosystem?"

"Yes," Minsoo sulks, lips pursing into a pout. "I will dismantle Clothing-Land."

"Great," Daehyun beams, rounding the table to press a kiss to his cheek. "Jaewon's already making up the guest bedroom, and I'm gonna get started on dinner. Try to not break any mirrors today, hmm?"

" _Yes_ ," Minsoo groans, pout deepening, and Daehyun grins, heading off to the kitchen.

The meal's simple enough - no elaborate moving fires like Jaewon favors - but it brings Daehyun comfort nonetheless. It's comfort food, as most of their dinners are, and Daehyun absolutely adores making it.

Waves of water dance around the kitchen, ingredients suspended in bubbles, and Daehyun orchestrates them like one would a band, gesturing for them to move here and there. With his powers unchained, streams of water flow through the kitchen, some utilitarian and some simply for the fun of it.

And it _is_ fun. Daehyun should make that absolutely clear.

"Heading out!" Minsoo shouts, and Daehyun raises a hand in farewell before turning his attention back to the food.

He's not sure how much time passes, but eventually, the door clicks back open, and Daehyun shuffles all the food into its proper place, the water tendrils swirling down the sink and the food depositing itself on the plate. "Hey!" he calls, leaning over to wave a hello before turning his attention back to the plates. "It's great to see you!"

"Hey, Daehyun-ah," Minsung smiles, and Minsoo seems to be a potent mixture of excited and terrified. "You guys have a nice place here."

"Isn't it?" Daehyun enthuses, carrying two plates to the table. "I did most of the decorating."

"I did some!" Minsoo huffs, and Daehyun grins.

"Minsoo designed the studio. He's very proud of it."

"Wha- _I did a good job_!"

"You did!" 

"Why do you sound so patronizing?"

"How can I _not_?"

"Guys," Jaewon weakly cuts in, and three heads turn to stare at him. "Ah, Minsung-hyung, you're here! I can take your bags."

"Thank you," Minsung smiles, and Daehyun can see his thoughts written all over his face.

_"I just left this shit in Korea, and I have to do it again?"_

* * *

Surprisingly, dinner goes... well.

Decently well. Well in the sense that no plates are broken, nothing spontaneously catches fire, and Minsung doesn't book the soonest possible flight back to Korea.

Almost as soon as dinner's done, Minsung excuses himself, and when Daehyun goes to check on him ten minutes later, he's dead to the world, face mashed into his pillow and limbs splayed across the sheets.

Korea's Top Soloist, right here, drooling on his pillow.

Daehyun almost laughs.

As it is, he goes back to the kitchen to clean the dishes, though it's really more cleaning and fretting. That is to say, Minsoo's fretting.

"What if this goes badly?" the eldest frets, taking another bite of his aptly-named stress cookies. "What if he decides we should cut all ties and that I'm a failure to the family?"

"He won't decide that," Jaewon assures him, and Minsoo slams his face into the table.

Better than slamming the table into his face, at least.

"But _what if_?" he asks, voice muffled by the wood, and Jaewon reaches over to pat his back.

"If he does," Daehyun interjects, shooting the pair a warm smile, "we'll talk it out, hmm?"

"Yeah," Minsoo mumbles, leaning into Jaewon's side. "I'm overreacting..."

Daehyun turns his attention back to the dishes, secure in the knowledge that Jaewon can handle this, but even as he scrubs, the gnawing feeling of _missing_ won't quite go away.

It's only when his hands fall still that he realizes he's crying, and he reaches up to scrub his cheeks, blinking a few times to banish the stinging in his eyes.

What is he missing?

When the three of them crawl into bed, that feeling of _missing_ rears its ugly head again, but Daehyun ignores it.

He ignores it and focuses on the warmth of Minsoo and Jaewon around him, focuses on the two people he loves most in the world, because _they're okay_.

* * *

_"Would you trade this for him?"_

"..."

* * *

"I love you."

Minsoo reaches up to brush a lock of hair behind his ear, lips curled into a gentle smile. "I love you so much, Dae."

Daehyun stares at him, at a loss for words. "Min..."

"I love you too," Jaewon adds, and Daehyun's gaze flits to his boyfriend's amber eyes, happiness sparkling in their depth.

"Ah," Daehyun teases, lips curling into a grin, "what's this about?"

"Minsoo and I were talking... and we wanted to get married."

Daehyun freezes.

"Not- not _legally_ , but... in the way we can. Whatever way we can."

"You're doing this wrong," Minsoo pouts, but he's grinning nonetheless. "What we wanna say is - Daehyun, will you marry us?"

"Yes," Daehyun whispers, the word coming without hesitation.

There's never been any hesitation here.

Not with them, not in this pocket of happiness they've managed to carve out for themselves.

"A million times, yes."

Minsoo laughs, bright and delighted, and he presses a kiss to Daehyun's lips before wrapping him in a tight hug. "Oh, Dae-"

Jaewon leans in to give him a kiss as well, and Minsoo pulls him into the hug, gripping them both as tightly as he can.

It's a perfect moment, Daehyun thinks - the three of them kneeling on their porch, the sun setting and the breeze gentle.

And _oh_ , Daehyun loves them.

* * *

_"Would you trade all of this for him?"_

"..."

* * *

Of course Minsoo would want to wear a dress.

Still, Daehyun thinks, staring at the pearls woven through his boyfriend's (husband's) hair, he looks stunning nonetheless.

It's a mock affair, and they know it, but fuck if the promises aren't real.

They exchange their vows, and Daehyun can't keep the smile off his face as Minsoo and Jaewon each slide another ring onto his finger, and as he does the same in turn.

He's just so blissfully, hopelessly _happy_.

That night, they curl close, close enough that an outsider would be unable to tell where one ends and the other begins, and they just lie there, basking in each other's presence.

Husbands.

Daehyun likes the sound of that.

"I love you," he whispers, words hanging in the silence of the room. "I love you both so, so much."

Minsoo gives him a lazy kiss on the cheek, and Jaewon curls into his chest, and Daehyun honestly doesn't think he's ever been this happy.

* * *

_"Would you trade that for him?"_

Daehyun raises his head, tears shimmering on his cheeks, and he closes his eyes.

"Every time."

Because that's the truth, isn't it?

If he could give Dongho even a fraction of that happiness, he'd die a million times.

And yet, he can't, so this is all he can do.

He dwells on a future that could've been for one moment more - lets himself linger between the sheets for an instant longer - and he threads his fingers through Dongho's matted hair, a loving, albeit heartbreaking smile slipping onto his lips. 

"I love you, hyung."

He bends down to press his lips to Dongho's-

and the storm stops.

Everything stops.

And slowly, slowly, Daehyun disappears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can thank chapter 17's comments for this twist
> 
> chapter title and in chapter song is don't wanna cry by seventeen


	53. if we could turn back time

Even before Dongho opens his eyes, he can tell something's wrong.

There's pressure on his arm - something warm - and he's lying on something soft, softer than the bed he's used to. Gentle breath wafts over his arm, and he slits his eyes open, gaze immediately landing on a head of red hair.

Jaewon.

What?

"...Jae?"

His voice comes out cracked and rasping, but it's enough.

Jaewon jolts upright, tears shining in his eyes, and he stares at Dongho like he's seen a ghost.

He probably has, Dongho thinks.

He's not sure why, but he's supposed to be dead.

"Hi," Dongho lamely replies, and Jaewon dives into his chest, wrapping his arms around Dongho's back and squeezing for dear life. " _Ack_ -"

"You idiot," Jaewon breathes, and Dongho winces as Jaewon's nails dig into his back. "You- you _idiot_. Why-"

He pulls back, swiping at his cheeks, and Dongho blinks wearily at him, unsure of what to say.

"...where's Dae?"

Jaewon's expression _crumples_ , and Dongho feels something cold settle in his gut.

"No."

Jaewon ducks his head, fiery strands falling in his eyes, and Dongho props himself up on his elbows, head swirling and world flickering like a strobe light. 

"No, no- where is he?"

He sounds desperate, stupid, _foolish_ , and a sob tears its way from Jaewon's throat, his hands coming up to press at his eyes. 

"Where is he, Jaewon?"

"Gone," Jaewon gasps, head shaking furiously. "He's- he's gone."

Dongho wracks his mind, reaching up to rake a hand through his hair, but all he can come up with is some scientists walking into his cell and flickers of darkness.

What happened?

His hand falls to his lap, and he blinks, stunned.

"What happened?"

He hates how small his voice sounds, hates the way Jaewon's looking at him, _hates hates hates_ all of this.

"You-"

Jaewon chokes on the words, lurching forwards to bury his face in Dongho's chest, and the eldest's arms come up on autopilot, one wrapping around Jaewon's back and the other hand coming to nestle in his hair. Jaewon _wails_ , tears and snot smearing over the fabric of Dongho's shirt, and Dongho pats his back, pressing his nose to Jaewon's hair.

He still smells like woodsmoke.

"You died," Jaewon gasps, and Dongho freezes.

Oh.

Oh.

"You- you died, and Dae- and it started raining, and- and when I woke up, you were just- just lying there, and- and he was _gone_ , and-"

"Breathe," Dongho murmurs, though he's almost certain he's forgotten how. 

Jaewon sucks in a shuddering breath, and Dongho tries not to wince when the edge of the bedspread catches flame. "I just- why, hyung?"

And that's the crux of the issue, isn't it?

No matter how much sense Dongho's reasons make to him, they're not ones Minsoo will accept.

"I had to," Dongho whispers, and Jaewon pulls away, hurt shining in his eyes.

"No, you didn't."

And how-

how the _hell_ can Dongho make them understand this?

"I had to," Dongho repeats, colder, more firm. "I had to."

"You killed Sungmin."

"Yeah."

"You shot Dae."

"I..."

Did he?

He can't remember.

"You tried to kill me."

Dongho's world tunnels.

_"Who..."_

_Not-Jaewon stares up at him, dark eyes shining with vulnerability, and one shaking hand rises to cover the wound in his gut._

_"Wh..."_

No.

No, no, no-no-no-

He hunches over, hands flying to his hair and nails digging into his scalp.

Real?

Not real?

Who's to say.

The pain is real. The pain is grounding.

_Daehyun's dead._

He knows.

He knows Daehyun's dead.

Knows what he did.

He can hear Jaewon screaming, but it's little more than a whisper over the panic crescendoing in his ears.

Breathe.

He has to breathe.

Someone slams him into the wall, and his reaction is immediate.

_In the dead of night - a knife to his side, blade cracking against the steel cot-_

Not real.

He kicks out, catching his assailant in the ribs, and a crack rings through the air as someone tackles him to the ground, sitting on his hips and pinning his hands above his head.

No.

No, no, no, he can't lose like this-

"Dongho!"

"Get off-"

He thrashes in his assailant's grip, straining against their grasp in hopes of reaching the knife strapped to his leg (he can't feel it but it's always there never leaves he can't be defenseless), but when he goes to suck in his next breath, he can't.

No.

His vision starts to darken, and he stares up at his attacker as consciousness slips from his fingers.

Minsoo.

Oh.

* * *

"What the fuck was that?"

Minsoo stands, stuffing his hands in his pockets and casting a distrustful glare at the man lying on the floor. "What happened?"

"I started asking him about what happened," Jaewon replies, voice laced with regret (he shouldn't feel regret about this) as he stares at Dongho's unconscious form. "I told him he tried to kill me, and he panicked, and you came in, and, well..."

Minsoo knows the rest.

"We need to tie him up," he states, gaze flickering to the windows. "And someone's going to wonder why an earthquake that bad happened in the first place."

Jaewon frowns, regret warring with concern. "I don't like that idea."

"It's our only option."

Daehyun would've thought of something better, Minsoo knows. 

But Daehyun's dead.

The statement wallops him like a two-by-four, and he sucks in a shuddering breath, hand coming up to cover his eyes. 

He's dead.

He's dead, and the only evidence he was ever alive is in their memories and Dongho's startlingly blue eye.

"Minsoo...?"

Jaewon's grieving too, Minsoo knows. Jaewon needs him to be strong, Minsoo _knows_.

He just-

can't, right now.

"I have to go," Minsoo whispers, and, like the coward he is, he runs.

The rooftops aren't the same as a motorcycle, aren't the same as moving on something faster than yourself, able to sate your gnawing wanderlust, but they're _something_. The wind whips by, chasing all thoughts from his mind, and if he tries, he can pretend.

He can pretend Dongho isn't a murderer with hundreds of bodies stacked behind him.

He can pretend Daehyun isn't dead.

He can pretend Jaewon isn't all he has left.

And he runs, runs faster than he ever has before, because even if he can't outrun his problems, he can still damn well try.

(of course, trying to outrun problems usually leads to others.)

* * *

Jaewon sits at Dongho's side, mind swirling.

What can he do?

He'd always held onto this delusion - this false belief that they just had to get back together, and then everything would be fine and great and perfect - but he can't maintain that any longer.

Daehyun's dead, and Dongho's fucked in the head, and Minsoo's running away again, and Jaewon-

lingers somewhere in the middle.

Not for the first time, he wishes he could've just- just never picked up that piece of rock. Died sooner, rather than later. 

God, he would give anything for one of those halcyon days. Just one more - one more day with the people he most loves.

Because, truth be told-

he doesn't know if there's any part of them left.

His gaze flits to Dongho - his hands cuffed to the headboard and expression screwed up in discomfort - and he wonders, not for the first time, if there's anything left to save.

How many screams does it take to break a person?

He reaches out - slowly, so slowly - and threads his fingers through his boyfriend's (is that even still true, though?) matted hair.

Dongho sighs, soft and vulnerable in a way Jaewon's only rarely seen him, and the sight tugs at something in his chest - a stringy, emaciated muscle dedicated to processing his feelings for his eldest hyung.

Not all is lost, he thinks, nails scratching at Dongho's scalp.

He still has Minsoo, and he still has Dongho.

That's something, isn't it?

(when he closes his eyes, sungmin's smile is imprinted on his eyelids.)

* * *

_"Hyung?"_

_Dongho stands on shaking legs, head whipping from side to side as he searches for the disembodied voice. He can't see him anywhere - Daehyun's nowhere to be found in this endless wasteland of cracked earth and bottomless chasms - and the realization aches._

_"Dae?"_

_Fingers brush against his back - feather-light - and he freezes, blood going cold._

_("Oh, Dongho... you're losing your mind.")_

_"Shut up."_

_"Hyung-"_

_And Daehyun's standing in front of him, shimmering and translucent, but Dongho can't see anything more than a drug-filled hallucination._

_"Get away from me!"_

_He's not sure if it's for Daehyun's protection or his own, but the sentence sticks regardless._

_Daehyun who isn't Daehyun who is takes a step back, horror shining in his eyes, and Dongho falls to his knees, fresh cracks running through the earth._

_"Dongho..."_

_"Leave me alone," Dongho begs, words coming out harsh and raw and broken. "Just- just stop."_

_"No."_

_Daehyun who was never Daehyun takes a seat in front of him, a gentle smile on his lips. "I'm not going when you need me."_

_Dongho laughs - sobs, maybe, but who's to tell? - and reaches up to tug on his hair before Daehyun catches his wrist._

_Bad-bad-bad-_

_"Don't touch me."_

_Daehyun's hand slowly retracts, and Dongho twirls a lock of hair around one finger - twist-twist-twist-twist-pull._

_"What are you?"_

_"Daehyun," the thing that pretends to be Daehyun replies, "but also not. Daehyun Lite?"_

_"Where's Daehyun?"_

_"Dead."_

_"I killed him."_

_"No."_

_"He's dead because of me. I should be dead."_

_"He made his own choices."_

_"I should be dead instead of him. I have nothing to live for."_

_"What about Jaewon? Minsoo?"_

_"They'd be happier with him instead of me."_

_"Well, tough shit, then. He's dead, and you're alive, so make the best of it."_

_"I don't want to be."_

_"Now you're just being childish."_

_Dongho frowns, taking a seat on the dry earth. A cloud of dust rises as he does, and the thing that wants to be Daehyun coughs, waving in front of his face as though that'll dispel the earth._

_"Are you a figment of my mind?"_

_"Why can't you accept I'm part of Daehyun?"_

_"Daehyun's dead."_

_"And magic's real," the thing deadpans, giving him sarcastic jazz hands. "Surprise."_

_Dongho feels the sudden and irrational urge to walk the fuck away._

_"Daehyun doesn't act like this."_

_"Would you rather I act more like him?"_

_"...no."_

_"I can, y'know. Dongho-hyung-"_

_"Shut the fuck up."_

_"Jeez, okay."_

_Daehyun(?) gazes out at the cracked earth, a long sigh escaping his lips, and he leans over to rest his head on Dongho's shoulder._

_Dongho considers it a rather impressive show of restraint that he doesn't absolutely deck him._

_"Why is it so cracked?" he asks instead, and Daehyun huffs, lips curling into a half-grin._

_"It's your mind's landscape."_

_"Ah."_

_That explains far more than it ought to._

_"You're here to fix it."_

_"Yep."_

_"To fix me."_

_"Yep."_

_"Because I'm dangerous."_

_"Mhm."_

_"You're very descriptive in your replies."_

_"Thanks, I try."_

_Dongho huffs a laugh - an unfamiliar action - and he instinctively tenses, waiting for the shock that follows._

_There's nothing._

_Oh._

_"You don't have to be afraid anymore," Daehyun murmurs, and Dongho pulls his knees to his chest, gazing out at the endless landscape._

_"...yeah. Thanks."_

_It's a meaningless phrase, but he appreciates the intentions._

* * *

"What are you doing?"

Jaewon leans against the door, gaze pinned on Minsoo's hunched-over form, and the silver-haired man raises his head, an expression on his face that Jaewon can only call _haunted._

"I'm packing our bags," he states, as though it's obvious, and Jaewon frowns.

"Why?"

"We have to leave the country. They're not going to stop hunting us, Jaewon."

"Wha-"

"I saw them outside. A few blocks away. They know we have Dongho. We have to leave."

Jaewon stares at the bags on the ground, and counts them.

_One-two._

Two.

"I'm not leaving Dongho behind."

" _That_ isn't Dongho, Jaewon. That's- that's a _weapon_. Black Mask."

" _Dongho_ ," Jaewon insists, because Minsoo fixating on the Black Mask side of their dark-haired boyfriend is just as dangerous as Daehyun fixating on Dongho.

Same person, two sides.

You can't take Batman and Bruce Wayne as separate entities.

"He's Black Mask," Jaewon breathes, every word burning his lips ( _sungmin sungmin he killed sungmin he shot sungmin dead_ ) but a necessary evil, "but I still love him."

"I don't."

Jaewon freezes, blood running cold, and he shakes his head. "You don't- you don't mean that-"

"I wish he was dead," Minsoo replies, and _never_ has Jaewon heard this level of empty cruelty in his boyfriend's voice. "He should be dead. He should be dead, and Daehyun should be here, and we should be at work, and none of this shit should be _happening_ -"

"Min-"

"I wish he was dead!" Minsoo shouts, and Jaewon's gaze flits to the bedroom, heart pounding in his chest. "Do you want me to say it to his face?"

"Minsoo-"

"He should be dead!" Minsoo screams, and Jaewon ducks as a vase flies across the room. "Goddammit- _he should be dead_!"

With that, his head droops, and he leans against the wall, a snake drained of venom. "Daehyun should be here," he whispers, voice breaking on the last word, and Jaewon nods, hands balling into fists at his side. 

"...you're right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are some things you can't take back
> 
> murder and wishing someone dead are two of them
> 
> chapter title from wayv's turn back time


	54. seven months, two weeks, and seven days

It's dark out.

Rain drips from the sky, lazy amidst the darkness, and he flicks his knife in a quick circle, crimson splattering over the pavement.

It's enough.

The body behind him bleeds crimson over the earth, and he steps forwards, sheathing his knife and bending in front of the man.

"Do you remember me?"

The man stares at him, the fear of the dying shining in his eyes, and he smiles, sharp and predatory.

"I remember you. Kim Sungjin. You were there, you know. I watched you."

Understanding dawns on the man, tears dripping down his cheek. "You... you _monster_ ," he gasps, a desperate plea, and he stands, digging the heel of his boot into the man's temple.

"Shut up."

"You're- you're the experiment. Oh-two-"

He increases the pressure, and the man laughs, short and bark-like.

"You really are a monster."

In one fluid motion, he withdraws his gun, clicks off the safety, and shoots the man through the skull.

Crimson splatters over his boots, and he sighs, sliding the gun back into the safety of his jacket.

Only three left, now.

Three left, and then he can die.

"When I said mental healing, this wasn't what I had in mind."

Daehyun's translucent figure leans against the wall, gaze dark, and he shakes his head, raking a hand through his hair. 

"I know."

"This isn't what I wanted, Dongho."

"I don't care."

"I never wanted this."

"I know."

"So why...?"

"I have to stop them," he simply replies, casting his gaze up at the sky. "Or else nobody will."

There are no stars.

* * *

_"...yet another prominent businessman was found murdered on the streets of Seoul last night, leaving many to believe there's a serial killer on the streets..."_

"Thank you for coming!"

Jaewon drops into a quick bow, a gentle smile on his lips, and next to him, Emily barks a laugh.

"Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

" _Bow_ ," she emphasizes, waving her hand wildly. "Y'know? The whole bowing thing..."

"It's, ah... polite?"

"You're in the middle of bumfuck Colorado," she quips, casting her gaze out the window. "Ain't nobody polite around here."

Not for the first time, Jaewon wonders how Minsoo made these friends.

Objectively, he knows - he knows Minsoo spent time traversing the U.S., knows he made friends in multiple states - but Emily and Nick are certainly... interesting people.

(emily reminds him so painfully of jun.)

"People're polite," Nick points out, leaning against the counter with a teasing grin. "Just not you."

"Aw, fuck off, Nick."

"You sure 'bout that?"

"Pretty fuckin' sure."

"You love me~"

"Choke, you candy-ass piece of shit."

"So you acknowledge my ass?"

"Oh my _god_ , Nick, you _suck_."

"You swallow."

"You _dick_ -"

"Hey," someone cuts in, and Jaewon turns, gaze landing on Minsoo. 

His boyfriend's sitting on the counter, long hair pulled back into a small bun and lips curled into a teasing grin. His goggles are still on his head, his jacket hanging off his shoulders, and Jaewon would be more concerned if it wasn't a fashion statement.

"Hey," Jaewon beams, and Minsoo laughs, leaning forwards to press a kiss to his lips.

"Oh my god," Emily groans, waving them off, "take your disgusting coupleness away from here."

"You just hate that we're in _love_ ," Minsoo teases, and Emily nods fervently.

"Yes! I do! Take your coupleness out of this shop!"

"But I'm your number one customer," Minsoo whines, and Emily rolls her eyes.

"Number one freeloader, maybe."

"He still pays, like, seventy percent of the time," Nick points out, and Emily throws her hands in the air.

"Exactly! It should be one hundred! You're taking money from our paychecks!"

"I am _not_!"

"You totally are!"

Minsoo tosses his head, mock-affronted. "How dare you? I would _never_ steal!"

" _You stole the rings,_ " Jaewon reminds him, slipping back into Korean, and Minsoo snorts.

"Okay," Emily scowls, "that's just rude."

"Korean is hard," Nick whines, sliding off the counter and disappearing into the back room. 

"You're just shit at languages, Nicky-boy," Minsoo calls, and Nick leans out to shoot fingerguns at him.

"So," Emily continues, drumming her fingers on the countertop, "you're here to pick up your boyfriend?"

"Exactly."

"Take him," Emily sighs, resting her chin on her hands. "Nobody's comin' in here for a while still. You guys should go- go do your gross coupley thing outside the diner."

Minsoo leans in to peck Jaewon on the cheek, and Emily throws a sugar packet at them.

* * *

It's snowing when they leave, and Jaewon shivers despite himself, his waiter's uniform not doing much to protect him from the cold. Minsoo shucks off his snowboarding jacket, draping it over Jaewon's shoulders, and the younger shoots a grateful glance at him, drawing the fabric tight over his shoulders. 

"So," Minsoo teases, leaning in to peck his cheek, "wanna go to the fire?"

"God, yes."

The communal fireplace is down to embers by the time they arrive, a few people milling around with hot chocolate in their hands. Jaewon heads for the pile, snuffing out the flames before stacking up some logs, and he breathes a few sparks at it until it catches.

Nobody bats an eye.

"You're cold all the time," Minsoo laughs, watching as Jaewon all but sticks his hands in the fire. "Christ, _jaigya_..."

"I can be cold if I want to," Jaewon mumbles, lapsing back into Korean. "Why is it so cold?"

"It's _refreshing_ ," Minsoo insists, and Jaewon laughs, light and bubbly.

"I'm so glad you're happy here, Min."

Minsoo leans over to press a quick kiss to Jaewon's lips before he slides closer, pressing himself as close to the younger as he can. "I'm glad you're happy, too."

"...did you see the news report?"

"The one about the killings in Seoul?"

"Mhm."

"Yeah."

"I'm worried," Jaewon mumbles, leaning in to rest his head on Minsoo's shoulder. "About Dongho-hyung."

Minsoo stiffens at the name, and Jaewon sighs, condensation slipping through his lips. "I know... I know you don't wanna think about him, but he disappeared, and I-"

"He's a grown man," Minsoo grits out, nails digging into the fabric of his jeans. "He can do what he wants."

"I know," Jaewon murmurs, but Minsoo knows what he isn't saying.

_"I miss him. I miss him and Daehyun. I miss them both so, so much."_

"Do you think it could be him?"

"It is," Minsoo simply replies, because any amount of belief he had in Dongho has long-since evaporated. "I know it is."

"...shouldn't we go back and help him?"

Jaewon's eyes are dark, wide - searching - and Minsoo shakes his head.

"No."

God, how foolish he was to think that Jaewon wouldn't go anyways.

* * *

Dongho lands on the fire escape with little more than a soft "tmp", cracking open the window and crawling inside.

The apartment's a shithole, sure, but it's _his_ shithole. His shithole, with his bandages and thread and worn-out copies of Shakespeare.

( _"one of these things is not like the others,"_ the ghost of minsoo whispers, and he shakes his head to clear it.)

"Revenge isn't going to fix anything," Daehyun murmurs, and Dongho turns, meeting the hallucination's sharp-eyed gaze. "This was never what I wanted."

"What did you want?" Dongho all but demands, voice laced with venom. "What did you think dying was going to solve?"

"I'm not Daehyun," the hallucination replies, hopping up to sit on the edge of his desk. "I can't tell you what he thought."

Dongho rakes a hand through his hair, letting the dark strands fall in his eyes once more. "Then why are you here?"

"To remind you that you're making a mistake."

"I know _that_."

"Then why won't you do anything about it?"

Dongho shakes his head, heading for the beaten-up couch. "Doesn't matter."

"Dongho."

"Daehyun."

"Are you really going to kill yourself after this?"

"We've been over this," Dongho reminds him, cracking open a book. "Yes."

"But you're doing so much better!"

"Point oh-one still isn't close to one."

"But it's better than zero."

Daehyun takes a seat next to him, and for a moment, Dongho can imagine that things are as they were - can imagine that they were all _happy_. "I hate seeing you like this," Daehyun murmurs, and Dongho keeps his gaze pinned on the words on the page, unseeing. "I just... I want you to be happy, hyung."

"That explains it, then," Dongho simply replies, flipping the page. "That's not what I want."

* * *

"Lemme get this straight."

Emily leans forwards, resting her elbows on the counter. "You want to leave your boyfriend and job in Colorado to try and _sneak in_ to Korea to try and track down your other, murderous boyfriend and do _what_?"

"Bring him home," Jaewon simply replies, and Emily sighs.

"You're fucking insane. You're actually batshit. Fuckin' Christ, Jaewon, what the fuck're you thinking?"

"I have to," Jaewon replies, and Emily makes a small sort of screaming sound.

"You're going to die."

"I let him down once before," Jaewon murmurs, pulling out his phone and clicking it on.

The lockscreen still makes his heart ache, honestly. It's a photo of the four of them from back before things went bad, taken by Minsoo and sent to the rest of them. Minsoo and Daehyun sit on either side of Jaewon, and Dongho leans over the back of the couch, giving the camera a tiny grin as he rests his chin on Jaewon's head.

His heart aches every time he sees it.

"I can't let him down again."

He knows the reason Dongho disappeared that night was because of him, because he didn't fight Minsoo, was because of what he said, but as the last seven months have crept by, Jaewon's finding he _does not care_.

Despite it all, he still loves Dongho.

That may be the biggest mistake of his life, but Jaewon still loves Dongho. 

He runs his thumb over the emerald leaf hanging from his neck, a fresh wave of grief washing over him.

He loves Dongho, and somehow, he doesn't think that's going to change.

"Fuck," Emily eloquently replies, resting her chin on her hand. She reaches up to tuck a few strands of loose blond hair behind her ear, scowling as a few more fall loose, and soon abandoning the endeavor. "What do you want me to tell Minsoo?"

"...I don't know."

"But you know you're leaving?"

"I have to," Jaewon replies, memories flashing in his mind. "I can't... I can't fail him again."

"A'ight, then."

Emily grins, sharp and mischievous. "Let's figure out how to get you to the airport."

* * *

Jun leans against the counter, a long, drawn-out sigh escaping his lips.

Never let it be said that he hates slow days.

After all, this way, he's getting paid to stand here. He can't imagine much better than that.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he pulls it out, frowning upon seeing an unfamiliar number.

* * *

_**xxx-xxx-xxxx** _

Hey, Junnie-yah (^U^)  
It's Jaewon.  
Are you staying safe?

* * *

"What the fuck?" Jun simply states, swiping open his phone and typing out a quick reply.

* * *

_**xxx-xxx-xxxx** _

jaewon?  
what the fuck  
literally  
what the fuck  
where the fuck are you

Um...  
The US?  
^^;

you're fucking kidding

Aha...

what the fuck do you want  
after seven months  
it'd better be the best fuckin  
excuse ever

Actually, it is.  
I'm coming back to Korea.

are you smoking crack  
is crack what you are smoking  
you don't just  
"come back to korea"  
you're literally a wanted fugitive  
you don't just  
"come back to korea"  
loot de doot through customs  
that's not how this works

...  
I have a plan for that :D  
It's legal!  
Actually.

i don't believe you at all

Can I stay with you when I get  
there?

you're an idiot  
literally what the fuck

(^U^||)

what the fuck is that  
ugh  
when are you gonna be here  
i'll set up the couch

Uh.  
Twelve hours?

aHN JAEWON YOU FUCKIN  
WHAT

Haha...

YOU  
GAH  
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU  
IF YOU BRING THE SPARKLY  
BASTARD I WILL KILL HIM  
TOO

Thanks, Junnie! ^^

SHUT UP AND LET ME WORK

* * *

Jun slams his head into the counter and groans, long and drawn-out.

"Tough day?" Taehyuk asks, leaning against the counter, and Jun shakes his head.

"Just Ahn fucking Jaewon and his bullshit again."

"...hm. We're not getting that dresser this weekend, are we?"

"Depends on how large the manhunt for him is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lateness (and ocs)
> 
> i had the idea of minsoo having friends in america for a while and this is the result
> 
> chapter title from not okay by kygo (had to go back and fix this because i'm trash)


	55. hiraeth

When Minsoo wakes up, the first thing he notices is that he's _cold_.

Now, Colorado is a stupidly cold state, but Jaewon's a living space heater, so he's never really felt it.

But now?

This isn't "oh-Jaewon-got-up-to-make-breakfast" cold. 

This is _"Jaewon's-been-gone-for-hours"_ cold.

Minsoo jolts upright, groping blindly for his phone, and when he finds it, a series of messages stare him in the face.

_**Jaew** **on <3:** _

_I'm going back to Korea._

_Dongho needs me._

_Please, Minsoo, don't try and stop me._

_I'll come home soon._

_I love you._

The messages are dated ten hours ago.

Before Minsoo can think, he's throwing on his clothes and racing out the front door to _23's Diner_ , hoping against hope that he'll see Jaewon and that this will all be some sick, sick joke.

But no.

Nick's cleaning the counter, and Emily's scrubbing the windows, and neither one can meet his eyes.

"Where's Jaewon?" Minsoo gasps, and Nick puts down his rag, pulling a bag from his pocket and placing it on the table.

"He told me to give this to you."

Minsoo yanks open the fabric bag-

and bursts into tears.

A pair of charms sit on the inside, the diamond heart and lapis teardrop shining against the dark burlap, and Minsoo knows what this means.

_"I'm choosing Dongho."_

It would've hurt less if Jaewon had just torn out his heart.

Minsoo drops to his knees, breath coming in quick gasps, and he knows Emily's trying to get him to stand, knows Nick's trying to calm him down, but he _cannot breathe_.

He lost Dongho, lost Daehyun, and now he's losing Jaewon.

* * *

The instant Jaewon's feet touch the ground, he knows it with absolute certainty.

 _Dongho is here_.

Not here as in the airport, but here as in the _city_.

Dongho is less than ten miles away, and Jaewon doesn't know how to feel about that.

Because Minsoo- Minsoo is _so, so far away_ , and Jaewon left him behind (with a promise to return - he's always, always going to come back) but he misses him nonetheless.

And Daehyun-

god, the name is still enough to take his breath away.

He's back in Seoul, and he's _alone_.

He's back in Seoul, and Daehyun's dead.

A broken, animalistic sob tears its way from his throat, and he nearly collapses - would've, if not for the pair of steadying hands. 

"Jaewon-ah."

He raises his head, and _oh_ -

Jun hoists him upright, grabbing the handle of his suitcase and pulling it along. "C'mon. We're heading to the car."

"But-"

"Come on."

Jun has a commanding presence, Jaewon thinks, rushing to follow him.

* * *

Stepping back into Coffee Temple is like the most dizzying kind of deja vu.

Hundreds upon hundreds of memories assault him at once - Daehyun leaning on the counter, Daehyun laughing, Dongho dozing off against his shoulder, Minsoo and Jun bickering - and he swallows, trying to ignore the tears stinging his eyes.

"Yah!" Nari shrieks, and Jun ducks as a cloth comes flying through the air. "You made him cry! How did you make him cry already?"

"I didn't say anything, you old hag!"

In the corner, he can see Taehyuk crouched under the counter with a popcorn bucket between his knees.

"Noona," Jaewon tries, but it's too late.

Jun's trying to use his height to intimidate her, and she's trying to use her eyeliner to intimidate him, and Taehyuk's watching this with all the delight of a child watching their parents flip out over something minor.

"You think you're hot shit, huh, Jun?" Nari challenges, and Jun's eyebrow twitches.

"I know I am."

"Oh, really?"

Taehyuk looks like he's having the time of his fucking life.

"Noona," Jaewon cuts in, placing a placating hand on her shoulder, "Jun-ah didn't do anything. I was crying because of the others, that's all."

" _What did Minsoo do_?"

It's terrifying, Jaewon thinks, how terrifying their anger can be when focused on someone besides each other.

"Nothing," Jaewon clarifies, letting his hand fall to his side. "I just... really miss Dae."

He didn't think coming back to Seoul would hurt _this much_ , but it feels like Daehyun could be lingering around any corner.

"...I miss them."

Because this is _different_ from the first time. This is so, so different from the first time, because it's been almost two years since they got together, and Dongho's missing and Minsoo's not here and Daehyun's _dead_ -

exhale.

"I just... miss them a lot," Jaewon whispers, gaze falling to his feet. "That's all."

Saying "that's all" makes it sound small.

(it's not small at all.)

* * *

His mark is almost comically easy this time.

It's quick - a shot through the skull from an adjacent building, and he's out.

They really should've trained him worse, huh?

He leaps over the rooftops, boots clicking against the concrete, and he tries to ignore the fact that's been beating at his skull for the past few hours.

 _Jaewon is here_.

In Korea.

In the city.

Looking for him.

...he almost doesn't want to be found.

In those early days, it would've been worse, he knows - mind fragmented and trying to stitch itself back together piece by aching piece - but he thinks he's doing better now. 

Hopefully.

Theoretically.

He hops through the window, dropping into a roll as his back hits the carpet, and he straightens, reaching up to rake a hand through his hair.

God, his life is sad.

A flicker of movement catches his eye, and he hurls a knife at it before he can think, the blade flashing through the air for an instant before it shoots to the side.

Oh.

Strictly speaking, Dongho's at a disadvantage here.

For the moment he has the advantage - this is his home turf, and he knows how to defend it - but this person now knows where he lives.

That-

that's _dangerous_.

"Dongho?"

Dongho freezes, all the blood in his veins turning to ice as the voice registers.

God fucking dammit, Ahn Jaewon.

"I knew it," Jaewon grins, and Dongho watches, paralyzed, as tiny orbs of flame spill from the younger man's fingertips and float around the room. "I _knew it_."

"Why are you here, Jaewon?"

"...because I miss you."

Jaewon steps closer, a vulnerable, gentle sort of grief reflected in his eyes, and Dongho takes a step back.

"You left."

"I-"

"You _left_ ," Dongho repeats, and the worst part is that he _gets it_.

He _gets why Jaewon left_.

And honestly-

he would've done the same thing.

"I know," Jaewon whispers, gaze dropping to his feet. "I know, hyung, and I-"

"Why did you come back?"

Jaewon stares at him for a moment, horror flickering in his eyes, and Dongho leans against the far wall, folding his arms over his chest.

"You left to get away. You were _happy_. Why did you come back?"

"I missed you," Jaewon repeats, and _oh_ , doesn't he know that's painfully meaningless?

"I miss having two same-colored eyes. We all miss things we can't change."

Jaewon stares at him - at the fresh scar on his cheek, at the gloves covering calloused hands, at the gun holstered by his waist, at his brilliant-blue eye, shining even in the pitch-darkness - and he takes another step forwards, hand extended.

"We can change this."

"Do you have a death wish?"

"I'm never going to give up on you," Jaewon states, raising his chin in defiance. "Not again."

"You're fucking insane."

"And you're my _boyfriend_."

" _He's dead_!"

Jaewon stares at him, pity reflecting in his eyes, and _god_ , Dongho fucking _hates_ pity. "He died the first time he shot someone through the head, and his walking corpse died in that facility. I'm just whatever's left."

"...you still have a way with words."

"Why won't you drop this?"

"Because I can _see him_."

Jaewon steps forwards, reaching out to tap the space next to Dongho's eye. "I can see him right there."

Distantly, Dongho thinks he should probably be fighting Jaewon or attempting murder, but he'd really rather _not_.

"Just leave, Jaewon."

"Not without you."

"Jae-"

Jaewon's thumb brushes over his cheek, and he shuts up.

The redhead's fingers trace the planes of his face - his prominent cheekbones, the scar running from his ear to his chin, the nicks and scrapes from numerous nights on the streets - and his lips curl into a sad, sad, pitying grin.

"Don't pity me."

"I don't."

Jaewon inhales, a long, rattling thing, and he exhales after a moment, eyes fluttering shut. "I'm sad, hyung."

Dongho's pretty sad too, but you don't see him fondling his ex-boyfriend's face.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

In a strange, detached sort of way, Dongho knows what he should do. He knows he should reach out and brush a lock of hair out of Jaewon's eyes before letting his hand rest on his cheek, knows he should say something kind and encouraging and _gentle_ , but he doesn't.

Kang Dongho's been dead for a long, long time.

"Sucks to be you," he simply replies, gesturing to the window. "You can leave now."

"You don't... you don't want me to stay?"

"Actually, I very clearly want you to leave."

Jaewon's gaze flickers with something for a moment - grief? hope? betrayal? - before he takes a step back, arms wrapping around his waist. "I'll... I'll leave, then."

He _so badly_ wants Dongho to tell him to stay, he knows. He _so badly_ wants Dongho to explain himself, to say it's a misunderstanding, to agree and return to wherever Jaewon's hiding out these days.

But there's too much blood on his hands to do that.

There's too much blood on these hands Jaewon seems to only see as clean.

"I'll see you soon, hyung."

And really-

isn't that the crux of the issue?

The fact that Jaewon _does not process_ how horrible all the things he's done are?

Jaewon turns back from his position at the window, lips curled into a _heartbreaking_ smile, and Dongho feels the flutterings of old emotions rise in his chest. "Please stay safe."

For a moment, it's like they're back years ago - back when things were simple and easy, back when they were idols.

Jaewon could be telling Dongho to take care walking home. Dongho could be holding an umbrella and bag instead of a rifle and pistol, and Jaewon could be standing in the living room instead of hanging out the window. 

They could be normal boyfriends, instead of whatever this is.

"...just go."

But they're not, are they?

Jaewon dips his head, sliding out of the window and disappearing from sight, and Dongho-

doesn't understand why it hurts so much to watch him leave.

* * *

Jaewon drags himself four blocks away before he curls up on a rooftop and cries.

It's cold - the crest of fall - and he presses his face into his knees, arms winding around his thighs as his shoulders shake with the force of his grief.

He misses-

he misses what things could've been.

He misses the fantasy he entertained, the fantasy that Dongho would just happily agree to come home with them and they could be happy (as happy as possible without dae, _daehyun is dead_ -) and everything would be fine.

 _Oh_ , Dongho crushed that to pieces.

He made _sure_ it was broken.

Jaewon mashes his face into his knees and tries very very hard not to howl his grief to the moon like some sort of strange, red-haired wolf, but _oh_ , it's so tempting.

If nothing else, so Daehyun might hear him.

He flops back against the cold concrete, reaching up to grasp faintly at the sky, and tears trickle down his cheeks and land on the ground.

God, he was a fool.

"Dae," he breathes, gaze pinned on the distant stars. "Daehyun-ah, please... please come back. We need... we need you back, _Dae_ -"

His voice breaks on the name, and he dissolves into a fresh wave of tears, rolling over and curling into a small ball.

He doesn't know what he's doing.

He doesn't know how to fix this.

And the only person who might make it better is in a place he can't reach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said i'd execute restraint but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> gay bois be gay
> 
> and if you notice, we do finally have a chapter cap
> 
> that's right this boi is finally coming to an end
> 
> it was supposed to be done like ten chapters ago but i digress
> 
> hiraeth: This kind of homesickness is like a combination of the homesickness, longing, nostalgia, and yearning, for a home that you cannot return to, no longer exists, or maybe never was. It can also include grief or sadness for who or what you have lost, losses which make your “home” not the same as the one you remember. -https://sites.psu.edu/kielarpassionblog2/2016/04/02/hiraeth/


	56. i refuse to look back thinkin' days were better just because they were younger days

Honestly, Minsoo doesn't understand why Jaewon would leave him behind.

Correction: Minsoo doesn't understand why Jaewon _thought he could_ leave him behind.

"This is a terrible idea," Emily points out, and Minsoo shrugs, lacing up his boots.

"A lot of my ideas are."

"You're going to _die_ , Minsoo."

"That's half the fun."

"Jaewon wants you to stay."

That - that garners a reaction. Minsoo raises his head, silver eyes haunted and hollow, and Emily nearly flinches at that - at the look of _desperation_ flickering in their depths.

"I don't care, Emily."

This is toxic, Emily thinks, watching as Minsoo digs his teeth into his lower lip. This - Minsoo and Jaewon and the elusive Dongho and the _dead_ Daehyun - the four of them are dragging each other down.

Minsoo won't believe that, of course.

Love makes people blind, and oh, Emily knows that so painfully well.

"He'd want you to stay," she says - a last resort - but all it does is make Minsoo's decision stronger.

" _He wants._ He's not- he's not dead. Jaewon's too smart for that."

Being smart means nothing in the realm of success, Emily knows - means nothing in terms of luck or survival in a world as painfully cutthroat as this one.

Being smart only gets you so far if you're not strong enough to back it up.

And for Jaewon - Jaewon, who's such a painfully die-hard pacifist, Jaewon, who wouldn't hurt a fly, Jaewon, who went back to his home to chase a shadow of a man who doesn't want his help in the first place - she knows he has the strength, but she doubts he'll use it.

Especially against Dongho.

(that, she knows for certain.

no matter what, jaewon could never attack dongho.)

"If you're going," she states, pulling her hair into a ponytail, "I'm coming with you."

Minsoo blinks, bewildered, and Nick slides over the counter, a jaunty grin on his lips. "So am I."

"Nick..." Emily trails off, and _oh_ , how hypocritical would it be if she made him stay? How horrible would it be if she forced him to stay, forced him to stay here when it was always him chasing her, refusing to give up on her, believing in her when she didn't believe in herself?

She can't.

Not after Nick sat by her side in a shitty motel and rubbed her back as she gasped and sobbed, not after he brought her the world's shittiest pancakes the next morning and gave her that crooked, dimpled grin she'd fallen in love with.

(she sees perhaps too much of nick in jaewon, she thinks.)

"You two are disgustingly straight," Minsoo quips, and Emily chokes on a laugh, reaching up to throw the napkin holder at his head.

"You and Jaewon make out on the counters!"

"Yes," Minsoo states, "but you two always make out with your _eyes_."

"Oh my _god_ , Min," Emily laughs, and Nick beams.

* * *

When Jaewon enters Coffee Temple the next day, the last person he'd ever expected to see is standing at the counter.

 _Jiho_.

The barista has his hair twisted into a small bun, the only bits of pink remaining those at the tips of his hair. Glittering blush paints his cheekbones, and he gives Jaewon a small smile as he enters, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. 

There's a tattoo on the inside of his arm, Jaewon notices - a date surrounded by flowers.

(he doesn't need to ask what it is.)

"Hey," Jiho hums, leaning against the counter to stare at Jaewon. "Can't believe I'm seeing you again, Jaewon-ie."

It's the same words, but the delivery is wrong.

He's halfway there, at least.

"I can't believe it either," Jaewon grins, and Jiho gives him a small, wispy laugh.

"Went to therapy. Nari-noona made me. 'pparently she and Taehyuk-ah's friend got together at some point?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's _weird_. Nari-noona will just... stop yelling at Jun-ah as soon as she walks in."

There's a wistfulness to his gaze, and once again, Jaewon's painfully reminded of the dark-haired man that used to stand here. 

_"You're doing great!"_

_"That was Ji-Ji. Isn't he cute?"_

God, Sungmin-

it still aches, somehow.

"You know... you know why I'm here."

Jiho nods, short and clipped, and all traces of friendliness disappear from his face in an instant. "I do."

It's terrifying, somehow, Jaewon thinks, staring at the frigid expression on the face of a man who's never been anything but warmth and light. Even though he knows Jiho can't do anything, there's a promise in his eyes - that if he could, he _would_.

"You may see Dongho-ssi," Jiho mutters, turning back to the machines, "but all we see is a murderer."

And that-

Jaewon can't fault them for that.

(they don't know dongho like he did, don't know the way he smiles when he thinks nobody's watching or the way he'll work at a recipe until he gets it right, don't know-

_"he's dead!"_

ah.

is he chasing a ghost?

jaewon can't believe that.)

"I understand," he murmurs, and Jiho jerks his head in what could be considered a nod, gesturing to the door.

"Go."

He pretends not to notice the tears spilling down the dark-haired man's cheeks, and for that, Jiho seems grateful.

* * *

"Airports _suck_."

"Aww," Nick laughs, reaching over to sling his arm over Emily's shoulders. "But they're so fun! So _populated_!"

"That's _not a good thing_ , Nick."

"You don't like all the people?"

"I don't like all the eyes," Emily affirms, gaze flitting to Minsoo. "What about you, sparkly-boy? You like the eyes, don't you?"

For a moment, Minsoo's reminded of their first meeting - the fire crackling under the bridge, the threadbare gloves covering Nick's hands, the glint in Emily's eyes when she asked the same question - and this time, instead of answering, he simply laughs.

A lot has changed since then, he thinks.

"You're sparkly, too," Nick quips, and Emily squawks as Nick sprinkles some sparkles into her hair.

"Hey! Hey-hey-hey, Mister Sparkle, you _take those back_ -"

"Wha- it's in your _hair_ , Em, I can't _take them back_ -"

Minsoo snorts as the pair bicker, stuffing his hands in his pocket as his gaze flits over the signs.

The last time they were at an airport, Jaewon was gripping his hand for dear life, mask on and dark eyes painfully dim.

(minsoo doesn't want to go back to then. _can't_ go back to then. if he went back to then, then everything would fall apart-

but wouldn't it be better?

because jaewon would be there?

no, he decides.

it wouldn't be.

looking back has cost him too much already. it's cost him dongho, cost him daehyun, and is costing him jaewon. 

looking back has cost him every perfect moment in the present.)

He raises his head and screws his eyes shut, slowly filling his lungs with air.

(a distant part of him thinks he can smell salt water.)

Daehyun is gone.

Daehyun is gone, and Daehyun is dead, and that isn't going to change.

But Dongho and Jaewon might not be.

He can't promise to forgive Dongho. He probably won't ever forgive him.

But if Jaewon saw something there - if Jaewon saw _hope_ \- well.

Jaewon's someone who can bring out the best in anyone.

Minsoo can only hope that he can do the same for Dongho.

(can only hope that the man he fell in love with isn't as dead as he thought.)

"You okay?" Emily asks, and Minsoo gives her a small smile, gaze flitting to the gate.

"Yeah. Yeah, Em, I'm fine."

"Good," Nick chips in, "'cause you looked a bit like you were about to pass out-"

"Oh my _god_ , Nick."

* * *

"What are you going to do, hyung?"

Dongho raises his head, toes curling around the edge of the roof, and his gaze lands on Jaewon, the redhead's legs hanging off the other roof and head thrown back.

The distant part of him that engaged in flowery words might call him stunning.

As it is, Dongho sees him as a safety hazard.

"I'm going to kill them," he states, and Jaewon's expression flickers - hope mingling with some sort of caustic despair. "I'm going to kill them, and then myself."

"I can't... I can't change your mind, can I?"

"No," he replies - short and clipped.

(the lie tastes bitter on his tongue.)

Because the truth is - the truth is that _they need to die_ , but Dongho wants to live.

Selfishly, foolishly - he wants to live. 

He's not entitled to it. Has no place in this fast-moving world, so far removed from motorcycles and bridges and rings that meant far more than he ever expected them to.

But Jaewon's sitting here - Jaewon, who has as much of a place in the hustle and bustle of the city as he does in the world's graveyard Dongho never quite left - and he _so desperately_ wants to learn how to become the person he could be.

(was. he _was_ someone with a place, _was_ someone happy, and then _they_ dug through his mind and tore _him_ out.)

"You're thinking too black and white," the thing that is not Daehyun reminds him, and Dongho ignores him.

"You're welcome to try," he states instead, pulling out his knife and grabbing a rag. "I'll listen."

He owes him that much.

(in truth - he owes no one anything. he owes his victims nothing, owes daehyun nothing, owes himself nothing.

and yet-

he somehow feels he owes jaewon his thoughts.

what a foolish perspective he has.)

"Come back with me," Jaewon breathes, and Dongho turns his gaze back to his knife.

"Why did _you_ come back, Jaewon-ah?"

"So I could bring you home."

Dongho nearly laughs at that - because isn't _home_ such a cute concept? If he had a home, he'd say it's the run-down apartment with the slashed-up furniture and traps against the windows, not-

not Jaewon.

(not anymore.)

"You can't _bring me_ anywhere."

"So I could find you," Jaewon continues, and Dongho _does_ laugh, now, short and barking and _raw_.

"I'm right here, Jaewon. If you're looking for anything more, you won't find it."

"I can see him," Jaewon insists, and Dongho laughs once more.

"News flash, Jae- _I am him_. I _am_ the person you're looking for."

Jaewon bites his lower lip, gaze falling to his hands, and Dongho readies himself for another banal question - this one, perhaps, about the weather or something equally moronic-

"Do you miss him?"

Oh.

Jaewon raises his head, tears shimmering in his dark eyes, and that long-buried part of Dongho that, perhaps, loved him, _aches_.

"Do you miss Dae?"

 _"Every day,"_ Dongho doesn't say, doesn't lie to Jaewon's face like he so easily could.

"Yes," he ventures instead, "and no."

Because Daehyun who isn't Daehyun is here - crouched at the edge of the roof and looking at him like he's a poor injured puppy to be _pitied_ \- and that _rankles_.

Jaewon smiles, small and crooked and _achingly_ loving, and Dongho blinks, bewildered. "What?"

"For a second there," Jaewon murmurs, "you looked just like you did when you were trying to figure out how to work the t.v."

Dongho's mouth shuts with an audible "click".

"Do you remember that?" Jaewon asks, voice dropping to a whisper. "Do you remember that day? Dae broke the t.v. somehow, and you spent a half hour fiddling with it so we could watch _Finding Nemo_. Remember?"

Dongho does remember.

He remembers the way the shitty instant ramen tasted, remembers Daehyun's blinding smile as they all gave him compliments, remembers the way Minsoo curled into his side, sniffling softly as the movie played, remembers the way Jaewon stares, enraptured, like it was one of the best moments of his life-

Dongho remembers.

"We should go to the movies sometime," Jaewon whispers, voice impossibly softer. "You, me, and Minsoo. The three of us."

"...those days weren't perfect, Jae."

"None ever are," Jaewon laughs, soft and gentle and _aching_. "But... I want to try and chase that. With you."

He reaches out, hand open, and Dongho-

turns away.

"I have a job to do."

 _"Maybe someday,"_ he doesn't say, because he's not entitled to days like that anymore, not entitled to happy moments with the amount of blood on his hands.

But if there's ever a day where he can repent for everything he's done, a day where he's someone who _deserves_ to stand at Minsoo and Jaewon's sides-

then he'd like that.

(if there's ever a day where jaewon will understand _why_ he needs to repent, a day where he'll understand just how much of a monster dongho is and accept him anyways-

well.

there's no point in dwelling on fantasies.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, while writing: hOLY SHIT IS THERE A HETERO RELATIONSHIP IN THIS FIC
> 
> writing nick is... hard. v hard. emily i have down but nick is... hard 2 write :(
> 
> minsoo: hey i should move on  
> everyone: you fucking wHAT
> 
> also dongho... bby... d o n g h o . . .
> 
> new update schedule!!! wtthwh will update on sundays going forwards :D
> 
> chapter title from kids by onerepublic


	57. come wrestle me free, clean from the war

Today is the day Kyunghun finally makes good on his promise to murder Taeseok.

You'd think the last time would've taught him something, and yet here he _fucking_ is.

Out on the streets at two in the morning.

Heading to buy _instant fucking ramen_.

What even is his _life_.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets, exhaling slowly as his gaze flits over the street. It's a lot like last year - a lot like the day they found Minsoo, actually - and for a moment, he misses his hyung.

You don't live with someone for months and not grow to care about them, after all.

And sure, maybe it has something to do with the fact that Minsung looked happier when Minsoo was around. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Kyunghun could so easily see Kyungwon in his place - could _so easily see_ Kyungwon in their leader's misguided brother - and maybe that has a bit to do with why he misses him.

Maybe.

Everything's hypothetical, of course, but _still_.

He's about to head into a corner store when someone grabs his wrist, and he wheels, ready to smack whatever sasaeng decided today was the day to invade his privacy-

"Kyunghun-ah?"

He blinks, thrown, as Minsoo grins at him, face hidden behind his mask and eyes scrunched up in joy.

What.

"Minsoo-hyung?"

"I knew it was you!" Minsoo beams, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and _what the fuck is happening_. "How've you been?"

"Why are you here?" Kyunghun faintly replies, and Minsoo shrugs.

"Oh, y'know. I just am. So, what're you up to?"

"...instant ramen?"

Minsoo drops a bag in his hands, and Kyunghun blinks, gaze falling to the contents.

"Why did you buy a bag of instant ramen?"

"Well," the elder states, adopting an air of "you-plebians-cannot-understand-the-inner-machinations-of-my-mind", "I figured I could bribe Taeseokkie into letting me in."

Taeseok would let him in for free, Kyunghun knows, but he holds his tongue.

"...why are you here?"

Minsoo's gaze sharpens in an instant, and Kyunghun can see someone unfamiliar - a warrior, a fighter, someone _desperate_ \- in his gaze. 

"I'm coming to find Jaewon and Dongho."

"Why are _they here_?"

Minsoo shrugs, a quick, lop-sided thing, and Kyunghun groans, raking a hand through his hair.

"...fine. You wanna come home with me?"

"I bet I can beat you there!" Minsoo winks, and Kyunghun's protests die on his tongue as the silver-haired man disappears into the crowd.

"...little brothers."

* * *

Minsung jolts awake to the sound of shouts.

He groans, reaching over to grab his glasses from the side table, and he rakes a hand through his hair, grimacing as the orange strands fall in his eyes.

Fucking hair colors and fucking _hair_.

He throws off the covers, jamming on his glasses and heading for the living room, a headache already forming at his temples. After all, the last time he woke up like this, Hyunjin set the microwave on fire, and Youngjoon threw the fire extinguisher into it after it turned out to be empty, and _he had to meet with management_ , so-

His thoughts abruptly stall as he catches sight of a familiar form in the living room, his hair pushed back and lips curled into a grin.

"Minsoo?"

His younger brother turns, jacket hanging over his hands and eyes scrunched up in a smile, and Minsung stares at him, entirely bewildered. 

"What the fuck?"

Minsoo turns - and _why are there two other people there_? - and relays something to them, at which point the woman whacks Minsoo's head with a phone.

"What?"

"Hyung!" Minsoo enthuses, wheeling to face him. "Long time no see!"

"...don't say it."

"Can I stay here for a bit?"

Minsung groans, massaging the bridge of his nose, and Minsoo looks utterly unrepentant even as the unfamiliar boy scratches the back of his neck.

At least _someone_ understands how fucked-up this entire situation is.

"Minsoo. You're my little brother, but it is _two in the morning_."

"Well," Minsoo simply replies, "our flight just got in."

"Yes," Minsung murmurs, a tinge of hysteria creeping into his voice. "Your _flight just got in_."

"See? You get it!"

Minsung has to fight the sudden and all-encompassing urge to jump out the nearest window.

He loves Minsoo, he _does_ , but it's two in the morning and he is _not awake enough for this shit_.

"...just use the spare room," he mumbles, gesturing in its general direction. "I'll deal with this when I'm awake."

"Thanks, hyung," Minsoo beams, breezing past him and heading for the spare room. "Oh, and by the way, I hate the hair!"

" _Yah_!"

* * *

Halfway across town, Dongho's lost in thought.

He leans against his windowframe, gaze pinned on the hazy skyline, and for a moment, all he can think about is those first days.

The days where he _didn't_ have anywhere to go. The days where he'd get caught in the storm and drenched to the bone, the days where he'd roam the city in search of food, the days where all that kept him going was an aching heart and a burning desire for _revenge_ -

Would things have been different, he wonders, if they'd been there?

Probably. Possibly. Even with his mind twisted hundreds of different ways, he'd still rather be psychotic than alone.

But then again, he wasn't really alone.

"You should go back to them," Daehyun murmurs, and Dongho shakes his head, watching as a plane streaks through the sky. 

"No point now."

"Hyung..."

They lapse back into silence, and Dongho watches as a young couple stumbles down the street, hands intertwined and giggles floating through the air.

He could've had that, once.

"...you should try."

"No point," Dongho repeats, and Daehyun exhales.

" _I want you_ to try."

"You're not him."

"But I'm your friend anyways."

He does have a point there.

"Jaewon still loves you," Daehyun murmurs, voice the only sound in the room. "Why won't you take that chance?"

"He doesn't love _me_."

"Why do you think you're not that person anymore?"

Dongho doesn't reply.

"To me," Daehyun murmurs, reaching out to caress his cheek - Dongho flinches at the feather-like touch - "you're still the same person you were."

"People change."

"Even if water changes form, it's still made of the same molecules."

"That makes no sense."

"You're still you," Daehyun whispers, and Dongho bites his lower lip, gaze drifting to the streets.

"Don't try and excuse what I've done."

"You were hurting-"

" _Stop_."

Daehyun falls silent, and Dongho digs his nails into his knees.

"...if they still love me even knowing what I've done, then I'll go back with them. Otherwise, I'll end it all like I planned."

"How are you going to do that?"

"They'll find me when I hit my last mark," Dongho replies, fingers brushing over the exterior wall. "I know they will."

"...and what if they don't?"

"Better for me."

"Why won't you let yourself be happy?"

"For the same reason I don't deserve to be," Dongho murmurs, turning away from the window. "Some things should not be forgiven."

Daehyun stares at him, eyes flickering with ill-contained grief, but he says nothing.

* * *

It's dark outside. 

Jaewon stares down at his hands - at the scars and callouses that litter them - and then out at the sky, chest aching as he catches sight of the distant skyline.

It's early enough that it doesn't feel like night, but dark enough that it doesn't feel like day, either.

It's some kind of liminal space.

(much like jaewon himself.)

He can't stop thinking about it, really. 

Dongho rejected him.

Rejected him _twice_.

And what he said-

 _no_.

He's acting like he's dead, like he died with Daehyun, but Jaewon _knows_ that isn't true. 

Because Dongho - Dongho's still here. Dongho's still here and not gone like Daehyun, Dongho's still here, and when Jaewon looked at him, he could see the flicker of the man he fell in love with.

Dongho's still in there, somewhere.

He runs his fingers over the couch, eyes burning as he stares at the horizon.

Dongho's still in there.

And, okay, Minsoo might not believe it, and the others might not believe it, but Jaewon _knows it's true_.

After all, Dongho-

_"I promise you I will do better."_

...he promised, right?

And Dongho doesn't-

Dongho doesn't break promises.

He keeps them, even at the cost of his own life. And he- he _promised to do better_.

He's probably forgotten about that, Jaewon knows. God knows he almost did. But-

_"I promise you I will do better."_

Dongho wouldn't break that promise.

(jaewon chooses to ignore how he's made the same mistake twice.)

It feels like every step forwards with Dongho is two steps back, honestly. He's like a cryptid - someone Jaewon barely knows, has barely seen - and the person he _does_ know is gone.

No.

Not gone.

Minsoo's at home. Minsoo's at home, and he's safe, and he's waiting for them to come back, because _Jaewon will bring Dongho home_.

He digs his nails into the cushions, tears stinging his eyes as the past washes over him in full.

They're never going to all be together again, he knows.

They're never going to be _four_ again, he _knows_.

But three is greater than two.

He stands on numb legs, heading for the window and pushing it open.

Three is greater than two, and he'll be damned if he doesn't try to make it that.

* * *

...it's lonely, falling asleep alone.

Minsoo's not _technically_ alone, he knows - Emily and Nick are asleep on the floor next to him - but Jaewon isn't here.

It reminds him of those days where he chased Daehyun across the globe, those days where he had _so much hope_ in his heart, those days where he _loved_ , his heart bright and burning for the men he cared for-

but they're all gone now, aren't they?

Dongho's somewhere, Jaewon's probably at _Coffee Temple_ , and Daehyun's _dead_ -

His chest aches.

He reaches up to press a hand to his heart, tears stinging as his gaze drifts to the horizon.

He's never been one to get lonely - never been one to feel lonely in quite the same way as others, but _god_ , he misses them.

"Hyung," he breathes, voice coming out soft and cracked. "Hyung, where..."

It's his fault, in the end.

He couldn't look past a few dozen corpses, and now they've multiplied.

(he couldn't look past dae, couldn't look past the loss of daehyun, of _their daehyun_ -)

"Dae," he amends, fingertips brushing over the windowsill. "Dae, where... where did you go? Why..."

Actually-

that's wrong.

It's not a question of _why_.

"...how could you leave us behind?"

He can imagine Daehyun next to him - golden hair splayed over the sheets and lips slightly parted - and for a moment, his heart _aches_.

"I miss you," he breathes, a single tear arcing down his cheek. "Dae, I-"

His head falls into his hands, a soft sob escaping his lips, and for an instant, he can almost feel a hand on his back.

Outside, it starts to rain.

* * *

When Emily wakes up, her first thought is _"where the fuck am I?"_

Her second thought is _"why is Nick's foot in my mouth?"_

She shoves him away, stumbling to her feet, and _oh_ , that's right.

They're in Korea.

Fucking _wonderful_.

She thought she swore off dumbfuck adventures after the _last one_ , but _apparently not_.

"Good morning!" someone chirps, and she turns, gaze landing on a mint-haired boy in short shorts.

She blinks once.

Then again.

"What?"

"I'm Hyunjin," the boy introduces, and that _is_ an Australian accent, "and I'm so glad to meet you!"

" _What_."

"I can talk in English!" Hyunjin enthuses, and Emma blinks as the Aussie drags her into the kitchen. 

"Um."

" _Hyung! Hyung-hyung-hyung- talk in English!_ "

A dark-haired man blinks at them, a bandaid on his jaw and brows furrowed in confusion, and Emma stares up at him, thoroughly bewildered.

"Holy shit, how tall _are you_?"

"He's six two," Hyunjin giggles, then pokes the man's arm. "Youngjoon, Youngjoon, talk in English!"

"Um," the man simply replies, and Hyunjin groans.

"Young _joon_ -"

Another man enters the kitchen, a mug of coffee in his hands, and Hyunjin cheers, racing over to tackle him in a hug. "Kyunghun!"

 _"Holy shit!"_ Kyunghun shrieks, and Emily snickers, a hand coming up to cover her mouth. _"Hyunjin, what the fuck-"_

She may not understand them, but that's _fine_.

Honestly, she gets the gist just from their voices.

"Speak English!" Hyunjin insists, and Kyunghun fixes him with a withering glare.

"Choke."

"Wh- _w_ _hy do you know that_?"

Kyunghun kicks him, and Hyunjin scowls, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"You _suck_."

"You swallow," Emily chips in, and Hyunjin wails, mashing his face into the counter.

" _I thought you'd be on my side_!"

"I serve chaos, and nothing else."

"You _suck_!"

"You swallow," Emily repeats, and Hyunjin slams his fist into the granite.

Across the room, Kyunghun's absolutely losing his shit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this chapter was HARD
> 
> because like... i can see both sides. both forgiving dongho and not forgiving him. it's tough.
> 
> the quote is from chapter 27 btw
> 
> my working title for this chapter: angst feat. hyunjin's english class
> 
> also!!! this arc's theme is fleurie's hurts like hell!!! which is this chapter's title :D
> 
> ~~also... what if dae were to return? jk jk jk... unless ?~~
> 
> unbeta'd, pls lmk abt mistakes!!!


	58. rain and fire

It's still raining.

The rain hasn't stopped for the last two days, and floodwater fills the streets, driving people indoors as much as possible. If anyone _does_ dare to leave their house, it's with a rain slicker and an umbrella, or with something else to stand against the battering winds.

Dongho has none of these luxuries.

He hops through the window, slamming it shut and wringing out his hair. Going out in the rain is nice - he can be less cautious _visually_ \- but also sucks due to the ever-present risk of _tripping_.

His gaze drifts to the sky, taking in the endless gray, and he screws his eyes shut, gaze drifting to his weapons on the side table.

Tomorrow.

It feels wrong, killing someone in the rain - has ever since the first time. It feels sacrilegious, almost, as if he's spitting on Daehyun's corpse, but-

Daehyun is dead. 

It doesn't matter.

"Are you really going to do this?" not-Daehyun asks, voice low and small, and Dongho rolls his shoulders, tilting his head to the ceiling.

"Is there another option?"

"You could stop."

"Not now."

Not when the only one who has yet to die is the one who deserves it most. 

"This is his fault," he murmurs, crossing the room to pick up a knife. "All of this is his fault."

"Dongho-"

He wheels, hurling the knife at Daehyun's silhouette, and the knife cuts right through the mirage, embedding itself in the wall.

"Leave me _alone_."

Daehyun that is not Daehyun stares at him, pain flickering in his eyes, and he dips his head, soon fading out of view.

It's quiet without him here, Dongho thinks, the distant roar of the storm filling his ears.

It's too quiet. 

For all Dongho likes being alone, he hates being lonely.

He sags against the wall, damp hair sticking to his cheeks as he drops to a seat, and he casts his gaze to the roof, his breath escaping him in one long, slow motion. 

The rain won't stop.

Perhaps it's better that way.

* * *

"Why do you think he's going to hit him tomorrow?"

"It's been too long already," Minsoo states, pointing to the photo on the table. "And him- there's history here. He knows we'll suspect tomorrow."

"Why tomorrow?" 

"A year since the meeting," Minsoo simply replies, and Emily and Nick nod in tandem. "He'll want to do it on that day. Turn the tables."

Dongho always was a theatrical bastard.

"I have no idea what you mean," Minsung mutters, resting his chin on his hand, "but if I can help in any way that's legal, I will."

"Actually," Minsoo grins, the corner of his mouth ticking upwards in delight, "I have a plan."

"What?"

"How well can you two pretend to be arguing?" Minsoo asks, and Emily grins.

"Hey, Nick, mint chocolate chip ice cream is _great_."

"Mint chocolate chip is _horrible_!"

"You're _wrong_!"

"Got it," Minsoo replies, drumming his nails on the counter. "Minsung-hyung, can you keep a lookout?"

"Lookout for what?" Minsung asks, seeming visibly worried.

"The po-po."

"The _what_?"

"Great! I'm glad you're in! We'll leave tomorrow at six!"

"Wha- _Minsoo_!"

* * *

It's raining.

Jaewon stares at the darkened sky, unsure of how to feel as raindrops pelt the windows.

"Hey," Jun states, and Jaewon blinks, gaze landing on the dark-haired barista. "I brought you cocoa."

"Ah... thank you!"

He accepts the warm mug from the younger with a smile, and Jun huffs, dropping into the seat next to him.

"Why're you staring?"

"I miss Dae," Jaewon murmurs, gaze flitting over the clouds. "Dae, and Dongho, and Minsoo..."

"...Jiho's not gonna forgive you, y'know."

"I know," Jaewon whispers, gaze dropping to his cup.

"None of us will help you. Sungmin was- he was my brother. He was _family_ to all of us."

"I know," Jaewon breathes, voice thick with tears. "I know, Jun-ah."

"...you're family too," Jun states, reaching over to pat his shoulder. "So don't die doing whatever you're gonna do, okay?"

Jaewon summons a flame to his hand, letting it linger for a moment before he presses it to the side of his mug.

"I won't, Jun-ah. I promise."

"Don't promise," Jun mutters, raking a hand through his hair. "Just _do it_."

"I won't die," Jaewon states, and Jun laughs, propping his chin on his hand.

"Then get the fuck out of here, and don't come back. Hyukkie and I were supposed to go IKEA shopping."

"...thank you, Jun-ah," Jaewon murmurs, and Jun sighs, leaning over to wrap an arm around Jaewon's waist.

"Don't mention it. Just... don't die, okay?"

Jaewon doesn't respond.

* * *

It's raining when Dongho slips into High Class Entertainment's building.

There's a roof hatch - one he discovered years ago - and his boots squeak on the tile as he makes his way through the halls, hood pulled over his head and gun hanging from his waist.

He could take this man out from a distance, but he wants to watch him die.

Wants to watch him _writhe in agony_ , and understand even a fraction of the pain he's put them through. 

He deserves far worse, in the end, but this is all he can do.

The door creaks as it opens, and the CEO raises his head, beady eyes immediately landing on the new arrival. "Who are you? Why are you here?"

Dongho raises his gun, pushing his hood back from his head as he makes eye contact with the truest scum of the earth.

"You know who I am," he states, taking a step closer, "and you know why I'm here."

"Dongho... ssi..." the CEO breathes, and Dongho's finger wraps around the trigger.

"Do you understand what you did, _Park_? Do you understand the true extent of the pain you inflicted on us?"

"You won't do it," the CEO murmurs, though it seems like he's trying to convince himself of this.

"Wrong. I can and _will_. I just want to know- why did you sell us out?"

"Money," the CEO states, spreading his hands wide. "Money makes the world go 'round, _Dongho-ssi_."

It's mocking - he's underestimating him.

And true - the old Dongho wouldn't have done it. He'd've pointed the gun, but never pulled the trigger, too afraid of recompense or guilt.

But Dongho as he is now just wants to see this man bleed.

"Hyung," someone calls, and Dongho turns, gaze landing on Jaewon.

Oh, _Jaewon_.

"Hyung," Jaewon breathes, clothes plastered to his skinny frame, "put down the gun."

* * *

Jaewon's never seen Dongho like this, and it's honestly scaring him.

There's no warmth in his eyes, no compassion, none of the traces of love he'd seen every other time they met. No - the expression on his face is one of _pure hatred_ , and looking at the man at the desk, Jaewon can see why. 

"CEO... nim..."

The CEO laughs, a loud, booming sound. "Would you look at this? Wyld's come to play vigilante too!"

"Dongho," Jaewon pleads, taking a step closer. "Hyung, put down the gun."

"This is your fault," Dongho growls, and _oh_ , he isn't listening to Jaewon at all. "All of this is _your fault_."

"It's just business," the CEO shrugs, and the gun fires.

Jaewon screams, horror racing through his veins as the CEO's chair slides backwards, but _no_ , it's just a shoulder shot, a ragged hole now piercing the man's suit.

" _Answer me_!" Dongho roars, and the CEO now seems to truly understand that _he will die here_.

"Security! Secur-"

The gun fires once more, and Dongho kicks the desk aside, the CEO falling to the ground as the wood splinters against the wall.

"You-"

"Don't move," Dongho growls, gun pointed squarely at the man's temple. "Now _fucking answer me_. Do you know how much _pain_ you caused us?"

"...no."

"Daehyun is _dead_ because of you," Dongho spits, hand trembling with the force of his rage. "Daehyun is _dead_ because of your fucking _greed_ , and it's going to lead to your death _as it fucking should_."

"You won't kill me," the CEO protests, but it falls on deaf ears.

"You made me into this," Dongho growls, eyes gaining a steely determination. " _You're_ the one that pushed me to this point, and I can honestly say I want _nothing more_ than to see you _dead_."

"Hyung," Jaewon pleads, because this- 

surely he won't do this.

Right?

"Dongho," a second voice calls, and Jaewon feels his blood run cold as Minsoo steps into the room, a pocketknife in hand and silver eyes boring into Dongho's own.

* * *

"Are you really going to defend him?"

There's a hint of hysteria to Dongho's voice - a hint of _disbelief_ , almost - and Minsoo nods, taking a step closer. 

"Don't do this."

"It doesn't make a difference," Dongho laughs, a bit high, a bit unhinged. "I've killed _so many people_ , Minsoo. Killed _so many_."

"I know."

"What does one more body matter?"

"It's your last chance to step back from this path," Minsoo replies, and _damn_ , that's poetic.

He should've been a playwright or something.

"Put down the gun and come home with us, Dongho-yah."

For a moment, the room is silent, the only sound the roar of the storm.

"Love can't fix everything," Dongho murmurs, though it's less angry and more resigned. "You had your chance, and you failed."

"I know," Minsoo states, and Dongho blinks as Minsoo places the wind in the room under his control. "That doesn't mean I'm not going to try again."

Before Dongho can react, Minsoo shoots forwards, kicking the gun out of his hand and tackling him to the floor. Dongho flips Minsoo over his him, slamming him into the wall, and before the younger can move, Dongho's pinning him to the wall, lips twisted in fury.

Dongho rolls back just as Jaewon delivers a flaming kick to the space his head once occupied, and Minsoo propels himself off from the wall, tackling Dongho to the floor and rolling into the side wall. Dongho digs his foot into Minsoo's gut, throwing him back with an inordinate strength, and Jaewon catches him, the pair crashing into the wall and sitting for a moment, dazed. 

Dongho reaches for the gun, but Minsoo's quicker, kicking it along the floor and slamming Dongho to the ground. The elder bucks in his grasp, but Minsoo holds on with all his strength, slamming the elder's wrists to the ground just as Jaewon does the same.

"Stop _fighting_!" Minsoo shouts, and Dongho thrashes in his grasp, fury flashing in his eyes.

"Why-"

"I just want you to come home!" Jaewon begs, and Dongho and Minsoo both still at the sight of tears in his eyes. "Please!"

None of them notice the figure slowly crawling across the floor, one meaty hand reaching for the pistol on the tile.

"Just... just come home," Jaewon pleads, dipping his head as tears drip from his chin. "Hyung..."

His fingers brush the cold metal of the gun, lips curling into a sickening grin.

Dongho, for the moment, seems utterly speechless. "Jae-"

He grips the gun, yanks it off the floor, and pulls the trigger.

Dongho gasps under him, and Minsoo freezes, eyes widening in horror. 

"No."

His head whips around, and the CEO struggles to his feet, demented laughter spilling over his lips.

"How _could you_?" Minsoo screams, and the CEO only laughs harder, the gun dropping to sit at his feet.

"I'm doing you all a _favor_."

"Hyung," Jaewon gasps, staring down at the ragged hole in Dongho's jacket. "Hyung-"

Minsoo can feel _hatred_ bubbling in his gut - hatred for Dongho, for the CEO, for Daehyun for leaving them - and in that moment, it overflows.

The wind explodes outwards, shattering the glass and sending the CEO flying.

And Minsoo screams - _god_ , how he screams. He screams for Jaewon, for Dongho, for Daehyun and for all the casualties in this war that never should've been fought.

"Minsoo!"

And oh, it's Jaewon staring at him, eyes wide with horror, and Minsoo turns, gaze landing on Nick and Emily.

They're standing in the doorway, both looking at him like - like he's a _monster_ \- and the rain pelts his back, seeping through the fabric of his clothes.

He just killed someone.

The CEO is _dead_.

The CEO is dead, and he's no better than Dongho.

"Help me carry him," Minsoo breathes, but as soon as he takes a step forwards, darkness washes over him.

_"Minsoo!"_

* * *

On a rain-torn beach somewhere, a boy opens his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn i did;;;;; not do this justice huh;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
> 
> the ceo is DEAD HELL FUCKING Y E A H
> 
> not proofread pls lmk abt typos
> 
> also fun fact: my alternate title for this was "everyone but minsoo and jaewon would really like dongho to die please and thank you"
> 
> and or "he do kinda have a point tho"


	59. i'd give you all my love

When Minsoo opens his eyes, it's to a white ceiling.

 _God_ , his head aches, though. It's a pounding behind his eyes the likes of which he's never felt, and he groans, mashing his head into the sheets.

"Minsoo?"

A hand grabs his, and his eyes slit open, gaze drifting to the form at his bedside.

Red hair.

"Jaewon?"

"You're awake," Jaewon breathes, and Minsoo blinks a few times, trying to force the world into focus. "I was so worried..."

"What happened?"

The rain.

The glass.

"Dongho!"

He jolts upright, but Jaewon places a warning hand on his chest, slowly pressing him back into the sheets. "He's fine, Min. He's just sleeping."

"Where is he?"

Jaewon's lips quirk upwards a bit, and he gestures to Minsoo's left. "...I'm glad you still care, hyung."

Minsoo tilts his head to the side, relief washing over him as he catches sight of a head of dark hair and a familiar nose peeking out from the sheets. 

"How is he?"

"Still out," Jaewon smiles, but it's a bit strained. "I was able to get out the bullet and wrap it up, but he's still asleep."

Minsoo stares at the dark circles under Dongho's eyes, and finds he isn't surprised by that.

"You're worried."

"..."

Jaewon reaches out to grasp Dongho's hand, pain flickering in his eyes. "...I just want him to come home, Min."

And oh, what can Minsoo say to that?

In the end, they really have no say in Dongho's actions. All they can do is hope and reason, and that hasn't been enough _so many times before_.

(for an instant, he's reminded of the last time - dongho lying on the bed while daehyun's death was all too fresh - and the mis-assigned blame tears at his heart.)

"I think he will," Minsoo murmurs, sliding over to mash his face into Dongho's sleeve. "...c'mere, jaigya. We'll... we'll share.

It's a bit of a squeeze, but they manage - Minsoo sandwiched between a still-sleeping Dongho and a seemingly at-ease Jaewon. Dongho smells like rain and gunpowder, and Minsoo sighs before reaching down to grasp his hand, slender fingers intertwining with calloused ones.

(when he's asleep like this, it's so easy to pretend - so easy to pretend there's no blood on dongho's hands.

easy to pretend there's no blood on minsoo's.)

And oh, this bed should fit four, but it _doesn't_ , and the ache tears at Minsoo's chest all the more as he presses his nose into Dongho's bandaged chest.

They're as much to blame for what Dongho did as he is.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, squeezing Dongho's hand as tightly as he can. "...you can apologize when you wake up, 'kay?"

Neither of them are free of blame, but-

maybe they can start over.

* * *

He doesn't know where he's going.

His feet trudge along a path he's not aware of, and each time he blinks, his surroundings change.

 _Blink_. Small shops and houses, a quaint road with mailboxes and storefronts.

 _Blink_. Apartment buildings and cracked pavement, streetlights flickering overhead and cigarette butts on the ground.

 _Blink_. Bright lights shooting out of skyscrapers and people streaming by, the smell of rain thick in the air.

He doesn't know where he's going. Doesn't know why he's going.

All he knows is that his heart cries for _home_.

* * *

"So..."

Emily rests her hand on her chin, Western accent slipping out as it so often does in times of exaggerated stress or jest. "What'n the _fuck_ was that?"

"Magic?" Jaewon laughs, and Emily stares at him, visibly unimpressed. 

"I know _that_ , Einstein. But Minsoo threw a fuckin' guy _off a fuckin' building_. I didn't know he could do that!"

"Well," Jaewon laughs, "he doesn't do it much anymore-"

" _Jaewon_."

"They have history," Jaewon finally replies, gaze drifting to a spot just next to her head. "He... he's our old CEO."

"Fuck."

"Yeah..."

"Man," Emily grouses, reaching over to punch her palm, "I wish I got a hit in now!"

"Pfft-"

Jaewon bursts out laughing, and Emily continues to punch her palm as if to emphasize further. "I gotta' add him to the list of people I'll go to hell just so I can punch - my folks're on there, and so're you guys's."

"My mom is nice!" Jaewon protests, then pales. "My _mom_!"

"Oh, boy."

"I never called her! Oh my god, I never called my mom, she probably thinks I'm _dead_ -"

"Calm down," Nick advices, placing a pair of mugs on the table. "Thinking's always easier with some cocoa."

"Thanks," Jaewon breathes, wrapping his hands around the mugs. "I need to call my mom..."

"I need a change of clothes," Emily quips. "We all need things."

"Em..."

"So that's your crazy boyfriend?"

Emily takes a sip from her cocoa, a bit of chocolate sticking to her upper lip as she lowers it. "...he's pretty hot, y'know. I mean, nothin' on Nick, but damn, I'd let him-"

" _Em_!"

"You're my one and only," Emily laughs, leaning over to plant a kiss on Nick's lips. "Don't worry, sugar."

"I don't," Nick lies, but it's impossible to ignore the blush crawling up to the tips of his ears. 

"Aww, you're cute."

Jaewon grins at them, resting his chin on his hand as he takes another sip of his coca. "You two are adorable."

"Isn't she gorgeous?" Nick insists, and Emily laughs, raking a hand through her hair. 

"Have you seen yourself, Nicky?"

...couple goals indeed.

Jaewon's about to ask if Nick wants anything when a knock rings through the air, and they all wheel, gaze landing on the door.

This is SA1NT's dorm.

Oh, _fuck_.

"I'll get it," Jaewon tries, placing his mug on the table and tip-toeing towards the door. "Hello?"

There's no response.

He pulls open the door a crack, peeking through the gap to see who it is, and in the moment, he's glad he's not holding his mug, because he's sure he'd've dropped it.

_"Dae?"_

* * *

He's not sure how to react when the man pulls him into a crushing hug, honestly.

"Dae," the man breathes, gripping at the fabric of his hoodie for dear life, and oh, that name sounds familiar - reminds him of something lost a long, long time ago. "Oh, god, Dae, Dae, Daehyun-"

The man pulls back, reaching up to cup Daehyun(?)'s face in his hands, and oh, he smells like woodsmoke, bright red hair hanging in those painfully shining eyes, and he _knows his name_ -

"Is it really you?"

 _Yes_ , he almost replies, but he reaches up to cup the man's cheek instead, thumb brushing off a few tears as they fall.

_Woodsmoke, smiles, it's right there, grasp it grasp it grasp it what is his name-_

"Jaewon?"

Jaewon chokes on another sob, throwing himself into Daehyun's arms and gripping the back of his hoodie, and oh, this feels right, and even if he doesn't know what to do, his body does.

One arm winds around his waist and the other hand nestles in his hair - _if the mind forgets, the heart remembers_ \- and he lets the man cry, nails scratching gently against his scalp.

 _Home_.

"You're back," Jaewon gasps, a desperate plea slipping through his lips as he digs his nails into Daehyun's hoodie. "You're back, you're back, _please_ tell me this is real, Dae, _please_ -"

"It's real," he murmurs, but oh, can he even promise that? "It's me."

" _Dae_ ," Jaewon breathes, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. 

Oh, this feels _right_ \- Jaewon's hands in his hair, Jaewon's touch hot against his skin, Jaewon like this - and though his heart still cries for home, it's sated for the moment.

 _Jaewon_.

"Don't you _ever_ -"

Jaewon pulls back, planting a weak punch to his chest before pulling him in tighter, and Daehyun laughs, low and calm. "Don't you _ever_ scare me like that again, Dae."

He doesn't know this man, but he knows he loves him.

Isn't that enough?

"I'm not going anywhere," he promises, and that's true.

He knows that's true.

* * *

When Minsoo opens his eyes, he immediately knows something's changed.

First: Dongho's hand is in his hair, his other arm thrown lazily over Minsoo's waist and their legs tangled together.

Second: Jaewon is talking to someone, explaining who they are.

Third: Daehyun's laughing.

What?

"You're awake?" Jaewon asks, and Minsoo tries to nod, but Dongho's trapping him with his goddamn octopus limbs.

He just tells him yes, in the end.

"Guess who showed up?" Jaewon continues, and Minsoo tries to tilt his head back, but Dongho's really not letting go. 

"Who?"

"Dae."

" _What_?"

He rips himself from Dongho's grasp so quickly he nearly elbows the man in the face, and he tumbles off the bed, head colliding painfully with the hardwood.

"Are you okay?"

And _oh_ , Daehyun's crouching over him, wavy blond hair hanging in his concern-filled eyes, and Minsoo _can't breathe_.

"Dae," he breathes, reaching up to cup Daehyun's cheek with one shaking hand. "Dae, is it...?"

_Is it really you?_

"I think so?" Daehyun frowns, nose scrunching up. "I'm me, but I don't remember being me. Does that make sense?"

Not really, actually.

"I'm me," Daehyun decides, leaning in to press a kiss to Minsoo's forehead. "And I might not know much about you besides the fact that I love you, but I still love you."

That-

"You're Minsoo," he grins, pushing a lock of hair behind Minsoo's ear, "born in '93, and the shortest. So perfectly sized for cuddles, then!"

It's so painfully both Daehyun and _not_ -Daehyun that he bursts into tears, and Daehyun wastes no time in pulling him into a hug, too-long limbs easily wrapping him in their embrace.

(he smells like the sea.)

It's just-

"Dae," he gasps, a prayer more than anything else, because he _can't Daehyun go again_. "Dae-"

"I'm here," Daehyun murmurs, and then Jaewon's on his other side, nose buried in his hood, and everything feels _right_.

* * *

"...really do that?"

"I almost _cried_. Where did you even _find that_?"

"Amazon?"

"Wh- _is there a market on Amazon_?"

Dongho groans, eyes sliding open as his head lolls to the side, and once the immediate sensation of _oh-dear-god-it's-fucking-bright_ is out of the way, he's aware of a head of red hair by his side.

Jaewon.

Hm.

"Hi," he rasps, voice rough with sleep, and he chokes on air as someone launches themselves on top of him, arms wrapping around his torso and squeezing for dear life.

" _Dongho!_ "

"Can't- can't breathe-"

Jaewon pulls back, bright hair brushing Dongho's cheeks as he bumps their foreheads together, and Dongho blinks a few times, unsure of how to respond.

"Uh. What?"

"You're okay," Jaewon breathes, and Dongho's eyes widen as Jaewon presses a kiss to his lips, a tear dripping off his cheek and onto Dongho's. 

What.

"Did you stay by my side the whole time?" Dongho mumbles, and Jaewon pulls back, lips curling into the faintest hint of a smile.

"Maybe."

"I killed people. I could kill you in your sleep."

"But you won't," Jaewon simply replies, and Dongho sighs.

"That's not the _point_ , Jae-yah-"

"Hey," Minsoo chastises, pulling Jaewon off Dongho with a frown. "We're talking over this civilly, and we're going to be responsible adults."

"I was being responsible!"

"You kissed him."

"...is that not responsible?"

"What the fuck?" Dongho states, and Minsoo shrugs, resting his elbow on his knee.

"So, while you were out, we found out that Daehyun is apparently not dead, so we're going two for two with recovering lost boyfriends."

Dongho blinks at him once.

Then twice.

_"What?"_

"Hi," Daehyun sheepishly states, leaning over to raise a hand. "I'm Daehyun, but you already know that, and I think you're very pretty."

Dongho gapes at him, and Jaewon leans over to close his mouth, a fond little grin on his lips.

"Oh yeah," Minsoo continues, "and he has amnesia."

_"What?"_

* * *

"What did you think he was going to do?" Jaewon asks, and Minsoo pouts, lips jutting out and arms folding over his chest.

"Not _kick us out_!"

"He seems nice," Daehyun volunteers, and Minsoo groans, slamming his head into the walls.

"I wish there was a book for this. _How to forgive and re-acclimate your murder boyfriend_. I'm sure it would sell."

"Well," Jaewon smiles, "at least you want to change?"

Minsoo groans once more, slamming his head into the wall, and across the hall, Daehyun giggles.

"Twenty minutes into OT4, and we're already a disaster."

"At least you're aware of it?" Jaewon unhelpfully adds, and Minsoo makes a small sort of screaming sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from diamond heart, the third theme of this fic
> 
> that's the song that made me write it btw. diamond heart.
> 
> leave comment;;;;;; pls;;;;;;;;;;; i Beg;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
> 
> also oops subplot w one chappie to go look at me ignore all logic
> 
> pls lmk abt typos


	60. you will be my world

Waking up with the sun is nice until you consider the fact that the sun wakes you up _unfairly fucking early_.

Minsoo groans, rolling over to mash his face into the sheets, and someone taps against the door, a bell-like laugh ringing through the air.

"You're awake!"

"It's _too early_ ," he grumbles, and the person laughs once more, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

"It's eight in the morning, hyung."

That explains why Jaewon's gone, at least.

Minsoo rolls over, blinking up at the person hovering over him, and his lips curl into a small grin as Daehyun's face comes into focus.

"Morning," he mumbles, and Daehyun grins in return, pressing a soft kiss to his lips before pulling back. 

"Jaewon-hyung asked me to wake you up before I left today."

"Hnn... you sure you have to go?"

Daehyun laughs once more, ruffling his hair before pulling back. "Yeah."

Minsoo frowns, and Daehyun grins, pressing one more kiss to the elder's forehead before heading towards the door. "Remember, Dongho-hyung's coming home tonight!"

Oh.

 _Oh_.

"Has it been that long already?"

Daehyun frowns, and Minsoo shrieks as cold water dumps over his head. _"Dae!"_

"I'm making dinner," Daehyun smiles, as if he didn't just dump water all over his boyfriend. "Have a great day!"

Minsoo stares at him, hair dripping onto the sheets, and he sputters, unsure whether he can be offended or not. "Wh- _Dae_!"

* * *

Jaewon's cleaning the counter when he walks in, his hair pushed back and a few small fires warming the restaurant, and once again, Minsoo's reminded why he loves this man.

It's not just because he's hot - though he is - but because he would risk getting in trouble to make people a little bit warmer. 

It's because he _cares_.

"Min!" he beams, eyes sparkling as he catches Minsoo's eye, and the older man grins, floating over to press a kiss to his lips.

"Hey, jaigya."

"Hi," Jaewon hums, reaching down to grasp Minsoo's hands. "Ah- your hands are so cold!"

He raises Minsoo's hands to his lips, breathing warm air onto his palms, and Minsoo grins, watching as Jaewon's lips jut out into a small pout. 

"Did you wear your gloves?"

"Maybe."

" _Minnie_."

"Jaewonnie," Minsoo teases, and someone groans, a napkin holder soaring through the air and whacking Minsoo in the side of the head. "Wh- _Emily_!"

"Either buy something or leave," Emily grouses, waving her hand idly. "You're making me feel single."

"You're dating Nick!"

"Did I stutter?"

"Minsoo!" someone cheers, and Minsoo grins as Daehyun hurtles out of the kitchen, hair pushed back with a headband and lips curled into a brilliant smile. "You're here!"

"I come here every day," Minsoo laughs, and Daehyun frowns, pressing his hand to Minsoo's hair.

Water splashes on the floor, and his frown deepens as he raises his hand to flick Minsoo's forehead. "You didn't dry your hair?"

"You woke me up with water!"

"I tried kissing you," Daehyun points out, and Jaewon giggles, reaching out to grab their hands.

"You three are so gay," Emily mutters, taking a sip from her cocoa. "You're making me feel single."

" _Again, you have a boyfriend_!"

"Semantics."

Daehyun grins, reaching up to press his hand to Minsoo's cheek, and Minsoo shivers, resisting the urge to grab Daehyun's hands and try and breathe some warmth into them.

Daehyun's always cold, now - a reminder of the death he only barely avoided.

(death took less than they expected, in the end, but more than they hoped.)

"Your hair's getting long," Daehyun points out, hand shifting to grasp a few strands of Minsoo's silver hair. "Are you growing it out?"

"I think I'll go for a mullet," Minsoo grins, and Emily squawks, throwing a salt shaker at him.

"A mullet! A _mullet_! Mister tall, dark, and brooding is corrupting you! A _mullet_!"

"Dongho's hair looks nice with a ponytail," Daehyun pouts, and Minsoo squawks, offended.

"You're not gonna defend _my_ hair?"

"Well-"

" _Yah_!"

* * *

By the time Minsoo gets home, he's around ninety percent certain he lost at least one limb out on the slopes. Maybe all four.

Colorado is fucking _cold_ , okay?

Still, he can see light streaming out of the windows, so a grin creeps onto his lips as he fumbles with his keys regardless.

"You're back!"

Daehyun pulls open the door and yanks him inside, slamming the door shut behind him and clicking his tongue as he pulls off all of Minsoo's layers. "You're frozen!"

"So are you!" Minsoo protests, and Daehyun grins at him.

"Yeah, but I'm still, like... half dead. _You_ are all alive and very cold."

Minsoo frowns, but lets Daehyun do as he wishes.

By the time he's wrapped up in a blanket and pajamas, Daehyun's back in the kitchen, Jaewon sitting on the counter and occasionally testing out Daehyun's sauces. And next to him, leaning against the doorframe.

"Dongho," Minsoo eloquently states, and Dongho raises his head, a few dark strands falling in his eyes.

He looks good like this, Minsoo notes - his hair pushed back in a ponytail, his fur-lined hood damp with snow and his lips chapped from cold - and Dongho's lips quirk into a tiny smile, one hand withdrawing from his pocket to wave at him. 

"I forgot you were coming back today."

"Wow," Dongho quips, though his smile doesn't waver. "I see how much you care. Wow. I can really feel the undying love over here-"

" _Fuck you_!"

Minsoo blinks, and Dongho's pressing a kiss to his lips, hands wrapped around his waist and damp hair tickling Minsoo's cheeks.

It's nice.

Dongho's nice.

"Hi," Minsoo intelligently states, and Dongho's smirk widens. 

"Hi to you too."

"Dinner's gonna be ready soon!" Daehyun calls, and Dongho nods, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.

"I missed you-"

"Are you still wearing your boots?"

Dongho backs up as Daehyun pokes his chest, brow scrunched in irritation. "You _are_! You're getting mud and stuff all over the floor!"

"Dae-"

"Go shower!" Daehyun exclaims, shoving Dongho towards the bathroom. "You've got dried... something on your cheek! Go shower!"

Dongho nods, and Daehyun whacks his head with the spatula, though he's smiling regardless. "And come back when you're done!"

* * *

Dongho does, in fact, come back.

Daehyun's hoodies hang over his hands, and Minsoo stares all the way through dinner - at the bandages wrapping around his torso, at the old scar on his cheek, at the small charms hanging off his necklace - before Jaewon asks what they've all been thinking. 

"How'd it go?"

"It went well," Dongho replies, and Minsoo frowns at the sight of the wet spot on the back of Daehyun's sweater.

They _are_ allergic to drying their hair before leaving, aren't they?

"Abusive father," Dongho elaborates, taking another sip of his drink. "Abused his wife and four kids behind closed doors."

"Mm," Minsoo hums, and Dongho nods.

"Yeah. How's your new student doing? Jay or something?"

After dinner, Dongho and Daehyun wash the dishes while Minsoo and Jaewon get movie night set up, and Minsoo watches as Jaewon pops their popcorn by hand, brow scrunched up and lips jutting out in a pout.

He's adorable.

All of his boyfriends - even the murderer for hire - are adorable.

Perhaps Minsoo is a bit too blasé about the whole murder thing.

Still, as long as Dongho comes home at the end of the day and makes the world a bit better, then. Well.

They have their own callings.

Jaewon shrieks as a piece of popcorn flies into the air, and Minsoo guides it into his mouth, lips curling into a grin as flavor bursts over his tongue.

"Toss another one!"

"Save some for us!" Dongho calls, and Minsoo grins, propping his chin on his hand.

"Let's not save any for them."

" _Yah, Lee Minsoo_!"

* * *

Having Dongho home is nice.

Even if there's the whole murder business, and the fact that he spends two thirds of the year off on a mission, having him home is still nice.

Minsoo may be slightly biased.

"You're hot," Emily states as soon as they walk in, and Minsoo squawks, offended.

" _Yah_!"

"You say that every time," Dongho points out, and Emily nods.

"Yeah, but it's true."

"The _double standard_ ," Minsoo laments, draping himself over the counter. "I feel unloved. Jaewonnie, give me love."

"You're gorgeous," Jaewon beams, and Minsoo grins up at him.

"Thank you, Jaewonnie."

"He's growing out a mullet!" Emily protests, throwing her hands in the air. "Nick grew out a mullet in freshman year!"

"It looked great!" Nick exclaims, and Emily shakes her head.

"Nick. Baby. Love of my life. You looked _horrible_ in freshman year."

"I looked fine!"

Emily quirks a brow, and Nick laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. "Nobody looked good in freshman year."

"Remember when I had that weird half-dye job?"

"Yeah!"

"Still feel single?" Minsoo quips, and Emily gestures wildly in Dongho's general direction. 

"Have you _seen him_?"

Dongho, naturally, thinks this is fucking hilarious. 

"You'll just inflate his ego," Minsoo grouses, and Dongho presses a kiss to his head before heading back into the kitchen. "See? Look at this slander. Not even an 'I love you' or a 'please marry me, Lee Minsoo, the love of my life'."

"I thought I was the love of your life?" Jaewon innocently asks, and Minsoo shrugs. 

"You're all the loves of my life."

"I feel single!" Emily shouts, and Nick kisses her.

* * *

They end up having dinner in the living room that night, since Minsoo breaks the stove.

("In my defense, how was I supposed to know turning the dial that far broke it off?"

"You filled the entire kitchen with gas!"

"I could've killed us all..."

"...okay, okay, I'm sorry.")

Minsoo sits next to Daehyun, his head resting on the younger man's shoulder and a blanket spread over their laps. On the other side of the room, Jaewon's head rests in Dongho's lap, his eyes shut and breathing slow.

Minsoo can't blame him. Falling asleep on top of pretty boys is pretty nice.

"I wish you'd stay home more often," Minsoo finally murmurs, and Dongho raises his head, eyes barely visible in the dim light.

"You know I can't do that."

"Really?"

Minsoo's gaze drifts to Daehyun, his head resting on top of Minsoo's and fingers intertwined with the elder's. "Or are you just afraid?"

"Of course I'm afraid."

"...killing people isn't going to bring him back."

"I know."

That's the truth in the end, isn't it?

"...he's remembering, you know."

"Slowly."

"But he is."

Dongho's expression flickers for a moment, and Minsoo sighs, gaze drifting to the man at his side. "He remembers more when you're here."

"I know."

"You promised not to leave us."

"I'm not leaving."

"You leave us every time, Dongho."

"But I come back."

"That's not the point."

Minsoo rubs his thumb over the back of Daehyun's hand, words sticking in his throat.

"...it's not that I don't trust you'll come back. It's that we miss you."

"I know."

"Can't you just... just stop?"

"You know I can't," Dongho murmurs, and Minsoo shakes his head.

"It's not going to bring him back. He has to find his way on his own."

"I know."

"...take a month or two off. Just- just say. Please."

"..."

He can see the war flickering in Dongho's eyes - desperation warring with loneliness - and in the end, Minsoo's not sure what's going to win.

"...they want me to go in tomorrow," Dongho finally states, words coming out slow and measured. "We'll see in the morning."

* * *

When Minsoo wakes up, Dongho's side of the bed is empty.

He allows himself a moment of grief - of course Dongho wouldn't stay - before untangling himself from Jaewon and heading for the kitchen.

And _oh_ -

Dongho's standing at the stove, Daehyun's chin hooked over his shoulder and the younger man's arms wrapped around his waist, and when Daehyun turns, Minsoo can see it in his eyes.

 _They're going to be okay_.

Years of fighting, years of grief, years of loneliness and desperation and pain-

it's all turned out alright in the end.

They're going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes the title is from we fell in love in october - i've been meaning to use it for the entire fic
> 
> holy shit that's a wrap
> 
> holy shit
> 
> the fact that this is actually over is just. not processing in my brain. idk if the ending is what i even want i just. holy shit.
> 
> thank you so much for reading?? and for those of you who stayed, thank you most of all.
> 
> especially floo. thank you, floo, so much. i hope this ending was worth it.
> 
> i love you all sm. please take care of yourselves.
> 
> and, once again, thank you for reading.
> 
> -suki

**Author's Note:**

> [twit](https://twitter.com/i_was_human_) | [lit fic discord!](https://discord.gg/CNunB74)


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